Top 10 Things Morgan Wallen Fans Want for Christmas

 By Jeremy Harris and Trailer

-------

10. Dismissal of their public intoxication charges

9. Joy (Joy is their third cousin, not “a feeling of great happiness”)

8. Mullet grooming kit

7. A “white” Christmas

6. Some extra Sudafed for their “sinus” issues

5. To graduate with the rest of their buddies on the bass fishing team

4. LED lights for the bumper, the mirrors, the roof, the wheel wells, everywhere… so the front of their truck can burn with the light of a million suns and blind oncoming traffic three counties away

3. For the front-squatted truck to become the new fad

2. Jason Isbell to write another heartfelt song they’ll never hear him sing live

1. A black friend, so they can say they have a black friend

Top 10 Things More Likely Than Sam Hunt Releasing a Real Country Song

Remember that time Sam Hunt was gonna release a country song, but then he just released his usual kind of song with a sample of a real country song mixed in? Here are ten things more likely than Sam Hunt releasing a song we all agree is really country.

10. Your aunt actually wins that RV she keeps reposting about on Facebook.

9. Justin Moore takes a leak without standing on a potty stool.

8. A Nigerian prince sends you 3.2 million dollars.

7. The Simpsons stop predicting things correctly.

6. Ifs and buts become candy and nuts.

5. Gary Levox, hardcore porn star. 

4. Donald Trump releases his tax returns. Joe Biden admits he’s uncertain which city he’s in.

3. Kane Brown successfully completes a corn maze.

2. Hank Sr stops rolling in his grave.

1. New York Jets: Super Bowl LV champs.

----------

By Trailer & Jeremy Harris

Little Known Facts: Christmas 2019 Edition

Sitting on Charlie Daniels’ lap and telling him what 

you want for Christmas really pisses him off. 

According to Santa’s Naughty and Nice List, Jason “Rowdy” Cope 

of The Steel Woods isn’t rowdy at all.

Shooter Jennings announced a spring tour and is looking forward to hitting the 

road to unwind after another winter of making toys for good boys and girls.

Blind Item: 30-50 feral hogs stole a popular Americana band’s van 

and gear trailer in certain southeastern Texas city.

Freezing temps across the country have caused Luke Bryan’s pants to fit better, 

but he is now battling chapped lips.

Mitchell Tenpenny is the first artist in a new country sub-genre: Incel Country.

With 2019 coming to an end I decided to check in with Colt Ford and 

his resolution to no longer suck. Failing for 50 weeks and counting.

The real issue is that there isn’t a war on “The Christmas Shoes.”

Kane Brown is beter then you’re favorite country sinjer. 

~this fact guest-written by a Kane Brown fan.

Florida Georgia Line’s FGL House features a reverse toy drive where employees 

go to hospitals and orphanages in Nashville and take take toys from the children.

Thomas Rhett cheerful story blah blah good news happy blah.

Starbucks compensated Jason Isbell for not changing his twitter name to IsBELLS this year by sending him a free nonfat, vanilla, soy latte with espresso shot once a week until March. (<—This fact requires too much referential minutia for the average person to get it, but I left it in so you can make fun of Jeremy for writing it. ~Trailer)

I went to see Luke Combs the other day. He said I needed wipers and a cabin air filter.

Gary Levox had a recent trip to the dentist because he confused 

the coal in his stocking for chocolate covered cherries.

Taylor Swift researched her role for Cats by being an actual crazy cat lady.

-----

Most of these by Jeremy Harris - a few by Trailer

Little Known Facts Makes Its Glorious Return

Insane Clown Posse plans on releasing their entire catalog as country albums in 2019. There will be no changes or remixing done.

Shooter Jennings recently hit the big 4-0 which is a big deal since he was only 3 feet, 11 inches earlier in the year.

Due to him neglecting it while spending so much time on the road and at the beach, Kenny Chesney’s tractor is no longer considered sexy.

Zac Brown’s new rap song has reportedly coaxed hours of valuable information out of terrorists at Guantanamo Bay.

78% of all blacked out names in the Mueller Report were Steve Earle.

Famed Bigfoot hunter Eric Tipton has decided there isn’t enough challenge in looking for the elusive creature and now devotes his time to searching for women on the country music charts.

