Farce the Music: Jerry Reed

Jan 23, 2019

Local Man Arrested for Merchandise Tampering at Area Walmart

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, August 04, 2011

Local country fan Reginald Spears was arrested over the weekend for merchandise tampering at the new Super Walmart out on the bypass. The details of his infractions are unique, to say the least.

Third-shift electronics cashier Lena Johnston first noticed Spears rifling through the country CD section and filling a grocery cart with at least 100 discs before leaving the department. She thought he was just a rabid music fan until he returned 15 minutes later with the same cart and began slipping CDs back onto the shelves while looking around suspiciously.

Johnston walked over to Spears and asked if he'd decided not to make the massive music purchase. Spears responded "Yeah, yeah uh, yes ma'am" and began sweating profusely. He became spooked shortly afterwards and haphazardly threw the remainder of his CDs on the shelf before walking away. Johnston investigated the country section and noticed that it was full of unwrapped, well-worn CDs that Spears had apparently brought from his home. Spears was apprehended by security, mostly without incident, before leaving the store.

"I looked on the shelf and where Rascal Flatts was supposed to be, that scruffy looking man had put Flatt & Smugs or something like that... and where Taylor Swift had been, he'd replaced it with Tanya Tucker. I guess he'd stole all them new CDs and tried to replace 'em with his old junk," said a perplexed Johnston.

Fresh out on bail, Mr. Spears had a far different story. "I didn't shoplift nothin'. I told the cops they could find all that country pop bullsh*t in the Rubbermaid garbage cans in home wares... where that crap belongs," said Spears. "I was just trying to give the people around here some damn culture, so I brought my whole collection up here to give away for free. Of course, I've got it all ripped on my laptop. My alphabetizing skills might be lacking, but I ain't stupid."

"Can you believe they didn't have a Jerry Reed CD in the whole god***n store?" he continued. "Well, for 15 shining minutes last Friday night, they did."

The shoplifting charges against Spears were dropped but he still faces misdemeanor charges of mischief and merchandise tampering. For his part, Reginald is considering legal action against the store.

Spears explained: "They threw all my CDs in the dumpster and broke 'em, them motherf***ers! I'm suing their asses for destruction of property and mental anguish. I was just trying to help this town out... I'm a by-God patriot!"

Walmart officials had no comment on the situation.