Showing posts with label Fake News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fake News. Show all posts

Dec 6, 2019

No Good Country Music Released Since ’79, Says Moron


Curmudgeonly country fan Carl Outlaw says that not a single good country song or album has been released since 1979. Despite the fact that Outlaw was born in the early 90s, he feels confident in his oblivious statement. 

“There ain’t been no good country since the heyday of Merle and Willie and Coe, and you can put that in your pipe and smoke it.” said the idiot, shuffling through his playlist that managed to exclude the likes of Johnny Cash, Dwight Yoakam, and The Judds. 

According to Carl, though not specifically mentioned, Patty Loveless sucks. He also believes, based on his time limits, that Jamey Johnson, Tyler Childers, Kelsey Waldon, and Turnpike Troubadours have all released subpar music unworthy of his attention. 

When asked about Johnny Cash’s renewed output from the nineties, he says “hipster bullshit…anything that snooty college kids like, I don’t like.” “If it doesn’t have a steel guitar, fiddle, acoustic guitars, and sad lyrics about dying of cirrhosis in a flophouse, it’s not good country,” continued Outlaw. “There have been no songs that fit that description in my entire lifetime and it makes me sad for the future of America.” 

The fool thinks Chris Stapleton and Sunny Sweeney are just awful, if we go by his own misguided cutoff date. Jason Boland and the Stragglers, Jamie Lin Wilson, Dale Watson, Cody Jinks, and Miranda Lambert are terrible as well.

When asked what he thought of Luke Bell’s self-titled traditional country gem from just a couple years ago, Outlaw replied “Luke Bryan, who’s she?”


The Crud Report: Christmas 2019 Edition


Nov 27, 2019

Small Town Way Sh**tier Than Country Songs Say


Auburn sophomore Paul Reynolds, home on Thanksgiving break, came to the startling realization that his hometown is way shittier than mainstream country songs say it is. In fact, just the drive back into his southern Georgia birthplace showed that it was a poorly-maintained, slowly dying crap-hole compared to the idyllic settings portrayed on the pop-country airwaves.

The old family-owned drugstore where he used to buy candy as a kid was now a payday loan with an ice cream counter. Where there wasn’t a pawn shop or high interest-rate financial scam business, there was a Walgreens or CVS. There were approximately 32 Dollar Generals. There was one Dollar General you could see another Dollar General from. Were there any Cole Swindell verses about Dollar Generals? 

Paul drove downtown, where country songs say the square is epicenter of tiny town culture. No teenagers were cruising, but there were about 5 of them in the vape shop that used to be a fancy cigar shop. He heard no bluegrass band playing on the plaza, but there were a couple of gunshots nearby. The beloved old men’s clothing store was now a hip wedding party venue for the private school set. Never heard about that in a Brantley Gilbert song.

Wednesday night, he figured he’d hit up his old high school friends to go out. Unfortunately, his buddy Matt had some sort of Facebook drama with his baby mama and couldn’t risk having his picture taken at the bar that night. Larry wasn’t home because he was in jail for selling pills. He thought about calling Kenneth, but Kenneth had a face tattoo now. Justin Moore never sang about this shit.

Throwing one last Hail Mary in an attempt to capture that throwback vibe of an Aldean tune, Paul went out and sipped a beer on a picnic table at the lake. Many a bonfire party and make-out session had taken place here, but tonight there was only one sketchy dude asking if he wanted to buy some meth. “Kiss my ass, Dustin Lynch” Paul told the confused narcotics dealer, before driving back to his folks’ house, completely sobered up. 

Nov 20, 2019

Mainstream Country Singer You’ve Never Heard of Announces Headlining Tour


A nondescript male who sings what they call country music these days has announced his first headlining tour. The gentleman, who recently notched his first unmemorable, inoffensive #1 hit at country radio, already has a tour bus with his generally-regarded-as-handsome-self performing, wrapped around its exterior. 