Jordan Davis’ beard is kind of like Samson’s hair in that it is hair on the head of someone who doesn’t sing country music. 

John Rich was one of the crowd favorites at a recent Nashville songwriting expo after he was a last minute substitution for the scheduled janitor that called in sick. 

Americana is sometimes called “country music for liberals” because much like liberalism, it proclaims gender equality but is mostly run by old white dudes. 

Constantly posting on Facebook about his weight loss vitamins is why John Anderson is the black sheep of his family. 

As a child, Russell Dickerson once got his head stuck in a toilet paper roll. 

I have never heard “Old Town Road” and will remove the genitalia of the first person that changes that.

Kane Brown coming on country radio is the equivalent of the auto flushing toilet pulling the paper seat cover down the drain before you are seated.

—————

Most of these are by Jeremy Harris; a few are by Trailer.

Little Known Facts: September '18

--------------------------------------------------------

By Jeremy Harris and Trailer

--

Before Cody Jinks was a country singer, he was in a metal band. Before he was in a metal band, he was the choreographer for Color Me Badd

Charlie Daniels has voted Green Party in the last 6 Presidential elections; He just pretends to be a hardcore Republican so as not to alienate his fans

Carrie Underwood became a vegetarian after seeing Blake Shelton eat a pork chop sandwich one time

Tyler Childers' carpet doesn't match the drapes

When Shooter Jennings gets angry, Misty has to tranquilize him lest he stomp his foot deeply into the floor and tear himself in two

Lin-Manuel Miranda is adapting a rap version of Pure Country for Broadway

Listening to Old Dominion’s “Written In The Sand” can be used against you in a court of law if you are accused of sexual misconduct

CMT will broadcast the Americana Honors and Awards November  28th, at 3:00 a.m. between a rerun of Full House and a Flex Seal infomercial 

Kelsea Ballerini gets so mad about Farce the Music's constant Barbie doll jokes that she kicks her little plastic dog across the glittery pink living room

There’s a 99% chance Lucero is better than your favorite band

Shooter Jennings came up with the idea for D.R.U.N.K. When he had trouble finding words to rhyme with Z.I.M.A.

Kane Brown fans actually have pretty low levels of meth addiction because "you never get high on your own supply"

Y’all should've been more specific when asking for more women on country radio because now we have Lindsay Ell

Tyler Childers is so good that Wheeler Walker Jr can introduce him and keep it PG

You can judge any album by how many tracks are “featuring” another artist

Turning on country radio and hearing Sam Hunt gives me the same feeling that Gary Levox gets when he takes a bite of ice cream and realizes it’s sugar free

Eric Church is on his way to your house right now to take all your AR-15's, teach your children about the 27 genders, and sign your wife up for the Communist party

----------

Lucero: Our Dream Set Lists

~intro by Robert Dean

If there’s a band that deserves to finally break through to the next level, it’s Lucero. They’re the humble road dogs who never quit, and continually deliver the goods. And with Among The Ghosts debuting at #2 on the Billboard Independent Albums chart and the band celebrating 20 years of existence, we wanted to take a minute and gush with pride and love for the best dudes from Memphis. It's about damn time for a Grammy nod for these boys.

Considering a few of us (Trailer, Chad, & Robert) have seen the band live more than they can count on two hands, we wanted to put together dream set lists. Just for funsies, because you know, NERD ALERT. 

The only rules are: 15 songs and an encore (although Lucero routinely plays 20+ songs per show).

Robert Dean’s dream Lucero set: 

----------

Smoke

Everything Has Changed 

Anjalee

I Can Get us Out of Here 

Among The Ghosts 

Baby Don’t You Want Me

Nights Like These

Drink Till We’re Gone 

Sweet Little Thing 

Hey Darlin’ Do You Gamble 

Texas & Tennessee 

On My Way Downtown

For The Lonely Ones

Raisin’ Hell 

Hate & Jealousy

Encore: 

Tears Don’t Matter Much  

-----------

Jeremy

----------

Can’t You Hear Them Howl

For the Lonely Ones

The Man I Was

To My Dearest Wife

Darby’s Song

Went Looking For Warren Zevon’s Los Angeles 

Among the Ghosts

Woke Up In New Orleans

Hey Darlin’ Do You Gamble?

