Showing posts with label Fake News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fake News. Show all posts

Oct 15, 2021

Aldean Welcomes Thousands of New Fans Who Think He Sucks

Country superstar Jason Aldean is used to the adoration of throngs of pop-country fans across the country who dig his brand of rocked-up twangy bravado, but in recent weeks he’s experiencing something new altogether: new fans who can’t stand his music.

“I’ve never even considered listening to Jason Allen [sic] before I heard he had expressed beliefs publicly that aligned with my own,” said Tara McAllen of Gore Springs, MS. “Now I’m thinking about giving him a shot.” She went on to say that despite being a fan of traditional country and Americana, she was open to seeing the error of her ways. 

Many people across social media shared similar thoughts throughout the week. When country satire site Farce the Music shared a non-political but negative meme about Aldean, dozens of previous non-Aldean-fans expressed their disdain. “I always new you was a damn liberal…unfollowed!” replied Instagram user effyoubrandon, despite the meme having not even a whiff of partisanship. “Effyoubrandon” also added a photo of himself proudly wearing some of Aldean’s “Anti Biden Social Club” gear. 

The trend of music fans putting ideology over art isn’t a recent one (think Dixie Chicks), but has grown as Americans split into camps over issues such as vaccines, gender, and Machine Gun Kelly. It seems many would rather listen to an artist devoid of any depth, talent, or uniqueness simply to “own the libs/repubs.” 

When reminded that he’d frequently told outspoken artists Jason Isbell and BJ Barham to “shut up and sing” in the past, Brad Harbor of Panama City, FL retorted “Yeah, but they hate America. Jason Aldean may be a philandering, bloated, mediocre, angry meathead, but at least he knows the damned election was stolen! I can’t wait to go to one of his shows and get drunk enough to tolerate him!” 


At press time, Luke Bryan was attempting to formulate a mildly controversial opinion.


Oct 8, 2021

Woke Mob Destroys Jason Aldean Albums in Protest

A mob of unruly woke folks staged a protest in front of country singer Jason Aldean’s record company yesterday. They were clearly upset that Aldean had recently been using his 1st amendment rights to criticize President Joe Biden, speak out against mask mandates, and generally promote all sorts of dangerous freedom.

The blue haired and heavily masked troupe staged their protest on Grand Avenue beside the building that houses the office of Broken Bow Music Group, snarling the already terrible traffic near the intersection with Music Square West. 


“We’re here to demand Aldean’s immediate dismissal from the label, and to show our disdain for his very existence.” said Rachel Portnoy, a community developer from Hackensack. 


On cue, a short convoy of Nissan Leafs, Toyota Priuses, and Chevy Volts proceeded down Grand in Portnoy’s direction. She and an assistant, Pierre Effete, stepped off the curb carrying large boxes of Jason Aldean CDs. They dumped the albums directly into the path of the environmentally responsible parade and stood back as the cars crushed them into a pile of acrylic, polycarbonate, metallic film, and torn album liners. One Leaf became stuck in the pile and had to be pushed out by protestors some workers from across the street.


Formerly quiet on the subject of politics, superstar Aldean has recently been more outspoken, cheering on audiences for flouting mask mandates, allowing his children to be photographed in “Hidin’ from Biden” t-shirts, and defending his wife’s sale of said shirts (among other more forcefully worded shirts). “We’re just fed up with his inflammatory speech; while we support responsible free speech, people who disagree with our particular viewpoints clearly cannot handle the freedom.” said Effete, a barista from Belle Meade.


When told that the protest might be bringing previously unknown awareness of Aldean’s politics to a segment of people who’d likely become fans because of those beliefs, Portnoy seemed dismissive. “If this does nothing besides trend on Twitter for 2 hours and improve our cred inside our bubble of influence, then we’ve done our job,” she smirked.


Over on the sidewalk, Pierre attempted to snap an Aldean CD in half with his bare hands, but was unable to break the disc and simply threw it to the concrete before picking it up and placing the pieces in the recycling bin.

