Jun 17, 2022
Jun 10, 2022
“You orta be ashamed,” began Aunt Bernadette’s reply to your Facebook post. “That man has a wonderful Christian testimony.” She was commenting below the meme you posted about pop-country star Walker Hayes and was quite upset with you.
The meme, seen above right, portrays Hayes’ music as a far greater cultural annoyance than the constant news stories and social media posts about Elon Musk and Johnny Depp. You shared it from the Farce the Music page, so it’s not like you made it… why can’t she take a joke?
Auntie Bernadette, however, thinks you should focus only on the positive aspects of Mr. Hayes’ life. Oddly enough, she wasn’t able to focus on the positives of her ex-husband, who was also a good Christian, albeit one with a penchant for driving over to the riverboats in Vicksburg a bit too often.
“It’s not like I made fun of Walker’s faith,” you think, still firm in your opinion of his just-shit-awful music, “Aunt Bernie’s current “Godly” husband may or may not have once owned a white suit with a pointy hat, but we don’t talk about that, do we?”
At press time, Aunt Bernadette was praying for your eternal soul with a Salem Light hanging from the corner of her mouth, and considering calling your mother.
Jun 3, 2022
He sees you there at your table with your girlfriend, Mr. Authentic Country, and despite Brad’s creative shortcomings, he knows your story. You got dragged out to drink $18 cocktails and listen to music you consider beneath you by your attractive but basic love interest, but hey, you don’t have to take it out on him. He doesn’t come to your haberdashery or horse barn or whatever and talk shit about your work.
Brad just wants to play Thomas Rhett and Cole Swindell and Russell Tenpenny.. hell, he gets them mixed up too, but anyway, just let him and his band play selections from the 50 popular songs they know in peace and chill out, dude. Zach Bryan? Do you mean Luke? And who the hell is Colter Wall? You’re just making stuff up now.
You in your vintage Waylon Jennings t-shirt sitting there all high and mighty, drinking a Pabst. What did you expect? That they were going to crank out some Highway Troubadours, or Colby Jinks, or whatever depressing stuff you listen to? Get real man, Dem Broadway Boyz are here to sell beer, Fireball, and overpriced chicken tenders. For the love of God, no they won’t play “Feathered Indians.”
Brad leans over to his bassist during a rendition of Sam Hunt’s “Body Like a Back Road” and whispers “watch this guy, be ready to take him down” as you saunter to the side stage with a smirk on your face.
At press time, Brad was singing lyrics read off his phone as the band worked through a poor version of “Whiskey River” after you tipped them $30 to play it. But he’s still pissed.
May 6, 2022
Apr 29, 2022
|Courtney Wilhelm, liar|
In pursuit of truth, Farce the Music reviewed every song (53,297) Wilhelm played on Spotify since that fateful tweet and discovered that she did not, in fact, listen to every other genre. Among the styles of music not represented in her listening habits were folktronica, hypnagogic pop, progressive sludge metal, crunkcore, aggrotech, deep psychobilly, unblack metal, and post-alt-country.
When confronted with her own lies, Wilhelm was shaken. “Who the hell are you and why do you care what I listen to? This is weird,” she tweeted back at us when I showed her the statistics. “Leave me alone, freak.”
According to our thorough research, Ms. Wilhelm’s musical tastes were almost entirely in the realms of commercial pop music with occasional forays into indie rock (she seemed to be engaged in an off and on relationship with a hipstery looking gentleman during these times, but we weren’t stalking her or anything). Nary a time did she sample any of the following genres: Simpsons hip-hop, Genericana, dark cabaret, intersex EDM, catstep, fishing metal, vegan straight edge, or harmonica drone. This perjury must not stand.
When asked again to explain herself regarding the 2017 tweet, Wilhelm blocked us, clearly feeling the guilt of her fraud. She also took her Spotify account entirely private, but not before we caught another misstep, a quick listen to Taylor Swift’s debut album. While we’d argue with you all day long about whether it’s real country or not, Swift’s first release was clearly marketed as ‘country.’ Another damn lie from Courtney; when will it end?
I used a burner Twitter account to further question her regarding this latest revelation and the growing mountain of untruths she was piling up. Her response? Reported and blocked. Also, a local police officer just called to ask that I refrain from contacting Ms. Wilhelm in any way, so it appears this rapscallion will not meet her comeuppance.
At press time, I was harassing a teenager who tweeted that he only likes new country and rappers who sing instead of rapping.
Apr 22, 2022
On Friday morning, word began to spread of country superstar Tim McGraw beating a man nearly to death in Nashville. Though completely false, many Facebook users only read the first 8 words of the headline of this obviously fake news piece and spread it around like wildfire. They also noticed the poorly Photoshopped picture of Tim McGraw’s mug shot accompanying this article which lended credence to their belief that this entirely bullshit story must be so.