They Called Her Killer

All Sewn Up

Texas & Tennessee

Nights Like These

Goodbye Again

All These Love Songs

Encore:

The Closer You Get (Alabama cover)

Tears Don’t Matter Much

-----------

Trailer

----------

The Mountain

Among the Ghosts

All These Love Songs

Chain Link Fence

Tonight Ain't Gonna Be Good

My Best Girl

Texas & Tennessee

Sweet Little Thing

That Much Further West

Nights Like These

What Else Would You Have Me Be?

Raising Hell

Noon As Dark As Midnight

It Gets the Worst at Night

Kiss the Bottle

Encore:

Smoke

Sixteen

Tears Don't Matter Much

----------

Kevin

----------

Downtown (Intro)

On My Way Downtown

Like Lightning

Last Night in Town

The War

She's Just That Kind of Girl

I Can Get Us Out of Here Tonight

Sweet Little Thing

Darby's Song

Johnny Davis

The Devil and Maggie Chascarillo

Smoke

Can't Feel a Thing

What Are You Willing to Lose?

Sounds of the City

Encore: 

The Mountain

----------

Chad

------------

For the Lonely Ones

Last Night in Town

Little Silver Heart

To My Dearest Wife

Among the Ghosts

Raising Hell

That Much Further West

Sweet Little Thing

Bottom of the Sea

Sixes & Sevens

All Sewn Up

Texas & Tennessee

Nights Like These

Chain Link Fence

Tears Don't Matter Much

Encore:

San Francisco

Drink Till We're Gone

-----------

Matthew

-----------

Can't You Hear Them Howl

I don't think there would be a better damn way to begin a Lucero show than this opening riff. 

Cover Me

Little Silver Heart

Nights Like These

Watch It Burn

What Else Would You Have Me Be?

I feel confident a show that began with these first 6 songs would absolutely create a frenzied-as-hell crowd.  And, I am all for it.  Let's burn this whole thing down!

Sweet Little Thing

Last Night In Town

This song was played at the first Lucero show (I think) I went to with my Dad and brother back in my home state of TN and it meant a lot at the time to me since I was leaving to come back up to D.C.  I wish it was played every single show I attended.  

Tears Don't Matter Much

Hate & Jealousy

I haven't seen this song or Sing Me No Hymns live before and I have to believe that these would absolutely be scorchers live.

Sing Me No Hymns

That Much Further West

To My Dearest Wife

On My Way Downtown

Sound Of The City

Encore:

The War->Raising Hell

I know I'm cheating here, but I think this would be a killer way to do an encore.  You can't have a Lucero show without The War and Raising Hell is a life affirming way to end my night of Lucero's perfect set list.

----------

Little Known Facts: May '18

In his teens, Jason Aldean was dropped by a vocal trainer who told Aldean's parents it was like trying to teach a legless man soccer

The greatest Lynyrd Skynyrd cover band is Lynyrd Skynyrd

The average Rascal Flatts fan is average

Evidently Bebe Rexha is not the subject of an early 90’s animated movie written by Reginald Hudlin

The bootleg Hank Jr. shirts on Facebook are sold by Hank Jr.

Cody Jinks, Whitey Morgan, and Ward Davis tour together so often so they can get the group discount at the beard groomer

Reba McEntire is the first Colonel Sanders to not have a cock, but only because she is allergic to feathers

Turns out, Blake Shelton is the jackass

The previous country fact was brought to you by The NFL Keurig Starbucks Yeti  Nordstrom Netflix Oreos Dick's Pepsi TJ Maxx  Lou's AR-15 n' Whiskey Shack

I was going to write the 500th fact that points out Shooter Jennings is short but I wanted to bring Farce the Music to new heights

Sam Hunt recently announced a winter 2018 Mexican tour starting on November 1, 2018

Blind item: Texas singer who recently signed with a major label uses full body pillows for his head

Early reports are that Chris Stapleton is the favorite to be named NBA Rookie of the Year

Support of a border wall by Congress has reached an all time high as long as it can be completed by November 2, 2018

----

Most of these by Jeremy Harris, but especially *that* one; you know the one. 

Jeremy Made a Johnny Paycheck Meme

These things are getting out of hand.

