Showing posts with label Fake News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fake News. Show all posts

Apr 3, 2020

Police Using Hick-Hop Songs to Disperse Crowds During Pandemic

Police departments nationally reported on Friday that they were using unusual methods to enforce lockdowns and “safer at home” measures during the Coronavirus pandemic. An attempt to avoid harsher crowd control options has led many forces to use speaker trucks to blast music that most people find repugnant - in this case, hick-hop, or country rap, seems to be having the best results.

In Ft. Worth, TX Wednesday, local authorities were alerted to a small block party in a suburban neighborhood. Rather than issue citations or fines, they simply rolled a police van into the vicinity blasting “Outback (Extended Remix)” by the hick-hop group Redneck Souljers. “They lit out of there like their butts were on fire” laughed Deputy Lewis Marks. “I don’t blame them - I felt physically ill listening to it myself.”

A birthday party in Van Nuys, CA fell victim to Colt Ford’s “No Trash in My Trailer.” Carl Jenkins, who had attended the party, told us by Skype that he was injured during the melĂ©e as the party broke up. “I may sue their asses - I didn’t trip or fall or anything, but I was mentally injured by that music; I’ve got pain and suffering and PTSD now. I might rather have the Rona.” he grimaced.

An outdoor bat mitzvah in Salem, OR ended in similar fashion. “I hate to do it, but this is for safety and health of the public at large” said officer Lindsay Scanlan, turning on Upchurch’s “My Neck of the Woods” at ear-shattering volume. Audible screams and weeping were heard as the 24 people at the mitzvah scattered like ants. 

Similar stories have come in from across the country, but at press time, law enforcement agencies in the Carolinas reported that hick-hop was ineffective in clearing large gatherings and were exploring using flash bombs, rubber bullets, and tear gas.

Mar 20, 2020

“Country” Singer Not Adjusting Well to Social Distancing in the Country

As nearly all performers are during the coronavirus outbreak, a popular country singer is spending time away from the adoring crowds. Currently holed up at his rural estate which he normally only visits on rare tour breaks, he’s having a difficult time adjusting to the rigors of country living, despite singing about them in most of his songs. We’ll call the singer Chad Bryant for anonymity’s sake.

“It’s great that I finally get to hang out with my wife for more than a day - she seems really nice.” said Bryant, “But everything on the property is torn up, running out, or squeaking, and my staff is self-isolating at their homes, and I don't even know how to use a pork wrench. [sic]” 

Bryant was unable to repair the fence that encloses his three horses, despite singing of fixing fences in two of his hit songs. “I just stacked up a pile of firewood beside where those slats are broken, so Pennywhistle, Drake, and Rainbow Dash can’t get out.” he explained. 

“And the garden looks like crap, but I’m trying,” said Bryant, standing over a dusty mess of vines and swirling flies holding a handful of Miracle Gro spikes. Despite once singing “if the world falls down, I’ve got this patch of ground, with a garden and deer in the fields,” Chad isn’t even sure which growing thingies are weeds and which are green beans. And while it’s not deer season, Bryant said he’ll have a hell of a time without his usual hunting guide and penned up whitetails if this thing lasts very long. 

“At least I’ve got a home gym to keep these abs ripped and this butt tight,” smiled Bryant. “I’m gonna look good for the whole lock-down.” Bryant has no hit songs about doing hack squats.

At press time, Bryant said he was eating a Quest bar and watching a YouTube video trying to figure out how to start his mower, but that “the internet service is spotty out here in the boonies.”

Mar 13, 2020

Fake News Classic: Former Taylor Swift Fans Seek New Bandwagon

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California April 22, 2010 
After Taylor Swift was shut out at last Sunday's ACM Awards, some of her fans began to have second thoughts about their love of the young singing/songwriting phenom. 

"She's totally changed," said 14-year-old Madison Ramey, up past her usual bedtime at her friend's ACM party. "I mean, she even sang a song called 'Change.' You know what I mean?" 

Party host Lindsay Carmichael echoed the sentiment. "She's just not as cool now that she lost, I mean, now that she uh, just isn't as cool... you know..." Lindsay trailed off. 

