Jul 2, 2020
Jun 30, 2020
Apr 8, 2020
10. Garth Brooks
Just cries in the corner the whole time.
9. Kacey Musgraves
Smokes up all your weed.
8. Gary LeVox
In this temporarily ‘nicer’ era of Farce the Music, I will leave this one alone, but you know why he’s here.
7. Martina McBride
High stakes poker games with toilet paper for money. Constantly setting up booby traps and cleaning her AK for when “shit goes down.”
6. Cody Jinks
Won’t stop reminding everyone that The Rock is a big fan. Unfortunately, Ward Davis had to come along too - it’s a package deal.
5. Justin Moore
Constantly needs help reaching stuff in the cabinet and climbing up on the toilet.
4. Mitchell Tenpenny
Your wife won’t come out of the bedroom because “his staring is getting really creepy.” Refuses to wash his hands.
3. Thomas Rhett
Brings over all his kids and their friends, negating the whole social distancing thing. Wants to have Ed Sheeran karaoke contests 24/7.
2. Sam Hunt
Expects you to keep his hair cut and styled for him. Water bill extremely high from washing all his jogger pants. Wants you to be the snap track for him when he’s writing songs.
1. Shooter Jennings
Eats all your Funyuns. His ‘essential’ luggage is 5 crates of He-Man lunch boxes.
Eats up all the wifi bandwidth playing video games constantly. Conspiracy theories out the wazoo.
Jan 23, 2020
Jan 16, 2020
I know he didn't write these, but he picked all of the songs to record,
so there must be an issue with his discernment.
They all gather 'round my teepee
Late at night tryin' to catch a peek at me
In nothin' but my buffalo briefs
I got 'em standin' in line
Farmer Johnson's daughters just pulled up in a Jeep
Man he knows how to grow 'em if ya know what I mean
"Down on the Farm"
Flipped the switch on my dumaflache
Played my piano like Liberace
"You Turn Me On"
She sits quietly there
Like water in a jar
"She's My Kind of Rain"
Back when a hoe was a hoe
Coke was a coke
And crack's what you were doing
When you were cracking jokes
Back when a screw was a screw
The wind was all that blew
And when you said I'm down with that
Well it meant you had the flu
I hope you both choke on a pickle
Man that would tickle me to death
"Do You Want Fries With That?"
Everybody say "Ha Ha Ha, Ha Ha Ha"
My friends are always giving me
Watches, hats, and wine
"Last Dollar (Fly Away)"
I spent fifteen hundred dollars on your damn dog's collar
Put new spinners on your Escalade
"It's a Business Doing Pleasure With You"
She ordered us a drink
It was a purple kind of pink
She said it’s got a shot of a little bit of everything
Mellow yellow umbrella for a fella like me
"Felt Good on My Lips"
Chillin' in the back room
Hangin' with my whole crew
Sippin' on a cold brew, hey now!
Wanna get it jacked up yeah
Let's crank it on up yeah
I'm in a mexicoma
My my my my my my mexicoma
That girl, she's a party all-nighter,
A little "Funky Cold Medina," little "Strawberry Wine"-er,
That girl, she's a love gunslinger, neon jägerbomb country-okie singer
"Lookin' For That Girl"
That girl she's a sugar sweet drive-by
Hold my dreams in her blue jeans, oh my
"Lookin' For That Girl"
I'm talkin' way outside with the crickets and the dogs and the ye'haws, and the grandmas
Come on, y'all know what I'm talking about
Put your mouth to the spout where the gospel comes out
Way down, way down, way down, way down, way down, way down, way down