Sep 24, 2021

Fiddle & Steel Band Not Sure What Genre They Are

A new band out of Alabama, Ohatchee, is facing a difficult question as they navigate the terrain of the touring band life. When booking shows, which they still do without management, they are often met with the question: What genre are you? The band has no idea. 

“We play the good kind of music,” laughed twangy lead singer/guitarist Hap Lorring. “Anyway that’s what an annoying positive fan of the band always comments online and I think it’s dopey as hell, but then again, I don’t know what genre we are.”


The quintet features a steel guitarist, fiddle player, drummer, bassist, and lead guitarist/vocalist and play what might be described as “a mixture of ballads and dance tunes of a sort of music originating in the rural southern US,” but that’s more than a mouthful to tell club owners and event planners. 


Some fans of Ohatchee have called the group “Americana,” but the guys aren’t even sure what that is. “Isn’t that just an adjective to describe those roadside attractions like ‘World’s Longest CVS Receipt’ or ‘Largest Ball of Chewed Up Gum in Nebraska?’” 


“We’re not folk either,” said Lorring. “I listened to some popular folk songs on Spotify, and we don’t clap and sing ‘ohhhh’ that often. I’m really at a loss here.”


“My grandfather said ‘Boy, ya’ll are just good ol’ country music’,” said lead songwriter and bassist Chad Logan. “But he’s senile. I listened to country radio and we don’t even have a rapper in the band so we must not be country.” Logan went on to say that Ohatchee doesn’t employ a DJ and doesn’t write songs about picking up a girl in a bar and driving out to the country with her to make love in a sixty-thousand dollar pickup truck. They also lack programmed beats, six pack abs, and mediocrity, so nope, not country.


Whatever the hell they are, Ohatchee rolls on to play the Kudzu and Possum Festival in Winona, MS this weekend. 

Sep 17, 2021

Walker Hayes Writes New Annoyingly Dumbass Song for IHOP

After taking over TikTok, country radio, and television ads, pop-country-talk-singer Walker Hayes has something new on his plate: another foray into the advertising world. This time around he’s extolling the virtues of IHOP (formerly International House of Pancakes), in a spectacularly stupid and catchy jingle/single that’s debuting on TikTok next week.

Hayes, the co-writer/singer of the smash-hit, brain-numbing, infuriating ode-to-the-simple life, “Fancy Like,” got to work on the new song, simply titled “IHOP” as soon as Applebee’s launched its ad campaign with the former. “We’re putting the finishing touches on the dance,” said Hayes. “I can just see a line of people dressed as breakfast burritos popping and locking in the commercial! Literally everyone will love it and if they don’t, I’ll make snarky comments to them on Twitter.” 


Dine Brands Global, who owns Applebee’s as well as IHOP, had already optioned the song, music unheard, and prepped for ad shoots in the coming weeks. EVP of Marketing, Tenise Helms told us “Walker has been a goldmine for Applebee’s, and I’m sure he’ll be the same for IHOP, and that no one will in any way find this song to be exasperating or irksome. If you don’t like Walker, you don’t like fun!” 


Traditional country fans and people who only watch TV during football games had a drastically different reaction to the news. “God ******* **** it!” yelled LSU fan Peter Grady of Baton Rouge. “I already went to therapy for the first time because of that ‘fancy like Applebee’s’ bull****; please tell me this is a ****ing joke.” 


“Walker Hayes, who’s she?” asked country fan Carl Outlaw. “Oh that Applebee’s ad… I’ll shoot my TV if I have to hear him on a mother****ing IHOP commercial too!”


Here are a sampling of the lyrics for “IHOP”:

I hop I hop I hop

Can’t stop

Won’t stop

No sir

Breakfast all day, oh yay

Pumpkin full stack and OJ

Eat till I pop

Yeah I hop I hop I hop


At press time, America really wanted Walker Hayes to just stop and go spend some time at home with his family.


