7 New Lee Greenwood Parody Album Covers

The Crud Report, June '22

Lee Greenwood on Standby, Toby Keith Called Up to Reserve

Patriot and country singer Lee Greenwood is literally shaking with anticipation. Normally, this time of year, the singer would be in a deep off-season slumber, building up his energies for upcoming patriotic holidays, but world affairs have made things different this year. 

Late Thursday evening, an alarm went off in Greenwood’s cryogenic chamber, alerting him that a military conflict was underway that could have ramifications for the United States. His room was bathed in red, white, and blue lights, awakening him in fervor. Pumps whirred to life as Lee was pumped with vitamins and nutrients, preparing him for the potential task ahead.

Greenwood stretched, removed the tubes from his arms, and threw open the window. One sniff and his eyes lit up. “This one’s different but so familiar… there’s a ….chill… in the air.” he thought. He then walked to the front room and visually verified that his trailer packed with American flag clothing and paraphernalia was pre-loaded and hitched to his Suburban. “It’s go time,” he spoke. 

Now Mr. Greenwood has pulled a recliner into the foyer of his expansive Franklin home and simply waits. He stares up at his signed portrait of General Norman Schwartzkopf and nods. “I’ll be ready if called, Stormin’ Norman.” he whispered. Lee’s wife only shook her head and brought her husband another bottle of red Gatorade. 

At press time, Toby Keith had received the Boot Signal and was sobering up for another run of ass kicking, if needed.

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Unnecessary disclaimer: War isn't funny and I pray for the people of Ukraine, but we need a little levity in any situation. Also, patriotism isn't a bad thing with the right intentions. 

Country TwitterFails: February '22

*Warning: bad stuff below*

Racist much?

Top 11 Least Popular Country Music Hall of Fame Exhibits

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 11. Ten Years of Bro-Country: A Retrospective

10. Florida-Georgia Line’s first Big Johnson t-shirts from when they were toddlers

9. The “Are You Tall and Handsome Enough to be a Mainstream Country Star?” Kiosk

8. Brantley Gilbert’s used dip can and Ed Hardy wallet (w/chain)

7. The Toby Keith “Put a Boot in in a Muslim’s Ass” Game

6. Cledus T. Judd kissing booth

5. A Salute to the Bachelorettes of Broadway documentary

4. “Are You More Smarter Than Luke Bryan?” interactive game

3. A collection of sexy Lee Greenwood photos

2. Animatronic hollering Garth Brooks

1. Outlaw Country: A Scratch-n-Sniff Photo Exhibit

The Crud Report: July 2021

The Transformation of Lee

The Crud Report: June 2021

Top 10 Biggest Jerks in 80s Country

Let’s dispense with the introductory paragraph. You know the deal by now. Jerks!

10. William Lee Golden (of the Oak Ridge Boys)

Had women who touched his beard arrested. When fans requested for him to ‘say something!’ In his deep voice, he just whispers “I’m not the deep voiced one, dumbass.” 

9. John Conlee

The former mortician talked about embalming bodies in great detail between songs in concert. Refused to perform “Rose Colored Glasses” until all the women on the front row showed their boobs. 

8. Juice Newton

First person to utter “country music has to evolve.” Once spit her gum in Crystal Gayle’s hair.

7. Lee Greenwood

Would only go onstage if he was announced as “His excellency, the most patriotic American to have ever lived.” Chews loudly; can’t stand the sound of other people chewing.

6. Hank Jr.

Hit on women with the line “Do you wanna be one of my rowdy friends?” Performed exactly 2 songs sober during the whole decade (this may be true). Used bandmates shirts when the tour bus ran out of toilet paper.

5. Rosanne Cash

Insisted on driving her own tour bus so she could tailgate Yugos. Dipped during interviews. Tour rider sheet only said “I’m not going to tell you; you should just know.” 

4. Mark Miller (of Sawyer Brown)

Frequently trashed his hotel room and had to be reminded that he owned the bus he was sleeping in. Came on stage with a forty ounce and threw the bottle into the crowd when it was finished. Sang a dirty version of “Out Goin’ Cattin’” if he noticed lots of kids in the audience. 

3. Mickey Gilley

Rode the bull at his bar on ‘easy’ level, but claimed to be the champ. Constantly clicked his pen at business meetings. Called George Strait a “Mickey Gilley wannabe” to his face. 

2. Janie Fricke

Referred to herself as the “Frickin’ Queen of Country.” Never returned casserole dishes she borrowed. Sprayed the crowd with Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers during her encore. Tipped hairstylists with unsold merch.

1. John Schneider

Open hand slapped a fan who said “for a country singer, you’re a pretty good actor.” In real life, always drove way under the speed limit. Ate Funyuns before every face to face interview. Accused Waylon of riding his coattails. Anyone he considered less attractive than him was instructed to maintain a 6 foot distance. 

It's Lee Greenwood Season

Fake News Classics: Nashville Unsure How to Monetize Killing of bin Laden

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California May 24, 2011 

Several well-known country singers have expressed a sense of befuddlement about their course of action after the recent killing of Al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden. 

"Normally, I'd have three or four situation-appropriate patriotic singles I could rush to radio –- and I do, don't get me wrong –- but we get into a conundrum here because I don’t really understand what the hell is going on,” said one noted hitmaker who wished to remain anonymous. 

"I've got one in the can called 'We Got Our Man' but I mean, what if they didn't really get him? You've heard the conspiracy theories," he continued. "And another one's called 'We Salute You,' but that might be misconstrued as support for Obama or something, and that's career suicide in the country market." 

Representatives for Darryl Worley have confessed similar issues. "Darryl needs a hit right now so he doesn't have to go into underwear modeling -- not that there's anything wrong with that -- but he's a country singer and he's a patriot and America needs him to wave the flag now more than ever," said an anonymous member of Worley's management. 

"We have a sequel to 'Have You Forgotten?' called 'We Remember' slated for release in late July to capitalize express his feelings on the ten year anniversary of 9/11, but that's two months from now... Darryl needs something on the market to keep his name out there, and the bin Laden killing is just too much of a mixed bag for us to formulate an approach on." 

Other artists such as Aaron Tippin and Lee Greenwood were also seeking outlets for their desire to represent this occasion in song at press time, but their camps were mum on possibilities. 

Toby Keith, however, was going full steam ahead with its release of "America, Hell Yeah," which hits radio five minutes ago. 

WWE Country Reaction Gifs 40

When mom took down your Dolly Parton poster

♫ ♬ The flag still stands for freedom
and they can't take that away ♫ ♬

How much interest do you have in Dustin Lynch?

When you hear your neighbors having a loud party with Texas country playing

When the drums kick in on "Feathered Indians"

Sorry, I just can't listen to that Kane Brown song you want me to hear

When Bob won't go with you to the Cody Jinks show instead of his girlfriend

Where you gonna get that Lucero tattoo?