Dude’s debut single “Baby, Tonight, Yeah” hit number one on Country Aircheck in July after spending nearly a full year being pimped, prodded, and politicked to that peak. Even though his second single has been lingering in the upper-40s on the charts and not a single person outside maybe 62,000 fangirls could even pick this man out of a lineup of two people, his label thinks it’s time to take the step to playing medium sized clubs and sheds. 

Fella just came off another mildly successful tour supporting Cole Russell or Chris Tenpenny or somebody like that who also hit the top spot with their introductory big hit that neither you nor I can recall a mere 6 months after it’s ascension to the position of number one song in all of America.

“I’m just thrilled to get out there and give the fans my best,” beamed Mr. Bro-man. “We’ll play my entire EP and way too many covers and I think it’ll be a great time!” The guy’s management is busy getting all the merch ready - from throw pillows to boy shorts to beer koozies that will be sold in a yard sale next year - and they foresee big business. 

“This performer is coming off a hard-lobbied smash and it’s time to strike while at least the population of a small city knows who he is; we all know he may be playing state fairs in no time, so why not squeeze every dollar we can get out of this tall, handsome product?” laughed Jacob Dillerson, the singer’s publicist.

At press time, homeboy’s second single “Girl, My Truck Awaits” had just leapfrogged three well-written, interesting songs from women to climb into the top 40.


Nov 8, 2019

John Rich to Headline Christmas Tree Lighting at John Rich’s House


by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, December 02, 2010 
John Rich, of Big & Rich and songwriting and solo fame, is slated to perform at and do the flip-switching honors for the Mt. Richmore Christmas Tree Lighting. The December 5th ceremony will commence with a mini-concert from Cowboy Troy, Gretchen Wilson and Kid Rock w/ Sebastian Bach. 

After igniting the resplendent purple and white LED beacons on the 20-foot Vermont balsam fir in the Mt. Richmore courtyard, superstar country singer John Rich will take the stage for a one-hour set of classic and contemporary country hits. 

Food will be available for purchase in the right atrium of the courtyard, with special guest cook Cowboy Troy grilling steaks and lobsters for guests' enjoyment. And, of course, there will be several outlets for attendees to "get their drank on." In addition to a main bar in the left atrium of the courtyard, there will also be a mini bar at the food concession and three rolling liquor carts to serve guests as they enjoy the holiday festivities. For VIP guests, there will also be drinks available in the elevator and bathrooms. 

"It's a huge honor to be at the head of the table, so to speak, for this great Christmas celebration!" beamed Rich at the press conference announcing the lighting. "Hopefully this will be an annual event... and I'd be happy to help out when I can, since it's for such a good cause." 

All profits from the concert will go to the Middle Tennessee RJRB (Replenish John Rich's Bar) Foundation and guests will receive an autographed 8x10 glossy of the country megastar wearing a Santa suit. Tickets will not be available for purchase, but Rich himself will visit local high school and community college campuses to hand out entry vouchers to "talented" students and co-eds. 

Wrapping up the press conference with a sales pitch, Rich smiled: "Come on out and celebrate Christ's holy birth, girls… uh, folks. Johnny Cash would be there if he was still alive." 

Nov 1, 2019

Cajon Player Left in Cape Girardeau


Americana cajon player Jeff Coffee is stranded in Missouri. Formerly (?) with the band Beard Harvest, Coffee was left behind at a rest stop after a show in Cape Girardeau 8 months ago, and to date has not heard from a single member of the band.

From the moment the band’s Econoline pulled away from the Fruitland southbound rest stop on February 25th, Coffee was completely abandoned. “I don’t have any of those guys’ phone numbers,” he frowned. “Not even the bass player…. So I couldn’t call anybody to come back and get me; I just assumed they’d notice by the time they hit the Arkansas line at least.” 

Sadly, the up-and-coming roots rock group’s van never returned. Jeff, for his part, has moved on with his life, starting from scratch in the small river town. “I slept behind the Coke machines that night; damn it was cold,” he related. “But by the end of the next day I already had a job at the quick stop and a cot behind the beer cave.” 

