Showing posts with label Fake News. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fake News. Show all posts

May 7, 2021

The Band Perry Reveals Last 6 Years Have Been Elaborate Hoax

“Ha ha! Got ya!” laughed Kimberly Perry, lead vocalist of pop-country trio The Band Perry. “Y’all thought we’d lost our minds, huh?” Perry, clad in blue jeans, a Merle Haggard t-shirt, and a dark plaid tied around her waste, explained the long con in a short interview with us this week. 

“We’re back so y’all can play us again,” she smiled, jokingly elbowing the air as if dropping a big hint to country radio programmers. “This was all a prank Reid thought of.” Kimberly’s brother apparently came up with the idea in 2014, but only planned on the elaborate joke lasting for a year or so. 7 years later, the group is playing clubs and living off Covid stimulus checks. 

The Band Perry, on the strength of smash hits like “If I Die Young,” “Better Dig Two,” and “You Lie,” was quickly racing toward A-list status in the mainstream country realm. Suddenly, as if bored with success and money, things took a weird detour. In 2015, the trio suddenly took a hard turn toward pop music, cycling through various and increasingly strange and less country iterations and fashions over the next half decade, leaving fans and critics alike dumbfounded. 

“That tan era was my idea,” admitted Perry. “Looking back, it looked sorta incestuous; that was honestly pretty creepy …even for a hoax, which it really really seriously was.” “I’m not kidding now. We’re a country band. Can't believe y'all fell for it.” she followed.

Perry told us they truly did not intend to commit so fully to the practical joke. “I don’t even like electronic music, and I could puke looking at the photos from the ‘yellow’ era… we just kept daring each other to keep it going and keep it going… then the money started running out, so here we are.” explained Perry. “But it’s not about the money at all, I mean it; we just screwed up.”

While not currently signed to a major label, the group hopes the big reveal of the definitely authentic hoax will have the big companies back at their doorstep. “We want to open shows for boyfriend country singers, we wanna do radio tours, we wanna put out syrupy catchy murder songs again!” smiled Perry. “Please believe me that this was just a silly ruse.”

At press time, The Band Perry was planning to sell the prank as a non-fungible token, whatever that means.

Apr 23, 2021

Several People Learn Dan + Shay is Two Dudes By Reading This Very Headline

Several readers of the headline above today learned that superstar country (pop) duo Dan + Shay is, in fact, composed of two male singers. Before having their eyes come upon those thirteen words, those readers, who may still be reading these sentences I am typing, believed that Shay was a woman. 

The reasons for their assumptions are varied and understandable. First, “Shay” is generally recognized to be a name for females and possibly those who identify as females. Secondly, the vocal presentation of Dan + Shay is rather high pitched. Women of the human species usually have shorter, thinner vocal cords, causing the sound produced in the larynx and uttered through the mouth to be in the upper register. 

Thirdly, those readers, usually not fans of pop country music, may have glanced quickly at promotional photos of Dan + Shay and noticed that one of the members of the duo has long hair (and occasionally no facial hair) and vaguely noted mentally that one of them was female. This is not the case. That misjudged member of the duo is named Dan, which is generally recognized to be a name for males and possibly those who identify as males. 

Those newly-informed readers who are still perusing these paragraphs may be surprised to learn, additionally, that Shay is the always-bearded member of the platinum-selling, ACM Award winning musical act. Indeed, Shay is the lead vocalist of the group, but in fact possesses the attributes that identify Mooney as a male, though if that definition has changed as of the posting of this story, I apologize to anyone I may have offended and will attempt to better myself.

“Huh, you learn something every day,” said Jackson Smith of Houston, upon coming to the realization that Shay Mooney is not a woman. “But they still suck.” Smith also posted a politically incorrect comment about the duo’s sexuality below the Facebook link for this very story. It was hidden or deleted promptly.

Shay Mooney, upon finding out that many music fans assumed him to be a her, stated “I don’t care, I’m rich.”

Apr 16, 2021

Local Man Mows Vulgar Phrase on Radio Station Lawn

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, May 03, 2013 

Local country music fan Reginald Spears was arrested Friday morning after mowing a vulgar phrase onto the lawn of radio station WTSM Catfish 104.9 FM. 

Police said Spears, who has a long record of misdemeanors and public complaints, was taken into custody without incident at the country station as he admired his work from the seat of his John Deere riding lawnmower. Deputy William Cranston said the man was finishing off a bottle of whiskey and singing to himself before turning around with his hands behind his back. 

