Showing posts with label Americana. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Americana. Show all posts

Oct 11, 2019

New Americana Singer Searching for Just the Right Stupid Looking Hat

Aramy Turner, an Americana singer from Jackson, TN has spent several days searching for just the right look. He and his band, The Loosies, are about to do the photo shoot for their debut album and Turner is working himself into a tizzy in his quest for “authenticity.”

“I can’t do a cowboy hat because the Texas crowd will eat me alive on social media for not wearing it with just the right crease or something,” he fretted. “And the Texas scene is definitely a market where we want to get a foothold demographically …uh, I mean, them fans is real and shucks, we just want to play ‘em good music!”

Turner tries on a porkpie hat and smiles. “That’s what I’d love to wear, because I’m a hipster from way back, but I know Farce the Music would make fun of me, not that they have quite as much clout since the bro-country era, according to our data… um, I mean, I’m just gonna go a different direction so I look more natural.” said Aramy, giving a little too much away. “And I can’t do a flat cap because I’ve never been in a hardcore band.” 

The Loosies, for their part declined the invitation to shop for headwear with their mouthpiece, settling on trucker caps and fishing hats they already owned, and the label approved. Turner knows that he’ll be a focal point in the promotion though, so he’s struggling to strike that perfect balance between fashion plate and “real hard-working salt-of-the-earth type who just happens to sing songs about loss of train culture and raising the minimum wage.”

“I can’t look like I tried too hard, even though that’s what I’m doing right now,” laughed Turner. “And I also can’t do the Luke Combs thing where it looks like he just pulled out a beer-stained hat that was stuck in some gum under his truck seat.” 

At press time, Turner was working with a haberdasher to custom design a fedora/cowboy hat hybrid that would hide his receding hairline and set off his beard just right.

Jun 20, 2019

Americana Artist’s Political Song Not Connecting With Audiences

Rising Americana singer Benjamyn Lackey has built quite a following in his short 3 years on the scene. He’s traversed the US to adoring crowds, opening for the likes of Sturgill Simpson and Cody Jinks. His debut album showed up on the top 10 of several year end lists in 2016. He’s even been acclaimed by stars like Vince Vaughn and (AEW wrestler) Cody Rhodes on social media, but Lackey’s teaser single for his forthcoming sophomore album Hens in the Roadpath is meeting with a deafening silence.

The tune, a stripped-down acoustic and drum folk tune entitled “If You’re Republican, Don’t Be My Fan,” has only been streamed 1024 times on Spotify in its 2 months of release. The song’s reception in concert has been similarly subdued. 

“I know it’ll take time to catch on, but people at shows just kind of look back and forth at each other during the song.” Said Lackey. “Maybe they’re commiserating with one another non-verbally over the craziness of the world these days. I’m sure they all agree with me that Republicans are literally as bad as Pol Pot.”

“If You’re Republican..” Is Benjamyn’s first foray into protest music, and critics have been sharply divided. Rolling Stone Country called it “a brave line in the sand and a masterpiece of modern political music, if a questionable commercial approach.” Helping Country Music devoted 15 paragraphs to describing the song as overwrought. Farce the Music made a couple of non-commital but clever memes about it.

We asked fans about the song after a recent show, and they were a bit more forthcoming deep in the beers. “All his other songs are poetic and well-written; that one sounds like a first year political science major frat boy wrote it after a conservative chick turned him down.” said Jennifer Pulaski, a confirmed liberal. “F**k him!” yelled Phil Baker, a Republican. “His other songs kick ass so I’ll come to his damn shows if I want to; what’s he gonna do? Stand at the door with a voter roll?” The crowd, split about 50/50 across the political divide, was firmly in agreement on the ham-fistedness of the song and said that they looked back and forth at one another during its performance as a communal “wtf is this sh*t?” 

At press time, Lackey’s label was considering replacing “If You’re Republican, Don’t Be My Fan” on the unreleased album’s track-listing with a more fan friendly “Whiskey Dick.”

A sampling of the lyrics of “IYRDBMF” follows. 
The world’s so crazy these days
Everybody’s screaming, throwing hands
But only the left is right
So I’m saying with all my might
If you’re Republican, don’t be my fan

Oct 2, 2018

Americana Man: A Satire Lyric

Americana Man
(©2018 Farce the Music satire)

My patchy beard is finally filling in
Gained a couple pounds, need another ten
Gotta be chubby not quite fat
Buy myself a pork pie hat
Pretty soon it won't look like I'm playing pretend

Sold the F-150 that daddy bought
Quit the mailroom job that mama got
Grabbed a guitar, learned some chords
Wrote a song about the Lord
And twenty more about prisons, farms, and pot

Americana man
Honest and real as you can stand
Ain't got a story but I got a plan
to be
an Americana man

My uncle's cousin knows a producer dude
Produced a few roots rock who's who's
Just need a few more flannel shirts
I'll be so damn real it hurts
Even though I'd rather be Kane Brown or Luke

Americana man
Honest and real as you can stand
No backstory but I got a plan
to be
an Americana man

Hire a fiddle
Hire a steel man
Gonna be lit
Hit you in the feels man

Americana man
Honest and real as you can stand
No backstory but I got a plan
to be
an Americana man

Aug 10, 2018

Americana Festival Smells Like Wet Dog

Some attendees of the Pale Skies Americana Festival in Whitesburg, TN have complained of a strong odor in the air. There are no reports of any sort of leaks in the area, and the EPA has given an all-clear on the air quality, yet the foulness persists. 