Coffee has since put his college degree in education to use, getting a job as a music teacher at the middle school, and is even dating. “I know - it’s a bizarre story - one of the key members of a rising band just left in the middle of nowhere and starts a brand new life.” he smiled. When asked if he’s kept up with Beard Harvest in recent months, he just shakes his head solemnly. “I really don’t know how they’ve made it without me, I hope they’re doing well.”

When contacted on their brand new tour bus before the first night of their 3 sold out Ryman performances, Beard Harvest lead singer Conn Whitaker asked “Who?” regarding the cast-off percussionist.  “I didn’t know we had a full time cajon player; we’ve just been getting a random fan to play at shows - it’s not like it’s hard.”


Oct 25, 2019

Thomas Rhett to Dress Up as Country Singer For Halloween


Pop singer Thomas Rhett is looking for a costume for a Halloween party this weekend. He’s already chosen the theme - country singer - but he’s searching for the perfect presentation, visiting thrift stores and western wear outlets across Nashville. 

“I did a Google image search for ‘country singer’ and it came back with lots of western hats and boot-cut jeans and stuff,” says Rhett. “That’s so foreign to me - it’s always enlightening to see how other cultures live!” He tries on a huge foam cowboy hat but quickly returns it to the rack. “If they had it with a flat brim maybe.”

Rhett’s day to day wardrobe usually includes hip t-shirts, fitted pants, and high-dollar sneakers while his stage presence leans more toward tropical wear, varsity jackets, and custom denim. The aesthetics of country music fashion are a world away from his typical flair, but he’s digging it. “Ha, they call this a nude suit, I believe,” laughs Thomas, holding up a rhinestone and flower covered blue jacket. “I think old country dudes like Jeb Pierce and Porter Ladner used to wear these… such swag!”

After a couple of hours, Rhett has narrowed his selections down to an all black Johnny Cash-inspired ensemble or a Hank Sr. style outfit. “Did you know Hank had a father who was also a country singer?” asks Rhett. 

Still undecided at press time, Rhett seems excited about the impact he’ll make when he steps into the party as someone so different from himself. “They won’t even recognize me.”

Oct 18, 2019

Nashville Song Plugger Swings Dead Cat, Hits Bachelorette


Nashville song plugger Larry Weathers has been charged with assault and is also being investigated for possible animal cruelty after he struck and injured bride-to-be Brayley Lynn Smith with a deceased feline on Thursday evening. 

Weathers was trying to make a point to Jenny Lindsay, a young songwriter and recent Nashville arrival, when the incident occurred. "I don't even know where he got the cat; it was just suddenly in his hand and he was twirling it," said Lindsay. "It was pretty wild." 

Smith suffered a contusion to her left elbow and lacerations about her face and hands from falling off the pedal tavern. "It was the damnedest thing," mused Smith. "I was so drunk I didn’t think it was really happening, but I think I got some fur in my mouth.” 

Weathers, who maintains that the animal was already deceased when he swung it, explained: "I was trying to illustrate to (Jenny Lindsay) the amount of competition she's up against in this town. You know… 'you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a songwriter in this town'… I assumed I'd just graze an Erik Dylan or an Ashley Gorley to show her how many great writers there are here. I didn't mean for this to happen." 

Ironically, the bachelorette has offered to drop all charges against Mr. Weathers if he can get a couple of songs Smith wrote pitched to Luke Combs.

By Trailer - Origin version posted on Country California January 17, 2009 (updated)

Oct 11, 2019

New Americana Singer Searching for Just the Right Stupid Looking Hat

Aramy Turner, an Americana singer from Jackson, TN has spent several days searching for just the right look. He and his band, The Loosies, are about to do the photo shoot for their debut album and Turner is working himself into a tizzy in his quest for “authenticity.”

“I can’t do a cowboy hat because the Texas crowd will eat me alive on social media for not wearing it with just the right crease or something,” he fretted. “And the Texas scene is definitely a market where we want to get a foothold demographically …uh, I mean, them fans is real and shucks, we just want to play ‘em good music!”