"We'd gotten a few calls about a white male driving a mower through town with shoes dragging behind, but hadn't been able to find him until the radio station manager called us," said Cranston. 

WTSM manager Bart McGee confronted the man before calling police.  "I asked him if he was with our lawn care service because he looked suspicious and kind of familiar. There wasn't a truck or trailer anywhere, just him on his mower," said McGee. "It wasn't until he said something about us only playing George Jones because he died that I noticed what he'd just done... there was a huge 'F**k You' mowed into the grass." 

Although Mr. Spears was not available for comment at press time, his wife - Laverne Spears, also local was all too pleased to fill us in on the events leading up to the incident. "His alarm clock woke him up with the radio playing that Forrest Gump remix of 'Finally Friday' and he got up cranky. He said he was gonna show them sumb*tches about respecting the Possum." 

"He went out and cranked up the mower and I thought he was just gonna cut the yard till he drove off down the road," she continued.  Spears' ride apparently took him to Barney's Package Store, then the Goodwill Store, where he was seen tying shoes behind the mower. He snarled mid-morning traffic as he drove the slow-moving vehicle through the town square to his final destination. 

"He pointed at those shoes behind his mower and asked me 'Who the f**k's gonna fill em? Fake Shelton?' I could smell whiskey on his breath," recounts McGee. "Then a light came on and I remembered he was the same guy who cut our signal a couple of years back for playing 'Christmas Shoes.' What a kook!" 

Spears may now be facing some actual jail time due to his prior record. His charges for this "protest" include operating a non-street-legal vehicle in traffic, driving while intoxicated and vandalism.  "That vandalism charge is bullsh*t," claims Mrs. Spears. "Their grass was high as an armadillo's *ss. He was helping them out. They can kiss my *ss too! Long live the Possum!" 

Apr 9, 2021

Man Was Just Concerned Band Might Not Play Songs They Play at Every Show

The man who kept yelling out the names of songs the band plays at every show was just concerned they wouldn’t. He didn’t realize he was annoying you with his constant hollering of obvious song titles, and acting pissed when they didn’t play one of those songs immediately after his obnoxious request.

Lee Baker, of Tallahassee, is a contractor and father of three, who because of the pandemic and his family duties hasn’t been to a live music show in over 2 years. You may recognize him as the average looking dad with dark circles under his eyes who’s always alone at Americana, country, and folk rock shows, very drunk, and looking as if he hasn’t been out of the house in ages.

“Well, I haven’t been to a show in over 2 years,” said Baker. “And I haven’t been out of the house in ages, so I just wanted to make sure I’d hear my favorites. Is that so wrong? ” 

“It was so wrong.” said the band’s lead singer. “As if we weren’t going to get around to our three most popular songs that our fans love singing along to at literally every single show we do. He might as well have yelled at me to ‘make vocalizations with your throat, tongue, and mouth!’” 

Like a Skynyrd fan yelling “Free Bird!,” Baker held his IPA in the air and continuously screamed out titles that are so much a part of the bands repertoire that they don’t even include them on the typed out set list any more. “What’s he think?” asked the group’s bassist. “We’re gonna play Luke Bryan covers and deep cuts all night?!” 

“He even yelled out one song they’d already played,” said another exasperated show goer. “I’ve talked to him before and he’s a nice guy until the lights go down. He needs to get laid.”

Mar 26, 2021

Local Man Wins Award for Never Having Heard of Luke Bryan

Local welder and “real country fan” Carl Outlaw recently picked up a prestigious award for his lack of pop-culture knowledge. The American Cultural Luddite Society gave Outlaw a plaque and a $50 gift certificate to Panera for his achievement in the area, particularly for Carl’s lack of awareness of country superstar Luke Bryan.

“We were duly impressed,” said Luddite Society president Keith Tarlington. “It seemed that nearly every social media post about Luke Bryan was followed with a reply from Carl… a “Who TF is that?” here, a “Luke Bryan, who’s she?” there.”  “We were shocked that a human being with functioning sensory organs and an internet connection could not recognize the platinum selling superstar.” he continued. “Therefore, Mr. Outlaw has been bestowed with this distinguished recognition for his willful ignorance.”

While some might suspect Outlaw of simply trolling, friends and relatives say he is honestly that unaware of popular music. “He’s damn proud of it too,” said cousin LeeLee Outlaw. “Makes sure to brag about not ever having heard Florida-Georgia Line, or whoever …like it’s some accomplishment. He’s weird as hell.” 

