Showing posts with label Fake News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fake News. Show all posts

Mar 15, 2024

TikTok Country Artist Feels Possibility of Unearned Overnight Success Slipping Away

Rising TikTok personality and country singer Dillon Dylan feels his dreams slipping away. The Mobile, AL college sophomore with 2.1 million followers and growing buzz thinks all his hard work could be for naught. 

“I’ve written 4 and a half songs and covered dozens of others on camera in back of the abandoned Shell station down from my house, built up an audience, received lots of heart emoji reactions, and for this??” regretted Dylan. 


This week, the US House Of Representatives passed a bill that could lead to a ban of the popular and addictive app. In recent years, many wet behind the ears singers whose mom told them they were better than what’s on the radio have found overnight acclaim singing over-wrought teen poetry over an acoustic guitar in a cotton field somewhere. Many feel that time may be almost over. 


Dylan’s song “19 and Middle Aged” has garnered over 20 million impressions or whatever metric they use, pulling in a following more impressive than some established country radio stars. While there are many such artists showing true talent and dedication, a big chunk of them also luck into popularity due to timing or contacts or personal appearance. Dylan is the latter.


“I mean, I spend my days honing my craft of social media engagement and this is how America repays us,” raged Dylan. “This might be my villain origin story.” Dylan spoke little of “honing his craft” of songwriting and music, or trying his hand at playing an open mic, or joining a buddy’s band to get some experience under his belt. 


“F**kin’ Zeiders jumped the line, why can’t I?” continued the raging Dillon. “I’ve done everything my sponsor, uh I mean mentor, has said I should do and it might just never happen for me now. I’m gonna have to be a damned graphic designer like my dad.” 


At press time, the words “We have to hire a talent scout? What’s that?” were being shouted across record label board rooms across Nashville. 



Mar 8, 2024

SC Man to Sue Tyler Childers After “In Your Love” Video “Turns Him Gay”

Columbia, South Carolina resident Pete Dew says he’s made some major changes in his life recently, and he’s not happy about it. Dew, whose wife filed divorce papers this past week, says it all started with a song. Well, a video to be more specific: Tyler Childers’ “In Your Love.”

“I was Childers fan from way back,” said Dew. “Until he got woke singing about black people on a mountain or some s***; that’s when I moved on.” Dew says he has checked back in on Childers’ work from time to time, just to see “if he’d come back to his senses” but was mostly just listening to oldies and indie-pop these days. 


What happened next could not have been predicted by anyone, including Dew’s wife, mother, stylist, fitness trainer, or interior designer. “That damn coal miner video turnt me gay!” said Dew. “Before that, I was the straightest man alive, I loved sexual relations with my lovely wife, I loved a fresh pair of square toes, I loved pro wrestling!”


Dew told us he is speaking with attorneys about filing a lawsuit against Childers. “The first time I watched the video, I was confused about the feelings I was having,” related Dew. “By the 34th time, I figured out Tyler was using some kind of subliminal messages in the video to turn us all gay. I bet the WEF and the UN paid him.” 


Dew said that was it; he knew. He spent a few days extensively researching information and photos on the internet before telling his wife. “She said she wasn’t that surprised,” frowned Dew. “But I said naw baby, it was Tyler! She thought Tyler was a dude I was seeing, but I explained it to her and she just said ‘sure hon’ and walked out.” 


At press time, Pete Dew was Googling “rainbow Gadsden flag.”


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Please note that almost any time I use stereotypes, I am making fun of that stereotype. 



Feb 23, 2024

On This Day in Country Music History


New Americana Band Vows to Stay Apolitical Until They’re Popular

Up-and-coming Americana group The Red Lions are making waves with more than just their music. The four-piece out of Homewood, AL are impressing with their streaming numbers for their self released debut record and selling out rooms across the south, but their approach to songwriting is also turning some heads. 

“They say ‘everything is political,’ but we’re the exception,” said Lions bandleader Joe Sparkman. “We avoid taking positions so hard that we went back and edited out a line about drinking a Bud Light even though the song is set in 1989.” 


The four-piece has deftly stayed clear of being labeled by writing songs only about work, drinking and love, while steering away from any sort of signifiers or coded terms that might out them as Democrats or Republicans. “We love and respect all our fans and welcome them into our big tent, at least until we’re popular. Then 50% of them can kiss our asses!” laughed drummer Laura Lofton. 


The Red Lions’ music also avoids classification. Blending country, rock, pop, folk, soul, hard rock, southern rock, indie rock, outlaw country, and R&B in perfectly equal parts in every song, the band literally can barely be described. Despite being impossible to market, they’ve managed to get a couple of songs to over 100k streams on Spotify, including “Coal Mining and Liquor” and “Laid Off at the Paper Mill.” 