Most of the few readers who actually clicked on this story without excitedly sharing it first, only read the first sentence, which also fools unworldly folks into thinking that the following actually happened:
Country superstar Tim McGraw has been arrested for a shocking assault after putting a real good man in the hospital on Wednesday night. McGraw told police he was just sticking up for his wife when the man, Vernon Brinks, said Faith Hill’s acting was a little dry in Yellowstone: 1883. After striking Brinks over and over, the victim suffered a broken wrist, a concussion, internal bleeding, and several external bruises. Brinks is said to have neither liked it, loved it, nor wanted any more of it and is expected to be released from the hospital this weekend. In a statement after making bail, McGraw apologized for the incident and blamed “the cowboy in me.”
Despite the previous paragraph being written in a less than journalistic quality, several persons who have continued reading started thinking that maybe this stupid and transparently satirical bit might have some veracity. 5 of them go back and share the story on Facebook with an “OMG!” Most didn’t even notice that there were 4 Tim McGraw song titles hidden in that paragraph, further giving clue that this stunning bit of news never occurred.
In previous weeks, this very website (which features the word ‘farce’ in its title) has been barraged by thick-headed people replying as if satirical stories were the gospel. One of those people is reading this sentence now and I’m going to tell him that Garth Brooks cheated on Trisha with Kenny Chesney and he’ll believe it, because his brain has been warped and clouded by social media, politics, and the degradation of real media over the past 10-15 years.
At press time, 1 of the 9 people who made it this far into the article also believed that Thomas Rhett is a meth-addicted serial killer because this sentence purports it to be true.
Apr 19, 2022
Apr 15, 2022
According to several walkouts, Sam began the show by saying “We’re gonna play y’all some country music tonight!” The venue roared with their appreciation, confident in their 2022 radio-defined understanding of ‘country music,’ but many were soon left scratching their heads, and yes, leaving the arena over what transpired.
“When they played “House Party” in that old timey style, I just thought he was doing something a little different to open the show,” said an exasperated Tawny London of Mobile. “But then there was this person playing a violin or something on the next song too, and Sam wasn’t rapping, and I don’t know what the hell was going on.” London said she stayed for a couple more songs until it was clear the whole set would be played in this “redneck old cheugy people music” style.
“There was this guy on stage who was sitting at a table with strings on it or something and these sad, weird sounds were coming out of it,” said an also upset Chad Davis of Biloxi. “It was like a dying guitar and the squeals coming out of it made me feel emotions and I didn’t like it. If I wanted to see a good ol' classic country concert, I'd go see Luke Bryan.”
Hunt, for his part, sang the usually spoken or rapped parts of his hit songs. Around 30 minutes into his hour and 45 minute set, the exodus began, leaving The Wharf half empty by the encore. Hunt never said anything about the departures or the scattered boos, only plowing through the songs with cheerful aplomb and occasionally mentioning the origins of the songs between selections.
“There wasn’t no dancers, there wasn’t no outfit changes,” said a crying Ginger Lee of Auburn. “He ain’t even tell us to throw our hands in the air and wave em all around like we just don’t care. What kind of country concert was this supposed to be??”
At press time, Sam Hunt had not responded to our requests for an interview and had recently hired Dave Cobb to produce his next record.
Apr 8, 2022
Though we’ve barely stepped foot into Spring, the deadline for stupid-ass, shallow, moronic, brand name filled, pandering pop-country summer songs is quickly nearing. With the slow movement of the charts these days, a song released now might have a chance of peaking by late August or early September, unless your name is Luke Combs or Morgan Wallen.
Word out of Nashville says around 43 B, C, and D-list artists were preparing to drop tunes about skinny dipping, trucks, feet on dashes, cut off jeans, girls in trucks, trucks in mud, bonfires in fields, sex in a field, beer in a truck, and the July moon in the next couple of weeks. Though most of these will never climb into the top 40, the braindead, embarrassing, numbskull summer song is a tried and true tradition for artists every year, even if they’re simply going through the motions.
Even country legends have fallen into this trite formula in the past, with Clint Black (“Summer’s Coming”) and Travis Tritt (“Girls Gone Wild”) putting out their doofiest, most cringe-worthy songs simply with the hopes that country fans would like to listen to songs about what they’re doing in summer while they’re doing it.
Up and comer Chance Russell is excited about his forthcoming debut single “Livin’ for the Summer.” “It’s about you know, living, and summer, and making sure to be living for the summer.” said a smiling Russell as he signed off on the final mix, replete with computerized drums and meticulously corrected vocals.
In writer’s rooms across Nashville, some were still trying to bang out empty-headed bangers at the last minute. 9 dudes were attempting to find a rhyme for ‘hard seltzer’ in one plush office, while 13 guys and one girl were adding some last minute slang to their shit-for-brains summer slapper in the suite next door.