Along with partygoers/former Taylor lovers Lani and Lesha, the girls have now formed a committee to research what up-and-coming singer most effectively speaks to the wants and needs of tween girls. Factoring into their decision will be the following criteria: lyrical relevance to the middle school/ninth grade experience, catchiness of songs, attractiveness of the singer, fashion sense of the singer, upward mobility of the artist's popularity and the "iPod" factor. "You know, which singer would you be least embarrassed to answer with when someone asks who you're rocking in the Skullcandies today," explained Lindsay, as she removed a playlist entitled "Tay Tay" from her iTunes and re-synced her iPod. 

Some of the artists the girls were considering were Lady Gaga, Ke$ha and Miranda Lambert. "They're all kinda old, but their popularity is rising so that means they're still making good music unlike somebody we used to like," sniped Lani. 

Wearing turned-inside-out "Fearless Tour" t-shirts, the girls sang a rousing chorus of "Blah Blah Blah" before the night's festivities came to an end when parents began arriving to pick up their daughters. 

Mar 6, 2020

No Witnesses in Assault of 2 Men Who Were Talking the Whole Damn Concert

Two Signal Mountain, TN men were brutally beaten inside a music venue in Chattanooga Wednesday night. Charles Banks, 23, and Kyle Chark, 20, were treated at the scene at The Signal after a Whitey Morgan concert around 11:15 pm. Police are investigating the incident, but despite there being 700 or more in attendance, no witnesses have come forward.

“Oh, those guys who were talking the whole damn concert?” asked Mandy Ranier, a Morgan fan. “I didn’t see anything, but honestly I don’t feel bad for them.” She described how the two kept a conversation about Tennessee Volunteers football going for the duration of the concert, never lowering their volume even during the quieter songs. “It was a pretty rowdy show, I bruised my knuckles on both hands really bad, but again, I have no idea what happened to those guys.”

Headliner Morgan had to stop the show three times to ask the two to keep it down or move to the bar area. “I get it.” said Morgan, “You haven’t seen your buddy all week and wanna chat… but have some respect for the people who are there for the music; there are plenty of other drinking establishments.” Morgan, who was also nursing a wound on his right hand, said that he never saw a fight take place. 

Banks and Chark sustained bruises, cuts, torn clothing, and mild concussions in the fray. The two told police that during the concert’s encore (they think it was the encore - they weren’t really paying attention), between 15-700 members of the audience began punching, kicking, slapping, and pushing them. Banks even alleges that Whitey Morgan himself dove off the stage and landed a superman punch, but no one else has corroborated that claim.

Despite the fracas taking place directly in front of the stage (according to the pair), there was no report of a disturbance and the police were only called when Chark awoke in the alley out back and called them himself.

Morgan takes his show to the Lewis & Clark Brewing Co. in Helena, MT tonight, where he is fairly certain there will be no rude people in attendance.

Feb 28, 2020

ACMs Snubbed Jones, Cash, Ray Price, Says Man Who Apparently Time Traveled from the 70s

Larry Jack Pullen of West Memphis, Arkansas, who may be in possession of a device that can transport humans through time, is very upset with the Academy of Country Music awards nominations that were announced yesterday. He took to Facebook to announce his displeasure, saying “No George Jones, Johnny Cash or Ray Price. They are getting awards for ruining Country Music.” The comment was in response to a Facebook post that listed the likes of Thomas Rhett and Luke Combs as 2020 nominees.

When reached by Messenger for comment (I didn't tell him the artists he listed were no longer alive because I assumed he knew), Pullen went on a long rant about the fabric of America, smart phones, and something about “the Chinamen,” before finally getting back around to country music. 

“Riley Green, who’s she? If Johnny Paycheck isn’t up for best male artist, then what the hell is even going on? Nobody respects are elders any more and that’s why Jimmy Carter got elected.”

I asked Larry Jack if he could share the secret of time travel with me, but he said I must be on the reefer to ask something like that. “Your one of them what’s trying to make country music liberal and gay, aren’t you?” he asked. “IF YOU PEOPLE BY GOD RUIN WHAT GLEN CAMPBELL AND CONWAY TWITTY WORK EVERY DAY TO KEEP STRONG I WILL FIND WHERE YOU LIVE and you will regret it!” 

