Showing posts with label Fake News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fake News. Show all posts

Jul 23, 2021

Brad Paisley Fan Purchases Larger Shirt from Merch Stand to Hide Swampass

Brad Paisley fan Jerry Potenza just returned to the merchandise stand for a second Brad Paisley t-shirt. “It’s to hide the swamp ass,” laughed Potenza, happily shelling out another $38 for a 3 XL black shirt with our country guitar hero shredding on the front and tour dates on the back. His wife was in possession of his other identical but size large t-shirt as well as a yard tall margarita.

After purchasing the second overpriced shirt, Potenza slipped into the bathroom and changed into it from his too-short-to-hide-the-expanding-sweat-pool-on-the-ass-of-his-cargo-shorts Columbia fishing shirt. “Ah that’s better,” he exhaled. “Why they chose to have a concert outdoors in Mississippi in July is beyond me.” 

With the thermometer still in the 80s and the humidity at 95% even at almost 9 PM, Potenza’s nether regions became a sauna and then a kiddie pool and then a reservoir of perspiration as he sat through openers Kameron Marlowe and Jimmie Allen. Now that he’s ready to stand up and shout along to songs like “I’m Gonna Miss Her” and “Online,” Jerry needs to be presentable to the people in the row behind him. 

“I don’t know them from Adam… well, that lady may go to my church but anyway, I may never see those people again, but that’s no reason to display the grayish stain spreading across the back middle seam of my St. John’s Bay khaki cargos to them.” he explained. 

Other concert goers reported similar issues as their pants, shorts, skirts, and jeans showed the clear signs of what happens when buttocks are in contact with seats in sweltering conditions. Many made the same trip to the merch booth as Jerry, but other less self conscious folks just let their moist freak flags fly. “It’s swamp ass for days,” laughed fellow show enjoyer Leslie Proctor. “Who cares? I’m druuuunnnnk.” 

At press time, Potenza was experiencing another unfortunate heat-related issue as his man parts refused to unstick from his leg. 

Jul 16, 2021

Man’s Undying Love for Country Music Dies with Walmart CD Section

Perry Huddleston, former country lover
“Country music is dead,” lamented former country music lover Perry Huddleston. “That stuff they play on the radio is just pop with a southern accent, and nobody sells CDs or tapes anymore so I guess I’ll just listen to Clay Travis from now on.” Perry was seemingly unaware of the existence of the vibrant modern country and Americana scene as he went on to mourn the death of a genre he’d loved since childhood.

“I went into the Walmart electronics section this week to see if I could get a Best of Johnny Paycheck CD, and I couldn’t even find a music display in there.” said Huddleston. “I asked the lady at the register and she pointed me to a couple of Mexican music albums jammed in by the Blu-Rays. I’m not too big a man to admit that I cried a little.” 

“Country music literally no longer exists.” he frowned, not realizing that Amazon, Apple Music, Spotify, Bandcamp, CD Baby, Tower Records, CDE, eBay, and literally thousands of other sources for country music are available to him with only a few simple movements of his fingers against the screen of his phone.

“I blame god***n Garth Brooks; he killed it, and I was glad my local ‘classic’ country station went off the air cause they had started playing Garth songs lately.” Huddleston went on. “Now, Chris LeDoux, that was a real country singer. RIP.” 

“I’m probably the biggest country music fan I know and I love it with all of my heart; Sh** I’m gonna miss it.” he said, ignorant of the fact that approximately 50 albums that he in particular would enjoy have come out in the first half of this very year. 

When we informed Huddleston that hundreds, if not thousands of contemporary “real” country artists offer physical copies of their music, including his beloved CDs online, he expressed suspicion. “I don’t buy anything online because the Chicoms will steal my identity; I just use it to read the news on Gettr.”

Jul 9, 2021

Texas Country Singer Dies After Accidentally Eating Chili with Beans

Up and coming Texas country singer-songwriter Kodee Westmoreland passed away on Monday, July 5. Westmoreland was visiting friend Lawrence Allen in Louisiana for the long Independence Day weekend when he suddenly became violently ill after a meal. Allen rushed him to the emergency room, but Westmoreland was declared dead upon arrival.

