The Crud Report: June '25

Country Music Fan Hospitalized After Online Gatekeeping Incident

Orly Perkins, before the life-altering gatekeeping

An Arkansas country music fan is in stable condition with multiple injuries to his feelings after an online gatekeeping incident. When a despicable meme making fun of his favorite singer crossed his timeline, Orly Perkins of Crawfordsville fell into a trigger induced coma on the spot, highlighting the dangers of gate-keeping.

Speaking from his West Memphis hospital bed, Perkins ran down the troubling attack to us. “Yeah man, I don’t ever go on Facebook except for my political news, but I was reading about fluoride making us all gay, when all of the sudden this meme making fun of Morgan Wallen showed up. I don’t even follow this “Fart the Music” guy so why am I seeing this loser?” he explained.

“Why anyone would spend their time trying to get me to stop listening to the G.O.A.T. is beyond me, and I immediately fell off my chair, liberals would call it a panic attack, but it was worse than that,” continued Perkins. “Gatekeeping almost killed me and should be outlawed!”

Perkins’ tragic situation is a real-world example of the dangers of controlling and limiting general access to something, including art and music. Farce the Music, the website and Facebook page in question, regularly “jokes” about great artists and forces people to stop listening to them. Under the veil of “satire,” Mr. Farce coerces fans of legendary singers like Thomas Rhett and Jason Aldean to listen to artists no one has ever heard of, like Turnpike Troubadours.

Orly Perkins has retained legal counsel in the wake of his severe injuries and plans to sue Farce the Music for medical costs, loss of work (Perkins is a copper wire harvester), and mental damages. “I’ve literally never heard a single other human call Morgan’s music or character into question, so clearly this farce guy was attempting to pressure me into listening to Waylon Jinks, or whoever. The shock nearly did me in. I’ll see his ass in court.” said Perkins.

At press time, Farce the Music was hard at work inducing 20-somethings into thinking Zach Bryan’s songs all sound alike.

The Crud Report: May '25

The Crud Report: April '25

Newly Discovered STI Named After Kid Rock

The medical community is buzzing, though perhaps with a slight shudder, following the announcement of a newly identified sexually transmitted infection. 

Researchers at the Detroit Center for Infectious Disease Control have officially named the affliction "Bawitdarrhea,” after a hit song by the American singer-songwriter, Kid Rock. While details remain scarce and the research is still in its first steps, Dr. Sheila Evergreen, the lead researcher on the project, offered a brief statement. 

"The unusual and, frankly, kind of funny nature of this STI's transmission and symptoms led us to consider a namesake that embodied a similar level of… complexity," Dr. Evergreen stated, pausing before continuing. "After much deliberation, 'Bawitdarrhea' seemed the most fitting choice." 

The symptoms of Bawitdarrhea are reportedly varied and, in some cases, hilarious. Preliminary findings suggest sufferers may experience any combination of: a shrinking of sexual organs, constant contradictory thoughts, a sudden affinity for cheap beer, itchy facial rashes, and a desire to loudly share opinions that no one else is interested in. 

“We don’t know the long-term effects of Bawitdarrhea,” said current US Department of Health and Human Services chief Heather Melanson, who was briefed on the case. “The best course of action is always prevention.” Contacted for comment, a representative for Kid Rock offered a pithy response, “Mr. Richie is actually honored by this news. Catch it to own the libs!” 

Further research is planned to fully understand the transmission, symptoms, and potential treatment options for Bawitdarrhea. Early reports suggest the infection began during 2024’s Kid Rock/Jason Aldean outdoor festivals - and may have been spread primarily during drunken sexual trysts in portable johns. In the meantime, medical professionals are advising individuals to practice safe sex and to consult with a doctor if they suspect they may have contracted the infection.

At press time, all port-a-potties for upcoming Kid Rock shows were being fitted with condom dispensers. 

The Crud Report: March '25

John Rich Sets Self on Fire in Protest of Beyonce’s Grammy Country Win

John Rich, occasional country singer/songwriter and esteemed political genius, is in serious but stable condition after setting himself on fire this past Wednesday, according to a source only we know about. Doctors we definitely talked to say Rich is expected to recover, but will require multiple skin grafts and a lengthy hospital stay.

Rich left a note nearby written on official Redneck Riviera Whiskey stationery explaining the reason for the fiery display, saying it was in protest of Beyoncé winning Best Country Album at the recent Grammy Awards, per this sentence we just typed. The note went on to say that “Country music is losing its authenticity with every person like her we allow in - you know, Democrats. Her boom-booming music and slang-filled lyrics are not welcome in our great genre, which boasts such legends as Morgan Wallen and Jason Aldean. Why were they not selected for this award? Oh I know. DEI! They’re ruining America already and I’m not gonna let them ruin the music I hold in such high regards that I wrote its greatest song “Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy).” I hope my action will lead the Grammys to reconsider. Signing off, JR.”

The letter, which really does exist, is now framed and hanging in the office of President Donald Trump. 