While the band has gained a great deal of traction on streaming platforms, they’re having a hard time finding a touring partner. “We had one potential supporting tour for a major band, but they were gonna make us sign a social intersectionality pact or some shit. And another big singer wanted us to get tiny MAGA tattoos to come aboard. So we’re mostly opening for ourselves so far.” said Sparkman.


When asked about the band’s plans after passing their threshold of “success,” bassist Reed Wilkes chimed in. “Shortly after crossing 100,000 monthly listeners, we will go into the studio and write an album in which we write ham-fisted lyrics railing against whatever the current Presidential administration is, while leaning into EDM and other styles our original fans don’t care for, so they’ll have to say ‘their first album is actually good’ when somebody mentions us for the rest of their lives.” 


At press time, The Red Lions were being ambivalent about their lunch plans.


Feb 9, 2024

Jelly Roll to Step in for Injured CM Punk at Wrestlemania

Pop-country supernova Jelly Roll has a lot of irons in the fire these days, but his latest may be the hottest one to handle. Mr. Roll, a longtime wrestling fan who has appeared on WWE television a couple of times before, has been announced as a participant in a match at the upcoming Wrestlemania event in Philadelphia.

The singer/songwriter/rapper/celebrity known for his genre-blending styles and “no sir I don’t know where you can find some copper” tattoos sees his career on the upswing lately. He has appeared on a multitude of awards shows and other related programs, has racked up hit after hit, and even delivered big time at a passionate appearance before the Senate(!!).


But this is a different animal altogether. At the WWE Wrestlemania kickoff in Las Vegas yesterday, Roll, real name Jason DeFord, was announced for an as-yet unannounced match at the event. CM Punk, a top tier performer at WWE, recently tore his triceps at a previous event, and the company felt it needed to bring in some more star power to shore up the card of the two-night extravaganza.


While Jelly Roll won’t necessarily be facing CM Punk’s presumed opponent in Seth Rollins, he is training for any possibility. At WWE’s Orlando Performance Center, DeFord spent many days in the last few months learning back bumps, rope running, and “selling.” One anonymous trainer told us things were going okay, but he was at least better than Snooki and Colin Jost in the ring.


“Woo, it’s been a grind!” said DeFord. “This has been harder than the chore of making people take me seriously due to my name being a pastry.” The large framed singer says trainers Shawn Michaels and Steve Corino have pushed him towards a “big man offense.” 


“I won’t be doing any moonsaults or 450 splashes, naw I’mma be doing the Dusty Rhodes or Rikishi-style fight, bring the pain.” laughed Jelly. “But no way in hell will I be wearing Rikishi’s outfit in Philly.”


At press time, Jelly Roll had just tweaked his back trying to power-bomb Scotty Too Hotty.


Jan 26, 2024

Keith Urban Announces Stultifying New Single

Fake News Classic, Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, October 08, 2009 


Though he just sent the obligatory third single (which obligatorily features a performance video) from Defying Gravity to radio this past week, Fake News has received exclusive information about the first single from Keith Urban's forthcoming moderately anticipated seventh album. The mid-tempo pop-country anthem entitled "This Is a Pretty Good Song," cowritten by Urban and a songwriter whose name you'd recognize, showcases Keith's excellent, but getting less interesting, guitar skills and his renewed sense of purpose in the fading genre while simultaneously sounding like every song he's released before. 


"I'm actually somewhat excited about the song," Urban's manager read from an index card during our short interview with him. "It is a soundly crafted, proficiently played tune that fits squarely into the standard expectations of the people who will listen to it again and again." He continued: "We feel that it will sell somewhere in the range of 178,000 digital copies, raise average awareness of Keith's new CD above the 'fairly interested' level, and most importantly, not cause radio listeners to change the station." Tucking the index card back into his pocket, he concluded: "We are nearly thrilled." 


The song is gathering quite a semblance of a buzz in the industry. In fact, some country disc jockeys who received early preview discs of the potboiler track jumped the gun, pretending to be breathless with staged anticipation as they played the yet-to-be-released surefire chart-topper. Some even reported listeners phoning in to request "that new song I think was by Keith Urban, maybe, that sounded pretty okay." 


Urban's as-yet-untitled seventh album is due for release in March of 2010. A summer tour featuring opening act Pretty Up-and-Coming Female Performer Who Can Sing Harmony will follow. 



Jan 19, 2024

Daring New Country Singer Blends Varied Influences Into His Shitty Music


Daring new country singer Skip Malone is on deck for stardom, and he’s here to put Nashville on notice. The dashing 21-year-old out of West Memphis, AR, wants everyone to know that he won’t put out a note of music that wasn’t influenced by music he actually listens to, everything he listens to.

His debut single “Night Like What” blends the stylings of Green Day, Drake, and Kenny Chesney into an unbearable mess of soulless slop. And that’s what he’s counting on. Not on it being an unbearable mess of soulless slop, he’s counting on over-30 country fans to think it’s an unbearable mess of soulless slop. 