The cause of death is still pending investigation, but Westmoreland’s parents believe they know what happened. “They fed him chili with …beans put in it.” cried Lori Westmoreland, Kodee’s mother. “I think he just died from the shock of such a travesty.”

Allen, for his part, admits serving the heretofore mentioned bespoiled chili. “That’s silly,” said Allen. “I’m trying to mourn my friend and they’re throwing accusations at me. Was he allergic to beans? No. Did he choke? No. Case closed.”

Still, Allen’s account of the incident to police adds credence to the Westmorelands’ theory. According to the report, Westmoreland took a large bite of chili directly from the pot Allen was cooking in. He then told Allen “That has good flavor, but something isn’t right.” Allen asked if maybe some more cumin might help. “Hell no,” said Westmoreland. “But… oh God.” Westmoreland then immediately bent over clutching his stomach. “There’s. Beans.” were reportedly the last words he ever uttered.

The Westmoreland family has retained legal counsel and plans to pursue a civil suit against Lawrence Allen. “We’re still formulating an argument at this point, but clearly the act of cooking ‘chili bean stew’ and calling it chili, leading to Kodee’s consumption of the mislabeled dish, caused such trauma to his system and sense of Texas pride that his heart simply stopped.” said family attorney Howard Kaufmann.

“I just miss my friend,” said Allen. “I don’t think he was so hard-headed that he died because I broke the Texas Ten Commandments or something.”

It will be interesting to see how the situation plays out. RIP in peace, Kodee!

Rich O’Toole was unavailable for comment at press time.

Jun 18, 2021

Pop-Country Singer Awaiting Focus Group’s Decision on What He Should Eat for Breakfast

A pop-country superstar is currently awaiting word from his own personal focus group on what he should partake of for his morning meal.

The committee is currently hung up on the likely outcomes of the choice between whole-grain waffles with light powdered sugar and strawberries or a bowl of plain Cheerios and a large banana.

While Ricardo, the singer’s personal trainer, believes the latter choice would be a better energy source for the busy day of photo shoots and radio station visits ahead, Lisa, his stylist/handler, is certain that the strawberries would appeal more to the females in the Holiday Inn's continental breakfast room right now.

His manager, Frank, sees both sides of the coin but is on Lisa's side because she promised to refill his ice bucket when they return from the day's promotional activities.

The popular singer, according to his latest Tweet, is growing quite hungry and would really like to have the buttermilk pancakes with heavy syrup and real butter, with a side of bacon and a large cup of coffee, but he knows that's not happening.

Lester Johnston, southeastern sales rep for Siemens, who has no idea who the hell any of these people are, is growing quite pissed that they won't move out of the way so he can get some damn Frosted Flakes and a cherry pastry. On second thought, Lester thinks maybe he has seen the kid in the news recently. Something about getting lost on his own 40 acre property or whatever.

by Trailer - Original version posted on Country California Monday, July 27, 2009

Jun 11, 2021

Sam Hunt Tapped to Play Snowman in Smokey & the Bandit Reboot

In his first major acting role, country star Sam Hunt has been picked to star alongside Ryan Reynolds in an upcoming reboot of the blockbuster car chase movie Smokey & The Bandit. Hunt takes over the "Snowman" part from another country music legend, the late Jerry Reed.

In the 2022 tentpole film, the duo will be tasked with trucking a load of organic, locally-sourced kale from California to Nashville in 3 days for a record label shindig. This is a shift from the original, in which Burt Reynold’s Bandit and Reed’s titular truck driver had to get a truck of Coors from Texarkana to Atlanta in a set amount of time. Cultural and legal changes through the years led head writer Lev Hafstetler to update the theme. That’s not the only change this new Bandit vehicle will see.