Though John’s protest is the most extreme thus far, other country singers have also put their foot down about the injustice, as told about in many reliable Facebook posts. The King of Country Music, Mr. George Strait said “Handing Beyoncé a Grammy for best country album is an insult to real country music,” and Reba McEntire said it was quote “a slap in the face.”

And yesterday we learned that Chris Stapleton has filed an official objection to Beyonce’s Grammy win, stating that “We need to ensure that the awards reflect the true essence of the genre…” (Source: @Facebook.com/countrymusicmaga) With such stalwarts of the all-American genre standing up for justice, surely you will share this story with your entire political bubble and follow our page! Do not believe Snopes if they attempt to fact-check any of this, because they are part of the deep state.

We wish John Rich well in his recovery, and GOD BLESS AMERICA AND COUNTRY MUSIC!

*This is fake news, as is 99% of what you read on Facebook. This is also satire, which you won't find much of on Facebook.

The Crud Report: February '25

Grundy County Sale Barn Investigated for Human Trafficking

The Grundy Co. Sheriff's department is seeking this person of interest

The Grundy County Auction Sale Barn is under fire for a troubling recent event and police are now investigating the venue for possible human trafficking.

While normally a facility for bidding on livestock and farm equipment, the sale barn on Friday January 22 allegedly became the scene of a crime. As the crowd was beginning to make their bids on a sturdy one-ton Hereford bull, one man in the crowd began making motions towards a woman down on the second row.

"He was yelling about how fine this woman was, man," said Will Royer, a buyer from out past the Wonder Cave. "I thought we couldn't sexually harass women in 2025, but anyway... he kept pointing her out and saying she was an 8 or 9 or 10 and he wanted to buy her or maybe she bought him; it was confusing."

Auctioneer Dwight Smith said he told the man to stop disrupting business, but he just kept at it. "We didn't have nothing to do with whatever went down, I was just going a mile a minute trying to sell some breeding stock of the bovine sort and he was pestering this pretty lady." said Smith.

Details are sketchy about what happened next, but what is known is that the gentleman left with the woman, who was described as a 30-something caucasian woman in a black dress with blonde hair and blue eyes. The man was said to be a middle-aged caucasian around 6 feet tall, wearing a blue and black flannel. A grainy photo was provided and authorities have said to call any Grundy Co. officials if you recognize the man.

"We're not even sure anything illegal happened, or if money was exchanged," said deputy Sheriff Richard Fagan. "All we know is that a sketchy hookup happened, and we need to know if the sale barn is in the habit of doing a different kind of load out."

At press time, the sale barn's plans for an auction next Saturday were proceeding with caution. 

Morgan Wallen Fan Secretly Wishes Current Single Was Produced by Diplo and Featured 21 Savage

Morgan Wallen fan Walker Dylan has publicly declared Wallen's current single "Smile" to be fire and "he don't miss," but secretly wishes it was more bussin'. Across social media, he proclaimed the track as "dope ASL" and said he was glad Wallen made country music rizzed up again but Dylan is honestly kind of disappointed.

"I mean, I ain't gone throw shade on my dude, but I can't listen to "Smile" around my boys," said Dylan. "It ain't even got any beats or a guest rapper." He went on to say he wished the song was produced by Diplo or Tay Keith, and maybe had some 21 Savage bars.

"I could bump it in my Raptor then, but it's kinda mid and gay FR," he explained. "But if I get crashed out on some White Claw and in my feelings, maybe maybe I'll listen in my AirPods so nobody thinks I'm lame."

Walker, a 23 year old sophomore at Arkansas State Mid-South Community College, says he mostly listens to artists like old Post Malone, Lil Baby, Don Toliver, Lefty Gunplay, and Gelo, but claims "country is my heart and soul no cap." He went on to name Bailey Zimmerman, Alan Strait, classic Florida-Georgia Line, and Tim Degraw as some of the country performers he enjoys.

"Country ain't really the vibe unless some hoes pull through," laughed Mr. Dylan. "But Wallen is the GOAT; hope his next joint bring that fire like "Cowgirls."

At press time, Walker Dylan was getting a ticket for cutting through the Dairy Queen parking lot because he was late for College Algebra.




I realize half this slang isn't current; I'm just trying to annoy people, as usual

The Crud Report: January 2025

Jelly Roll to Record Duet With You

Pop-country superstar Jelly Roll has announced that his next studio recording will be a duet with you.

He plans to show up at your house around 7ish this evening to begin workshopping the project. Singing lessons will be unnecessary as Mr. Roll believes you have a “hip everyman/woman vibe" that will translate well to his 376th song in the last 2 years.

The song will be a rock-fueled soul-country song written by 32 of Nashville’s top songwriters. It will be released as a one-off single, but if it gains traction, he may put it on a deluxe edition of an upcoming album.

You and Jelly will perform the song together at one of his 76 upcoming appearances on either a bowl game, morning show, awards show, parade, or late night show. You may even be brought out to duet the tune at a few concerts in the next few months.