“I don’t listen to the radio” said Outlaw over the phone. “And I haven’t owned a TV in my entire life, so no, I really don’t know who Luke White or whoever you said is. And I’ve also never heard of ‘Beyonsee’ or ‘The Weekend’ or ‘Luke Coats’ or anybody like that and I’m glad I haven’t. I only listen to country music.”

When asked if he meant Toby Keith, Tim McGraw, or Taylor Swift, he sniffed “Who the f*** are they?” 

Based on our interview, Outlaw does not, in fact, live under a rock and has not been asleep for 30 years (he’s only 23). He simply prides himself on avoiding any music that the general populous enjoys. 

Well enjoy that Panera, oh great sidestepper of the mainstream. You’ve earned it!

Mar 19, 2021

Alan Jackson to Release Album of Cringey Novelty Songs

There’s news on the Alan Jackson front. The long, tall country legend, who hasn’t released a full album since 2015’s Angels and Alcohol today announced Crazy as a Pet Coon, an album of novelty songs to be dropped in May. 

“We like to put a fun ‘un on every album, you know.” said Jackson, in the PR blast. “Well, we had about 50 of them that never made the cut for one reason or another, so I decided to collect the best and put ‘em out.” He went on: “If this one does well, we’ll put out another volume that’ll have songs about rhubarb pie, waiting in the DMV, and cutting your toenails on the bed.” 

Jackson’s more light-hearted songs of the past have touched on everything from sandwich meat to sandals, drawing guffaws for both humor and, let’s face it, pure inelegance. Kids today might even call them “cringe.” His uneasy relationship with technology has also been a consistent topic, in songs such as “www.memory” and “I Still Like Bologna.”

This collection looks to serve up an artery-clogging main course of the same kind of cheese. The title track, a southern colloquialism come to life, ponders life with a wild woman who’s as “cute as she is crazy.” “Don’t Let the Butterbean Juice Run on My Biscuit” pretty much gives the story away in its name, documenting a failing relationship in which each partner focuses on the minor details rather than work on the real issues. 

The album leads off with "I Got Redbugs," a big fear of every southern youngun’ who has taken a leak in the great outdoors. Jackson gets surprisingly crude in this one, singing of “parasites on muh pecker” and body parts “swole up like maters.” It certainly brings the laughter, if only in a shocked “oh my God, why did he sing about that and in that particular manner?” kind of way.

We also get a sequel to “I Don’t Even Know Your Name” on the album, titled, obviously, “I Still Don’t Even Know Your Name.” Then there's “I’ve Got a Hemi,” which we didn’t hear, but is clearly a sexual metaphor about pickup trucks.

Crazy as a Pet Coon is out May 14, and the full track list is below.

1. I Got Redbugs

2. Vienna Sausage Blues

3. I Still Don’t Even Know Your Name

(Sequel to “I Don’t Even Know Your Name”)

4. iPhone uPhone wePhone

5. Meat and Three

6. Don’t Let the Butterbean Juice Run on My Biscuit

7. She Left Me on Read

8. I’ve Got a Hemi

9. Warshcloth

10. Page Me a Beer

11. Crazy as a Pet Coon

Mar 12, 2021

Sleep Doctors Recommend Modern Country Radio as Sleep Aid

When patients come in complaining of sleep issues or constant tiredness, somnologists have many options. Sleep studies, diet and exercise changes, medication, breathing machines, and many other methods help doctors remedy those in their care. 

Lately, many sleep doctors are turning to an unusual therapy to cure insomnia: country music. Well, modern mainstream country radio, to be more precise. Studies have found the popular genre to be effective in nearly 72% of cases overall. 

Dr. Lenox Knox of Chicago was the first sleep specialist to discover the unlikely health aid. “I had a patient in my waiting room who told us he hadn’t slept in 4 straight days who was sound asleep.” said Knox. “We were playing a satellite country station over the speakers… I believe the artist was Dan and Jay or something like that.” “Long story short,” he continued. “We did a mini study on the patient, removed all other variables, and it was unquestionably the pop-country music that cured him.”

While official clinical trials are yet to take place, several of Knox’s associates report similar success. 

“We had a woman who was unresponsive to medication who basically passed out on the examination table when we played her the latest song from an artist called Niko Moon.” said Dr. Terry Temple of Shreveport. “We’re discovering that it’s not country music in general that is causing this effect on her and other patients, but specifically the style that is currently popular on mainstream radio stations.” 