All-Star Tribute to Tom Petty / Outlaw Cruise / "Free Fallin'"

Nikki Lane & Jonathan Tyler / Outlaw Cruise / "Love's On Fire"

The Farce 5: A Dumb Interview With Jaime Wyatt

by Jeremy Harris

I caught up with the very talented Jaime Wyatt after a Shooter Jennings set and during my drunkest stint of the 3rd Outlaw Country Cruise. Somehow I managed to mess up the recording by drunkenly stopping and starting the recording app on my phone but I managed to remember enough to type this up. I doubt I got it all but I’m surprised I even remembered any of it.

Farce: Are you ready for the worst five questions in music?

Jaime: Sure

Farce: If you could only pick one, what (I can’t even spell what I said here) of music would you put yourself into?

Jaime: Are you trying to say genre?

Farce: Yes but very drunk.

Jaime: Uh, American

Farce: You’ve been out touring and hanging with other singer so which artist you’ve been around takes takes the stinkiest shits?

Jaime: You know I’m a lady right?

Farce: Yeah, but I’m sure they throw you in a room with guys at shows sometimes.

Jaime: (She’s now putting serious thought into this) Well, the other day on the bus there was a smell. I’m not sure who did it with everyone in there and it’s hard to tell on a bus but I’ll say it was Ted. (bassist Ted Russell Kamp)

Farce: Have you ever pretended to remember a fan that you've encountered so they'd quit telling you why you should know them?

Jaime: No I can’t lie, I just tell them I don’t remember. I’m very honest.

Farce: Can’t fault you for that.

Farce: Can you describe your worst hotel experience?

Jaime: Oh shit, I can’t remember the name of the hotel (and I was drunk and hit the stop recording button so we are officially relying on my drunken memory) but there was a party and the management and law showed up.

Farce: Probably better off we don’t remember for lawsuit sakes. If you could make a singer or band disappear forever who would it be and why?

Jaime: I hope you wont be offended.

Farce: I don’t give a shit.

Jaime: It’s Nickelback.

Farce: Hell no that’s a great answer. I don’t think that would offend anyone on this boat. Thanks Jaime, I’ve got to go tell Shooter he’s an asshole. (He heard me)

Jaime: Thank you for doing this.

----

Editor's Note: Please go purchase some music from Jaime to make this up to her somehow. 

--> Felony Blues

Elizabeth Cook Performs "Exodus of Venus" on the Outlaw Cruise

Jeremy's Top 20 Albums of 2017

Raw and unedited

by Jeremy Harris

20. Ha Ha Tonka “Heart-Shaped Mountain” - I can’t remember how many of these Trailer wanted comments for.... oh well. 

19. John Moreland “Big Bad Luv” - From the album cover and name you’d think rap. From the sound of his voice you’d think awesome. 

18. Steve Earle & The Dukes “So You Wannabe An Outlaw” - On a scale of 1 to Steve Earle, how do you feel about Trump? Just kidding, Steve steers clear. 

17. Otis Gibbs “Mount Renraw” - Every year Otis complains about year end lists and the critics that compose them. I consider myself exempt this year. 

16. Left Lane Cruiser “Claw Machine Wizard” - Rock isn’t dead, it’s just hiding on this album. 

15. Nikki Lane “Highway Queen” - My daughter’s favorite singer absolutely kills it with this one. Hopefully my daughter doesn’t find her duet with Wheeler Walker Jr. 

14. Blitzen Trapper “Wild and Reckless” - Crap! I just found out I only had to add notes to at least 5 of these. 

13. The Hooten Hallers “Self Titled” - You won’t find very many small bands than can match this energy. None can match this sound. 

12. Bob Wayne “Bad Hombre” - Nobody sings about their life more than Bob. Thankfully he has an interesting life on the road. 

11. Chris Stapleton “From A Room: Volume 1” - There’s a magic formula that combines the best of 1 and 2 that makes it a much better album. With this formula 1 tops 2 by a lot. 

10. Jason Isbell “The Nashville Sound” - If ‘Vampires’ doesn’t make you cry you may be a zombie. 

9. Lukas Nelson “Promise of the Real” - Lukas topped his dad this year. His best release so far. 

8. Zac Brown Band “Welcome Home” - There’s a grumpy, single guy in Kentucky that’s gonna give me hell on twitter over this one. 