Other titles to be on the lookout for include:
“Married in Myrtle”
“White Claw Can, Fresh Spray Tan”
“Redneck Vibe Check”
“Dirt Road Drip”
“Left My Heart on Miramar”
Apr 1, 2022
Mar 25, 2022
Mar 18, 2022
The “Mother Church of Country Music,” the Ryman Auditorium has long been a landmark and hallowed ground for country music and Nashville, but it will soon give way to progress. In a stunning move, Ryman Hospitality Properties, Inc. Thursday announced that it would sell the property to Woo Girl Holdings Company, LLC.
Demolitions experts have already begun preparations to bring down the 130 year old structure, with dozers, excavators, and haulers to follow, leaving not a single brick in place. “It will be an entirely new edifice,” said Cransford. “The age and, let’s face it, ‘general air of twang and sawdust’ are not conducive to our contemporary and fashionable project. We’re starting over from the ground up, to reference a Dan + Shay masterpiece.”
The Ryman, which was the home of the Grand Ole Opry from 1943-1974, has continued to host concerts and gatherings through the years, holding on to its honored place in country music fans’ hearts. “Dan + Shay’s Tequila Ballroom will certainly give a nod to the past; we plan to have a plaque dedicated to the history of the Ryman in the 2nd floor hallway to the restroom.” said Cransford. “We feel it very important to acknowledge our roots, yet reach for the sky at the same time.”
Another nearby country music mecca, Ernest Tubb Record Shop, was also sold recently, with plans to turn the spot into a selfie mural and kombucha bar or some shit.
Mar 11, 2022
With gas prices hitting an average over $4.25 a gallon nationally, struggling independent country and roots rock band The Whiskey Hawks reckons they’ll just buy an electric van now.
The Whiskey Hawks, who have made a profit of $631.09 doing spotty tours over the last two pandemic stricken years, expect to pool their individual savings, kids’ college accounts, and the tips drummer Gus makes at the BBQ restaurant, and will only have five-thousand or so left to go. They plan to start a Go Fund Me to make up that difference.
“It’s surely a sound investment; I’m thankful these wealthy famous folks who live in metropolitan areas where it’s easy to walk or take a subway let me know these great tips on saving money!” laughed bassist James Squier. “Don’t get me wrong, we definitely support Ukraine, despite the fact that you sense that we may be being facetious about buying a van, but let me assure you we are not.”
Russia’s invasion of Ukraine has sent oil prices soaring in recent days, never mind that they were already soaring before that. Some analysts remind us that gas prices this high preceded the so-called Great Recession a few years back, but The Whiskey Hawks just laugh off all the doom-saying.
“Shiittt, I can’t wait to plug that bad boy in and drive for three hours then plug that bad boy in then drive for three more hours, then plug that bad boy in, then get to Nashville to play for beer and $500,” smiled guitarist Steve Hobert. “It’s definitely our place to suffer for the government and oil companies’ greed and failure to have the resources and system in place to avoid such economic calamities.”
At press time, the guys were deciding which of them were healthy enough to sell plasma.
Mar 4, 2022
Feb 25, 2022
Greenwood stretched, removed the tubes from his arms, and threw open the window. One sniff and his eyes lit up. “This one’s different but so familiar… there’s a ….chill… in the air.” he thought. He then walked to the front room and visually verified that his trailer packed with American flag clothing and paraphernalia was pre-loaded and hitched to his Suburban. “It’s go time,” he spoke.
Now Mr. Greenwood has pulled a recliner into the foyer of his expansive Franklin home and simply waits. He stares up at his signed portrait of General Norman Schwartzkopf and nods. “I’ll be ready if called, Stormin’ Norman.” he whispered. Lee’s wife only shook her head and brought her husband another bottle of red Gatorade.
At press time, Toby Keith had received the Boot Signal and was sobering up for another run of ass kicking, if needed.
Unnecessary disclaimer: War isn't funny and I pray for the people of Ukraine, but we need a little levity in any situation. Also, patriotism isn't a bad thing with the right intentions.
Feb 18, 2022
Hello, longtime follow. I know we have generally gotten along for years on this godforsaken social media network. I know we haven’t actually discussed politics, even though I think I know yours and I KNOW you know mine. I know we both love country and Americana music and don’t care for pop-country and that we could probably share a beer and have a nice time.
HOWEVER…. I saw who you really are yesterday and for that I must bid adieu.
You’ve rarely mentioned Donald Trump, despite (I assume) being a conservative. You’ve never made any overtly racist, homophobic, transphobic, or sexist Tweets that I can recall. You don’t even follow Jordan Peterson or Don Jr. (I actually do, so I can be angry all the time).
BUT…. It’s clear what you feel in your heart of hearts.
