Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Jul 26, 2024
Tragic Accident Strikes as Woman is Released from Prison
Eyewitnesses report a scene filled with anticipation that quickly turned to horror and sorrow as the woman, identified as 62-year-old Lindy Cole, was struck by a train while heading to meet her son. According to local authorities, Lindy was set to reunite with her son, Allan, who had arrived at the station to pick her up after years of incarceration for arson and tax fraud.
In an unfortunate turn of events, while Allan was on his way to the station in his pickup truck, Lindy attempted to cross nearby train tracks and was hit by a southbound Canadian National. "It was pouring rain, and she probably didn't even see it," stated bystander Steven Good, who witnessed the tragic accident. "I heard the train horn but it was too late. It's like some sad a** country song; it was all that I could do to keep from crying."
As the news broke, emotions ran high in the community, with many expressing their condolences for the family. Allan, who stumbled out of his step-side F-250 at the scene seemingly intoxicated, was devastated after learning of the loss. Friends say he had long awaited this moment, and the tragedy has left him bereft. "Dave - it's a nickname - we don't call him by his real name..." said friend Jon Pine. "He's utterly ruined and I hope we can get him to hang around town a while and maybe consider therapy."
Emergency services responded promptly, but Lindy was pronounced dead at the scene. Investigations into the incident are ongoing, with authorities looking into factors such as "it raining as hard as a cow pissing on a flat rock" (according to eyewitnesses) and crossing barriers that were "nearly useless to remain."
At press time, funeral arrangements for Lindy Cole are pending, with family and friends devastated by the ironic and dark turn of events.
Jul 25, 2024
Ken Jeong Country Reaction Gifs
Reading a list of Jason Aldean’s good qualities
When my passenger asks if we can listen to some Hardy
“Americana is country for people who are afraid of rednecks” -a comment on our Instagram
When Orville Peck, Ty Herndon, Lil Nas X, and TJ Osborne are racing
When you hear the new ways they’re committing murder on Music Row these days
Me getting thrown out of the bar after playing “Killin’ Time” on the jukebox 23 times in a row
Whiskey Riff readers whenever Riff posts something about Jason Isbell
Florida-Georgia Line? Stopped there to take a piss one time
Me looking at my hungover tired self in the mirror after an American Aquarium concert
Ain’t said shit the whole party till people start saying untrue things about country music and suddenly
“If you won’t take me to see Wallen, you can just walk out that door”
Jul 24, 2024
Jul 23, 2024
Jul 22, 2024
Jul 21, 2024
Jul 19, 2024
New Country Singer Doesn’t Even Use Trap Beats
Eschewing modern bells and whistles like programmed trap beats and guest appearances by white rappers, the singer is instead leaning on what he calls "tradition." When asked if he'd even considered using auto-tune or wearing a plain t-shirt with a gold chain in his promo photos, he succinctly replies with "Hell no, and I never lie."
Despite being written by less than 10 songwriters and having little similarity to the sounds of Thomas Rhett or Hardy, the performer's current single is nearing the mainstream country top 25, and he's beginning to garner slots on national tours. The singer, who doesn't even have face tattoos, says he has a simple philosophy about his music.
"I perform and record country music," he stated plainly. "If that makes me an innovator on country radio, so be it." He went on to say that he would not be releasing any songs about a douchebag in bar picking up a girl and banging her in his suburban assault truck. Many wonder if this promising artist is shooting himself in the foot not pandering to the Chads and Karens of the world.
"He doesn't even attempt trendy dance moves on TikTok or use slang in his songs," said an anonymous Nashville music exec. "So I wonder just how much shelf life this 'novelty' music can have." He ended the thought with this warning: "I wish him the best but if he doesn't want to cut in a few more dozen writers on his next record, he's toast."
At press time, the singer was practicing guitar instead of doing burpees.
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(this is fictionally about Zach Top, but it can represent others playing a comparatively timeless style of country music)
Jul 18, 2024
Robin Williams Country Reaction Gifs
When you listen to country radio for 5 minutes and it's clear AI and lots of computer programs were involved
When the board says they hired Tucker Wetmore to play at the mandatory corporate retreat
Cleaning the house and Whiskey Myers comes on shuffle
I got sea stories; they're all true
Your therapist when your girls dumps you because you wouldn't take her to see Kane Brown
Were you surprised when Post Malone went pop-country?
Listens to "In Your Love" by Tyler Childers once:
When your employer plays Sirius' The Highway over the office background music speakers
Jason Aldean at couples' therapy
Luke Bryan trying to appeal to the youths of Gen Z
Luke Combs' producer: Maybe dial it back on this next take
Luke:
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