Sep 10, 2021

President Adds “Fancy Like” to List of Banned Interrogation Methods

Calling it “despicable and inhumane,” President Biden on Wednesday signed an executive order banning the use of the Walker Hayes song “Fancy Like” as an interrogation method. While not a part of the generally approved list of 19 techniques, annoying the f**k out of prisoners with said musical composition has been a “gray area” tactic in recent months. 

Used mostly on ISIS detainees and other terrorist group members captured in the past year, the song has had mixed results. Several bits of useful intelligence have been gleaned in about half the proceedings, the enemy combatants unable to withstand more than 30 seconds of Walker Hayes talk-singing about Natty light and Oreo shakes. Other results have been quite negative, with stronger minded prisoners left near insanity after withstanding hours of the viral TikTok song / commercial jingle.


According to one anonymous source, one high ranking ISIS enforcer was left crying and vomiting in the corner of his cell after 3 hours of “Fancy Like.” “He kept saying ‘Alabama-jamma’ over and over and attempting to pull his hair out.” said the source.


“Much like water-boarding in the past,” said President Biden. “We cannot stoop to the levels of evil men to draw information from evil men. My executive order declares this song a method of torture, unfit for common decency; hell I wouldn’t wish it on Corn Pop.”


At press time, one military interrogation specialist was removing “Fancy Like” and adding the old standby “Country Girl (Shake it For Me)” to his “ISIS Dance Party” playlist on Spotify. 


Sep 3, 2021

Yellowstone Prequel 1883 to Feature Pop-Country Soundtrack

As filming began of Yellowstone prequel Y: 1883, the production announced on Thursday that it would be taking a decidedly different approach in the show’s musical direction. Music supervisor Robert Bones said unlike the original series, which leans heavily on gritty Americana and folk music, this edition of the franchise would be soundtracked with the likes of Sam Hunt and Florida-Georgia Line. Though anachronistic, the accompaniment’s purpose is to draw in soccer moms, contractor dads, TikTok daughters, and Carolina squat sons. 

“We’re shooting for a different demographic on this one,” said Bones. “1883 will have a  struggle-filled tone, so the music should be offsetting; think Walker Hayes, think Dan + Shay. The subject matter will be dark and challenging, so the music shouldn’t add further stress. Just as country music evolves with the times, so shall the western soundtrack.” 


Y: 1883 will follow the Dutton family’s early journey west to Montana. Tim McGraw, Faith Hill, and Sam Elliott have been tapped to star in the drama. 


“And yes, to let the cat out of the bag, there will be a few duets from Tim & Faith,” said Bones. “We have these megastars, why not use them?” An early exclusive scene shows the duo as Margaret and James Dutton singing the hit “It’s Your Love” from afar, as James battles native Americans in western Missouri and Margaret deals with sick children back at the temporary homestead. 


Another scene has Luke Bryan’s “Kick the Dust Up” in the background as a buffalo stampede roars through the Nebraska plains, adding a whimsical air to the violent encounter. 


Yellowstone’s musical director Andrea von Foerster was originally set to helm 1883’s sonic template, but she was unhappy with the pop-country palette. “Yeah, f**k this s**t, I told ‘em,” laughed von Foerster. “I wish them luck but it’s like if da Vinci had done the Mona Lisa in finger-paint.”


Aug 20, 2021

Man Wears Mask at Aldean Concert Because He’s Embarrassed to Be There

Country superstar Jason Aldean recently praised his New York fans for their lack of masks at his Wantagh show on August 7th. While certain jurisdictions, venues, and organizations either mandate or urge the use of masks during the continued Covid-19 pandemic, the singer was happy to see his crowd defy those suggestions.

One man Aldean didn’t notice, however, was definitely wearing a mask. 


Ben Trask of Levittown withstood the stares and occasional crude remarks from fellow concert-goers and kept his face covering on for the entire duration of the show. He also wore the mask while driving to and leaving the show. 


When asked if he donned the fabric over health concerns, Trask laughed. “Hell no. I just didn’t want anybody I know to see me going to, being in attendance at, or leaving a Jason Aldean concert.”