Turner tries on a porkpie hat and smiles. “That’s what I’d love to wear, because I’m a hipster from way back, but I know Farce the Music would make fun of me, not that they have quite as much clout since the bro-country era, according to our data… um, I mean, I’m just gonna go a different direction so I look more natural.” said Aramy, giving a little too much away. “And I can’t do a flat cap because I’ve never been in a hardcore band.” 

The Loosies, for their part declined the invitation to shop for headwear with their mouthpiece, settling on trucker caps and fishing hats they already owned, and the label approved. Turner knows that he’ll be a focal point in the promotion though, so he’s struggling to strike that perfect balance between fashion plate and “real hard-working salt-of-the-earth type who just happens to sing songs about loss of train culture and raising the minimum wage.”

“I can’t look like I tried too hard, even though that’s what I’m doing right now,” laughed Turner. “And I also can’t do the Luke Combs thing where it looks like he just pulled out a beer-stained hat that was stuck in some gum under his truck seat.” 

At press time, Turner was working with a haberdasher to custom design a fedora/cowboy hat hybrid that would hide his receding hairline and set off his beard just right.


Oct 4, 2019

Tool Dresses as Kenny Chesney to Attend Kenny Chesney Concert

Local tool, in his usual attire
by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California April 09, 2009 - Idea by Mr. Wilcox
Local tool and fan of "whatever the country station is playing," Morty 'Mo' Haas, dressed up as Kenny Chesney to attend Friday's Kenny Chesney concert. The idea first came to Mo after a shower, as he stared through a heavy cloud of Axe at his image in the fogged mirror and realized just how much he looked like the superstar from east Tennessee. The male pattern baldness, the insane guns, the extraordinarily average visage, the 5 foot 5 stature... it all added up. 

Two hours later, Mo and his buddy Chaz Vance stepped into the Mohegan Sun Arena dressed to kill... margaritas. Mo was clad in a sleeveless Hooters t-shirt, a rumpled cowboy hat bought at a garage sale, tattered size 36 Rustler jeans that took 10 minutes to stretch over his meaty thighs and a pair of Corona flip flops. His buddy Chaz dressed as one of Kenny's guitar players, wearing jeans and a t-shirt of some indie rock band he'd never actually heard of (R.E.M.). All the fine ladies drooled and the guys mad-dogged as they strode into the arena, Mo later reported. 

When Kenny hit the stage, singing some song about feet or Yoohoos or something, most of the fans were staring at Mo, thinking he was actually Kenny singing from the audience, reported Chaz. 

"The resemblance was disturbing" says April Curtis, who was also at the concert on Friday. "I had seats near that guy, but me and my girlfriends moved down into some empty seats because his hairy gut kept popping out from under his too-tight shirt and bumping my elbow; I nearly mouth-vomited." 

By the midway point, Chaz and Mo were so deep into the $8 margaritas that arena security officials were watching them closely. "That tool in the stretch jeans kept telling girls he actually was Kenny and that his stunt double was filling in for him tonight so he could chill with all the sexy honeys," said Rufus Long, Mohegan Sun rent-a-cop director, "and the other sleazebag was 'screening' girls for him." 

Their conduct, although pathetic, never warranted an arrest during the show, but section FF was completely devoid of females by the encore. As he and Chaz stumbled out womanless, Mo bought a $35 t-shirt as a memento of the event and promptly ripped the sleeves off. 



The Crud Report: October '19


Sep 13, 2019

Morgan Wallen Recites Pledge of Allegiance; Fans Assume He Wrote It

A viral video from a recent Morgan Wallen concert has tongues wagging and fans swooning. No, it’s not the clip of the cute little girl singing Wallen lyrics. It’s a 24 second video of the up-and-coming mullet-headed country singer reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, and the reactions have been perplexing.

