Showing posts with label Fake News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fake News. Show all posts

Jan 31, 2025

Grundy County Sale Barn Investigated for Human Trafficking

The Grundy Co. Sheriff's department is seeking this person of interest
The Grundy County Auction Sale Barn is under fire for a troubling recent event and police are now investigating the venue for possible human trafficking.

While normally a facility for bidding on livestock and farm equipment, the sale barn on Friday January 22 allegedly became the scene of a crime. As the crowd was beginning to make their bids on a sturdy one-ton Hereford bull, one man in the crowd began making motions towards a woman down on the second row.

"He was yelling about how fine this woman was, man," said Will Royer, a buyer from out past the Wonder Cave. "I thought we couldn't sexually harass women in 2025, but anyway... he kept pointing her out and saying she was an 8 or 9 or 10 and he wanted to buy her or maybe she bought him; it was confusing."

Auctioneer Dwight Smith said he told the man to stop disrupting business, but he just kept at it. "We didn't have nothing to do with whatever went down, I was just going a mile a minute trying to sell some breeding stock of the bovine sort and he was pestering this pretty lady." said Smith.

Details are sketchy about what happened next, but what is known is that the gentleman left with the woman, who was described as a 30-something caucasian woman in a black dress with blonde hair and blue eyes. The man was said to be a middle-aged caucasian around 6 feet tall, wearing a blue and black flannel. A grainy photo was provided and authorities have said to call any Grundy Co. officials if you recognize the man.

"We're not even sure anything illegal happened, or if money was exchanged," said deputy Sheriff Richard Fagan. "All we know is that a sketchy hookup happened, and we need to know if the sale barn is in the habit of doing a different kind of load out."

At press time, the sale barn's plans for an auction next Saturday were proceeding with caution. 


Jan 24, 2025

Morgan Wallen Fan Secretly Wishes Current Single Was Produced by Diplo and Featured 21 Savage

Morgan Wallen fan Walker Dylan has publicly declared Wallen's current single "Smile" to be fire and "he don't miss," but secretly wishes it was more bussin'. Across social media, he proclaimed the track as "dope ASL" and said he was glad Wallen made country music rizzed up again but Dylan is honestly kind of disappointed.

"I mean, I ain't gone throw shade on my dude, but I can't listen to "Smile" around my boys," said Dylan. "It ain't even got any beats or a guest rapper." He went on to say he wished the song was produced by Diplo or Tay Keith, and maybe had some 21 Savage bars.

"I could bump it in my Raptor then, but it's kinda mid and gay FR," he explained. "But if I get crashed out on some White Claw and in my feelings, maybe maybe I'll listen in my AirPods so nobody thinks I'm lame."

Walker, a 23 year old sophomore at Arkansas State Mid-South Community College, says he mostly listens to artists like old Post Malone, Lil Baby, Don Toliver, Lefty Gunplay, and Gelo, but claims "country is my heart and soul no cap." He went on to name Bailey Zimmerman, Alan Strait, classic Florida-Georgia Line, and Tim Degraw as some of the country performers he enjoys.

"Country ain't really the vibe unless some hoes pull through," laughed Mr. Dylan. "But Wallen is the GOAT; hope his next joint bring that fire like "Cowgirls."

At press time, Walker Dylan was getting a ticket for cutting through the Dairy Queen parking lot because he was late for College Algebra.




I realize half this slang isn't current; I'm just trying to annoy people, as usual

Dec 20, 2024

Jelly Roll to Record Duet With You

Pop-country superstar Jelly Roll has announced that his next studio recording will be a duet with you.

He plans to show up at your house around 7ish this evening to begin workshopping the project. Singing lessons will be unnecessary as Mr. Roll believes you have a “hip everyman/woman vibe" that will translate well to his 376th song in the last 2 years.

The song will be a rock-fueled soul-country song written by 32 of Nashville’s top songwriters. It will be released as a one-off single, but if it gains traction, he may put it on a deluxe edition of an upcoming album.

You and Jelly will perform the song together at one of his 76 upcoming appearances on either a bowl game, morning show, awards show, parade, or late night show. You may even be brought out to duet the tune at a few concerts in the next few months.

You will join a celebrated throng of artists who have shared recorded media with the former hick-hop rapper, such as MGK, Brooks & Dunn, Lainey Wilson, Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, Eminem, Dustin Lynch, his tattoo artist, Jessie Murph, Tech N9ne, Post Malone, Skylar Grey, OneRepublic, Halsey, Bailee Ann, Falling in Reverse, Brantley Gilbert, Struggle Jennings, Joyner Lucas, his accountant, Upchurch, Keith Urban, Wiz Khalifa, Alexandra Kay, Ilsey, Merkules, Hollywood Undead, ERNEST, Craig Morgan, Lil Wyte, Tommy Vext, Cody Johnson, and a few thousand others.