“With mid-tempo “vibe” oriented soundscapes dominating the format right now, our patients are honestly just bored to sleep,” said Knox. “To put it un-clinically, their minds just shut off due to the drudgery and sameness.”

When questioned about why the style of music was so effective in helping the sleep-challenged resume a healthful pattern of rest, Temple theorized that “it’s the lack of sharp ‘real’ drum sounds, the sonic malaise of similar tempos, and the unchallenging subject matter, but that’s just a guess; I don’t mean to blindly group Kane Bryan, Dick Russelton, and all those other artists together.”

Feb 26, 2021

Every Person Who Listened to David Allan Coe’s “If That Ain’t Country” More Than Once Cancelled

Some 42.7 million caucasians were chastised, repudiated, and cancelled on Thursday as Spotify, Amazon, and Apple Music records indicated that they had listened to David Allan Coe’s “If That Ain’t Country” at least twice. Jobs were lost, threats were made, teenagers were doxxed, and 20+ tweet Twitter-threads were dashed off as the indignities came to light.

Transportation ground to a halt, financial systems shut down, service industries froze, and the economy tanked due to the sheer proportion of the population cancelled. President Biden called for calm during a White House press conference to discuss the crisis, then curiously asked “You don’t think they can scan a 1983 jam box do you?”

Most of the streaming sites quietly removed the original version of “If That Ain’t Country” in recent months, but still had the offending song plays archived. 

“We get it if someone listened to the song once; they may have been doing research,” said Equity in Country Music spokesperson Ajenta Koss. “But when it came to light that these people heard the ’n-word’ in the song and then had the audacity to listen again - clearly each and every one of them is a vile racist, unworthy of employment or the opportunity for redemption.” 

She went on to say that the streaming sites were also being asked to provide data showing who’d listened to Waylon Jennings as well. “We don’t have actual proof that he was racist,” she laughed. “But just look at him - you know he was. Those pictures with Muhammad Ali were clearly Photoshopped.”

The controversial Coe, who pretty much exists outside any formal institution he could be cancelled from, offered no comment. The country music legend was said to be looking forward to touring again later this year, rehearsing the three songs he usually gets around to playing, and practicing complaining and walking off stage early.

Feb 12, 2021

Big Loud Records Signs New Artist Wally Cole Morgan

At a press conference on Thursday, Nashville’s Big Loud Records introduced their newest artist signing, Wally Cole Morgan. The young singer out of La Follette, TN, smiled for cameras and label chief Seth England did the presentation.

“We’re proud to show off our newest money-maker, errr, artist, Mr. Wally Cole Morgan!” said England. “I know times are weird, especially for us, but we think Wally is going to more than make up for our recent losses.” England was referring to the suspension of cash-cow Morgan Wallen after video surfaced of Wallen using the “n-word” after a drunken night with friends. 

Morgan bears a strong resemblance to Wallen - uncanny in fact - but Stacy Blythe, vice-president of promotion, assured us that any similarities were borne of our own narrow mindedness. “Morgan comes to us a fully formed original, and he’s ready to record and tour and rake in the dough, uh… I mean, rake in the fans!” she smiled. “In fact, he’s already got a record in the can.” 

The album, entitled Also Dangerous, is due March 19th with a single “11 Summers” being released next Friday. Big Loud played us some snippets of the songs, and again, Wally sounded a great deal like Morgan Wallen. One might even suspect these songs were the outtakes from Wallen’s Dangerous double album. 

Blyth reiterated that our own biases were shining through and that Morgan’s music was entirely unique and in no way just tracks that were deemed too weak for Wallen’s album. “Sure Wally has a mullet - who doesn’t?” she laughed. “But you’ll see that he has green eyes and a mustache! Clearly not the same guy.”

At press time, Big Loud had just sent out an email blast saying that Morgan Wallen was still suspended and taking some time “walking in someone else’s shoes.”

Jan 29, 2021

Police Deploy Axe Sniffing Dogs to Find Illegal Bro-Country House Concerts

While Covid mandates continue to restrict large gatherings of people in most states, some bro-country artists have taken to having secret house concerts to avoid the watchful eye of the law, and the certain scorn of social media. Many of these shows have gone undetected, with the singers and audiences quieting down and hiding at first report of police in the area. As a result, law enforcement has had to employ a new tactic to bust these illegal concerts: Axe-sniffing dogs.