On the video, Wallen appears, hand on chest before a waving flag on the back screen, saying those familiar words we all learned in grade school. His band softly plays “America the Beautiful” and the crowd is hushed as the solemn words fill the amphitheater. They erupt when he’s finished, and more than a few posted the moment to YouTube almost immediately.

In the 72 hours since its posting, the clearest of the videos has garnered 105,000 views and 150 comments. It has also spread on Facebook and Twitter over the past couple days. Many of the responders seem convinced that Wallen himself wrote the pledge, which was originally composed by Capt. George Thatcher Balch during the Civil War. 

Lucy Griffiths of Waco, TX, said on Facebook: “This man makes me so proud to be an American. How has know one every written a love poem for the flag before? (Sic)” Her post had 10k views, 250 shares, and 56 comments, all fawning over the supposed Wallen-scribed pledge. This was one of hundreds of posts, most describing Wallen as the “ultimate patriot” or “more smarter than most dudes what wears sleeveless shirts.” 



Twitter was also abuzz, featuring many tweets like the 2 above. Another, from ILucyWallen said “first he wrote the beautiful “Cover Me Up” (editor's note: actually written and recorded first by Jason Isbell) and now this!! Morgan is an artistic genius, full stop.” Patriotic party-poopers soon ratioed the Morgan Wallen fans into deleting the tweets or quitting Twitter.

At press time, Wallen’s camp had no comment on the viral video, and he was reportedly busy working a shift at his friend’s fireworks stand.


Sep 6, 2019

Garth Brooks Near Destitution

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, March 26, 2013 

Garth Brooks is nearly broke. 

The somber, emaciated (for him) 51-year-old across the table from our correspondent stood in stark contrast to the color-block shirted, barrel-chested wild man of Nashville memory as he confessed that "girls are expensive." 

Despite 200 million in album sales, years of sold out concert tours and an estimated $350 million in career earnings, the country legend is surviving on Spam and saltine crackers these days as he plots his comeback. "I know, I know... I've seen all those VH1 specials about guys like MC Hammer and thought, how the hell did they go through all that money?" admitted Brooks, pulling at a loose thread on his 2008 Old Navy America t-shirt. 

Brooks put his career on hiatus in 2001 to see his daughters through high school and into college. The costs of his divorce that year and the upbringing of three girls was a far greater financial strain than any of his fans might have imagined. "Well, Sandy got half and the girls got the other half," chuckled Garth, sipping Big K Cola from a can. "I didn't know Bratz cost so damn much." 

"I've also burned through most of Trisha's money with some bad investments," he continued, with a tear the size of a quarter building in his left eye. "The pager store franchise went under in '02... damn cell phones. And my personal brand of offensively bright shirts for big and tall men never got off the ground due to a sweat-shop scandal." 

His three-year Vegas run only put a band-aid on the problem as bills and tuition costs slowly ate away at Brooks' remaining fortune. "I've lost 60 pounds, man; all my old 'Mo' Bettas look like circus tents on me now. I'm going in for a third mortgage on the mansion." 

A potential comeback is in the cards, though the 26-year Nashville vet is not currently aligned with a record label. "Borchetta is interested in a comeback album, but he's not sure I'll fit the Big Machine mold. Hell, I guess I'd do auto-tune and sing about trucks... I need some money, pardner!" said Brooks. 

The "Friends in Low Places" superstar bid us adieu for his afternoon Starbucks shift with these off-topic words: "Everybody blames me for pop-country, but I'm Hank Sr. compared to folks these days..." 

At press time, Scott Borchetta had passed on Garth Brooks for a 19-year-old community college dropout with a five o'clock shadow and an intriguing chin scar. 


Aug 30, 2019

Hick-Hop Cruise Returns to Port Amidst Reports of Chaos and Crime

The Kinfoke Krewz, a Gulf of Mexico excursion featuring country rapper Big Smo, Twang & Round, Lenny Cooper and others, has returned to port in New Orleans amid chaos and reports of crime and illness. 243 of the estimated 703 passengers were arrested once the ship returned shore, on charges ranging from minor assault and underage drinking to kidnapping and drug manufacturing. 