7. Jason Eady “Self Titled” - Eady does it again. Another great album. 

6. Turnpike Troubadours “A Long Way From Your Heart” - Find the story behind ‘Pay No Rent’ then listen again. 

5. Travis Meadows “First Cigarette” - There’s some real sad stuff on this one. If Isbell makes you feel weird and emotional, Travis Meadows will bring you down even more. 

4. Justin Payne “Coal Camp-EP” - There’s a rule that an EP can’t make a year end list. There’s also a rule that an EP shouldn’t be this good. If Just had a couple more songs on here he’s a solid top 3. Not fleecing me on a trade in fantasy football would’ve helped too. 

3. Joshua James “My Spirit Sister” - Sons of Anarchy was a good show that featured great music. Joshua James was one of the best featured artist. 

2. Hellbound Glory “Pinball” - This may be the best Leroy Virgil or whatever his name is now’s best album yet. 

1. Tyler Childers “Purgatory” - I’ve been waiting on this album for 3 years. It was worth the wait but I’m not willing to wait that long for Tyler’s next one. 

Little Known Facts: Christmas 2017 Edition

Little Known Facts: Christmas 2017 Edition

Little Known Facts: Christmas 2017 Edition

Little Known Facts: Christmas 2017 Edition

If Cole Swindell ran outside naked in a snowstorm, he'd be invisible

Luke Bryan never hangs his stockings by the fireplace because 

he’d feel silly wearing his garter belt without them

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Brantley Gilbert realized he couldn’t count that high

Neal McCoy's "Take a Knee, My Ass (I Won't Take a Knee)" was originally about 

Game of Thrones' Jon Snow and was titled "Bend the Knee, My Arse (I Shan't Bend the Knee)"

If Sturgill Simpson doesn’t do a Farce The Music 

interview we will start a rumor he punched Santa

There is a 100% chance Kenny Chesney will be a fan 

of this year's college football playoff champion

The previous fact will be recycled annually for eternity 

Justin Moore has lost 75% of his fame since Trailer stopped photoshopping him 

on shelves around Christmas  (Editor's note: or Scotty McCreery, whichever)

Sturgill Simpson recently punched Santa at a mall. More details to come. 

All pictures of Shooter Jennings on a shelf are not Photoshopped 

Gary Levox’s New Year’s resolution is to be less awkward in photos

The 2017 Time Magazine Person of the Year is every woman 

that has ever recorded ‘Baby it’s Cold Outside’

David Lee Murphy has a song on the country chart. No really, I’m serious about that one.

Asking for more women on country radio and getting Bebe Rexha is like 

asking for a Washington outsider to be president and getting... never mind 

Every time "Humble and Kind" plays on the radio, Spade Cooley rolls in his grave

----------

All but 3 of these by Jeremy Harris

Top 15 Things Rarer Than a Solar Eclipse in Nashville

 Top 15 Things Rarer Than a Solar Eclipse in Nashville

by Jeremy Harris and Trailer

15. An open mic night without "Wagon Wheel"


14. Shooter Jennings walking down Music Row in shorts

13. A Stanley Cup hockey championship


12. A country exec with any 2 of the following: brains, balls, integrity

11. Thomas Rhett singing in key


10. A Kane Brown fan who won't have retinal damage after today

9. 20 square feet of sidewalk without a douchebag on it


8. A local eating at FGL house


7. Colt Ford and Gary Levox eating salads

6. A sober bridesmaid

5. A songwriting session with less than 5 people in attendance


4. Luke Bryan shopping for relaxed fit jeans

3. An irreplaceable landmark some developer wouldn't happily bulldoze 

to put up another apartment building …or carwash


2. A woman on the country charts who isn't counted against the quota

1. A departed country legend not rolling in his/her grave daily

The Farce 5: A Dumb Interview with Tyler Childers

About a year ago, I decided I needed some quick questions to pop out in case I ran into someone who would be an interesting person to talk to for Farce The Music. I wanted the questions to be a mix of aggravating and stupid but not so many questions that it’d take forever to type up afterwards. I decided on five and would call them The Farce 5. Catchy ain’t it? In April of this year, I attended a Tyler Childers show at Ohio’s worst kept secret, Tootle’s Pumpkin Inn located in Circleville. I asked Tyler that if he had about five minutes because I had a very short interview I’d like to do. A few minutes later he came to me and The Farce 5 was underway. Enjoy.

by Jeremy Harris
 FTM: If you can only pick one, what genre of music would you put yourself into to?
TC: One? I guess country? It’s hard to pick one. I just always considered it hillbillies making mountain sounds. It’s a little bit country, a little Appalachian but if it’s one, probably rap. I’ll go with rap. 
FTM: That’s good. Rap seems popular these days and the kids love it. It’s a good way to get yourself introduced to a younger crowd.