I tried to calm the conversation, but it was no use. “It’s a g***amn shame what their doing.” said Pullen, “I bet Tammy Wynette won’t even be preforming on the show, will she?” When I let him know that Wynette had sadly passed on, he told me to send condolences to her family and let him know where to send flowers. 

*this is based on a real Facebook comment (just the first one) - only the name was changed*

Feb 21, 2020

Jason Aldean Unsure Which Jason Aldean Song He Is Currently Performing

Midway through yet another mid-tempo rocker about partying in some country-approved locale, country star Jason Aldean reported Thursday that he is entirely unsure which song he is currently performing before a large crowd at the Charleston Coliseum. "It has a lot of rocking riffs, slamming drums, and the crowd is singing along, but I don't know what song this is," said Aldean, who added that he is confused because every song he performs is just a slightly different version of the last song.

Aldean lets the crowd take over for a few lines so maybe he'll find his spot, but to no avail. "I hear them singing 'fire in a field' and 'feet on the dashboard' but the last song had a 'fire by a truck' and 'feet in a pasture' so it's not helping any," he complained, "I'll just walk around and gesture at people in the crowd while I pretend to play my acoustic guitar for a minute."

By the time the ripping guitar solo takes center stage, Aldean is fairly sure he's figured out which Jason Aldean song he is presently supposed to be singing. "It's got to be 'My Kinda Party'... or 'Set It Off'... or 'Kick the Dust Up'... no wait that's a Luke Bryan song," fretted Aldean.

Aldean frantically searches the stage for a set list as the guitarist finishes up a slightly adjusted version of the solo from the previous song. Unable to find the schedule, Aldean just sings the lyrics from the second verse of "Just Gettin' Started" and no one even knows if it's correct or not, but it fits, and the crowd is drunk and doesn't really give a shit.

Inspired/Stolen from this Onion article.

Feb 14, 2020

Tim McGraw Hospitalized After Ingesting a Carb

Tim McGraw suffered a medical scare this week that has him currently recovering at Centennial Hospital in Nashville. The country star was transported by ambulance to the facility Tuesday morning, complaining of dizziness, a distended abdomen, headache, and lethargy. 

After a thorough examination, doctors determined that McGraw was suffering from a heretofore unknown condition called “carb shock.” Dr. Herbert O’Neill explained: “When a digestive system that has not been in contact with carbohydrates in a great deal of time is exposed to them, you get what Tim experienced - shortness of breath, pain, puffiness, and more. Mr. McGraw nearly lapsed into a coma but we were able to stabilize him with a protein drip.”

McGraw’s wife, country singer Faith Hill, believes the consumption of the carb was an accident. “I’m not certain, but I think a single piece of one of the kids’ Cap'n Crunch somehow fell from their bowl into Tim’s kale and meatless crumbles omelette,” said a shaken Hill. “He took a bite and immediately looked up at me with a wild, terrified look in his eyes.”

The “Live Like You Were Dying” singer, long known for his strict fitness regime and healthful eating habits, began exhibiting symptoms of carb shock within minutes. EMTs performed a stomach pump at the scene, but the carb had already done its damage. 

“Thankfully we got him in here quickly enough to avoid any lasting damage to his health or his ridiculously ripped physique.” Said O’Neill. Doctors expect a full recovery and release by this weekend but caution McGraw not to even so much as glance at a biscuit.

Feb 7, 2020

Alan Jackson to Release Protest Album

Country legend Alan Jackson takes his time putting out new music these days, but he’s gearing up for a surprising new release. Due May 8th, Things That Bother Me, produced by Keith Stegall, will be a departure for the long, tall singer - a protest album - and we talked with him about this unique venture.

“The Long and Short of It,” the album’s opener tackles an issue near and dear to Jackson’s heart. “You don’t know how hard it is to find 38.5 inseam jeans without having to go on the computer,” frowned Jackson, “So this song’s about that.” The tune documents and dismisses the continued discrimination of the men’s clothing industry against men with very long legs. The anger in his voice is palpable as he sings: “I looked in the Target big & tall, but 36 is all they had.”