“I’m driving an electric delivery van instead of an 18 wheeler,” laughed Hunt. “It’s not quite as cool looking as the original rig, but I’m going to do my best to bring a modern sensitivity to the character and a presence behind the wheel.” 

Ryan Reynolds, for his part, will pilot a black Tesla Roadster, which replaces the classic Firebird Trans Am. “We felt it of highest importance to promote environmental awareness, especially given the fact that Reynolds’ character will be doing some somewhat irresponsible driving in the picture.” said director Pete Pontagne.

The antagonist of S&B will be a gang of lifted pickup truck drivers who bully and ridicule Reynolds and Hunt’s characters for driving electric vehicles. “It’s some triggering stuff,” insisted Pontagne. “But we felt it better to go this direction than to feature ….you know… (whispers) law enforcement… in a position that might present them in a relatable, humorous light.” 

Sam Hunt, the singer of classic country hits like “Body Like a Back Road” and “House Party” will make his first foray into the acting world for Smokey & The Bandit, and he couldn’t be more excited. “I’ve been studying Terry Reed’s [sic] acting style and his great old songs like “On the Road Again” [sic] and “Six Days on the Road” [sic] to get into his mindset of his snarky, gritty take on Cledus Snow, but as I said earlier, I’ll inject some politeness and empathy into the role.” said Hunt.

Test audiences who have seen a rough cut of Smokey & The Bandit, due Memorial Day 2022, describe it as “awful” and “watered down and namby-pamby” and “utter shit.”

May 28, 2021

Luke Bryan Tears Buttcheek Rehearsing for New Tour

While practicing for his upcoming return to touring, country superstar Luke Bryan tore his moneymaker. Doctors have put him on bed rest while he recuperates from the serious injury to his most important feature. 

Sources say Bryan was winding up for his crowd-pleasing butt thrust featuring a patented shit-eating grin when he grabbed at his lower hiney area and fell to the stage crying. “It was bad,” said guitarist Michael Carter. “Our paychecks depend on his ass, literally, so we all gasped when his strongest attribute failed him.”

While fans surely come out to Luke Bryan shows for the fun, drinks, and upbeat pop-country music, many of his (mostly) female fans cast their gaze a bit lower for his biggest draw. “Oh, that sugar shaker,” laughed Lera Towson of West Memphis, AR. “I can’t name more than three of his songs, but that thang keeps me coming back! I hope it’s, I mean, I hope he’s going to be okay!”

“I diagnosed the patient with a grade 3 rupturing of the left booty cheek,” said Dr. James Keister, Luke’s physician. “All that time off during the pandemic got him a bit rusty and now he’s going to have to keep his rump in repose for a few weeks.” Bryan’s Proud to Be Right Here tour will be delayed into at least July.

Bryan, for his part, was upbeat but taking things in stride. “Some have said I should just go on tour and sit on a pillow and sing my songs, but who goes out to a concert just to hear music?” laughed Bryan. “My fans can rest assured that in a month or so, my ass will be back at 110%!”

May 21, 2021

CDC Recommends Wearing 2-3 Masks at Kane Brown Concerts, Even After Pandemic

Despite relaxing or ending 13 months of Covid-19 mask mandates, the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has continued one recommendation for fans of pop-country singer Kane Brown. "You can resume activities without wearing a mask or staying six feet apart, except at Kane Brown concerts,” the CDC said on Thursday.

They went on to say that the prevalence of poor hygiene and high levels of transmissible illnesses and diseases among this specific subset of music fans makes it necessary to continue pandemic era protocols for the foreseeable future. This includes wearing not only a mask, but two, and possibly three masks. 6-10 feet of social distancing is also required.

“This fan army, whose main demographic is adolescent, caucasian, rural, teenaged girls or young women and their boyfriends, exhibits much higher than normal frequencies of sexually transmissible diseases and other airborne contagions,” said Dr. Lew Dunne, of Georgia’s state CDC office. “They infrequently bathe or brush their teeth, so the masks will help with the stench as well.”