Trask was tasked with taking his step-daughter and her friends to the concert after drawing the short straw among the group of parents. “My wife got lucky!” said Trask. “She didn’t have to sit through this droning motherf***er for 2 damn hours singing about fields and trucks and trucks and fields.”


“I liked one of the opening singers, Lainey Wilson, but the rest of it was pure garbage,” he continued. “I’d be mortified if somebody took my picture being at this shitshow. They had a f***ing DJ, for god’s sake! At a supposed country concert!”


At press time, Ben was making sure his daughter didn’t tag him in any Facebook photo posts.

Aug 13, 2021

Bearded Poser Can’t Decide Whether to Move to Nashville or Austin

Bearded poser Louis Reynolds has a decision to make. The burgeoning Americana and/or folk and/or pop-country songwriter is weighing the positives and negatives of cities to move to and genres to shoehorn himself into. 

While skilled at writing in none of his options, Reynolds possesses a slightly above average voice and, most importantly, a spectacular beard. The 6’2” former college badminton star, after finding no path to pursuing the sport professionally, picked up an acoustic guitar and learned Snow Patrol’s “Chasing Cars” and was smitten. 


Bankrolled by his parents’ eight figure net worth, Reynolds began formulating his plan to become an artist a star in whatever style of music would have him. 


“I’ll only have to adapt my look to fit in, err, I mean look the part of either a country singer or an Americana singer. You know, either go sleek and stylish with the beard, or look like I just came down out of the mountains with half an elk on my back.” laughed Reynolds. “Pretty much the same for my fashion choices.” 


When asked if he was studying the different styles of music to see where his writing style most organically fit, Reynolds answered “Let’s see. Would I rather rub elbows with Jordan Davis and Sam Hunt, or Cody Jinks and Tyler Childers? Makes you think, y’know.”


“Oh yeah, writing,” he continued. “Either write about trucks used for fun or trucks used for work; no big deal. And the women are either wearing shorts and have their feet on the dash or are sad and working in a Tulsa cafe. It’s pretty simple stuff.” 


At press time, Louis Reynolds was trying on stupid hats and checking horribly overpriced apartment listings in trendy parts of Austin and Nashville.


Jul 30, 2021

Anti-Capitalist Country Singer Dismayed by Lack of Airplay

YouTube country sensation Dexter Youngblood keeps hitting a glass ceiling. According to the singer of “My Big Ol’ Truck,” country radio refuses to play the song, which has amassed 1.3 million plays on the video site. “I know it seems hypocritical to seek fortune for my hard work, but capitalism is compulsory at this point in history in America, so why not attempt to spread my message?” asked the Oregon native. 

The song, a modern sounding pop-country anthem complete with snap beats and talk-singing, promotes a community based enjoyment of his ’22 Ford F-150 Lightning for partying, trips to ‘parades,’ and helping out ‘people like us.’ While innocent on the surface, there are mentions of the color red, stars, and hammers that let you know Youngblood is adept at symbolism.


“Frankly, it’s a non-starter.” said industry insider Jova Marks. “While the song is innocuous enough and it bangs and slaps and whatnot, mainstream country now is as much based on image and personality, so a little digging by country fans who are predominantly conservative, would end Youngblood’s career before it gets off the ground.”


A press release sent to Farce the Music from Youngblood’s PR stated that his debut album For the Common Good is set for release in November. It will include songs with such titles as “We Can End It, Girl,” “Can I Smash (Capitalism),” “Burn Down My Hometown,” and a cover of Drive-by Truckers’ “Ramon Casiano.” 


The album will not be free, despite Youngblood’s close-held belief system. “My parents cut off my allowance because of a little drug issue I had, and I don’t want to lose my second house, so yeah, I’m participating in capitalism …but it’s a necessary evil for now,” he said, brushing a white powder off the sleeve of his Che Guevara t-shirt. 


At press time, Youngblood told us “I really don’t know why radio won’t play my music, but I bet its because I’m asexual.”