Jackson is twice as passionate on “As God Intended,” a gospel-tinged anthem about the proliferation of craft beers. “Why can’t people just enjoy a good Bud heavy like a normal American?” he puzzled, “They got IPAs, double IPAs, triplebocks, sours, and coffee stouts out the wazzoo. Makes it hard for me to just grab my sixer and go with all the granola boys hanging over the coolers looking at their phone apps for a beer rating or something.”

While never breeching the subjects of politics or social justice, Alan does get into a controversial subject on the album’s final cut, “Sissy Basketball.” While he only played church league ball as a younger man, Jackson still laments the evolution of the NBA from the grinding defensive struggles of the 80s and 90s to today’s high-scoring finesse game. “I miss the days of Bill Laimbeer and Charles Oakley literally assaulting somebody who thought they’d get an easy layup,” he laughed, “So this song’s about that.” 

When asked if he thinks the confrontational tone of the album will turn off long time fans, Mr. Jackson simply stated “I don’t reckon.”

Track listing for Things That Bother Me:
1. The Long and Short of It
2. Beyonce Didn’t Invent Country Music
3. Electric Cars
4. As God Intended
5. Paywalls
6. No Legroom
7. Things That Bother Me
8. I Don’t Love That About You
9. Zipper Merge
10. Sissy Basketball

Jan 24, 2020

Not All Brantley Gilbert Fans Are Criminals, Says Inmate Nat Barksdale

Hancock State Prison inmate Nat Barksdale wants you to know that not all Brantley Gilbert fans are criminals. He took time out of his busy staring at the wall routine to write us a letter to that effect.

Barksdale, who in 2012 was the first Brantley Gilbert fan ever to graduate from high school, is currently serving 7 years in the Sparta, GA correctional facility for B&E and possession with intent to distribute. He expects early release in 2022 thanks to his uncle who knows some people.

In Nat’s letter, he wanted to stress that almost half of the people he knows who are fans of Gilbert’s music have never even gotten felonies. On the contrary, many of them, while not really upstanding citizens, are gainfully employed and charitable individuals. He cited his friend Clarence, who despite a warrant or two, runs a profitable automobile ‘reclamation’ business in Smyrna. Clarence raises dogs for ‘sporting events’ and even gives freely of his ‘medical supplies’ when people are in need. Impressive. 

We’ll let Nat’s letter speak for itself now:
“Look, I know your joking and everything and I even laugh sometimes when I get internet time in the library, but I think your way off base. I’ve already told you about Clarence and Walt White, but their’s one that’s a real success story. That’s my ex Jeanette (Cosby). She graduated last year while raising are daughter and has got her own hair salon down on the bypass. We never did get married and she broke up with me once the charges stuck, but I’m still real proud of her. Anyway, please tell you’re readers that at least a third of BG Nation is pretty good people.”

When reached for comment, Cosby told us she didn’t listen to Brantley Gilbert anymore and was more into EDM.

Jan 17, 2020

Country Festival Adds 20 Women …to Post Show Cleanup Crew

Boots and Bros, an upcoming country music festival in West Memphis, TN has taken it on the chin on Twitter due to its male-heavy lineup. Of 32 artists performing, only 2 are women, and one of those is in a male-female duo. Berk Cordero, director of the event promoter BroCore Media, said the negative social media response to the festival’s lineup has led the event to agree to add 20 women to the post-show cleanup crew.

“We want to provide opportunities for women to be a part of this great event.” smiled Cordero, “In addition to the usual contract workers we’ll have in to pick up trash, we’ll have our own all-female cleaning crew!” He went on to praise his company’s willingness to listen to criticism and to give equal opportunities to people who might not normally be a part of such an event. 

Work hours will run from 11 PM to 3 AM Friday-Sunday with a smaller crew brought in for prep each morning. Duties listed on BroCore’s Glassdoor job advertisement include: collection and transportation of trash, stage breakdown, vomit removal, packing and storing of materials, portapotty draining, portapotty hosing, portapotty loading, and other activities. Applications can be picked up at the dog track during normal hours of operation.