The CDC has even gone so far as to send links to a YouTube video or TikTok of the warning with the purchased digital tickets to Kane Brown concerts. “Many of them are unable to read at a middle school level and only communicate with their friends through short videos of dancing or ‘snatching a bitch’s wig’ so we created a fun and informative video that explains our recommendation with song and dance.” said Dunne. “It’s been quite effective so far.”

At press time, the CDC was recommending avoiding Upchurch concerts altogether.

May 14, 2021

Every Pop-Country Artist’s Next Album to Be “Country as Hell”

Spurred on by the popularity of somewhat neo-traditional artists Jon Pardi and Luke Combs, nearly every pop-country artist vowed this week that their next release will be “country as hell.” 

“We’re even bringing in a violin player!” smiled Kane Brown, in studio working on his proper follow-up to 2019’s Experiment. “It’s gonna be country as hell!” Brown was said to be drinking moonshine from a jar and wearing steel toe work boots in the vocal booth to get into character. 

Thomas Rhett recently released the album Country Again, Side A, which features two songs with the word ‘country’ in the title. “Yeah, we saw the writing on the wall…. errr, I mean, we felt that this was the natural evolution of my sound.” said Rhett. Critics and naysayers were skeptical but modestly surprised with the results.

The changing tides in Nashville have even spurred a peculiar support industry - the “country life coach.” Consultants have hired on with several pop-country artists to help them work on their authenticity, which seems ironic. “We’ve put (name excluded) on a diet of fried foods and got him out of the gym into the hog barn, ha.” said Richard Perkins, an authenticity coach. “We’ve taught him what a steel guitar is, and how to tie a trot line, not just sing about one.” 

While the trend toward more organic and source-oriented country music is not unwelcome, one must question the motives for the turn. D-Lister Dylan Scott told us “Well, my management somehow works me a hit or two a year, but nobody’s ever heard of me; we had to do something …so we’re in the studio working on some country as hell country!” smiled the burly Louisiana native. 

At press time, Sam Hunt had no plans to stop talk singing about small town breakups over trap beats. 

May 7, 2021

The Band Perry Reveals Last 6 Years Have Been Elaborate Hoax

“Ha ha! Got ya!” laughed Kimberly Perry, lead vocalist of pop-country trio The Band Perry. “Y’all thought we’d lost our minds, huh?” Perry, clad in blue jeans, a Merle Haggard t-shirt, and a dark plaid tied around her waste, explained the long con in a short interview with us this week. 

“We’re back so y’all can play us again,” she smiled, jokingly elbowing the air as if dropping a big hint to country radio programmers. “This was all a prank Reid thought of.” Kimberly’s brother apparently came up with the idea in 2014, but only planned on the elaborate joke lasting for a year or so. 7 years later, the group is playing clubs and living off Covid stimulus checks. 

The Band Perry, on the strength of smash hits like “If I Die Young,” “Better Dig Two,” and “You Lie,” was quickly racing toward A-list status in the mainstream country realm. Suddenly, as if bored with success and money, things took a weird detour. In 2015, the trio suddenly took a hard turn toward pop music, cycling through various and increasingly strange and less country iterations and fashions over the next half decade, leaving fans and critics alike dumbfounded. 

“That tan era was my idea,” admitted Perry. “Looking back, it looked sorta incestuous; that was honestly pretty creepy …even for a hoax, which it really really seriously was.” “I’m not kidding now. We’re a country band. Can't believe y'all fell for it.” she followed.

Perry told us they truly did not intend to commit so fully to the practical joke. “I don’t even like electronic music, and I could puke looking at the photos from the ‘yellow’ era… we just kept daring each other to keep it going and keep it going… then the money started running out, so here we are.” explained Perry. “But it’s not about the money at all, I mean it; we just screwed up.”

While not currently signed to a major label, the group hopes the big reveal of the definitely authentic hoax will have the big companies back at their doorstep. “We want to open shows for boyfriend country singers, we wanna do radio tours, we wanna put out syrupy catchy murder songs again!” smiled Perry. “Please believe me that this was just a silly ruse.”

