Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Apr 3, 2020
Police Using Hick-Hop Songs to Disperse Crowds During Pandemic
Police departments nationally reported on Friday that they were using unusual methods to enforce lockdowns and “safer at home” measures during the Coronavirus pandemic. An attempt to avoid harsher crowd control options has led many forces to use speaker trucks to blast music that most people find repugnant - in this case, hick-hop, or country rap, seems to be having the best results.
In Ft. Worth, TX Wednesday, local authorities were alerted to a small block party in a suburban neighborhood. Rather than issue citations or fines, they simply rolled a police van into the vicinity blasting “Outback (Extended Remix)” by the hick-hop group Redneck Souljers. “They lit out of there like their butts were on fire” laughed Deputy Lewis Marks. “I don’t blame them - I felt physically ill listening to it myself.”
A birthday party in Van Nuys, CA fell victim to Colt Ford’s “No Trash in My Trailer.” Carl Jenkins, who had attended the party, told us by Skype that he was injured during the melée as the party broke up. “I may sue their asses - I didn’t trip or fall or anything, but I was mentally injured by that music; I’ve got pain and suffering and PTSD now. I might rather have the Rona.” he grimaced.
An outdoor bat mitzvah in Salem, OR ended in similar fashion. “I hate to do it, but this is for safety and health of the public at large” said officer Lindsay Scanlan, turning on Upchurch’s “My Neck of the Woods” at ear-shattering volume. Audible screams and weeping were heard as the 24 people at the mitzvah scattered like ants.
Similar stories have come in from across the country, but at press time, law enforcement agencies in the Carolinas reported that hick-hop was ineffective in clearing large gatherings and were exploring using flash bombs, rubber bullets, and tear gas.
Apr 2, 2020
Tiger King Country Reaction Gifs
When Jerrod Niemann's "Donkey" flopped.
Wheeler Walker Jr. in 20 years about to sing a song about nursing home sex
Why don't you like Kane Brown's music?
Keith Urban's gonna have a livestream concert!
When your new lover promised you
some meth if you'd go to an Upchurch concert
Does this guy look like Florida-Georgia Line's oldest fan?
When "Goodbye Earl" comes on
right after you killed your husband
Apr 1, 2020
Top 11 Country-Related Ways to Be Helpful During the Pandemic
11. Teach a Kane Brown fan to read by FaceTime
10. Send a letter to your congressman informing them that your favorite bands can still perform live and stay under the 10 person recommendation
9. Remind hick-hop fans that not only should they wash their hands frequently, but that they should also wash their bodies from time to time
8. Paint an inspirational message on the local water tower in John Deere green
7. Tell the Dollar General manager that times are stressful enough without them playing bro-country in the store and kindly request they turn it off
6. Go to your favorite bartender's house and blare George Jones from their yard to cheer them up
5. Whatever Dolly Parton is doing, do that
4. Send a friendly postcard to a Brantley Gilbert fan in prison
3. Avoid political arguments unless one a’ them stinkin’ liberal pinko commie America-hatin’ Dixie Chicks fans starts it first
2. Use two pairs of Luke Bryan’s old pants to make one face mask for the local hospital
1. Buy albums and merchandise from the independent musicians you enjoy (or tip them during their live shows on Instagram, Facebook, etc)
~By Trailer and Jeremy Harris
Mar 31, 2020
Mar 30, 2020
Mar 27, 2020
What Country Fanbases Are Doing During Coronavirus Lockdown
----------
Brantley Gilbert fans:
The usual - morning bell, inmate count, breakfast, work detail, inmate count…
Luke Bryan fans:
young - Tik Tok dance videos; older - drinking wine, also doing Tik Tok videos
Florida-Georgia Line fans:
going to the beach, going to parties, having sex with people they just met
Kane Brown:
doing chores, homework, texting other kids their age
Mitchell Tenpenny:
maintaining their regimen of ceftriaxone and azithromycin, stalking exes
Tyler Childers:
morel hunting, drinking themselves blind
Kelsea Ballerini:
journaling, skin care, skin care journaling
Sturgill Simpson:
N/A - he has run off all his fans
Charlie Daniels Band:
sharing factually incorrect memes, going to church, sleeping with Fox News on
Upchurch:
hoarding, cooking
Mar 26, 2020
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