We uncovered some surprising secrets about some of the biggest heartland rockers. You may have assumed these were generally upstanding folks, but think again. Here’s our ranking of the worst!
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10. John Cafferty
Named his band The Beaver Brown Band. Tricked millions of 1980s casual radio listeners into thinking he was Bruce Springsteen.
9. Melissa Etheridge
Tricked millions of 1990s bro-dudes into singing along with lesbian love songs. For several tours, would only play a reggae reimagining of “Come to My Window.”
8. Bob Seger
Says Kid Rock is his greatest musical progeny. Despite being very popular in the South, betrayed them by being a political centrist. Has promised to only allow samples of his songs to be used by mumble rappers.
7. Brian Fallon
Says the name of his band The Gaslight Anthem is about farts, not about manipulating someone into doubting their own thoughts. Says it’s always been that way and you know this.
6. John Fogerty
In an interview once said Florida-Georgia Line was the closest thing he’d ever heard to the spirit of Creedence. Always arguing with the Kroger checkout person over expired coupons. Initiates conversations with strangers at the urinal.
5. Brandon Flowers
Sends takedown notices if a YouTube music reviewer gives a Killers album less than 5 stars. Only promotes his solo albums on social media. Once called his fans “pour over coffee drinking white suburban unmarried cat-parents” which is true but was very controversial at the time.
4. Ryan Culwell
Backstage rider far more extravagant and demanding than everyone on this list, despite him being the least well known. Pretends to be Americana when it suits him. Likes to watch those zip popping videos at full volume in the doctor’s office waiting room.
3. Jon Bon Jovi
Still touring despite his voice retiring in 2003. At concerts, only performs a medley of the greatest hits to close the show after an hour and half of current songs nobody knows. Cites John Cafferty as his main musical influence. Insisted he be placed on this list rather than the hair metal edition.
2. Bruce Springsteen
Has just been pretending to be liberal for decades but secretly funds several New Jersey far right militias. Takes credit for Courtney Cox’s entire career. Only speaks to his bandmates in quotes from Parks & Rec. Made Jake Clemons play an entire tour with tiny truck nutz hanging from his saxophone.
1. John Mellencamp
Whoops, sorry for including an actual jerk.* This list is supposed to be satirical.
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*His inclusion isn't due to that viral video yesterday which was used for nefarious political purposes. He was in the right in that instance.