After say, March 2025, you will resume your normal life, while Mr. Roll will return to the studio to begin work on his next album, EP, live album, and several dozen more collaborations.


Adapted from an old Country California story about Willie Nelson.

Nov 15, 2024

Fake News Classic: Country Singers Unsure How to Monetize Bin Laden's Death

Country Singers Confused About Patriotic Single Choices in Wake of Bin Laden Killing


Posted on Country California, Tuesday, May 24, 2011


Several well-known country singers have expressed a sense of befuddlement about their course of action after the recent killing of Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden.


"Normally, I'd have three or four situation-appropriate patriotic singles I could rush to radio –- and I do,

don't get me wrong –- but we get into a conundrum here based on the party affiliation of the current

President," said one noted hitmaker who wished to remain anonymous.


"I've got one in the can called 'We Got Our Man' but I mean, what if they didn't really get him? You've

heard the conspiracy theories," he continued. "And another one's called 'We Salute You,' but that might

be misconstrued as support for Obama or something, and that's career suicide in the country market."


Representatives for Darryl Worley have confessed similar issues. "Darryl needs a hit right now so he

doesn't have to go into underwear modeling -- not that there's anything wrong with that -- but he's a

country singer and he's a patriot and America needs him to wave the flag now more than ever," said an

anonymous member of Worley's management.


"We have a sequel to 'Have You Forgotten?' called 'We Remember' slated for release in late July to

capitalize on express his feelings on the ten year anniversary of 9/11, but that's two months from now...

Darryl needs something on the market to keep his name out there, and the bin Laden killing is just too

much of a mixed bag for us to formulate an approach on."


Other artists such as Aaron Tippin, Toby Keith and Lee Greenwood were also seeking outlets for their

desire to represent this occasion in song at press time, but their camps were mum on possibilities.


Montgomery Gentry, however, was going full steam ahead with its release of "America, Hell Yeah,"

which hits radio five minutes ago.


Sep 27, 2024

Local Man Arrested for Assault Over “Copperhead Road” Line Dance

Local small-engine repairman and country music fan Reginald Spears spent some time in the clink this past weekend for a peculiar reason. Spears, 49, was taken into custody without incident Saturday night at Jerry’s on the Bypass, after police say he assaulted another man for trying to start a line dance to the Steve Earle song “Copperhead Road.”

“It’s not a f***ing line dance song” said an exasperated and unapologetic Spears when we talked to him Monday by phone. “They got 400 remixes of silly 90s country songs you can do that to, partner. So take your square toe boots and jeans with designs on the butt and go boot scoot back where you came from.”


Mr. Spears has had frequent run-ins with local law enforcement over the years, and oddly enough, it has almost always had something to do with music. This includes but is not limited to the destruction of a jukebox, fighting with a cover band, and ‘unplugging’ a radio tower. Spears has served time, payed fines, and spends most of his free time on probation.


Jerry Briggs, owner of Jerry’s on the Bypass, described the scene this past weekend for us. “The cover band started playing ‘Copperhead Road’ and Reggie was over there shooting pool, keeping a sharp eye toward the dance floor.” said Briggs. “Soon as he seen this tall dude from out of town waving his girlfriend toward the floor, he put his stick down.”


Briggs said the moment the victim, identified as Bo Champlin of Hart County, put his hand on his hat and lifted a leg, Spears was in his face. “‘Nah man, we don’t do that here,’ I told him,” said Spears, giving his side of the story. “Just because you can dance to a song don’t mean you should.”


Things escalated quickly when Champlin replied with a “F—- you, Karen.” 


Police report that Spears tackled Champlin into the (non-working) cigarette machine, and then calmly went back to his pool game. The victim suffered a concussion from the impact. 


“Oh it happens about once a month, but usually the victim doesn’t have an uncle on the board of supervisors.” laughed Briggs. “We love Reg but he’s kind of a bully sometimes.”


At press time, Reginald Spears was pulling into his usual parking space at the courthouse. 


Aug 30, 2024

Concern Growing as Gap Between New Zach Bryan Music Nears 2 Months

“What if he never puts out another song?” asked a distressed Lyndi Partridge in a TikTok video on Wednesday. “I mean, he’s off social media and now this… I don’t know how to experience joy.”

