The Crud Report September '22, Vol. II

Inflation Takes Its Toll on Luke Combs

Honest Billboard Country Top 20: July '22

Monday Morning Memes: Waylon Jennings, Luke Combs, Warren Zeiders

The Crud Report: July '22

Bootleg Country Shirts: Tyler Childers, Luke Combs, Tim McGraw, George Jones

8 New Parody Album Covers ft. Luke Combs, Zach Bryan, Ronnie Dunn, etc.

Latest Promo Photos: Warren Zeiders, Luke Combs, Restless Heart, etc.

 I can't vouch for the authenticity of these, but they're what I was sent. 

Deadline for Dumbass Summer Pop-Country Singles Rapidly Approaching

Though we’ve barely stepped foot into Spring, the deadline for stupid-ass, shallow, moronic, brand name filled, pandering pop-country summer songs is quickly nearing. With the slow movement of the charts these days, a song released now might have a chance of peaking by late August or early September, unless your name is Luke Combs or Morgan Wallen. 

Word out of Nashville says around 43 B, C, and D-list artists were preparing to drop tunes about skinny dipping, trucks, feet on dashes, cut off jeans, girls in trucks, trucks in mud, bonfires in fields, sex in a field, beer in a truck, and the July moon in the next couple of weeks. Though most of these will never climb into the top 40, the braindead, embarrassing, numbskull summer song is a tried and true tradition for artists every year, even if they’re simply going through the motions. 

Even country legends have fallen into this trite formula in the past, with Clint Black (“Summer’s Coming”) and Travis Tritt (“Girls Gone Wild”) putting out their doofiest, most cringe-worthy songs simply with the hopes that country fans would like to listen to songs about what they’re doing in summer while they’re doing it. 

Up and comer Chance Russell is excited about his forthcoming debut single “Livin’ for the Summer.” “It’s about you know, living, and summer, and making sure to be living for the summer.” said a smiling Russell as he signed off on the final mix, replete with computerized drums and meticulously corrected vocals. 

In writer’s rooms across Nashville, some were still trying to bang out empty-headed bangers at the last minute. 9 dudes were attempting to find a rhyme for ‘hard seltzer’ in one plush office, while 13 guys and one girl were adding some last minute slang to their shit-for-brains summer slapper in the suite next door. 

Other titles to be on the lookout for include:

“Married in Myrtle”

“White Claw Can, Fresh Spray Tan”

“Redneck Vibe Check”

“Dirt Road Drip”

“Left My Heart on Miramar”

Untrue Facts: Luke Combs, George Strait, Willie Nelson

Country Singer/Professional Wrestler Equivalents 5

Stoner? Probably. Beast? Definitely.

Large. Does the same thing over and over but still very popular.

Loves playing the heel. Very talented. Will talk shit at a moment’s notice.

Awesome. Takes up for herself. Most people don’t know who she is yet, but they will.

Tall. Annoyingly positive to the point of ‘go away’ heat.* Old.

Awesomely talented, but not as ‘over’** as they should be.

Not very good at anything, but always seems to be hanging around.

*Go away heat - when fans are legitimately not entertained and want the performer to stop it.

**Over - generating a large reaction from the fans.

The Crud Report: January 2022

Predicting 2022 in Mainstream Country Music

By Bobby Peacock

• Russell Dickerson revealed to actually be a deepfake

• Bobby continues to be the only person on the entire Internet not to like Lainey Wilson

• Luke Combs hits #1 with "Beer,” which is just him singing the word "beer" over and over again for four minutes

• Walker Hayes gets his second #1 with a cover of the "Chili's Baby Back Ribs" jingle

• Niko Moon runs crying to his mom when his next single fails to chart at all; claims radio PDs called him a poopyhead

• In an unprecedented move, Lauren Alaina records a duet with herself

• Kelsea Ballerini and HARDY propose to record a duet; plans canceled when they can't agree on which letters in the title should be capitalized, if any

• Jordan Davis buys dirt; realizes he can't find the one he can't live without; sells dirt

• Jason Aldean, Toby Keith, John Rich, Travis Tritt, and Aaron Lewis record a collab called "Red Voters with Blue Balls (Let's Go Brandon)"; song's lyric video gets deleted from YouTube for hate speech

• Brantley Gilbert actually does release the worst country song of all time -- oh wait, he already did that with "Bottoms Up"

• All four members of Parmalee discovered working at the same Arby's in Nashville

• Man previously caught sporting public erection due to Turnpike reunion hospitalized for priapism

• Cole Swindell gets his first celeb endorsement: his own personal line of Miracle Whip

• In an even more unprecedented move, Morgan Wallen releases a cover of Western Flyer's "Cherokee Highway"

• Bobby makes another stupidly long"best of the decade" list largely composed of songs that neither Trailer nor any Farce the Music reader has ever heard before

You've Heard of Elf on a Shelf...

 ...now get ready for:

Country Twitter FAIL: November '21

*foul language warning*