The smell has been described as that of a wet dog, or hot dog water. Most festival goers seem oblivious to it, but 10-20 attendees and several vendors have sought attention in the medical tent for respiratory issues. 

Jalen Johnson of Nashville described the smell as "mayonnaise mixed with moldy oatmeal." "I'm pretty used to it - I go to Belmont and it smells like that all the time." said Johnson, "Only thing I don't like here is the food choices - it's all unseasoned chicken and mashed potatoes and Greek yogurt. What is that?" 

As Old Crow Medicine Show began their set on Thursday evening, several people were overcome by the fumes. Amidst a throng of Birkenstock clad fans clapping on 1s and 3s, one young woman passed out into a pile of Starbucks cups. Another man said he had to get oxygen after the combination of the smell of bologna and the constant chanting of "Wagon Wheel!" got him extremely light-headed.

Alecia Sykes of Knoxville had to go lay in her car when a cloud of vape smoke and the overwhelming reek of old cheese and tomato gravy left her with a raging migraine. "It sucks because I was having a great time with Kayleeigh, Baylyy, Lynnseigh, and Chad."

Jun 1, 2018

New Americana Band More Authentic Than That One You Like

Brand new Americana act Roustabouts in Bowties is taking the roots music revival to new levels with their upcoming debut album release and supporting tour. Bolstered by first single, the rustic fiddle ballad "Ye Art a Fine Lass," the 7-piece act will hit the road in July to promote their self-produced, self-released, self-designed, self-printed, self-promoted, self-packaged, self-shipped debut Claptrap Monkeyshines

Recorded in an abandoned Alberta dogtrot, Claptrap Monkeyshines boasts 10 original songs and a cover of a song from a 1932 field recording of a nameless jug band. Penned by lead vocalist Bjorn Blacklung, the original tunes span the tempos from dirge-like to lullaby. 

"We want to be the most authentic band to ever exist," smiled Blacklung, through a blue haze of corncob pipe smoke. "It isn't enough to never groom our beards, to farm the cotton that makes our hand-stitched extra stiff denim clothes, spend 3 years learning to duplicate records at home, and take our inner sleeve photos with a vintage tin-type, we must live the life." 

Leaving their Montana wilderness shack collective for the first time in ages to tour "the great expanse" as they call it, the Roustabouts will play 36 cities over the next 3 years (they're going on horseback). Lead musical saw player Mose Dustworth tells us he most looks forward to taking a break from splitting wood and watching for grizzly bears for a nice long spell.

While the Roustabouts' aesthetic is bucolic, the actual release will come in multiple formats, including high fidelity wav files, phonograph cylinders, and cassette tapes dubbed on their own 1989 RCA home stereo. It will also be available on 380g sawdust tan vinyl that doubles as a frisbee for disc golf. The band cautions that when using the record in disc golf competition, that all other players be out of the line of fire. The band is not responsible for injuries or deaths caused by thrown copies of Claptrap Monkeyshines

Feb 14, 2018

WWE Country Reaction Gifs 27: Braun Strowman Edition

When the country concert has a DJ

 Love hurts, love scars, love wounds and marks 

Trying to figure out how
Sam Hunt is country

When you tell her you got Isbell tickets

Instead of saving mainstream country,
maybe we should just... 

Probably symbolic of country radio... somehow

You should never heckle the band,
but especially not tonight...

Apr 25, 2014

The Bro-mericana Song (Lyrical Satirical)

The Bro-mericana Song
©2014 FTM Satire

Drove my El Camino
Down past the silo
Pulled into the party spot
Cracked a Blue Ribbon
Lit up a Spirit
Asked if anyone had some pot

This is my bro-mericana song
Break out the banjos, break out the bongs
Groom your beard and sing along
This is the bro-mericana song

We talk politics
Crank up some Deer Tick
And take ourselves real serious
The girls are all tattooed
And I defy any dude
To mention one's gluteus

This is my bro-mericana song
Break out the guitars, get our folk on
Groom your beard and sing along
This is the bro-mericana song

No flat brims, no jacked trucks
Just pearl snaps and Levi Strauss
Careful where you park your Prius
Nobody here can pull you out

This is my bro-mericana song
Break out the dobro, break out the bongs
Groom your beard and sing along
This is the bro-mericana song

Feb 21, 2014

Americana Band Name Generator

If you've run out of creative spark after writing umpteen songs about drunken sorrow, the working man, and bucolic strife but need the perfect name for your new roots rock or alt-country band, you're in luck! Just click below to visit my new "Genericana Band Name Generator!" My apologies to the three or four existing bands whose names are possible on this generator. 

Aug 20, 2013

Top Ten Less Successful Americana Bands

10. The Sex Offenders String Band

09. The Ghosts of Fartknocker Mountain

08. Beards in the Silo

07. Uncle Yoakam and Those Dapper Fellows

06. The Tattooed Rockabilly Roller-Derby Crack Whores

05. Big Barry and His Lumbago

04. Offal

03. Joe Biden and the Shotgun Boys

02. Mumford's Third Cousins, Twice Removed

01. Pantaloons Medicine Tent Revival


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