When you tweeted “I’m not a fan of either guy, but that new Ernest & Morgan Wallen song is surprisingly good and surprisingly country,” it became clear to me that I was following a vile racist. You may not have said as much, and may never have said as much in the 4 years and 10 months I have followed you, and may have never uttered a single racist word, joke, or thought in your entire life, but there is no doubt in my mind that your hatred for black people is incompatible with my de haut en bas morality.
The entire weight of 400 years of servitude, imprisonment, discrimination, othering, red-lining, and dismissal fell upon my shoulders as I read those 21 words from your repugnant mind. I was literally weeping and shaking, knowing my internet acquaintance had betrayed my trust and the trust of 80 million+ Americans.
That you even clicked ‘play’ on a song that included MoreKlan Wallen was one thing. That you were able to overcome the bile rising in your throat and the sense of performative rage creeping into your mind to dare utter that you found the song “surprisingly good” is a testament to your inhumanity.
I know you’ve shared memes making fun of Wallen. I know you spoke ill of Wallen when the “n-word” video came out, but this dark world calls for action, not words. Your words leave you on the side of David Duke, Scott Baio, Nathan Bedford Forrest, and Kid Rock. Just because your ears and mind find something pleasurable doesn’t mean you have to allow yourself to like it, much less announce that to society. I pray you find your way back to the correct side of history.
Feb 11, 2022
2021 was a life-changing year for former Rascal Flatts guitarist and vocalist Joe Don Rooney. His superstar trio forewent a goodbye tour and simply broke up, a pandemic raged on, and Rooney himself hit hard times as he got a DUI after crashing into a tree in September.
Rather than cleaning up, smoothing out the edges, and simply slipping into the role of music producer as many assumed he would, Rooney has instead leaned into the final act of his 2021. What most figured was a blip, a (serious) slip-up, Joe Don says was actually emblematic of how he’s living these days.
“F*** it all,” laughed a bearded and disheveled Rooney. “The veil is off, this is me b**ches! There’ll be no more soft 3 part harmonies about Mayberry or bobbing your head or any of that sh*t. I’m bout to get my Paycheck on!”
Rooney, long a part of the family-friendly, sugary super-trio Flatts, bristled at any questions about the music that brought him fame and prosperity, instead choosing to focus on rattling off his favorite truck stops.
“There’s one in Jackson (TN) where you can score a broad and an 8-ball inside 5 minutes, and they’ve got the best apple danishes on this f***ing earth!” he laughed, puffing on a Marlboro with the filter ripped off. “And the Love’s in Opelika …primo greenies, and that’s all I’ll say about that.”
When asked about the direction of his forthcoming music, JD, as he’ll be known henceforth, told us “It’s raw and ragged and real; songs about West Memphis drag queens, Tulsa flophouses, and long sorrowful nights on the right of that long white line. The first single is “I Got a Soft Spot for Firm Feeling Women.””
Questioned more directly about his run-in with the law and the rumors of his aggressive dissatisfaction in the waning days of Rascal Flatts, all Rooney would say is “You go****n right.” He then threatened to take care of me “prison style” (whatever that means) if I mentioned the Flatts again. We ended the interview at that point.
At press time, “JD Rooney” was getting a neck tattoo of a preacher flipping the bird from an unlicensed artist out of the trunk of a big body Chevy.
Feb 4, 2022
Jan 28, 2022
Jan 21, 2022
Unfortunately, the couple had no idea who he was and had him violently removed from the reception hall as he attempted to finish the first verse. Dallas’ manager had apparently not communicated with the couple of the plan to record a viral video of the song at their wedding celebration and they were not amused.
“I thought everybody liked three minute, positive, not-very-country, mid-tempo love songs and mine’s been verrrry popular so I thought surely they were fans,” said a distraught and bleeding Jordan. “I asked my manager if he had set it up ahead of time and he just told me ’Don’t worry, it’ll be great! Everybody loves you!’.”
The couple did not love him. “I still don’t know who the hell that is,” said the exasperated groom, Jerry Pickens. “He just busted in here when the DJ was about to play Etta James’ “At Last” for our first dance, and he started warbling his goofy pop song. As soon as he hit the words ‘truck’ and ‘baby’ I went into action.” Pickens himself grabbed Jordan by his collar and slung him off the makeshift stage at the Pelham Bay reception venue.
Said the bride, Tara, “Our whole playlist after Etta was outlaw country, soul music, and red dirt, so I don’t think his management did its research.”
Jordan described his exit from the function as “impolite, harsh, and definitely not pushin’ P,” whatever that means. The singer was unceremoniously dragged into the parking lot by the groomsmen, doused with champagne and thrown into a dumpster.
“Get that pop country bullshit outta here,” yelled Jerry toward the dumpster as the limo pulled away for the couple’s honeymoon.
At press time, Dallas Jordan was scheduled to embark upon his first headlining tour despite 99.734% of the nation having never heard of him.