All the women employed on the evenings will be provided with a pink and black “Event Staff” t-shirt, temporary usage of safety flashers and a flashlight, and $7.25 an hour. “They can keep the shirt too!” beamed Cordero. “And while we ask that they turn in any valuables they recover, well, you know…things happen. Consider it a little bonus. And some will even be able to begin their work while the headliner is still on stage. Working under the stars in the spring air while Sam Hunt talk sings. What could be better than that?”

When asked if the committee would be considering adding any more women to the actual lineup of performers, Cordero responded: “LOL” (spoken aloud).

Jan 10, 2020

Americana Singer Dismayed to Find Out He Has a Conservative Fan

Smith Winston lead singer Chance Lipton
Americana singer Chance Lipton, lead vocalist for Smith Winston, is a proud member of the resistance. In fact, his Twitter bio openly states it, reading: “Rise and fight! If you’re a conservative, I don’t value your opinion. Lead singer of Smith Winston. He/Him.”

The reedy 26-year-old tenor has his band on the upswing, with their second album, Drumbeat of Solidarity, due in April, but a recent revelation has him rethinking his career path. “I thought I’d blocked all the mentally deficient baby cagers, but I recently received a Twitter DM that troubled me to the core.” related Lipton. “I’m literally shaking right now.”

Lipton provided us with a screenshot of the upsetting direct message, which reads as follows:
Hey Chance! I’m a big fan of Smith Winston. I’ve kept up with you guys since that EP in 2014. Saw you twice in concert. Anyway, just wanted you to know that you do have some conservative fans out here, despite your bio. I mean, I’m not crazy about Trump, but I’m certainly to the right of you and that’s cool with me. Your music is great and I can separate my beliefs from my enjoyment of art and have an open mind to your message. Take care and keep up the good work!

“My foundations were shaken by this message,” said Lipton. “How could someone who doesn’t have the same level of compassion for the world like my music? I blocked him of course.” 

Chance continued his stream of consciousness self-debate: “Have I written too many basic love songs that even one without the capacity for love could sympathize with? Am I using too little word salad? Do I need to convey more revulsion for the intolerant? Maybe I should just quit if someone with such low intellect and poor opinions has the opinion that my music is something he identifies with.”

Lipton has asked for a short leave of absence from Smith Winston while he works through his issues.

Jan 3, 2020

Fake News Classic: The Story Behind Luke Bryan's "Kick the Dust Up"

Story Behind the Song: Luke Bryan's "Kick the Dust Up"
by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, May 26, 2015 

Luke Bryan released his next #1 smash single, "Kick the Dust Up," last week and we at Country California were very curious about the story behind this complex and original work of art. Luckily, we were able to speak with all three writers of the song as they took a break from a grueling half-hour writing session this morning. 

"It's a funny story," starts Chris DeStefano. "Dallas showed up three hours late with a bottle of Southern Comfort Caramel in one hand and his iPad in the other and said 'Let's write, bitches!'" 

Ashley Gorley apparently had a vague idea for the song going in. "Once we got Dallas seated and focused on hydrating himself a little, I told the guys what I had in mind," explains Gorley. "I said 'You know how everybody hates this bro country stuff, whatever that is? Well, how subversive and against the grain would it be to go the full bro?'" 

"I like money," Davidson reportedly replied, mopping spilled Dasani off the neck of his guitar. 

"Yeah man, let's just stick it in their faces," laughed DeStefano. 

Things went fairly smoothly as the trio settled on a theme (partying outside a small town) and started an outline of the song, but some tension arose as they pondered a direction for the second verse. "I know, I know... you know how city boys suck at being manly and partying and shit?" slurred Davidson.  "No, tell us, hillbilly," shot back DeStefano.  "I mean, no offense or nothing, but city boys... y'all ain't shit," said Davidson. "So let's just make the second verse about that." 

A brief skirmish highlighted by an armbar submission placed on Davidson by DeStefano was swiftly broken up by Gorley and the session was back on track. 

