Nov 24, 2020
Nov 20, 2020
Mainstream country radio station WPOO out of Nashua, NH played one song for an entire hour on loop this past Wednesday and no one even noticed.
Neither listeners, staff, nor the on air DJ raised a single concern about the fact that Russell Dickerson’s “Love You Like I Used To” played 13 times between 1:30 and 2:30 eastern time. The goof wasn’t caught until that night when a station scheduler, Ray Jefferson, reviewed the playlist from that afternoon.
“That song is basically a microcosm of everything we play,” explained Jefferson, “A bland dude with kind of smooth vocals, similar guitar sound, same lyrics just rearranged… you know the deal… so honestly, I don’t blame the DJ for not noticing.” He said that while he had no idea the effect the repeat might have had on over-the-air ratings, the streaming numbers actually rose during the hour.
On-air personality "Mean" Mark Edwards said he hadn’t even been reprimanded for the slip-up. “It’s the number one song in America, maybe people thought we were just celebrating that milestone.” he said. “It’s boring as hell but it fits into the sonic oatmeal of dullness we try to put forward here at POO 102. And of course no one noticed that no women were played that hour - c'est comme ça.”
“The funniest thing about it was,” laughed Edwards, “A lady called in and requested that song while it was playing.”
Nov 13, 2020
“My beard is patchy.” said a despondent Sandifer. “I can’t help my damn genetics.”
Sandifer told us that no complaints were ever made about his ability to keep the bottom steady in the band’s songs about unions, farms, William Gay novels, Donald Trump, and kudzu. His appearance and hygiene, besides the follicular challenge, were never an issue either.
“I took my monthly shower like the rest of them,” he explained. “And my clothes all came from the Salvation Army store in whatever town we’d played, along with t-shirts from bands who opened for us.” He also told us there were no issues with his politics.
He went on to say that though Farmer Union never gave him a formal reason for the release, he’s certain it’s because the “other three dudes look like they just walked out of the woods with an axe and a blue ox.” “I’ve tried everything, oils, lotions, massages, testosterone therapy… nothing worked.” said Matt. “The best I could do was a sad goatee, a busted mustache and weird patches of hair on my cheeks - I looked like a peeping Tom.”
“I thought Americana was supposed to be about substance, and not image …or marching to the beat of what other roots bands do,” said a disgusted Sandifer. “F*** those guys.”
At press time, Farmer Union was smoking weed by a dumpster in Belleville.
Nov 6, 2020
Nelly, born Cornell Iral Haynes Jr., was last on top of the charts in the early to mid 2000s, but has seen a resurgence in his career thanks to country music, and in particular Florida-Georgia Line. Their first collaboration was a remix of the smash “Cruise” which went on to become one of the biggest hits of the decade in any genre.
After than, many expected for Nelly to fade into the background and go back to doing club shows and the occasional rap album, but that has not been the case. FGL has collaborated with Nelly and brought him on several big tours long after the hype for “Cruise” died down, and it left many scratching their heads. When Nelly put out his own recent song featuring FGL, we had to do a little digging.
According to our inside source (nicknamed “Benny”) Nelly, performer of such hits as “Pimp Juice” and “Hot in Herre,” has possession of several photographs that keep Tyler Hubbard and Brian Kelley at his beck and call. He’s made such requests of them as songwriting sessions, car detailings, tour slots, and their Netflix passwords.
“They are willing to do just about anything to keep Nelly from publishing those pics,” said Benny. “I honestly don’t know what the photos are of, but it must be some seedy sh*t!” Benny also said that Nelly carries the photos with him in a Halliburton briefcase attached to his wrist with handcuffs, and is never more than 5 feet from the case.
“Not to demean him because he’s had a good career, but that briefcase keeps him in steak and lobster and Bugattis,” laughed Benny. “And he’s also just showing up at their houses at all hours of the night to just hang out… their wives aren’t crazy about it but the guys just tell them they’re working on music, but they’re just shooting pool in the treehouse.”
When asked to guess what’s in the photos, Benny ventures a few possibilities. “I doubt it’s anything sexual, those dudes never had any game until they were rich and then they got married immediately, so it’s probably pics of them at a real country concert, enjoying themselves. That would devastate Florida-Georgia Line fans!”
