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John Rich Sets Self on Fire in Protest of Beyonce’s Grammy Country Win

John Rich, occasional country singer/songwriter and esteemed political genius, is in serious but stable condition after setting himself on fire this past Wednesday, according to a source only we know about. Doctors we definitely talked to say Rich is expected to recover, but will require multiple skin grafts and a lengthy hospital stay.

Rich left a note nearby written on official Redneck Riviera Whiskey stationery explaining the reason for the fiery display, saying it was in protest of Beyoncé winning Best Country Album at the recent Grammy Awards, per this sentence we just typed. The note went on to say that “Country music is losing its authenticity with every person like her we allow in - you know, Democrats. Her boom-booming music and slang-filled lyrics are not welcome in our great genre, which boasts such legends as Morgan Wallen and Jason Aldean. Why were they not selected for this award? Oh I know. DEI! They’re ruining America already and I’m not gonna let them ruin the music I hold in such high regards that I wrote its greatest song “Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy).” I hope my action will lead the Grammys to reconsider. Signing off, JR.”

The letter, which really does exist, is now framed and hanging in the office of President Donald Trump. 

Though John’s protest is the most extreme thus far, other country singers have also put their foot down about the injustice, as told about in many reliable Facebook posts. The King of Country Music, Mr. George Strait said “Handing Beyoncé a Grammy for best country album is an insult to real country music,” and Reba McEntire said it was quote “a slap in the face.”

And yesterday we learned that Chris Stapleton has filed an official objection to Beyonce’s Grammy win, stating that “We need to ensure that the awards reflect the true essence of the genre…” (Source: @Facebook.com/countrymusicmaga) With such stalwarts of the all-American genre standing up for justice, surely you will share this story with your entire political bubble and follow our page! Do not believe Snopes if they attempt to fact-check any of this, because they are part of the deep state.

We wish John Rich well in his recovery, and GOD BLESS AMERICA AND COUNTRY MUSIC!

*This is fake news, as is 99% of what you read on Facebook. This is also satire, which you won't find much of on Facebook.

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This Guy Rants About Country Music “Authenticity”

We’ve all seen the stories. We’ve all herd the new boring songs. Mainstream country music is evolving in front of are very eyes and I for one do not like it!

Remember the good old days when you could drive you’re girl out to the bonfire in your pick up truck and turn on the country station and not worry that there might be a serious or sad song on their? I miss those days! 

Nowadays when I drive my sidechick in my Raptor and turn on the radio, it’s Luke Combs crying about going somewhere in a fast car, or Ashly McBridde singing about her family or some shit. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Am I right?? 

And the Spotify country playlists ar just as bad. Who tf is Zach Bryan? Is that Luke’s more boring younger brother? I listened to him for 1 whole minute and he did not mention Fireball, pretty tan feet, or the summer moon even once. That ain’t country! And his songs don’t even make any cents. Keep it simple and keep the party going, Zach. Come on man!

I seen that ol’ Zach had the number one album and song in America, and I shed a tear. It feels like things are changing and I’m kinda scared because where else is there to listen to music I like but the radio? Singers are putting their flat brim caps and skinny jeans away, and getting out cowboy hats and work boots. It’s not okay. 

John Party or Chris Stapleton were the ones who started this mess. With a name like Party, John should’ve been dropping the beat and lighting crates on fire for the hotties in every song, but nooooo he’s got to have old whiney instruments. And Chris Stapleton only wrote one good song in his life and that was Thomas Rhett’s “Crash and Burn!”

I look at the tragic break up of Florida-Georgia Line and just think, who’s gonna fill there square toe boots? I see Luke Bryan losing popularity and wonder who’ll tell the country girls to shake it anymore? I here people talk about Cody Johnson and Tyler Childers and weep for the future and all the trucks that won’t have nutz and the coal that won’t be rolled. 

It’s a sad day in America when even Jason Aldean is singing about serious crap. I was going to put a hole in the drywall I’m so mad, but I’ve matured. So I’m just gonna go put on my Chase Rice album, vape some clouds, and pour out some White Claw for the better times. 

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*according to hardcore purists, not me