The Carnival cruise ship was scheduled to have a stopover in an unspecified Mexican port on Thursday, but the company and Coast Guard officials said the trip had been cut short due to “a multitude of infractions great and small, and a general prevalence of unsanitary conditions and unhealthfulness.” 

Before the trip even got underway, several ocean-goers were stopped at the boarding gates attempting to drive their ATVs onto the ramp. The vehicles were stowed in cruise line storage and the passengers were finally allowed aboard.

“They said on the message board that we were gone have a mud bog on the party deck, so I brung my Polaris, but they wouldn’t let me on with the damn thing.” said Timmy “Swaydawg” Thomas of Cary, NC. “They best not be a scratch on it when I get back or somebody a** gettin’ stomped.”

Country rapper/reality star Big Smo
Once at sea, situations took an immediately dire turn. All 7 of the women on board (3 of those being hired bikini models) reported harassment incidents to ship security staff within the first 5 hours. Officers were unable to detain any suspects due to nearly every male aboard fitting the description of “moderate height, overweight white guy with sparse facial hair and a Confederate flag tattoo.”

There were multiple fights, 57 reports of alcohol poisoning, 78 thefts, and one abduction. One man fell from a viewing deck into a stairwell trying to catch a vape pen. Fortunately, his girthy stature prevented serious injuries. A convention room had to be turned into a makeshift brig due to overcrowding in the existing facility.

The itinerary, already on shaky ground, was finally brought to an end by several outbreaks of Norovirus, lice, and an unnamed pustulating neck rash. “The hygiene of this group was questionable, to be polite.” said ship captain Paul Childers, “Do they have showers in the Carolinas and Georgia?”

At press time, the passengers of the canceled Kinfoke Krewz were all waiting in line to get in Pat O’Brien’s.



*fake news*

Aug 28, 2019

This Guy Rants About Cody Jinks Playing the Opry

LMOA! Who! When I heard last year that my boy Dustin Lynch was joining the Grand Old Opera I was happy as hell! For all he’s done for country music, it was about damn time! He makes music that makes chicks want to ride in my truck with me and that means he a legend! 

Now comes word that somebody name Cody Jinks is playing at the opery tonight. Cody Jinks, who’s she? LOL. Now I’m not a hater but shouldn’t people that plays the hollow hall of country music be somebody me and my bros have listen to? I mean, back in the olden days, they let people play who only did sad songs played with old timey instruments like guitars and fiddles, but in more recent years, they’s let my homie Hootie join and Dustin and folks like that. Party ass music, you know what I’m sayin?

I asked all are friend’s group if they’d heard of Cody Jinks and here was the results: Chad said “Who tf is that?” (Yes he really said “tf” out loud). Brad said “Is that the guy who used to date Brelynn?” Matt said “No.” Dylan said “I don’t listen to anybody who doesn’t have DJ in front of there name.” Only Carter said he’s heard of Cody, but Carter runs a blog or something and he’s pretty weird. 

There’s a thousand country singers who deserve to be on the Opary before Cody Junks. Like Mitchell Tenpenny. That dude slaps. Diplo! F**k yeah, he’s done two or three country songs everybody I know loves. Marshmello. He did that song with Kane Brown and he’s legit. I could go on for pair of graphs, but you get the point. 

I listened to a Cody Jinks song and I couldn’t even get threw thirty seconds before I wanted to attach a garden hose to my F-150 exhaust in the garage. Why dose anyone want to hear such sad songs and songs about grown ass adult stuff? That’s so boring. Give me real country dudes singing about stuff I knows about like hooking up in bars and hooking up in bars. 

Anyway, I’m probably never going to the Grand Old Oprery anyway because theirs some guy who plays there all the time named Ricky Skanks, and I’d just laugh the hole time.


