Untrue Facts: Aldean, Garth, Twitty, Morgan Wallen

Kid Rock's Big Ass Honky Tonk Drink Menu

 *satire

The Crud Report: May 2021

 (yeah, so May starts tomorrow... whatever)

Normal Nashville

Honest Morgan Wallen CMA Ad

Kid Rock Takes First Bath in 25 Years

Spurred on by his idea to “wed” country legend Loretta Lynn in a publicity stunt this past weekend, hip-hop/country/rocker Robert James Ritchie (aka Kid Rock) recently took his first bath since 1995. 

Mr. Rock, who is mostly just famous for being famous these days, has always been known for his grungy appearance and disheveled clothing but he felt that Loretta Lynn deserved him at his best for their ‘nuptials.’ “I couldn’t marry the queen of country music smelling like …everything and most of it bad…” said Ritchie. “Had to get fresh!”

He reported that the actual act of bathing was a several hour process, requiring multiple cleansing products and several semi-hazardous chemicals. “If I’m being honest,” Kid grinned. “There was a chisel, sandpaper, and a hammer involved.” The bath even had a title sponsor: Mean Green.

Known for his outlandish lifestyle, Rock never bothered to take even a quick shower during the past 25 years, saying he was too busy partying. A Republican, he once ran for US Senate and did not even wash his hands during the entire campaign, which also turned out to be yet another publicity stunt. 

“When I was finally through with my bath, you never seen such a f***ing bathtub ring,” he laughed. “If it was on the floor, you’d trip over it.” Rock said there was dirt, sawdust, parking tickets, grease, marijuana stems, an unidentified white powder, stripper glitter, and hair present in the layer of filth circling his tub. He had to hire ServiceMaster to return his bathroom to its pristine condition. “Might be a few years before I’m back in there, but I want it nice for company.” said Ritchie.

At press time, Loretta Lynn was being given a thorough medical exam after her contact with Kid Rock last weekend. 

Do People Still Say "I Just Threw Up in My Mouth?"

More Monday Memes: Kid Rock, Florida Georgia Line, The Simpsons

John Rich to Headline Christmas Tree Lighting at John Rich’s House

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, December 02, 2010 

John Rich, of Big & Rich and songwriting and solo fame, is slated to perform at and do the flip-switching honors for the Mt. Richmore Christmas Tree Lighting. The December 5th ceremony will commence with a mini-concert from Cowboy Troy, Gretchen Wilson and Kid Rock w/ Sebastian Bach. 

After igniting the resplendent purple and white LED beacons on the 20-foot Vermont balsam fir in the Mt. Richmore courtyard, superstar country singer John Rich will take the stage for a one-hour set of classic and contemporary country hits. 

Food will be available for purchase in the right atrium of the courtyard, with special guest cook Cowboy Troy grilling steaks and lobsters for guests' enjoyment. And, of course, there will be several outlets for attendees to "get their drank on." In addition to a main bar in the left atrium of the courtyard, there will also be a mini bar at the food concession and three rolling liquor carts to serve guests as they enjoy the holiday festivities. For VIP guests, there will also be drinks available in the elevator and bathrooms. 

"It's a huge honor to be at the head of the table, so to speak, for this great Christmas celebration!" beamed Rich at the press conference announcing the lighting. "Hopefully this will be an annual event... and I'd be happy to help out when I can, since it's for such a good cause." 

All profits from the concert will go to the Middle Tennessee RJRB (Replenish John Rich's Bar) Foundation and guests will receive an autographed 8x10 glossy of the country megastar wearing a Santa suit. Tickets will not be available for purchase, but Rich himself will visit local high school and community college campuses to hand out entry vouchers to "talented" students and co-eds. 

Wrapping up the press conference with a sales pitch, Rich smiled: "Come on out and celebrate Christ's holy birth, girls… uh, folks. Johnny Cash would be there if he was still alive." 

Local Man Arrested for Destruction of Pop-Country Playing Jukebox

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, May 18, 2011 

Local bowler and country music fan Reginald Spears, 46, has been arrested for destruction of property at an area bowling alley. Last Saturday at 9:15 PM, Spears was taken into custody for destroying the facility's jukebox with his 17 pound black-speckled Brunswick ball. 

Released on bail, Mr. Spears sat down and spoke with FNN correspondent Trailer about the events that had transpired on the previous Saturday. 

"Well, it goes like this," started Spears. "I was about to bowl my first 300 game; I was down to my final muthaf***ing frame and you know what come on the jukebox? F***ing Glory-anner. I'd dealt with Jason Aldean, Tim McGraw and Taylor Swift through 10 freaking perfect rolls, but that 'Wild at Heart' song just jerked me out of my zone… I went right in the gutter, g**dammit!" 

"My name is not on a little wooden plaque at the Southpaw Lanes because of a damn show choir!!" raged Reginald. "My blood started boilin' in the sixth set when somebody played that dirty sumb*tch Kid Rock, but I let it slide with the help of some cold, sweet High Life…" 

Missing out on the first perfect game cranked Reginald into an unbridled fury. Witness reports have him cursing at a high volume before retrieving his ball from the return. He walked semi-calmly to where the change machine and jukebox rest against the south wall before going into his locally revered wind-up. 

"He bowled a strike on that one!" laughed Percy Garvin, local 205 average bowler. "I gave him a high five. I hate country music! Why can't anybody around here ever order up some Clarence Carter?" 