At press time, The Band Perry was planning to sell the prank as a non-fungible token, whatever that means.

Apr 23, 2021

Several People Learn Dan + Shay is Two Dudes By Reading This Very Headline

Several readers of the headline above today learned that superstar country (pop) duo Dan + Shay is, in fact, composed of two male singers. Before having their eyes come upon those thirteen words, those readers, who may still be reading these sentences I am typing, believed that Shay was a woman. 

The reasons for their assumptions are varied and understandable. First, “Shay” is generally recognized to be a name for females and possibly those who identify as females. Secondly, the vocal presentation of Dan + Shay is rather high pitched. Women of the human species usually have shorter, thinner vocal cords, causing the sound produced in the larynx and uttered through the mouth to be in the upper register. 

Thirdly, those readers, usually not fans of pop country music, may have glanced quickly at promotional photos of Dan + Shay and noticed that one of the members of the duo has long hair (and occasionally no facial hair) and vaguely noted mentally that one of them was female. This is not the case. That misjudged member of the duo is named Dan, which is generally recognized to be a name for males and possibly those who identify as males. 

Those newly-informed readers who are still perusing these paragraphs may be surprised to learn, additionally, that Shay is the always-bearded member of the platinum-selling, ACM Award winning musical act. Indeed, Shay is the lead vocalist of the group, but in fact possesses the attributes that identify Mooney as a male, though if that definition has changed as of the posting of this story, I apologize to anyone I may have offended and will attempt to better myself.

“Huh, you learn something every day,” said Jackson Smith of Houston, upon coming to the realization that Shay Mooney is not a woman. “But they still suck.” Smith also posted a politically incorrect comment about the duo’s sexuality below the Facebook link for this very story. It was hidden or deleted promptly.

Shay Mooney, upon finding out that many music fans assumed him to be a her, stated “I don’t care, I’m rich.”

Apr 16, 2021

Local Man Mows Vulgar Phrase on Radio Station Lawn

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, May 03, 2013 

Local country music fan Reginald Spears was arrested Friday morning after mowing a vulgar phrase onto the lawn of radio station WTSM Catfish 104.9 FM. 

Police said Spears, who has a long record of misdemeanors and public complaints, was taken into custody without incident at the country station as he admired his work from the seat of his John Deere riding lawnmower. Deputy William Cranston said the man was finishing off a bottle of whiskey and singing to himself before turning around with his hands behind his back. 

"We'd gotten a few calls about a white male driving a mower through town with shoes dragging behind, but hadn't been able to find him until the radio station manager called us," said Cranston. 

WTSM manager Bart McGee confronted the man before calling police.  "I asked him if he was with our lawn care service because he looked suspicious and kind of familiar. There wasn't a truck or trailer anywhere, just him on his mower," said McGee. "It wasn't until he said something about us only playing George Jones because he died that I noticed what he'd just done... there was a huge 'F**k You' mowed into the grass." 

Although Mr. Spears was not available for comment at press time, his wife - Laverne Spears, also local was all too pleased to fill us in on the events leading up to the incident. "His alarm clock woke him up with the radio playing that Forrest Gump remix of 'Finally Friday' and he got up cranky. He said he was gonna show them sumb*tches about respecting the Possum." 

"He went out and cranked up the mower and I thought he was just gonna cut the yard till he drove off down the road," she continued.  Spears' ride apparently took him to Barney's Package Store, then the Goodwill Store, where he was seen tying shoes behind the mower. He snarled mid-morning traffic as he drove the slow-moving vehicle through the town square to his final destination. 

"He pointed at those shoes behind his mower and asked me 'Who the f**k's gonna fill em? Fake Shelton?' I could smell whiskey on his breath," recounts McGee. "Then a light came on and I remembered he was the same guy who cut our signal a couple of years back for playing 'Christmas Shoes.' What a kook!" 