Aug 20, 2019

Local Man Arrested for Destruction of Pop-Country Playing Jukebox

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, May 18, 2011 
Local bowler and country music fan Reginald Spears, 46, has been arrested for destruction of property at an area bowling alley. Last Saturday at 9:15 PM, Spears was taken into custody for destroying the facility's jukebox with his 17 pound black-speckled Brunswick ball. 

Released on bail, Mr. Spears sat down and spoke with FNN correspondent Trailer about the events that had transpired on the previous Saturday. 

"Well, it goes like this," started Spears. "I was about to bowl my first 300 game; I was down to my final muthaf***ing frame and you know what come on the jukebox? F***ing Glory-anner. I'd dealt with Jason Aldean, Tim McGraw and Taylor Swift through 10 freaking perfect rolls, but that 'Wild at Heart' song just jerked me out of my zone… I went right in the gutter, g**dammit!" 

"My name is not on a little wooden plaque at the Southpaw Lanes because of a damn show choir!!" raged Reginald. "My blood started boilin' in the sixth set when somebody played that dirty sumb*tch Kid Rock, but I let it slide with the help of some cold, sweet High Life…" 

Missing out on the first perfect game cranked Reginald into an unbridled fury. Witness reports have him cursing at a high volume before retrieving his ball from the return. He walked semi-calmly to where the change machine and jukebox rest against the south wall before going into his locally revered wind-up. 

"He bowled a strike on that one!" laughed Percy Garvin, local 205 average bowler. "I gave him a high five. I hate country music! Why can't anybody around here ever order up some Clarence Carter?" 

Spears' shot hit squarely in the middle of the "new fangled" digital jukebox, smashing two speakers and the hard drive, ending the evening's musical accompaniment. Insurance adjusters called it a total loss, valuing the jukebox at $1250.35. 

"I smiled in the mug shot… Hell, I'm proud of what I did," said a defiant Mr. Spears. "I struck a blow against mainstream country and against that dumb*ss drunk sorority girl who paid half a dollar to hear crap." 

Reginald Spears has been banned from Southpaw Lanes and removed from the local league, prompting this response from the accused: "I don't give a fried f**k; I'm going into golf now. That's the only other sport you can drink while you play." 

Aug 16, 2019

Zac Brown’s Diss Track Lyrics Leaked

The Zac Brown Band’s upcoming album The Owl already promises to be controversial among fans and detractors alike. With Brown announcing the participation of several pop producers, and YouTubers posting live performances of new hip-hop flavored songs from the band, the record is sure to raise some country purists’ hackles.

Now comes word of a ‘hidden’ track on the album that takes aims at those very naysayers. Brown already infamously told off the haters on June’s CMT Awards with a profane outburst, but we’re told this song takes things much further. In what’s known in rap circles as a “diss track,” Zac calls out critics, country bloggers, and former fans over their “closed-minded ways.” 

While it’s uncertain if the song, entitled “Hyde Goes Off,” (named for literary villain Edward Hyde, and ZBB’s own Jeckyll and Hyde album) will see the light of day on the official release, sources have assured us that the song is very much real. “He’s sick of people expecting him to adhere to a certain standard of quality in his music, so he’s lashing out.” said one party. “Zac has been, um, experimenting in life, and that has carried over to his songs, and he wants to be able to fart around in the DJ booth or drop bars as he pleases without bloggers making fun of him.” said another.

We haven’t heard “Hyde Goes Off,” but were given a verse of the song, which is said to be very ‘gangsta rap’ with gun shot sound effects and chains rattling in the background. An excerpt of the verse follows.

Ya callin’ me a hypocrite
But bitches, I’m a hustla
Hittin’ corners in my Chiron whip
You just a bunch of bustaz
I just wanna sling my trap
Blaze the weed and stack my dough
Don’t make me have to bust a cap
In y’all “that ain’t country” hoes

At press time, Zac Brown was stumbling around a haberdashery, dressed like a 1930s motorcycle sidecar passenger, mumbling incoherently about whipping someone named “Trailer’s” ass.


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