Another fan, @sadassman32x4 Tweeted (Xed?): I’m about to start back drinking if Zach Bryan doesn’t put out some new music soon. And also if he does.

These sentiments seem increasingly common among fans of the Oklahoma-born superstar, as the time since his most recent release nears 2 full months. While in past years most artists would put out one album per year or two, today’s realities demand more constant contact with fans. With streaming royalties being paltry, bands and singers sometimes drop as many as 35+ songs in a year in this new era, and we don’t just mean Ryan Adams.

“I’m bored and sad and vaping more lately, but I’ve been trying out Wyatt Flores in the meantime,” said a Bryan fan we spoke with. “He’s putting out his second album of the year so he must really care about his fans.”

In past years, Zach Bryan was prone to releasing an EP not long after an LP, not long after a single, not long after a maxi-single, not long after a live album, so it’s easy to see why his fans are growing impatient.

“I’ve moved on,” said a recent Facebook comment. “As much as it hurts to say this, I’m a Jelly Roll fan now - he knows that as a 17-25 year old raised on gaming and social media dopamine blasts, I need endless stimulation so he puts out like 3 songs a week. I’ve already forgotten that Jack Bryan dude. Sucks to suck.”

At press time, Zach Bryan had probably just dropped or was about to drop an EP and make this story even more pointless.

Aug 23, 2024

New Americana Band Trying Too Hard to Appeal to Hick-Libs

In a music industry increasingly entwined with the political landscape, the latest five-member Americana band, The Brambles, is making headlines—not for their tunes, but for their strained attempts to connect with a hip ‘new’ liberal audience. Despite their clear intent to stick to their roots in storytelling and traditional melodies, the band finds itself navigating a minefield of political expectations that they seem ill-equipped to handle.

Formed just two years ago in the Florida panhandle, The Brambles consists of lead vocalist and guitarist Jake E. Thompson, rhythm guitarist Scruffy Hanks, bassist Burton Longfellow, drummer Louis Perkins, and multi-instrumentalist Barry Weed. With influences ranging from Johnny Cash to The Avetts, their sound is rich with heartfelt lyrics and a nostalgic Americana vibe. 


However, as the political discourse continues to intensify across the nation during campaign season, the band's management is pushing them to find a core fanbase. In a recent interview, Thompson candidly admitted, "We’re not really a political band. We just want to make music about whiskey and beards and square body pickup trucks. But we’re never going to be on the radio, so our manager says we need to cultivate an influential/perpetually-online audience of rural liberals who own guns and drink pour-over coffee.”


In what some might call a series of goofy missteps, the band has worn Che Guevara shirts, donned stupid looking hipster hats, and ghermed the hell out of Jason Isbell in attempts to find the good graces of “hick libs.” From awkwardly phrased tweets about social justice (“Stop the violence in the middle west!” - a tweet which was never deleted) to clumsy attempts at engaging with trending political issues (shoehorning “Walz” in to their song about waltzes), their efforts have routinely missed the mark, leaving fans scratching their heads. 


In a recent concert in Austin, Texas, the band attempted to rally the crowd with an AI written speech about climate change before launching into their upbeat single, “Hurricane Party.” The audience's response was mixed, with some cheering enthusiastically while others exchanged puzzled looks. “They’re good musicians, but I left the show very confused.” said fan Ida Contigo, “The drummer was eating Chick-fil-a while wearing a homemade “F*** Donald Trump” shirt before the show.”


Despite the backlash, The Brambles remain optimistic. “Barry’s been wearing that camo Harris/Walz cap and we put an old pomade logo on the drum kit - I think our fans are getting an idea of the demographic we covet,” Longfellow said. “Not that any of us have ever voted before or know what intersectionality is.” Despite wishing to let their music speak for itself, they continue to test styles and messages in order to find a steady flow of income. As the band continues to tour and cultivate their fanbase, it remains to be seen whether they will find a way to authentically connect with their audience or just become a Farce the Music meme. For now, their plight serves as a reminder of the challenges faced by artists trying to navigate the often contentious intersection of music and politics in today's world.


At press time, Barry was attempting to bait Kid Rock into an online argument despite owning 6 of his albums.


Aug 16, 2024

Taste of Country Rebrands as Taste of Jelly Roll

A popular country music news and lifestyle website is changing its focus and its name. Taste of Country, a Townsquare Media website, will be known as Taste of Jelly Roll starting in September. 

