Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Satire. Show all posts

Jul 1, 2022

Luke Bryan Has a Loose Grip on the English Language


The Things You Remember


Pop-Country Singer Praying Interviewer Won’t Ask Any Political Questions

A sweat bead forms at the widow’s peak of a famous pop-country singer as he fidgets in his chair. It’s the first in-person interview with someone who isn’t Bobby Bones he’s done in a while. The crooner’s handler politely asked the host to avoid a few potential land mines in the discussion, but the singer sees some shiftiness in the questioner’s eyes. 

He says a quick prayer in his head that there won’t be any questions about abortion, guns, the infield shift, Donald Trump, Morbius, LGBT rights, or any other hot button topics. Amen. 


After a brief warm greeting and small talk, the interview begins. Deep breath. 


“What do you think about the trans…” (OH GOD) “…ition from the party hearty days of bro-country to the more muted sound of your music these days?” he asks. (WHEW!) 


He’s got this one. He can flash those pearly whites and rest his fingers on his scruffy chin and knock that answer out with vague aplomb and goofy charm. No worries so far.


“You once toured with Morgan Wallen as your opener. Care to discuss when he said…” (OH SHIT) “that he considers you a role model and kind of a mentor?” is the follow up question.


The sweat bead has now split the singer’s eyes and rolled to the tip of his nose. He wipes it off with the sleeve of his $95 plain white t-shirt. Softball question, thank God. Media training prepared him for this, how to be humble and full of praise. Oh, and mention how much Morgan Wallen has grown since the incide…. NOOOOOOOO. Don’t even think about opening that door! Just keep it short and graceful.


“Now let’s get a little personal” says the interviewer. “Do you think a woman should have the right to choose…” (OH SHIT OH DAMN OH F@4% HELP ME MARY AND JOSEPH!) “what restaurant you’re going to on a date?” he asks.


There’s an audible massive exhale, like an NFL lineman stood on one of those camping mattresses with the valve open or something. He looks at his watch. 14 minutes and 35 seconds of the allotted 15 have expired. He’s made it. No controversies, no cancellations, no major missteps. He feels his heart rate settle.


“One last question: boxers or briefs….”


Jun 30, 2022

Deep Thoughts From Famous Singers


 

What Your Favorite Summer Country Song Says About You



-------


Dan + Shay “19 + You and Me”
You don’t like country music except Dan + Shay, who are not country. You own 15 personalized tumblers that all smell vaguely of vodka or White Zinfandel. You only have Facebook to post pictures of your 8 yearly vacations.


Alan Jackson “Chattahoochee”

You actually did lose your virginity on a river bank. You like that the mullet came back in fashion. You probably need to start learning about LDL and HDL.


Garth Brooks “That Summer”
You are a horny old widow.


Kid Rock “All Summer Long”

You don’t wash your legs or feet in the shower because “the soap just runs down anyway.” You have some poorly spelled political thoughts you’d like everyone on Facebook to know about. You have a dog named FJB.


Nitty Gritty Dirt Band “Fishin’ in the Dark”

You either think the song is about fishing, or think this is NGDB’s worst song but it’s still the best summer song… there is no in between.


Thomas Rhett “Vacation”

You are theoretical. There is no such person. This song is bad even to people with shitty tastes.


Shooter Jennings “4th of July”

You don’t use the internet. Your work truck smells like Marlboro Reds and pretzels. You hate Democrats, Republicans, and Libertarians equally. 


Deana Carter “Strawberry Wine”

You also lost your virginity on a river bank. You hate that the mullet came back in fashion because it reminds you of your junior year boyfriend who left you for Amanda Sykes. You have kids with a 10 year age gap. You can drink your husband’s friends under the fire pit. 


Clint Black “Summer’s Comin’”

You are a Clint Black stan. You almost drove off the road when they played a Rascal Flatts song on the classic country station. You know what LDL and HDL are. 


FGL “Cruise”

You still have the same truck and the same truck nutz from when this song came out, but there’s a baby seat in the back seat now. You drink exclusively Michelob Ultra. You recently traded in your straight legs for loose fit jeans. 


Top Gun Country Reaction Gifs

 When it's time for some bluegrass

"You shouldn't talk bad about Walker Hayes' music because he's a nice man with a good family"

So you finally saw Willie Nelson, huh?

A Chase Rice video, probably

When she meets the mythical blogger who hates pop-country but loves hair metal

If you were on Big Rock Candy Mountain, what would you do?

When somebody asks you to turn down the 49 Winchester

Yeah Morgan Wallen is better than a lot of other current pop-country singers, but that doesn't mean he's very good

When you tell her your hobby is making Kane Brown fans feel bad about their taste in music

Jun 23, 2022

Just Hatin' on Aldean

 (Note: this post has 0% to do with politics despite the obvious leanings of those mentioned - stupid comments will be deleted)



The Empire Strikes Back Country Reaction Gifs

 The day I turned on country radio and they were playing a song about shaking ass for the catfish

Say Walker Hayes is country or fall into the abyss

When an Upchurch fan asks you out

Waiting on country radio to play a Waylon song

Dustin Lynch: "party mode party mode party mode"
Me:

Be careful when you catch yourself tapping your foot to a FGL song

Aldean sings a high note


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