Spears may now be facing some actual jail time due to his prior record. His charges for this "protest" include operating a non-street-legal vehicle in traffic, driving while intoxicated and vandalism.  "That vandalism charge is bullsh*t," claims Mrs. Spears. "Their grass was high as an armadillo's *ss. He was helping them out. They can kiss my *ss too! Long live the Possum!" 

Apr 9, 2021

Man Was Just Concerned Band Might Not Play Songs They Play at Every Show

The man who kept yelling out the names of songs the band plays at every show was just concerned they wouldn’t. He didn’t realize he was annoying you with his constant hollering of obvious song titles, and acting pissed when they didn’t play one of those songs immediately after his obnoxious request.

Lee Baker, of Tallahassee, is a contractor and father of three, who because of the pandemic and his family duties hasn’t been to a live music show in over 2 years. You may recognize him as the average looking dad with dark circles under his eyes who’s always alone at Americana, country, and folk rock shows, very drunk, and looking as if he hasn’t been out of the house in ages.

“Well, I haven’t been to a show in over 2 years,” said Baker. “And I haven’t been out of the house in ages, so I just wanted to make sure I’d hear my favorites. Is that so wrong? ” 

“It was so wrong.” said the band’s lead singer. “As if we weren’t going to get around to our three most popular songs that our fans love singing along to at literally every single show we do. He might as well have yelled at me to ‘make vocalizations with your throat, tongue, and mouth!’” 

Like a Skynyrd fan yelling “Free Bird!,” Baker held his IPA in the air and continuously screamed out titles that are so much a part of the bands repertoire that they don’t even include them on the typed out set list any more. “What’s he think?” asked the group’s bassist. “We’re gonna play Luke Bryan covers and deep cuts all night?!” 

“He even yelled out one song they’d already played,” said another exasperated show goer. “I’ve talked to him before and he’s a nice guy until the lights go down. He needs to get laid.”

Mar 26, 2021

Local Man Wins Award for Never Having Heard of Luke Bryan

Local welder and “real country fan” Carl Outlaw recently picked up a prestigious award for his lack of pop-culture knowledge. The American Cultural Luddite Society gave Outlaw a plaque and a $50 gift certificate to Panera for his achievement in the area, particularly for Carl’s lack of awareness of country superstar Luke Bryan.

“We were duly impressed,” said Luddite Society president Keith Tarlington. “It seemed that nearly every social media post about Luke Bryan was followed with a reply from Carl… a “Who TF is that?” here, a “Luke Bryan, who’s she?” there.”  “We were shocked that a human being with functioning sensory organs and an internet connection could not recognize the platinum selling superstar.” he continued. “Therefore, Mr. Outlaw has been bestowed with this distinguished recognition for his willful ignorance.”

While some might suspect Outlaw of simply trolling, friends and relatives say he is honestly that unaware of popular music. “He’s damn proud of it too,” said cousin LeeLee Outlaw. “Makes sure to brag about not ever having heard Florida-Georgia Line, or whoever …like it’s some accomplishment. He’s weird as hell.” 

“I don’t listen to the radio” said Outlaw over the phone. “And I haven’t owned a TV in my entire life, so no, I really don’t know who Luke White or whoever you said is. And I’ve also never heard of ‘Beyonsee’ or ‘The Weekend’ or ‘Luke Coats’ or anybody like that and I’m glad I haven’t. I only listen to country music.”

When asked if he meant Toby Keith, Tim McGraw, or Taylor Swift, he sniffed “Who the f*** are they?” 

Based on our interview, Outlaw does not, in fact, live under a rock and has not been asleep for 30 years (he’s only 23). He simply prides himself on avoiding any music that the general populous enjoys. 

Well enjoy that Panera, oh great sidestepper of the mainstream. You’ve earned it!

Mar 19, 2021

Alan Jackson to Release Album of Cringey Novelty Songs

There’s news on the Alan Jackson front. The long, tall country legend, who hasn’t released a full album since 2015’s Angels and Alcohol today announced Crazy as a Pet Coon, an album of novelty songs to be dropped in May. 