FTM: I know there’s been times where you’ve shared a dressing room with other artist, so which of your fellow artist takes the stinkiest shits? 
TC: [Whispers to self: Stinkiest shit?] I would say it would probably be Arlo McKinley. He takes the stinkiest shit. 
FTM: But he has such a sweet voice. 
TC: Yeah, but the other end ain’t so sweet man. It’s pretty nasty. 
FTM: Well, I’ll try to stay on the voice end. 
TC: Cheeseburgers and beer can be a bad equation.

FTM: Has there ever been a time when you pretended to remember a fan you’ve encountered so they would quit telling you why you should know them? 
FTM: On a side note, we’ve met like three times. 
TC: Yeah, I remember. Yeah I guess. That will make them go away.

FTM: Describe your worst hotel experience. 
TC: I stayed in a place in Tulsa and I can’t remember what the place was but there was a 1-1/2 to 2 inch space under all the doors. when you were walking you could everything that was happening in each hotel room and the walls were paper thin. We go there and the guy next door he was, he was just being a real asshole to this woman and you’d hear him stay stuff like “Damnit!”, then he’d go on a big rant. I just kept thinking, that poor girl, and then after he did it like three times she just tore into him. Everything that he had said abusively, verbally didn’t hold a light to what she did to him. I was like, that poor guy… 
FTM: You didn’t expect that did you? 
TC: No, I didn’t expect that. There was a lot of arguing, stinky sheets and a stinky place.

FTM: Alright, last question. If you could make one singer or band disappear forever, who would it be and why? 
TC: Hmmm, disappear. Probably, uh… I was thinking Gomer Pyle. The fact that he had that gorgeous voice just took so much away from the comedy side. So if you could keep Gomer Pyle as Gomer but take out all that singing shit that’d be great.
 FTM: Thanks Tyler. I’ll get this all turned in within the next two days to six months. [barely made it]

Little Known Facts Returns!

Sam Hunt celebrated his longest reigning Billboard Hot Country song of all time with a goblet of Perrier garnished with kiwi and a new pair of wide cropped trousers

Taylor Swift has been pondering a return to country music, but feels that the current scene is "too pop" for her

I wonder if mentioning that Upchurch guy or Luke Combs gets people to visit this site? Only one way to find out....

Bucky Covington is currently in the studio working on his new album*
*in the food truck grilling some brats

Former AC/DC frontman Brian Johnson is expected to release a country album in 2018 titled 'For Those About To Mud (We'll Drink a Cold One To That)'

Martina McBride once bet Reba a single's royalty payments she could kill a bottle of Rumple Minze in 30 seconds. That's how she paid for the indoor shooting range in her house.

Upon further investigation, Cody Jinks may be the devil

The Nashville zoo once went on lockdown due to a gorilla escape until they realized it was just Dylan Scott

Every 6-8 months I google 'Colt Ford' to make sure he's still alive so I can write facts about him and not seem like too much of an ass

Kyle Park is derivative, obsequious, facile, and parochial. For you Texas music fans, that means he's no different from mainstream country

Tyler Childers has become so famous that the Taco Bell in Louisa, Kentucky cleaned their bathroom in his honor

Kelsea Ballerini is as cute as a button and twice the singer

FTM was gonna start a @BedazzledLukeBryan Twitter account but all our planned posts just looked like Luke Bryan's


--------
by Trailer and Jeremy Harris

Supersuckers Perform "Going Back to Tucson" (Outlaw Country Cruise)

Chris Knight Performs "Becky's Bible" (Outlaw Country Cruise)

Elizabeth Cook Performs "Exodus of Venus" (Outlaw Country Cruise)