Jul 23, 2021

Brad Paisley Fan Purchases Larger Shirt from Merch Stand to Hide Swampass

Brad Paisley fan Jerry Potenza just returned to the merchandise stand for a second Brad Paisley t-shirt. “It’s to hide the swamp ass,” laughed Potenza, happily shelling out another $38 for a 3 XL black shirt with our country guitar hero shredding on the front and tour dates on the back. His wife was in possession of his other identical but size large t-shirt as well as a yard tall margarita.

After purchasing the second overpriced shirt, Potenza slipped into the bathroom and changed into it from his too-short-to-hide-the-expanding-sweat-pool-on-the-ass-of-his-cargo-shorts Columbia fishing shirt. “Ah that’s better,” he exhaled. “Why they chose to have a concert outdoors in Mississippi in July is beyond me.” 


With the thermometer still in the 80s and the humidity at 95% even at almost 9 PM, Potenza’s nether regions became a sauna and then a kiddie pool and then a reservoir of perspiration as he sat through openers Kameron Marlowe and Jimmie Allen. Now that he’s ready to stand up and shout along to songs like “I’m Gonna Miss Her” and “Online,” Jerry needs to be presentable to the people in the row behind him. 


“I don’t know them from Adam… well, that lady may go to my church but anyway, I may never see those people again, but that’s no reason to display the grayish stain spreading across the back middle seam of my St. John’s Bay khaki cargos to them.” he explained. 


Other concert goers reported similar issues as their pants, shorts, skirts, and jeans showed the clear signs of what happens when buttocks are in contact with seats in sweltering conditions. Many made the same trip to the merch booth as Jerry, but other less self conscious folks just let their moist freak flags fly. “It’s swamp ass for days,” laughed fellow show enjoyer Leslie Proctor. “Who cares? I’m druuuunnnnk.” 


At press time, Potenza was experiencing another unfortunate heat-related issue as his man parts refused to unstick from his leg. 


Jul 16, 2021

Man’s Undying Love for Country Music Dies with Walmart CD Section

Perry Huddleston, former country lover
“Country music is dead,” lamented former country music lover Perry Huddleston. “That stuff they play on the radio is just pop with a southern accent, and nobody sells CDs or tapes anymore so I guess I’ll just listen to Clay Travis from now on.” Perry was seemingly unaware of the existence of the vibrant modern country and Americana scene as he went on to mourn the death of a genre he’d loved since childhood.

“I went into the Walmart electronics section this week to see if I could get a Best of Johnny Paycheck CD, and I couldn’t even find a music display in there.” said Huddleston. “I asked the lady at the register and she pointed me to a couple of Mexican music albums jammed in by the Blu-Rays. I’m not too big a man to admit that I cried a little.” 


“Country music literally no longer exists.” he frowned, not realizing that Amazon, Apple Music, Spotify, Bandcamp, CD Baby, Tower Records, CDE, eBay, and literally thousands of other sources for country music are available to him with only a few simple movements of his fingers against the screen of his phone.


“I blame god***n Garth Brooks; he killed it, and I was glad my local ‘classic’ country station went off the air cause they had started playing Garth songs lately.” Huddleston went on. “Now, Chris LeDoux, that was a real country singer. RIP.” 


“I’m probably the biggest country music fan I know and I love it with all of my heart; Sh** I’m gonna miss it.” he said, ignorant of the fact that approximately 50 albums that he in particular would enjoy have come out in the first half of this very year. 


When we informed Huddleston that hundreds, if not thousands of contemporary “real” country artists offer physical copies of their music, including his beloved CDs online, he expressed suspicion. “I don’t buy anything online because the Chicoms will steal my identity; I just use it to read the news on Gettr.”



Jul 9, 2021

Texas Country Singer Dies After Accidentally Eating Chili with Beans

Up and coming Texas country singer-songwriter Kodee Westmoreland passed away on Monday, July 5. Westmoreland was visiting friend Lawrence Allen in Louisiana for the long Independence Day weekend when he suddenly became violently ill after a meal. Allen rushed him to the emergency room, but Westmoreland was declared dead upon arrival.