TOS senior editor Billy Dukes announced the rebrand in a press conference featuring the titular pop-country star. “We’re proud to move Taste of Country into a new partnership and a new era,” began Dukes. “With Jelly Roll quickly evolving from rural rapper to omnipresent megastar, and every other story on our page already being about him, we felt it only logical to make this switch.”


Dukes went on to inform the throng of journalism interns forced to cover the event that Jason DeFord (Jelly Roll’s real name) would be brought in not only to guide content about himself, but to write a daily journal for the site. “Whether he’s getting his teeth fixed, delivering a devastating choke slam on WWE, collaborating with every single artist alive, or just hanging out with his wife, Jelly brings clicks and clicks bring money so this is a no-brainer.” said Dukes. 


Mr. DeFord himself spoke glowingly of this new business and entertainment venture. “Their writers were already texting me about 15 times a day to ask what I was doing at that moment, so I figured, why not just put me on staff?” laughed Jelly Roll. DeFord’s appearance was jovial but short, as he had 17 guest vocals to record later that morning. 


Billy Dukes made sure to reassure everyone that sister website The Boot would continue to cover news about Post Malone, MGK, Morgan Wallen, and other artists who pull strong traffic to the purported country music site. “And we’ll still be bringing you the latest in franchise closure news, for whatever reason we do that.” he laughed. 


At press time, Jelly Roll was petting a dog.


Jul 26, 2024

Tragic Accident Strikes as Woman is Released from Prison

West Memphis, AR- A heart-wrenching incident unfolded yesterday when a woman was tragically killed just moments after being granted her freedom from prison. 

Eyewitnesses report a scene filled with anticipation that quickly turned to horror and sorrow as the woman, identified as 62-year-old Lindy Cole, was struck by a train while heading to meet her son. According to local authorities, Lindy was set to reunite with her son, Allan, who had arrived at the station to pick her up after years of incarceration for arson and tax fraud. 

In an unfortunate turn of events, while Allan was on his way to the station in his pickup truck, Lindy attempted to cross nearby train tracks and was hit by a southbound Canadian National. "It was pouring rain, and she probably didn't even see it," stated bystander Steven Good, who witnessed the tragic accident. "I heard the train horn but it was too late. It's like some sad a** country song; it was all that I could do to keep from crying." 

As the news broke, emotions ran high in the community, with many expressing their condolences for the family. Allan, who stumbled out of his step-side F-250 at the scene seemingly intoxicated, was devastated after learning of the loss. Friends say he had long awaited this moment, and the tragedy has left him bereft. "Dave - it's a nickname - we don't call him by his real name..." said friend Jon Pine. "He's utterly ruined and I hope we can get him to hang around town a while and maybe consider therapy."

Emergency services responded promptly, but Lindy was pronounced dead at the scene. Investigations into the incident are ongoing, with authorities looking into factors such as "it raining as hard as a cow pissing on a flat rock" (according to eyewitnesses) and crossing barriers that were "nearly useless to remain." 

At press time, funeral arrangements for Lindy Cole are pending, with family and friends devastated by the ironic and dark turn of events.


Jul 19, 2024

New Country Singer Doesn’t Even Use Trap Beats

An unnamed rising country singer has recently made waves with his unique approach to modern country music. Many are questioning the logic of his peculiar musical recipe in an age of TikTok dances and committee written songs. 

Eschewing modern bells and whistles like programmed trap beats and guest appearances by white rappers, the singer is instead leaning on what he calls "tradition." When asked if he'd even considered using auto-tune or wearing a plain t-shirt with a gold chain in his promo photos, he succinctly replies with "Hell no, and I never lie." 

Despite being written by less than 10 songwriters and having little similarity to the sounds of Thomas Rhett or Hardy, the performer's current single is nearing the mainstream country top 25, and he's beginning to garner slots on national tours. The singer, who doesn't even have face tattoos, says he has a simple philosophy about his music. 

"I perform and record country music," he stated plainly. "If that makes me an innovator on country radio, so be it." He went on to say that he would not be releasing any songs about a douchebag in bar picking up a girl and banging her in his suburban assault truck. Many wonder if this promising artist is shooting himself in the foot not pandering to the Chads and Karens of the world.

"He doesn't even attempt trendy dance moves on TikTok or use slang in his songs," said an anonymous Nashville music exec. "So I wonder just how much shelf life this 'novelty' music can have." He ended the thought with this warning: "I wish him the best but if he doesn't want to cut in a few more dozen writers on his next record, he's toast." 

At press time, the singer was practicing guitar instead of doing burpees. 


---

 (this is fictionally about Zach Top, but it can represent others playing a comparatively timeless style of country music)

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