9. Sound like Morgan Wallen
7. Get nominated for a Best New Artist award 7 years into your career
5. Mention Ohio in your song but live 1 state south of there
3. Get a shout-out from Jay Potta
Bonus from Country Universe:
Be rumored to be dating Morgan Wallen
8. Can you explain this 6 year employment gap?
6. I know you spent $1,200 on Wallen tickets but could you please pay your rent this week?
4. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you?
2. Do you know about… other music?
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10. That Babs didn’t use too much seasoning on the boiled chicken at the supper party last night
9. That Dan + Shay didn’t play the CMA’s so they didn’t have to accidentally hear any twang, fiddles, or steel guitars this year
8. That vodka is the same color as water
7. That their neighbors who listened to rap music and grilled on the front porch moved out
6. 20% discounts at the loaded tea place because they forced their son to work there
5. That their name isn’t actually Karen, because that would be too on the nose
4. That both Dan and Shay are happily married; they were concerned they might be gay so they’d have to stop liking them
3. That Jerry got the Christmas bonus early so they can book their 29th Disney vacation for next year
2. That wooden decorative signs with cliches on them are 50% off at Hobby Lobby this week
1. That their husband agreed to stop listening to scary Cody Childers or Waylon Haggard music in the house after the threat of no nookie
Five Finger Death Punch and Brantley Gilbert are going on tour.
For real. Here are the top ten things you might see if you went.
10. Everybody mad dogging each other instead of watching the show
9. Many neckbeards, but few necks
8. Nobody singing along because somebody might call them gay for singing
7. Punisher tattoos
6. Roid gut
5. A camel clutch wrestling hold executed to perfection
4. 7 women, all working at concession stands
2. Hundreds, maybe thousands, of fists bruised from punching walls
1. People in the 1% of worst music taste in America
Bonus thing: Several heartwarming reunions of cops and the people they arrested
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Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions for Koe Wetzel Fans
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10. Get serious for their 9th year of community college
9. Complete the full collection of Pit Vipers
8. Get a tattoo to cover up that seemingly permanent groin rash
7. Get LED bars put on both jet skis
6. Continue boycotting those motherf***king b***hes at the p***y ass Great Texas Balloon Race
5. Not wear wife beater to the job interview next time
4. See the doctor about this dark yellow pee
3. Not get anybody pregnant at LTJ fest this year
2. Wrestlemania. Jerry World. Both nights.
1. Jack Daniels, Taco Bell, Hangover + raging shits, Repeat
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~By Trailer with some input from someone who could dance that slow Uvalde shuffle