The cause of death is still pending investigation, but Westmoreland’s parents believe they know what happened. “They fed him chili with …beans put in it.” cried Lori Westmoreland, Kodee’s mother. “I think he just died from the shock of such a travesty.”

Allen, for his part, admits serving the heretofore mentioned bespoiled chili. “That’s silly,” said Allen. “I’m trying to mourn my friend and they’re throwing accusations at me. Was he allergic to beans? No. Did he choke? No. Case closed.”

Still, Allen’s account of the incident to police adds credence to the Westmorelands’ theory. According to the report, Westmoreland took a large bite of chili directly from the pot Allen was cooking in. He then told Allen “That has good flavor, but something isn’t right.” Allen asked if maybe some more cumin might help. “Hell no,” said Westmoreland. “But… oh God.” Westmoreland then immediately bent over clutching his stomach. “There’s. Beans.” were reportedly the last words he ever uttered.

The Westmoreland family has retained legal counsel and plans to pursue a civil suit against Lawrence Allen. “We’re still formulating an argument at this point, but clearly the act of cooking ‘chili bean stew’ and calling it chili, leading to Kodee’s consumption of the mislabeled dish, caused such trauma to his system and sense of Texas pride that his heart simply stopped.” said family attorney Howard Kaufmann.

“I just miss my friend,” said Allen. “I don’t think he was so hard-headed that he died because I broke the Texas Ten Commandments or something.”

It will be interesting to see how the situation plays out. RIP in peace, Kodee!

Rich O’Toole was unavailable for comment at press time.

Jun 18, 2021

Pop-Country Singer Awaiting Focus Group’s Decision on What He Should Eat for Breakfast

A pop-country superstar is currently awaiting word from his own personal focus group on what he should partake of for his morning meal.

The committee is currently hung up on the likely outcomes of the choice between whole-grain waffles with light powdered sugar and strawberries or a bowl of plain Cheerios and a large banana.

While Ricardo, the singer’s personal trainer, believes the latter choice would be a better energy source for the busy day of photo shoots and radio station visits ahead, Lisa, his stylist/handler, is certain that the strawberries would appeal more to the females in the Holiday Inn's continental breakfast room right now.

His manager, Frank, sees both sides of the coin but is on Lisa's side because she promised to refill his ice bucket when they return from the day's promotional activities.

The popular singer, according to his latest Tweet, is growing quite hungry and would really like to have the buttermilk pancakes with heavy syrup and real butter, with a side of bacon and a large cup of coffee, but he knows that's not happening.

Lester Johnston, southeastern sales rep for Siemens, who has no idea who the hell any of these people are, is growing quite pissed that they won't move out of the way so he can get some damn Frosted Flakes and a cherry pastry. On second thought, Lester thinks maybe he has seen the kid in the news recently. Something about getting lost on his own 40 acre property or whatever.

by Trailer - Original version posted on Country California Monday, July 27, 2009

Jun 11, 2021

Sam Hunt Tapped to Play Snowman in Smokey & the Bandit Reboot

In his first major acting role, country star Sam Hunt has been picked to star alongside Ryan Reynolds in an upcoming reboot of the blockbuster car chase movie Smokey & The Bandit. Hunt takes over the "Snowman" part from another country music legend, the late Jerry Reed.

In the 2022 tentpole film, the duo will be tasked with trucking a load of organic, locally-sourced kale from California to Nashville in 3 days for a record label shindig. This is a shift from the original, in which Burt Reynold’s Bandit and Reed’s titular truck driver had to get a truck of Coors from Texarkana to Atlanta in a set amount of time. Cultural and legal changes through the years led head writer Lev Hafstetler to update the theme. That’s not the only change this new Bandit vehicle will see.


“I’m driving an electric delivery van instead of an 18 wheeler,” laughed Hunt. “It’s not quite as cool looking as the original rig, but I’m going to do my best to bring a modern sensitivity to the character and a presence behind the wheel.” 


Ryan Reynolds, for his part, will pilot a black Tesla Roadster, which replaces the classic Firebird Trans Am. “We felt it of highest importance to promote environmental awareness, especially given the fact that Reynolds’ character will be doing some somewhat irresponsible driving in the picture.” said director Pete Pontagne.