“We’ve found that teens and men who enjoy this kind of music tend to wear offensively strong smelling body sprays such as Axe, so we’ve trained Buster, our drug-sniffing K9, to identify similar odors.” said K9 Unit Lt. Parker Davis of the Smyrna Police Department. “It’s working like a charm so far.” 

The SPD has already shut down 2 Chase Rice concerts, a Chris Janson show, and a couple of other up-and-coming bro-country artists' parties. “There were 25 jacked-up pickup trucks in this cul-de-sac, so we knew something was going on when we followed up on a complaint from neighbors, but the area was completely silent when we started investigating,” said Davis. “Knocks didn’t root anything out, but Buster just smashed through the fence of one yard… you should have seen the wallet chains gleaming in the street lights as they all ran for it.”

Fines were levied, and four open container arrests were made. Similar stories have come in from the Tallahassee, FL area as well. “We taught our dog Hurley to detect body spray and White Claw,” said TPD’s K9 officer Levon Goins. “He’s rooted out 5 different illegal shows. I’ve never seen so many drunk white girls.”

One of the illicit concerts shut down in Tallahassee also led to arrests for crystal meth and prescription drug possession with intent. “That was one of those ‘hick hop’ shows, I think his name was Upshirt, Upchurch, something like that.” laughed Goins.

Jan 22, 2021

Americana Bands Suddenly Back Singing About Farm Implements and Black Lung

Almost as quickly as they’d flipped the ideological switches 4 years ago, Americana artists this week returned to familiar pastures, turning their attentions from Donald Trump to subjects more native to the genre. Just like that, well-meaning but sometimes overwrought protest anthems were replaced by the sweet sounds of murder ballads and odes to ghost cowboys.

Some 35 new singles showed up in this writer’s Spotify Release Radar this morning from roots and folk artists, nary a one of them mentioning a “Cheeto” or border walls. Almost as if some dark cloud lifted from their minds, the lyrics of their songs suddenly saw tractors plowing the earth, drunks lamenting their lost loves, and coal miners praying for salvation on their death beds. 

Jason Isbell began work on his promised album of Georgia artist cover songs, even finding himself jovial enough to cover Charlie Daniels’ “A Few More Rednecks.”  BJ Barham of American Aquarium announced that his band was working on a new EP completely themed around North Carolina State’s signature wins in football (may have to be reduced to a single IMO). Even Will Hoge cracked a smile, vowing to release an album of songs about old pickup trucks and moonshining this March.

For his part, country and Americana legend Steve Earle was way ahead of the curve. “Oh I knew the emperor’s end was coming and it was time to get back to what we do best - and that’s singing about things from the 1950s as if they’re still relevant.” Indeed, Earle’s last 4 albums have been either covers or songs about trains, mining, and medicine show barkers.

At press time, producer Dave Cobb was booked from now until Labor Day 2023. Americana is healing. 

Jan 15, 2021

FGL Once Again Unites Divided America in Hatred of Their New Song

Against all odds, hit country duo Florida-Georgia Line has once again brought together a frayed United States of America. Despite differences of opinion on subjects that hold together the very fabric of democracy, citizens of this great country put aside their differences, if only for the amount of time they could stomach the song, to announce their unbridled hatred of the act’s latest release entitled “New Truck.”

Across social media, shared disgust and cries for decency rang out as the insipid hip-hop flavored pop-country turd filtered through the populace. Neither Donald Trump, nor Joe Biden, nor an actual Constitutional crisis could divide a thoroughly repulsed nation as they uniformly decried Brian Kelley and Tyler Hubbard’s two-and-a-half minute journey through hell.

“We’re better than this,” said Biden-voter Verna Jackson. “I know things are tough right now and some people are trying to ignore the people’s will, but I will join hands with Republicans to cleanse America of this threat to our sanity and sense of decorum.”

“They should be censored!” shouted anti-censorship activist Carl Wilberson. “While I’m okay with all sorts of ‘deviant’ and ‘dangerous’ art and speech being allowed in the public forum, this goes beyond the limits of human decency. They should be put on house arrest for life.”

“It's injurious to the republic,” said Republican Ginnie Marks. “I’ve become more open-minded to differing viewpoints and I understand that people have their own opinions and lifestyles, but this is just sickening.” She went on to say that she’d turn in a gun or two if the song could be banned and purged from existence. 

For a moment, all Americans stood upon a shining hill, arm in arm, neither ethnicity nor gender nor religion separating us in our shared sense of aversion. 