“No shade, but I hope they hate it!” laughed Malone. “The more the ops can’t stand it, the more streams we’ll do. You and Saving Country Music and all those blue hairs on Twitter will probably put more cash in my Venmo than the quality of my music.” 


Newly signed to DBAG69, a subsidiary of Mercury Nashville, Malone is already scheduled to open for Dustin Lynch at some shows before his godawful song has even been released to radio. He says the company has promised their full support behind him, already purchasing a tour bus from an ailing legend, and plastering Malone’s ultra-punchable face all over it. 


“TikTok is where we’re really taking off,” said Malone. “Got videos of college girls dancing to “night like what what what” all over the place. It’s humbling fr fr.” (Editor’s note: He actually said “fr fr” out loud)


The song itself, about (you guessed it) meeting a girl in a bar and driving out to the country in his suburban assault truck, sounds like someone having a mild stroke during a Florida-Georgia Line karaoke performance. There’s snap beats, metal riffs, a hint of banjo, an EDM breakdown, a rapped bridge, and autotune galore. It’s as if every channel on Sirius XM was played on top of one another at once, but with a singular programmed beat. 


Currently dating one of Morgan Wallen’s leftovers, Skip Malone looks to have a massive year and he’s excited. “It’s gone be bussin going on tour with Dustin Lynch and dropping this fire later this year.” he smiled. 


At press time, Skip Malone was putting the finishing touches on his second single, “No Simp No Cap.”


Jan 12, 2024

Zac Brown Announces Upcoming Second Midlife Crisis

Country bandleader Zac Brown had an announcement for fans this past Wednesday, but not one they’d have seen coming. Brown, 45, took to his socials not to announce an upcoming album or tour, but for something else entirely

“To all our fans, I have made the very difficult decision to begin my second midlife crisis. Despite thinking this part of my life was in the past, recent upheavals have made clear that I will soon be hitting the gym again.” began Zac, before running down a list of likely changes his repeat experience with the middle-age rite of passage will bring. 


“Where my previous midlife crisis saw me get arrested at a hotel where there were hookers and blow, this time around I’ll mix it up a little bit with… let’s go with escorts and ketamine in my vicinity this time,” continued Brown. “Surely in those alleged pursuits I will find myself …as well as a path forward.”


Many men experience a “mid-life crisis” sometime between the ages of 40-60 years old. According to Wikipedia, “it is a psychological crisis brought about by events that highlight a person’s growing age, inevitable mortality, and possible lack of accomplishments.” 


Oftentimes though, it is outside stressors that can also lead to a man of a certain age purchasing a soft top Bronco and dating a 24 year old they met at the dispensary. This seems to possibly be the case with Brown, who recently announced a divorce from his wife of 4 months.


In his previous crisis, Brown was known to experiment heavily, and poorly, with styles of music other than his usual jam-oriented pop-country. “Last time we did cringe-rap and EDM; this time I’m thinking I’ll embarrass the rest of the band with some guest shots from folks like The Kid LAROI and Kodak Black. Maybe we’ll drop a black metal album. Who knows? F*** the haters.”


At press time, Zac Brown was doing a photo shoot with People, touting his recent trip to Mexico for a non-FDA-approved baldness cure. 


Dec 8, 2023

Luke Bryan Shifts Towards Americana to Energize Flagging Career

In his first major evolution in sound since moving from “aw shucks” pop-country to party-centric bro-country early in his career, country superstar Luke Bryan is following the money his heart. Sporting a swiftly growing beard and a messy mop of hair, Bryan spoke with us a few moments about his exploration of what he calls “a more organic, earthly sound.” [sic]

Citing an internal desire to show a more “rustical” [sic] side of himself, Luke has recruited an old adversary in Shooter Jennings to produce his new album. “Except for my Farm EPs, which weren’t really about farming, nobody’s seen that real part of me that, you know, just loves getting my hands in the dirt and also being sad about the plight of coal miners.” [sic]


“Shooter’s gonna be at the board, but he’s also gonna write with me a little,” continued Bryan. “We’re bringing in some of these new fellas like Dylan Proust, Wyatt Meloy, and Tanner Logan or whoever, and do some duets about the opioid pandemic [sic] and job loss in the Midwest; it’s gonna be so much fun!”


“I even went to the Beckley Exhibition Coal Mine up in West Virginia and got a tour,” laughed Bryan. I’m pretty much an expert on coal mining now, or at least as much an expert as all those new 20 years olds singing about it.”


Bryan, who has recently gotten in minor online spats over whispers that his career is in decline, is still a major draw live, and continues to have radio hits, though at a much slower pace than his glory days of women shaking it for catfish, and boom boom under his seat or whatever the hell he sang about. He hopes this new era will keep him relevant for years to come. 


