Farce the Music: Jerry Reed

Jan 23, 2019

Local Man Arrested for Merchandise Tampering at Area Walmart

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, August 04, 2011

Local country fan Reginald Spears was arrested over the weekend for merchandise tampering at the new Super Walmart out on the bypass. The details of his infractions are unique, to say the least.

Third-shift electronics cashier Lena Johnston first noticed Spears rifling through the country CD section and filling a grocery cart with at least 100 discs before leaving the department. She thought he was just a rabid music fan until he returned 15 minutes later with the same cart and began slipping CDs back onto the shelves while looking around suspiciously.

Johnston walked over to Spears and asked if he'd decided not to make the massive music purchase. Spears responded "Yeah, yeah uh, yes ma'am" and began sweating profusely. He became spooked shortly afterwards and haphazardly threw the remainder of his CDs on the shelf before walking away. Johnston investigated the country section and noticed that it was full of unwrapped, well-worn CDs that Spears had apparently brought from his home. Spears was apprehended by security, mostly without incident, before leaving the store.

"I looked on the shelf and where Rascal Flatts was supposed to be, that scruffy looking man had put Flatt & Smugs or something like that... and where Taylor Swift had been, he'd replaced it with Tanya Tucker. I guess he'd stole all them new CDs and tried to replace 'em with his old junk," said a perplexed Johnston.

Fresh out on bail, Mr. Spears had a far different story. "I didn't shoplift nothin'. I told the cops they could find all that country pop bullsh*t in the Rubbermaid garbage cans in home wares... where that crap belongs," said Spears. "I was just trying to give the people around here some damn culture, so I brought my whole collection up here to give away for free. Of course, I've got it all ripped on my laptop. My alphabetizing skills might be lacking, but I ain't stupid."

"Can you believe they didn't have a Jerry Reed CD in the whole god***n store?" he continued. "Well, for 15 shining minutes last Friday night, they did."

The shoplifting charges against Spears were dropped but he still faces misdemeanor charges of mischief and merchandise tampering. For his part, Reginald is considering legal action against the store.

Spears explained: "They threw all my CDs in the dumpster and broke 'em, them motherf***ers! I'm suing their asses for destruction of property and mental anguish. I was just trying to help this town out... I'm a by-God patriot!"

Walmart officials had no comment on the situation.

Jun 12, 2015

Carl Outlaw, Real Country Fan, Reviews Luke Bryan "Kick the Dust Up"

You know I ain't going to listen to this shit. I could review it with my eyes closed - it's the same old hair metal EDM country rap nonsense as everything he puts out. Some people say Luke Bryan used to be good, but I know that's not true because he's always been played on country radio. Therefore, he sucks. If you don't write you're own music, record it in your garage, and play it for 7 people at some crappy bar on Thursday nights, your not really country. Sorry, somebody had to say it. Top 40 country is nothing what it used to be.

I'll read the lyrics and review those, but even that might make me puke everywhere, lol. At first he's singing (or rapping, probably!) about farmers. If I was a farmer, I would put my boot so far up Luke's pansy ass, he'd be tasting steel toe when he eats his Greek yogurt every day. Later on he says he's "burning up a back roads song"… yeah, probably listening to Rupaul or Iggy Ass-ail-ya, or himself. He probably never even heard of Jerry Reed! Each to thier own I guess!

Oh dear God, what is this rhyming 'up' with 'up' shit? I bet it took 15 dudes with goatees and backwards flat-brim hats jerking off in an office to come up with this crap. If Hank Sr. could hear this mess these pretty boys have made out of his beloved country music, he would mix pills and liquor again!

Later on, Puke Bryant sings about drinking a jar of "clear." Yeah right! If he even took a whiff of some real moonshine, he'd pass out like a little girl. Anyone every plays Luke what ever her name is in my truck, I'll set it on fire with them in it and roll it into a culvert. I would literally comment murder, it's that damn bad!

So, in summery, you would be better off neutering yourself then listening to "Kick the Dust Up."