At press time, Nelly was taking a shower with one arm through the curtain.
Nov 3, 2020
Oct 30, 2020
Freddie Robison of Ink Media Designs in Nashville is pissed. "Who do they think they are?!" he rants. "I went to school for this sh*t. And you wonder why every other new cover uses Bleeding Cowboys font…"
The music industry's downturn in recent years has been a challenge to design firms specializing in art and marketing for the music industry, but the latest wrinkle is proving to be the most disconcerting.
"I got an email directly from a major country star a couple of weeks ago," explained Robison. "I won't say who, but it rhymes with 'rustin' chore.' Anyway, it said 'This is the artwork for my new album cover, please check to make sure it's ready for printing.'" Robison continued: "There was nothing attached so I replied and let him know. The next email had a .html file attached that wouldn't open in any software I own. I replied again and said that I'd need a high-res tiff or jpeg file. Well, I got a jpeg, but it was 100x100 pixels and 72 dpi. It went on like this for some time before I just redesigned the damn thing myself and didn't charge him."
Robison went on to say that he wasn't picking on "rustin' chore" in particular, but that this was now the rule, not the exception. More and more – their cash stretched thin from declining album sales – artists have turned to writing their own songs… and now, designing their own album and website art.
This has resulted in reduced productivity among prepress professionals and graphic artists across the Nashville area. Missing fonts, lack of bleed, RGB color, bad file types, corrupt files, low resolution photographs and other issues have been reported in multitude.
"Seriously though, how hard can you pinch a dime? My firm gets $85-100 bucks an hour for this… I don't even take home a quarter of that. It's hard to keep gas in a Maybach, I guess," pondered Robison.
Robison also told us of one flat-chested female singer who'd simply used Photoshop Elements to copy and paste Kim Kardashian's chest over her own for her inner sleeve photo. "And she used Comic Sans for her lyrics… I mean, WTF?"
Oct 23, 2020
I’ve got a lot of comments about my beard lately and thought I’d come out and address the reasons for it. It’s not because I’ve got lazy during the pandemic or nothing. I mean, I’ve relaxed a lot more but I still got them abs baby! Still gonna shake it for y’all when we get to tour again! Looking forward to seeing everybody on the road, hopefully next year! But let’s get serious for a minute. My wife (and some of you) had mentioned to me that I always have a particular expression in the photos where I ain’t smiling. To be honest, Carolyn just came out and said “You looking like you’re taking a big dump.” LOL.
So anyway, I started looking through all my promo photos in the last few years and she was right! I look like I got the beer and meat sweats and I’m struggling on the throne, LOL. I got my wife to take some pictures of me so I could try a different look, but it was no use. My face was stuck that way! I started growing this beard to help distract from it, but now people are telling me it makes me look even more like a creepy dude pinching a loaf. So I went to the doctor to see if I might have a problem. It wasn’t 5 minutes before he knew the problem. Resting Defecation Face! He says it’s a real thing! It’s where a person’s relaxed facial expression gives the impression that they are growing a tail! The focused in the distance eyes, the curled lips, the exposed teeth, the general air of distress. It’s a real condition! Carolyn calls it Resting Poop Face, LMAO.
I promise y’all I ain’t filling my skinny jeans in those pictures. It’s just natural I guess. The doctor is giving me some facial exercises to try and reshape the structure, but I may be stuck like this. Maybe it’ll catch on and be a cool new Tik Tok challenge or whatever the #lukebryanpoopfacechallenge LOL! Again, I’m seriously not dropping kids off at the pool in those photos! I’m not that old yet!
Anyway, I just thought y’all should know. Please keep me and my dookie face in your thoughts and prayers and we request privacy at this time.
Inspired by Joshua Wallace tweet.
Oct 16, 2020
Two weekends ago, Morgan Wallen spent his Saturday drinking and canoodling with sorority girls at the University of Alabama. One weekend ago, Wallen was supposed to make his Saturday Night Live debut, but that didn’t happen. Due to its COVID policies, SNL was forced to replace Wallen with singer/songwriter/guitarist Jack White, and fans of the mulleted pop-country singer are not pleased.