Over the next nine minutes, the masters of their craft laid out chord progressions, nailed a chorus, determined how the requisite hip-hop beat would fit, and fleshed out a more subtle version of Davidson's idea for the second verse. "I think we're done," said a jubilant and creatively fulfilled Gorley. 

"Hol' on hol' on," yelled Davidson. "It needs some lil something to make it different cause I'mma be honest with y'all, I can't tell this song from that one we wrote before lunch." "A bass drop?" offered DeStefano. "Should we get 'Yeti Cooler' in there somehow?" asked Gorley.

Gorley came up with an interesting riff that seemed to fit Davidson's description, but things got sideways again when DeStefano said he liked the Middle Eastern flair. "You mean like ISIS?" Davidson screamed, punching Gorley awkwardly in the ear. "Merica, bitches." 

When the dust finally settled, Gorley and DeStefano left the riff as it was but described it to Dallas as "Israeli-sounding" and everything was cool. 

"So that's it, just another day at the office," smiles DeStefano. "We're pretty proud of it." 

At press time, despite a bit more critical backlash than usual, "Kick the Dust Up" had debuted in the top 20 on Billboard's Country Airplay chart. 

Dec 13, 2019

Santa Requests Voice Messages in Lieu of Letters from Kane Brown Fans

Kris Kringle, aka Santa Claus, usually stays out of the public eye, rarely granting interviews or making public statements. Sure, his legion of helpers is out in force this time of year, taking Christmas requests in mall courtyards and smiling with crying kids on their laps, but the man himself is busy and reclusive. Therefore, his press release this year came as quite a surprise. 

We won’t post the release, but the gist of it was Santa asking Kane Brown fans to leave a voice mail of their Christmas desires rather than send letters this year. His message was direct but polite, never giving the specific reasoning behind his request, only that “these old eyes have a little trouble reading your writing.”

However, we’ve received word from an inside source that Santa’s missive was related to the undecipherable nature of the letters he received from members of the fanbase in recent years. “They looked like they were written by cavemen,” said an anonymous North Pole worker who asked us to refer to him as Toony. “Santa was all understanding and diplomatic like some fat Mr. Rogers, but I’m just gonna say those people are stupid as hell.”

Toony sent a jpeg of one letter that started “Deer Satan” written in hunting face-paint on a paper towel. Though the rest of the note was difficult to translate, it appeared the young man wanted either the game Modern Warfare or something to do with ‘model whores.’ Either request seems just as likely.

“Last year we just gave them all non-gender specific clothing and gift cards to save time because 90% of them were just scribbles and gibberish,” said Toony. “And a surprising amount of them came from prisons, or maybe not that surprising now that I’m thinking about it.”

Toony told us the voice messaging option was going fairly well so far, mostly thanks to technology. An AI listening system has been installed to take the calls and is doing an impressive job translating the yawps and grunts of the Kane Brown fans into gift requests, but he says the letters are still a running joke at Santa’s toy shop, passed around frequently by the elves. 

“One of them was clearly written in sidewalk chalk on the inside of a Playboy magazine cover,” laughed Toony. “It was obviously smeared beyond readability, but I did make out something about ‘booty shorts’…ho ho ho indeed.”

Dec 6, 2019

No Good Country Music Released Since ’79, Says Moron

Curmudgeonly country fan Carl Outlaw says that not a single good country song or album has been released since 1979. Despite the fact that Outlaw was born in the early 90s, he feels confident in his oblivious statement. 

“There ain’t been no good country since the heyday of Merle and Willie and Coe, and you can put that in your pipe and smoke it.” said the idiot, shuffling through his playlist that managed to exclude the likes of Johnny Cash, Dwight Yoakam, and The Judds. 

According to Carl, though not specifically mentioned, Patty Loveless sucks. He also believes, based on his time limits, that Jamey Johnson, Tyler Childers, Kelsey Waldon, and Turnpike Troubadours have all released subpar music unworthy of his attention. 

When asked about Johnny Cash’s renewed output from the nineties, he says “hipster bullshit…anything that snooty college kids like, I don’t like.” “If it doesn’t have a steel guitar, fiddle, acoustic guitars, and sad lyrics about dying of cirrhosis in a flophouse, it’s not good country,” continued Outlaw. “There have been no songs that fit that description in my entire lifetime and it makes me sad for the future of America.” 

