Showing posts with label Kid Rock. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kid Rock. Show all posts

Sep 23, 2022

FGL House Now a Spirit Halloween

Nashville residents may recognize a familiar face in an unfamiliar place this week. Spirit Halloween, the spooky holiday’s most famous franchise, opens up shop in the former FGL House Friday, though some of the accoutrements of the former bro-country bar still remain. 

“We didn’t have to do a lot, the place is already pretty terrifying,” laughed franchise owner Sparky Suggs. “The moose head, the antique light fixtures, the haunting scent of Axe, the ghosts of hookups past… all we had to do was add the Halloween products.”


The 4-story brick building in Sobro has been the home of boozy duo Florida-Georgia Line’s branded bar and grill for the past several years, but no more. The duo recently began what they’re calling a hiatus, but which everyone else sees as the end of the formerly popular “butt rock of country” act. The immediate closure and sale of the building seems to lend credence to this opinion. 


“We come up from Cumming just to go to the FGL House and bout sh** ourselves. It’s a damn Halloween store now?” complained tourist Kelly Patridge. “We got one of them in the old co-op, I coulda stayed my ass home.”


Suggs certainly understands the concerns over the sudden shift, but he hopes many of the mullet-headed or tube-top-wearing FGL fans who show up will stick around and grab an LED dancing zombie or a sexy Fireball bottle costume. “You’re already here, so you might as well pick up some crap you needed for Halloween anyway,” laughed Suggs. 


One drunken customer didn’t seem to notice the change and was seated at one of the bars (now a booth for custom airbrushed trick or treat bags) trying to order a Jagerbomb from the confused artist. “He’ll figure it out eventually,” said Suggs, shaking his head.


At press time, Brian Kelley was sneaking in to retrieve his Kid Rock autographed beer bong he left in a storage closet.


Aug 26, 2022

Kid Rock Stops Concert Because One Section of Fans Isn’t Fighting

Rock/country/rap artist and political firebrand Kid Rock had to angrily pause his concert on Thursday night to chastise some of his fans. The West Memphis Civic Auditorium crowd was not living up to his expectations, and he let them know in no uncertain terms that he wasn’t having it. 

The show started off fine with his opening song “Devil Without a Cause,” but by the second tune, Mr. Rock already was looking with disdain upon a portion of the throng. Fists were flying, shirts were being torn off, and bodily fluids were spraying. Kid shook his head and plowed on with the crowd favorite “You Never Met a Motherf***er Quite Like Me.” 


Nearing the middle of the show Robert Ritchie (his real name) was seething. Ducking a thrown beer bottle full of urine, he zeroed in on a section of crowd and went off. “You f***ers are really making it hard for the rest of us to have a good time,” he said, pointing at a group of about 30 middle aged dads and their mistresses/dates. “Why the hell are you just standing there enjoying the show? Throw some hands, you bitches!”


The rest of the crowd erupted in agreement before returning to their already-in-progress fisticuffs, sexual harassments, and verbal assaults. Several unengaged ne’er-do-wells attempted to mad dog the peaceful few into wrestling matches and other jackassery, but the actual-Kid-Rock-music-enjoyers stood their ground, singing along with the smash “Cowboy” and minding their own business.


Three songs later, halfway into the rarely played “F*** Off,” Kid stopped the band again. Removing a bloody bra from his mic stand, he yelled “That’s it. You f***ers are outta here. If you wanna listen to music, stay your ass at home with your iPod or whatever.” He then directed security to remove the offending section, to loud applause from the brawling balance of the crowd. 


The rest of the show went off without a hitch, with 18 arrests, 3 minor fires, 28 taken to the hospital, and one birth.


Jun 30, 2022

What Your Favorite Summer Country Song Says About You



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Dan + Shay “19 + You and Me”
You don’t like country music except Dan + Shay, who are not country. You own 15 personalized tumblers that all smell vaguely of vodka or White Zinfandel. You only have Facebook to post pictures of your 8 yearly vacations.


Alan Jackson “Chattahoochee”

You actually did lose your virginity on a river bank. You like that the mullet came back in fashion. You probably need to start learning about LDL and HDL.


Garth Brooks “That Summer”
You are a horny old widow.


Kid Rock “All Summer Long”

You don’t wash your legs or feet in the shower because “the soap just runs down anyway.” You have some poorly spelled political thoughts you’d like everyone on Facebook to know about. You have a dog named FJB.


Nitty Gritty Dirt Band “Fishin’ in the Dark”

You either think the song is about fishing, or think this is NGDB’s worst song but it’s still the best summer song… there is no in between.


Thomas Rhett “Vacation”

You are theoretical. There is no such person. This song is bad even to people with shitty tastes.


Shooter Jennings “4th of July”

You don’t use the internet. Your work truck smells like Marlboro Reds and pretzels. You hate Democrats, Republicans, and Libertarians equally. 


Deana Carter “Strawberry Wine”

You also lost your virginity on a river bank. You hate that the mullet came back in fashion because it reminds you of your junior year boyfriend who left you for Amanda Sykes. You have kids with a 10 year age gap. You can drink your husband’s friends under the fire pit. 


Clint Black “Summer’s Comin’”

You are a Clint Black stan. You almost drove off the road when they played a Rascal Flatts song on the classic country station. You know what LDL and HDL are. 


FGL “Cruise”

You still have the same truck and the same truck nutz from when this song came out, but there’s a baby seat in the back seat now. You drink exclusively Michelob Ultra. You recently traded in your straight legs for loose fit jeans. 


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