“We like to put a fun ‘un on every album, you know.” said Jackson, in the PR blast. “Well, we had about 50 of them that never made the cut for one reason or another, so I decided to collect the best and put ‘em out.” He went on: “If this one does well, we’ll put out another volume that’ll have songs about rhubarb pie, waiting in the DMV, and cutting your toenails on the bed.” 

Jackson’s more light-hearted songs of the past have touched on everything from sandwich meat to sandals, drawing guffaws for both humor and, let’s face it, pure inelegance. Kids today might even call them “cringe.” His uneasy relationship with technology has also been a consistent topic, in songs such as “www.memory” and “I Still Like Bologna.”

This collection looks to serve up an artery-clogging main course of the same kind of cheese. The title track, a southern colloquialism come to life, ponders life with a wild woman who’s as “cute as she is crazy.” “Don’t Let the Butterbean Juice Run on My Biscuit” pretty much gives the story away in its name, documenting a failing relationship in which each partner focuses on the minor details rather than work on the real issues. 

The album leads off with "I Got Redbugs," a big fear of every southern youngun’ who has taken a leak in the great outdoors. Jackson gets surprisingly crude in this one, singing of “parasites on muh pecker” and body parts “swole up like maters.” It certainly brings the laughter, if only in a shocked “oh my God, why did he sing about that and in that particular manner?” kind of way.

We also get a sequel to “I Don’t Even Know Your Name” on the album, titled, obviously, “I Still Don’t Even Know Your Name.” Then there's “I’ve Got a Hemi,” which we didn’t hear, but is clearly a sexual metaphor about pickup trucks.

Crazy as a Pet Coon is out May 14, and the full track list is below.

1. I Got Redbugs

2. Vienna Sausage Blues

3. I Still Don’t Even Know Your Name

(Sequel to “I Don’t Even Know Your Name”)

4. iPhone uPhone wePhone

5. Meat and Three

6. Don’t Let the Butterbean Juice Run on My Biscuit

7. She Left Me on Read

8. I’ve Got a Hemi

9. Warshcloth

10. Page Me a Beer

11. Crazy as a Pet Coon

Mar 12, 2021

Sleep Doctors Recommend Modern Country Radio as Sleep Aid

When patients come in complaining of sleep issues or constant tiredness, somnologists have many options. Sleep studies, diet and exercise changes, medication, breathing machines, and many other methods help doctors remedy those in their care. 

Lately, many sleep doctors are turning to an unusual therapy to cure insomnia: country music. Well, modern mainstream country radio, to be more precise. Studies have found the popular genre to be effective in nearly 72% of cases overall. 

Dr. Lenox Knox of Chicago was the first sleep specialist to discover the unlikely health aid. “I had a patient in my waiting room who told us he hadn’t slept in 4 straight days who was sound asleep.” said Knox. “We were playing a satellite country station over the speakers… I believe the artist was Dan and Jay or something like that.” “Long story short,” he continued. “We did a mini study on the patient, removed all other variables, and it was unquestionably the pop-country music that cured him.”

While official clinical trials are yet to take place, several of Knox’s associates report similar success. 

“We had a woman who was unresponsive to medication who basically passed out on the examination table when we played her the latest song from an artist called Niko Moon.” said Dr. Terry Temple of Shreveport. “We’re discovering that it’s not country music in general that is causing this effect on her and other patients, but specifically the style that is currently popular on mainstream radio stations.” 

“With mid-tempo “vibe” oriented soundscapes dominating the format right now, our patients are honestly just bored to sleep,” said Knox. “To put it un-clinically, their minds just shut off due to the drudgery and sameness.”

When questioned about why the style of music was so effective in helping the sleep-challenged resume a healthful pattern of rest, Temple theorized that “it’s the lack of sharp ‘real’ drum sounds, the sonic malaise of similar tempos, and the unchallenging subject matter, but that’s just a guess; I don’t mean to blindly group Kane Bryan, Dick Russelton, and all those other artists together.”


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