At press time, a Florida-Georgia Line fan who told Americans to “just not listen to it” had been taken into custody by the FBI.

Jan 8, 2021

Folk Singer Denied Early Vaccination Despite Having an “Old Soul”

Folk singer Torland Minor says he’s been denied receiving the Covid vaccine in the early rollout despite having what he describes as an “old soul.” Minor, 24, made multiple attempts at signing up for both the Pfizer and Moderna inoculations but was kicked out of the sign-up process despite his claims. 

Minor, clad in oil-stained brown trousers, a plaid shirt with a vest, and a long London Fog raincoat, visited with us and stated his case for inclusion in the first wave of shots. “Both the online and phone bank sign-ups wouldn’t even give me a chance once I submitted my age, but what of the depth and vision of a man?” asked Minor. “What of his levels of empathy for the downtrodden and what of his love of Werther’s Originals?” 

Torlund has made a name for himself on the folk scene in recent years with his downbeat tales of train-hopping wanderers and climate-change threatened tribesmen. Pitchfork called his 2019 album Forked Toungues and Peacoats a “snapshot of a young man who’s given up on the wonder and yearnings of youth” and Under the Radar called him “an up and coming folkster who seems to carry the world with the burden of a man six decades his elder.”

“If that’s not proof enough, I don’t know.” laughed Minor. “I even shushed some kids in the bodega the other night.” 

When asked if he has any pre-existing conditions that might make him more susceptible to the coronavirus, Torlund simply replied “life is a pre-existing condition.” 

At press time Minor was mixing himself a Tom Collins.

Dec 18, 2020

Man Infuriated You Left Extremely Obscure Album off Your Year-End List

A self-described “real country fan” is miffed at you. You recently posted your “Top 10 Albums of 2020” on your blog, and he’s positively enraged that you didn’t include his favorite, despite it being a terribly obscure, poorly produced, entirely un-marketed album of lo-fi outlaw country.

“I can’t believe this s***,” said Carl Outlaw, the aforementioned real country fan. “They call themself a fan of country and Americana music and yet didn’t give Harl Bodens & The Can Draggers’ album even an honorable mention?? They probably should shut down the blog.”

The album, entitled Meth & Merle, was only released through Harl Bodens’ website in 8-track format or as a massive 1-track wav file, yet Outlaw expects you to have not only heard it, but to have found it to be among the best of approximately 2,394 country-related albums released in 2020. “I’m going too stop followering you.” read Carl’s blog comment. “If you ain’t as in formed as me about country music, why do I even need too bother?” (The incorrect grammar is Carl’s doing)

Meth & Merle is clearly the most authentic country album of the century,” Carl told us. “The band recorded it in a chicken coop while stoned out of their minds on shrooms. Also, nobody else I know likes them so that means they’re good.”

Little does Mr. Outlaw know, you actually have heard the album and just didn’t think it was very good. “It sounds like it was recorded in a dumpster, the singer can’t carry a tune in a barrel, the lyrics are predictable, and the ‘fiddle’ is just some drunk guy screeching.” you informed us.

Dec 11, 2020

Florida-Georgia Line Vows to Stay Together for the Kids* *money

Florida-Georgia Line revealed Tuesday that they had recently attended several sessions of couples’ therapy in hopes of healing their strained relationship. Several months of political disagreements played out publicly on social media during the recent Presidential election, and it seemed all was lost for the duo.

Happily for the fans, it seems things are looking up. “We’re all good now,” said Tyler Hubbard. “There were some tough days there, like you have in every relationship, but I think we’ve found a common goal and reason to stay together: we love the sweet money that we made together.”

“Little Benjamin would be so upset if we broke up,” said Brian Kelley. “And Ulysses… it’d tear his tiny heart in two.” Kelly went on to say that while there were still differences in he and Hubbard’s business-marriage, doing the right thing made it much easier to maintain the alliance. 

The happy couple plans to continue therapy for the foreseeable future, but feel certain they have turned the corner on their disagreements. “If Ty starts talking all his Demoncrat nonsense, I’ve been given some coping strategies to block him out and focus on my sweet little green babies.” smiled Kelley. 

“And if he says one more damn word about election fraud… no no no… breathe… moolah, cheddar, bucks…” said Hubbard, reciting the nicknames of his children to himself to remember what makes his current journey worth it.

At press time, Hubbard was crying while singing a lullaby to one of his bank statements.


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