The fool thinks Chris Stapleton and Sunny Sweeney are just awful, if we go by his own misguided cutoff date. Jason Boland and the Stragglers, Jamie Lin Wilson, Dale Watson, Cody Jinks, and Miranda Lambert are terrible as well.

When asked what he thought of Luke Bell’s self-titled traditional country gem from just a couple years ago, Outlaw replied “Luke Bryan, who’s she?”

The Crud Report: Christmas 2019 Edition

Nov 27, 2019

Small Town Way Sh**tier Than Country Songs Say

Auburn sophomore Paul Reynolds, home on Thanksgiving break, came to the startling realization that his hometown is way shittier than mainstream country songs say it is. In fact, just the drive back into his southern Georgia birthplace showed that it was a poorly-maintained, slowly dying crap-hole compared to the idyllic settings portrayed on the pop-country airwaves.

The old family-owned drugstore where he used to buy candy as a kid was now a payday loan with an ice cream counter. Where there wasn’t a pawn shop or high interest-rate financial scam business, there was a Walgreens or CVS. There were approximately 32 Dollar Generals. There was one Dollar General you could see another Dollar General from. Were there any Cole Swindell verses about Dollar Generals? 

Paul drove downtown, where country songs say the square is epicenter of tiny town culture. No teenagers were cruising, but there were about 5 of them in the vape shop that used to be a fancy cigar shop. He heard no bluegrass band playing on the plaza, but there were a couple of gunshots nearby. The beloved old men’s clothing store was now a hip wedding party venue for the private school set. Never heard about that in a Brantley Gilbert song.

Wednesday night, he figured he’d hit up his old high school friends to go out. Unfortunately, his buddy Matt had some sort of Facebook drama with his baby mama and couldn’t risk having his picture taken at the bar that night. Larry wasn’t home because he was in jail for selling pills. He thought about calling Kenneth, but Kenneth had a face tattoo now. Justin Moore never sang about this shit.

Throwing one last Hail Mary in an attempt to capture that throwback vibe of an Aldean tune, Paul went out and sipped a beer on a picnic table at the lake. Many a bonfire party and make-out session had taken place here, but tonight there was only one sketchy dude asking if he wanted to buy some meth. “Kiss my ass, Dustin Lynch” Paul told the confused narcotics dealer, before driving back to his folks’ house, completely sobered up. 

Nov 20, 2019

Mainstream Country Singer You’ve Never Heard of Announces Headlining Tour

A nondescript male who sings what they call country music these days has announced his first headlining tour. The gentleman, who recently notched his first unmemorable, inoffensive #1 hit at country radio, already has a tour bus with his generally-regarded-as-handsome-self performing, wrapped around its exterior. 

Dude’s debut single “Baby, Tonight, Yeah” hit number one on Country Aircheck in July after spending nearly a full year being pimped, prodded, and politicked to that peak. Even though his second single has been lingering in the upper-40s on the charts and not a single person outside maybe 62,000 fangirls could even pick this man out of a lineup of two people, his label thinks it’s time to take the step to playing medium sized clubs and sheds. 

Fella just came off another mildly successful tour supporting Cole Russell or Chris Tenpenny or somebody like that who also hit the top spot with their introductory big hit that neither you nor I can recall a mere 6 months after it’s ascension to the position of number one song in all of America.

“I’m just thrilled to get out there and give the fans my best,” beamed Mr. Bro-man. “We’ll play my entire EP and way too many covers and I think it’ll be a great time!” The guy’s management is busy getting all the merch ready - from throw pillows to boy shorts to beer koozies that will be sold in a yard sale next year - and they foresee big business. 

“This performer is coming off a hard-lobbied smash and it’s time to strike while at least the population of a small city knows who he is; we all know he may be playing state fairs in no time, so why not squeeze every dollar we can get out of this tall, handsome product?” laughed Jacob Dillerson, the singer’s publicist.

At press time, homeboy’s second single “Girl, My Truck Awaits” had just leapfrogged three well-written, interesting songs from women to climb into the top 40.


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