Jan 17, 2020
Jan 9, 2020
Jan 7, 2020
Dec 30, 2019
Dec 13, 2019
The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (-19) overall which is a 8(!!) point decrease from October (the previous time we did this chart). The best song on the chart is Jon Pardi’s “Heartache Medication.” The worst is Dan + Shay and Justin Bieber’s “10,000 Hours.”
Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.
Dec 12, 2019
Dec 10, 2019
11 Worst Country* Songs of 2019
1. Zac Brown Band - God Given
I somehow left Zac Brown off the original list, and I think that’s a symptom of his irrelevance these days. This is clearly the worst song released under the “country” heading in 2019. This song should be the new “Rick Roll.” What an embarrassment. Lame middle-aged white man rapping and beats and creepiness. Somebody set up an intervention soon.
2. Mitchell Tenpenny - Alcohol You Later
A heaving lump of R&B lite douchebaggery wrapped around a cliché of a hook.
3. Blake Shelton ft/Trace Adkins - Hell Right
Lame bro-country redux from the try-hard stepdad of mainstream country and his drunken uncle.
4. Luke Bryan - Knockin’ Boots
A cheesy come-on with stolen 90s slang. Cringe.
5. Avenue Beat - Delight
If they’re the future, I’m a proud boomer.
6. Florida-Georgia Line - Swerve
Not a single, yet, thankfully. As bad as anything they’ve done before, and that’s of course a deep well.
7. Mitchell Tenpenny ft/Seaforth - Anything She Says
Ugh. Mitchell Tenpenny has usurped Kane Brown as the artist whose voice makes me most quickly change the station.
8. Chris Lane - I Don’t Know About You
I don't know why you're still here.
9. Sam Hunt - Kinfolks
Not nearly as bad as driving the wrong way while drunk, but an affront to the senses to be sure. Please leave again.
10. Dustin Lynch - Ridin’ Roads
Dustin doubles down on his shallowness. His looks and willingness to blend into the sonic wallpaper are his only selling points now.
11. Brantley Gilbert - Fire’t Up
Brantley done fire’t up the wayback machine to 2013. His NFL performance was bad enough to trend on Twitter, and the studio version is only better in the way that getting punched in the stomach is better than getting punched in the face.
*country = released into the country genre
Nov 27, 2019
Auburn sophomore Paul Reynolds, home on Thanksgiving break, came to the startling realization that his hometown is way shittier than mainstream country songs say it is. In fact, just the drive back into his southern Georgia birthplace showed that it was a poorly-maintained, slowly dying crap-hole compared to the idyllic settings portrayed on the pop-country airwaves.
The old family-owned drugstore where he used to buy candy as a kid was now a payday loan with an ice cream counter. Where there wasn’t a pawn shop or high interest-rate financial scam business, there was a Walgreens or CVS. There were approximately 32 Dollar Generals. There was one Dollar General you could see another Dollar General from. Were there any Cole Swindell verses about Dollar Generals?
Paul drove downtown, where country songs say the square is epicenter of tiny town culture. No teenagers were cruising, but there were about 5 of them in the vape shop that used to be a fancy cigar shop. He heard no bluegrass band playing on the plaza, but there were a couple of gunshots nearby. The beloved old men’s clothing store was now a hip wedding party venue for the private school set. Never heard about that in a Brantley Gilbert song.
Wednesday night, he figured he’d hit up his old high school friends to go out. Unfortunately, his buddy Matt had some sort of Facebook drama with his baby mama and couldn’t risk having his picture taken at the bar that night. Larry wasn’t home because he was in jail for selling pills. He thought about calling Kenneth, but Kenneth had a face tattoo now. Justin Moore never sang about this shit.
Throwing one last Hail Mary in an attempt to capture that throwback vibe of an Aldean tune, Paul went out and sipped a beer on a picnic table at the lake. Many a bonfire party and make-out session had taken place here, but tonight there was only one sketchy dude asking if he wanted to buy some meth. “Kiss my ass, Dustin Lynch” Paul told the confused narcotics dealer, before driving back to his folks’ house, completely sobered up.
Nov 7, 2019
Sep 23, 2019
Sep 5, 2019
Hank Jr. pre-gaming for his own concert
If those assholes say Alan Jackson created bro-country
A mainstream country songwriter trying to get song ideas
The Highwomen album comes out tomorrow
Who likes listening to iHeartradio country stations?
When a car drives by with the windows down and you accidentally hear 2 seconds of a Kane Brown song
When some dude at the party starts playing a Thomas Rhett song on his guitar
Hey, Dustin Lynch...
Sep 4, 2019
Sep 3, 2019
Aug 28, 2019
LMOA! Who! When I heard last year that my boy Dustin Lynch was joining the Grand Old Opera I was happy as hell! For all he’s done for country music, it was about damn time! He makes music that makes chicks want to ride in my truck with me and that means he a legend!
Now comes word that somebody name Cody Jinks is playing at the opery tonight. Cody Jinks, who’s she? LOL. Now I’m not a hater but shouldn’t people that plays the hollow hall of country music be somebody me and my bros have listen to? I mean, back in the olden days, they let people play who only did sad songs played with old timey instruments like guitars and fiddles, but in more recent years, they’s let my homie Hootie join and Dustin and folks like that. Party ass music, you know what I’m sayin?
I asked all are friend’s group if they’d heard of Cody Jinks and here was the results: Chad said “Who tf is that?” (Yes he really said “tf” out loud). Brad said “Is that the guy who used to date Brelynn?” Matt said “No.” Dylan said “I don’t listen to anybody who doesn’t have DJ in front of there name.” Only Carter said he’s heard of Cody, but Carter runs a blog or something and he’s pretty weird.
There’s a thousand country singers who deserve to be on the Opary before Cody Junks. Like Mitchell Tenpenny. That dude slaps. Diplo! F**k yeah, he’s done two or three country songs everybody I know loves. Marshmello. He did that song with Kane Brown and he’s legit. I could go on for pair of graphs, but you get the point.
I listened to a Cody Jinks song and I couldn’t even get threw thirty seconds before I wanted to attach a garden hose to my F-150 exhaust in the garage. Why dose anyone want to hear such sad songs and songs about grown ass adult stuff? That’s so boring. Give me real country dudes singing about stuff I knows about like hooking up in bars and hooking up in bars.
Anyway, I’m probably never going to the Grand Old Oprery anyway because theirs some guy who plays there all the time named Ricky Skanks, and I’d just laugh the hole time.
Jul 18, 2019
When your coworkers are discussing how hot Dustin Lynch is
When somebody in the crowd keeps yelling "Wagon Wheel!"
When your son says he kinda likes the new Kane Brown song
Remember that time Old Dominion released a good song?
FGL said their new album was going to be more rootsy
When your closest friend only listens to the "country" music that the mainstream radio station feeds him
Florida-Georgia Line? I stopped to take a p...
When dad listens to Thomas Rhett, but Sonny listens to Tyler Childers and Kelsey Waldon
Jul 12, 2019
Jul 11, 2019
If somebody hands me a Dustin Lynch CD
If you're talking to fine upstanding Brantley Gilbert fans...
The 90s country line dancing craze really went too far
When Florida-Georgia Line comes on at the bowling alley
When somebody says Kane Brown is the hottest, best singer in country music
When Larry Hooper gets all hopped up on Mountain Dew
When you're too old for fighting, but somebody makes fun of your Tanya Tucker t-shirt
Hey Bobby Bones!
"Who made you the judge of what's country and what's not?"