Spears' shot hit squarely in the middle of the "new fangled" digital jukebox, smashing two speakers and the hard drive, ending the evening's musical accompaniment. Insurance adjusters called it a total loss, valuing the jukebox at $1250.35. 

"I smiled in the mug shot… Hell, I'm proud of what I did," said a defiant Mr. Spears. "I struck a blow against mainstream country and against that dumb*ss drunk sorority girl who paid half a dollar to hear crap." 

Reginald Spears has been banned from Southpaw Lanes and removed from the local league, prompting this response from the accused: "I don't give a fried f**k; I'm going into golf now. That's the only other sport you can drink while you play." 

Latest Lil Nas X Single Revealed!

“Old Town Road (Rerererereremix)”

Lil Nas X

ft. Billy Ray Cyrus, Young Thug, Mason Ramsey,

Kid Rock, Lizzo, Florida-Georgia Line, Bon Iver,

Steve Aoki, Willie Nelson, Wale, Travis Barker,

Kane Brown, City Girls, Future, Ed Sheeran,

David Guetta, Camila Cabello, Meek Mill,

Blanco Brown, Chase Rice, Migos, Saweetie,

Brooks & Dunn, Maren Morris, & Halsey.

Brad Paisley's New Album All Songs About Songs

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, March 22, 2011 

FNN has learned that Brad Paisley's upcoming album release, This Is Country Music, features 12 new songs, all of them about songs. 

His first single, "This Is Country Music," deftly describes the reasons country music is in the state it is today resonates so deeply with its audience, while "Old Alabama" reminisces about good times had while listening to Alabama songs. 

The third single is tentatively scheduled to be "Jesus Take The Wheel," which is about Carrie Underwood's song of the same title. In it, Paisley relates how much that song meant to him personally and how his wife heard the song when she was nearly in a car accident on the way to an audition for a new Martin Lawrence sitcom. 

Other tracks on the release include "Play Me Hank Jr., Junior," "Tucker'd Out" and "Kid Rock's 'All Summer Long.'" The latter features Kid Rock on a verse, giving his appreciation to Brad for the shout-out and for solidifying "All Summer Long" as a yearly recurrent from May through August. 

The centerpiece of This Is Country Music is undoubtedly "The Song You're Listening To." It recounts, moment by moment, how you--the listener--are feeling as you hear the verses and chorus of that very song itself. In an era of immediate feedback, this is as meta as it gets. 

It's clear that Brad Paisley has his dexterous finger on the pulse of country and popular culture, and This Is Country Music will set the bar for observational skill and synopsis. 

At press time, Brad was hard at work looking back nostalgically on the days when he had new ideas for songs. 

Country Walk-Up Songs 2019

College baseball has started and MLB is on the way. Go Cubs! 

As we did in 2013 & 2017, FTM ponders what songs country singers 

should use as their perfect "walk up" music if they were baseball players.

----------

Dustin Lynch

Mitchell Tenpenny

David Allan Coe

Sturgill Simpson

Kane Brown

Margo Price

Jordan Davis

Russell Dickerson

FGL

Rich O'Toole

Jason Aldean

The Crud Report December: Old Dominion, Christmas, Kid Rock, etc.

Untrue Facts About Hank Sr., Martina, Shooter Jennings, etc.

The Secret to Rockers Going Country

These pop and rock artists could have had more success 

in the country world with these subtle lyrical changes.

Honest Radio Promo Ad: Kid Rock

Trump Goes Over His List of Inauguration Performers

What Your Carved Pumpkin Says About You: 2016 Edition

 Someone who lives here wears an electronic ankle bracelet.
We're handing out candy truck nutz. 

 We're voting for Gary Johnson.
We're listening to Willie.
We might ask for some of your candy.

 Mom can't stand Miranda Lambert.
And she's drunk on White Zinfandel.

 An intelligent and sophisticated person lives here.
Will not give candy to anyone dressed up like Luke Bryan.

We hand out organic candy.
But some of it might be Molly or LSD.

You better have your shots up to date.

Top 10 Conspiracies Shooter Jennings Can Cover Next

 

To celebrate the release of the Black Ribbons Ultimate Edition, Shooter Jennings has been running a podcast recently called Beyond the Black. In it he discusses the conspiracy-minded topics covered on that dystopian album. Jeremy counted down the best topics Shooter can cover on future episodes!

(and it's a top 11)

Top 11 Upcoming Topics For 

Shooter Jennings' Beyond The Black Podcasts

11. David Allan Coe was never picked up by the ghost of Hank Williams. 

10. All Colt Ford songs are secretly written about independent wrestler Die Hard Tom McClane. 

9. Bambi's mom was an inside job. 

8. Earl Thomas Conley schedules his tour dates around the Seattle Seahawks schedule. Coincidence?

7. 'Walking Dead' scenes that show destroyed urban areas are actually drone footage from outdoor bro-country concerts. 

6. The earth is a simulation created by Richard Garriott.

5. Randy Quaid and Gary Levox have never been seen together. Tune in to find out why. 

4. Proof that Sturgill Simpson is actually a reptile alien made of light. 

3. Detroit was booming until Kid Rock went country. The connection is there!

2. Two members of Jackson Taylor's band are NOT sinners. 

1. Billy Ray Cyrus died in a rollerblading accident and was saved when doctors working as consultants on the show 'Doc' stole Elvis' brain and implanted it into his head. The show was cancelled shortly after because he constantly wanted to sing 'Love Me Tender' during every episode. (This title may need to be shortened before airing the show)

-by Jeremy Harris