The first single from the new project, “Holler in the Holler,” is due to be dropped at mainstream radio in February, though he isn’t sure what the reception will be. “We love radio, but they aren’t always ready for someone forging a brave new path,” said Luke, sweat beads forming at the edges of his newly unkempt hair-do. “This first song’s still got some party time in it, so hopefully that will help us transition to my new totally not contrived sound, while still being a unit-moving beacon for the genre.” 


At press time, Luke was eating a gas station sausage biscuit and watching Moonshiners. 


Nov 10, 2023

One Texas Town Doesn’t Have a Country Song About It

One town in the Hill Country has somehow escaped the gaze and thoughtful tunesmithing of Texas country and roots songwriters. Sabinal, Texas, located west of San Antonio in Uvalde County, has all the touchstones needed for a great country song, but has yet to be honored in that manner, and Mayor Jerry Guzman is tired of it. 

“We’re pretty much the same exact size we were in 1910, write about our consistency!” laughed Guzman. “But seriously, you can zoom into any area in Texas on Google Maps and pick a town and there’s a 99% chance there’s at least a mediocre Casey Donahew album cut about it.” 


“Freakin’ Gatesville has a song!” he frowned. “River floating, vista gazing, dust stirring, beer drinking, lie telling, domino slamming, chili without beans… we’ve got it all, but Gatesville… ptuih!” 


Neither Cody Johnson, nor Willie Nelson, nor Randy Rogers, nor Pat Green, nor Rich O’Toole, nor Bri Bagwell, nor Robert Earl Keen, nor K.T. Olin, nor Jack Ingram, nor Rodney Crowell, nor Joe Ely, nor Nanci Griffith, nor Larry Gatlin, nor Mac Davis, Gary P. Nunn, nor Clint Black, nor Alejandro Escovedo, nor Jamie Lin Wilson, nor Beyonce, nor Steve Earle, nor Radney Foster, nor Kelly Clarkson, nor Cody Canada has bothered showing even 3 1/2 minutes of interest in the forlorn municipality.


"It rhymes with a bunch of stuff depending on how you say it," laughed the Mayor. "fall, in all, call, pal, Cristal... uh saddle if you pronounce it weird."


A small sampling of other Texas cities and towns that DO have country songs written about them are as follows: Houston, San Antonio, Dallas, Amarillo, Texarkana, Stephenville, Waco, College Station, Brownsville, Corpus Christi, Odessa, Monahans, Wichita Falls, Nacodoches, Plainview, Fort Worth, Indianola, Lubbock, Galveston, Alpine, Austin, Luckenbach, La Grange, Beaumont, Midland, El Paso, Abilene, and Laredo. But not Sabinal. 


The town has put together a discussion panel to find ways to make the area more amenable to being documented in the next TRRR smash. “First of all we’re looking to expand the Dairy Queen parking lot, at city expense, to draw in more young people who like to hang out yelling “Let’s go!” in parking lots with their pickup trucks. That’ll cover the more middle of the road Texas country sensibilities.” said Guzman. “But we also have to find ways to add more ennui, whatever that is, for the artsy-fartsy Texas poets.” 


“We’ll figure it out..” he trailed off, with a tear in his eye. 


At press time, out-of-state country songwriter Cody Wolfe had volunteered to write a song about Sabinal, provided that a nearby airport can accommodate his private jet.  


Oct 20, 2023

Dan + Shay to Dress as Country Duo for Halloween

Pop duo Dan + Shay is looking for costumes for a Halloween party this weekend. They’ve already chosen the theme - country singers - but they’re now searching for the perfect homespun attire, visiting Goodwills and western wear outlets across Nashville. 

“I did a Google image search for ‘country singer’ and it came back with lots of cowboy hats and boot-cut jeans and stuff,” says Shay Mooney. “That’s so foreign to me - it’s always enlightening to see how other cultures live!” Dan Smyers tries on a huge foam cowboy hat but quickly returns it to the rack. “If they had it in a trucker hat style maybe.”


The Dan + Shay wardrobe usually includes bright colors and stripes, tailored pants, and hip casual wear. The aesthetics of country music fashion are a world away from their typical flair, but they’re digging it. “Ha, they call this a nudist suit, I believe,” laughs Thomas, holding up a rhinestone and gold beaded purple jacket. “I think old country stars like Buck Owings and Hank Wilson [sic] used to wear these… they had so much drip!”


After a couple of hours, the two have narrowed their selections down to an all black Johnny Cash-inspired ensemble or a Brooks and Dunn combo. “How did Garth have time to be in a duo and have a solo career at the same time?” asks a confused Smyers. 


Slowly coming to a consensus for the B&D garb at press time, Dan + Shay seem excited about the impact they’ll make when they step into the party as someone so different from themselves. “They won’t even recognize us in these fits.”


 Yes, this is a reboot of an old story.

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