The antagonist of S&B will be a gang of lifted pickup truck drivers who bully and ridicule Reynolds and Hunt’s characters for driving electric vehicles. “It’s some triggering stuff,” insisted Pontagne. “But we felt it better to go this direction than to feature ….you know… (whispers) law enforcement… in a position that might present them in a relatable, humorous light.” 


Sam Hunt, the singer of classic country hits like “Body Like a Back Road” and “House Party” will make his first foray into the acting world for Smokey & The Bandit, and he couldn’t be more excited. “I’ve been studying Terry Reed’s [sic] acting style and his great old songs like “On the Road Again” [sic] and “Six Days on the Road” [sic] to get into his mindset of his snarky, gritty take on Cledus Snow, but as I said earlier, I’ll inject some politeness and empathy into the role.” said Hunt.


Test audiences who have seen a rough cut of Smokey & The Bandit, due Memorial Day 2022, describe it as “awful” and “watered down and namby-pamby” and “utter shit.”


May 28, 2021

Luke Bryan Tears Buttcheek Rehearsing for New Tour

While practicing for his upcoming return to touring, country superstar Luke Bryan tore his moneymaker. Doctors have put him on bed rest while he recuperates from the serious injury to his most important feature. 

Sources say Bryan was winding up for his crowd-pleasing butt thrust featuring a patented shit-eating grin when he grabbed at his lower hiney area and fell to the stage crying. “It was bad,” said guitarist Michael Carter. “Our paychecks depend on his ass, literally, so we all gasped when his strongest attribute failed him.”


While fans surely come out to Luke Bryan shows for the fun, drinks, and upbeat pop-country music, many of his (mostly) female fans cast their gaze a bit lower for his biggest draw. “Oh, that sugar shaker,” laughed Lera Towson of West Memphis, AR. “I can’t name more than three of his songs, but that thang keeps me coming back! I hope it’s, I mean, I hope he’s going to be okay!”


“I diagnosed the patient with a grade 3 rupturing of the left booty cheek,” said Dr. James Keister, Luke’s physician. “All that time off during the pandemic got him a bit rusty and now he’s going to have to keep his rump in repose for a few weeks.” Bryan’s Proud to Be Right Here tour will be delayed into at least July.


Bryan, for his part, was upbeat but taking things in stride. “Some have said I should just go on tour and sit on a pillow and sing my songs, but who goes out to a concert just to hear music?” laughed Bryan. “My fans can rest assured that in a month or so, my ass will be back at 110%!”


May 21, 2021

CDC Recommends Wearing 2-3 Masks at Kane Brown Concerts, Even After Pandemic

Despite relaxing or ending 13 months of Covid-19 mask mandates, the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has continued one recommendation for fans of pop-country singer Kane Brown. "You can resume activities without wearing a mask or staying six feet apart, except at Kane Brown concerts,” the CDC said on Thursday.

They went on to say that the prevalence of poor hygiene and high levels of transmissible illnesses and diseases among this specific subset of music fans makes it necessary to continue pandemic era protocols for the foreseeable future. This includes wearing not only a mask, but two, and possibly three masks. 6-10 feet of social distancing is also required.


“This fan army, whose main demographic is adolescent, caucasian, rural, teenaged girls or young women and their boyfriends, exhibits much higher than normal frequencies of sexually transmissible diseases and other airborne contagions,” said Dr. Lew Dunne, of Georgia’s state CDC office. “They infrequently bathe or brush their teeth, so the masks will help with the stench as well.”


The CDC has even gone so far as to send links to a YouTube video or TikTok of the warning with the purchased digital tickets to Kane Brown concerts. “Many of them are unable to read at a middle school level and only communicate with their friends through short videos of dancing or ‘snatching a bitch’s wig’ so we created a fun and informative video that explains our recommendation with song and dance.” said Dunne. “It’s been quite effective so far.”


At press time, the CDC was recommending avoiding Upchurch concerts altogether.


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