You will join a celebrated throng of artists who have shared recorded media with the former hick-hop rapper, such as MGK, Brooks & Dunn, Lainey Wilson, Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, Eminem, Dustin Lynch, his tattoo artist, Jessie Murph, Tech N9ne, Post Malone, Skylar Grey, OneRepublic, Halsey, Bailee Ann, Falling in Reverse, Brantley Gilbert, Struggle Jennings, Joyner Lucas, his accountant, Upchurch, Keith Urban, Wiz Khalifa, Alexandra Kay, Ilsey, Merkules, Hollywood Undead, ERNEST, Craig Morgan, Lil Wyte, Tommy Vext, Cody Johnson, and a few thousand others.

After say, March 2025, you will resume your normal life, while Mr. Roll will return to the studio to begin work on his next album, EP, live album, and several dozen more collaborations.

Adapted from an old Country California story about Willie Nelson.

The Crud Report: December '24, 2nd Edition

The Crud Report: December '24

The Crud Report, November '24, 2nd Edition

 

Fake News Classic: Country Singers Unsure How to Monetize Bin Laden's Death

Country Singers Confused About Patriotic Single Choices in Wake of Bin Laden Killing

Posted on Country California, Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Several well-known country singers have expressed a sense of befuddlement about their course of action after the recent killing of Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden.

"Normally, I'd have three or four situation-appropriate patriotic singles I could rush to radio –- and I do,

don't get me wrong –- but we get into a conundrum here based on the party affiliation of the current

President," said one noted hitmaker who wished to remain anonymous.

"I've got one in the can called 'We Got Our Man' but I mean, what if they didn't really get him? You've

heard the conspiracy theories," he continued. "And another one's called 'We Salute You,' but that might

be misconstrued as support for Obama or something, and that's career suicide in the country market."

Representatives for Darryl Worley have confessed similar issues. "Darryl needs a hit right now so he

doesn't have to go into underwear modeling -- not that there's anything wrong with that -- but he's a

country singer and he's a patriot and America needs him to wave the flag now more than ever," said an

anonymous member of Worley's management.

"We have a sequel to 'Have You Forgotten?' called 'We Remember' slated for release in late July to

capitalize on express his feelings on the ten year anniversary of 9/11, but that's two months from now...

Darryl needs something on the market to keep his name out there, and the bin Laden killing is just too

much of a mixed bag for us to formulate an approach on."

Other artists such as Aaron Tippin, Toby Keith and Lee Greenwood were also seeking outlets for their

desire to represent this occasion in song at press time, but their camps were mum on possibilities.

Montgomery Gentry, however, was going full steam ahead with its release of "America, Hell Yeah,"

which hits radio five minutes ago.

The Crud Report: November '24

This is What You Get When There's Nothing Interesting Going on Lately

The Crud Report: October '24

The Ragweed headline is just trash talk; I'm not even going and I'm excited.

Local Man Arrested for Assault Over “Copperhead Road” Line Dance

Local small-engine repairman and country music fan Reginald Spears spent some time in the clink this past weekend for a peculiar reason. Spears, 49, was taken into custody without incident Saturday night at Jerry’s on the Bypass, after police say he assaulted another man for trying to start a line dance to the Steve Earle song “Copperhead Road.”

“It’s not a f***ing line dance song” said an exasperated and unapologetic Spears when we talked to him Monday by phone. “They got 400 remixes of silly 90s country songs you can do that to, partner. So take your square toe boots and jeans with designs on the butt and go boot scoot back where you came from.”

Mr. Spears has had frequent run-ins with local law enforcement over the years, and oddly enough, it has almost always had something to do with music. This includes but is not limited to the destruction of a jukebox, fighting with a cover band, and ‘unplugging’ a radio tower. Spears has served time, payed fines, and spends most of his free time on probation.

Jerry Briggs, owner of Jerry’s on the Bypass, described the scene this past weekend for us. “The cover band started playing ‘Copperhead Road’ and Reggie was over there shooting pool, keeping a sharp eye toward the dance floor.” said Briggs. “Soon as he seen this tall dude from out of town waving his girlfriend toward the floor, he put his stick down.”

Briggs said the moment the victim, identified as Bo Champlin of Hart County, put his hand on his hat and lifted a leg, Spears was in his face. “‘Nah man, we don’t do that here,’ I told him,” said Spears, giving his side of the story. “Just because you can dance to a song don’t mean you should.”

Things escalated quickly when Champlin replied with a “F—- you, Karen.” 

Police report that Spears tackled Champlin into the (non-working) cigarette machine, and then calmly went back to his pool game. The victim suffered a concussion from the impact. 

“Oh it happens about once a month, but usually the victim doesn’t have an uncle on the board of supervisors.” laughed Briggs. “We love Reg but he’s kind of a bully sometimes.”

At press time, Reginald Spears was pulling into his usual parking space at the courthouse.