“It don’t exist… Covid don’t exist!” said Laura Hagar of South Carolina, “It’s a liberal hoax to make sure Sleepy Joe wins the election. And now it’s hurt my baby, Morgan!” Hagar has seen over 20 Wallen concerts and even has his autograph tattooed across her C-section scar. “And I seen people on Facebook talking down on him cause he was kissing them girls even though he’s got a new baby. B**ch, life don’t end just cause you daddy. Anyway, I will never watch MBC again. (sic)”
Larry Keel, another Wallen fan, is taking a similar approach. “I’m boycotting Saturday Night Live, starting 22 years ago because that’s when I was born, and I’ve never watched it,” he said. “And I’m not gone start now - they coulda brought him out there in a HAZMAT suit… it’s bullsh**.”
The Morgan Wallen Nation, a fan page on Facebook, has declared that it will boycott NBC, SNL, and all of Saturday Night Live’s sponsors, including Bud Light and Apple. “Axe Body Spray is going to be a tough one, but I’m sure there are options out there to keep us smelling like if tribal tattoos were an odor.” read one post.
“Who the hell is Jake White?” asked one fan on Twitter. “I watched him for 10 seconds and he was to ugly for me too look at. Give me my sexy country boy SNL!!!”
Wallen, for his part, has apologized for his behavior and for ruining his opportunity. “I think I have some growing up to do.” said the singer.
At press time, a subset of his fans have taken exception to his contriteness, calling him a “soy boy” and a “cuck” and vowing to throw their support to Luke Combs.
Oct 9, 2020
“She’s always talking about her toenail fungus.” said Jerry Lucas, a fan of Torrance since 2008. “It’s really disgusting and I’d rather hear her misguided opinions about the border wall than foot hygiene.”
Another concert-goer told us Alessa was obsessing about a mole on her back during the show he attended. “She even stopped mid-song one time to pull her shirt up and show it to an RN in the audience.” said Bill Phillips of Des Moines, “She was convinced it was skin cancer, but I just wanted her to entertain me.”
Many country and Americana singers are met with disapproval for sharing their thoughts on Donald Trump, Joe Biden, Covid-19, the economy, and other topics in these divided times. Artists such as Tyler Childers and Chris Stapleton have faced backlash for their songs and comments regarding racial tensions. Perhaps Ms. Torrance is the proper focus of this ire.
“My snot is green… is that normal????” read a concerned tweet from Torrance this past Tuesday. She has also had recent rants and worry sessions about: periods, migraines, pimples, a bout of diarrhea, ingrown hairs, toilet paper, scabs, nausea, and many other personal matters.
“I’d rather have her call me an inbred idiot for supporting Trump than listen to her talk about ear wax on stage.” said Marcy Peterson of Tallahassee, “Her hypochondria is very tiresome; she may need some counseling.”
At press time, Torrance was considering Instagramming a rash to see if anybody thought it was scabies.
Oct 2, 2020
Sep 18, 2020
"Officially, we believe he left without telling anyone goodbye or answering calls or messages since last weekend," said an anonymous member of Kane's crew. "But if you ask me, his ass is lost again. And if he is, he is truly the Tom Brady of getting your ass lost, because the only dark halls or tunnels there are like for underground utilities."
Brown received national attention last month as he revealed that he had recently been lost on his own 30 acre property. That incident led to he and his wife having to call the police to help locate them. The debacle birthed many memes and jokes at Brown's expense. Whether he's truly missing or not this time is still unknown.
"I think it's a Spinal Tap moment in reverse," said another anonymous member of Brown's staff. "He left stage and has been just forever walking through the tunnels and catacombs of the building saying 'Hello Nashville' to himself or something. I hope he's okay."
Brown's performance of "Worldwide Beautiful" Wednesday night was pre-recorded earlier in the week due to the constraints and restrictions of the COVID pandemic.
At press time, Opry janitors reported hearing strange bellowing sounds "like someone singing through a fart" in the bowels of the facility.
Sep 11, 2020
Sep 4, 2020
Sep 2, 2020
Aug 28, 2020