Showing posts with label bro-country. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bro-country. Show all posts

Jan 29, 2021

Police Deploy Axe Sniffing Dogs to Find Illegal Bro-Country House Concerts

While Covid mandates continue to restrict large gatherings of people in most states, some bro-country artists have taken to having secret house concerts to avoid the watchful eye of the law, and the certain scorn of social media. Many of these shows have gone undetected, with the singers and audiences quieting down and hiding at first report of police in the area. As a result, law enforcement has had to employ a new tactic to bust these illegal concerts: Axe-sniffing dogs.

“We’ve found that teens and men who enjoy this kind of music tend to wear offensively strong smelling body sprays such as Axe, so we’ve trained Buster, our drug-sniffing K9, to identify similar odors.” said K9 Unit Lt. Parker Davis of the Smyrna Police Department. “It’s working like a charm so far.” 

The SPD has already shut down 2 Chase Rice concerts, a Chris Janson show, and a couple of other up-and-coming bro-country artists' parties. “There were 25 jacked-up pickup trucks in this cul-de-sac, so we knew something was going on when we followed up on a complaint from neighbors, but the area was completely silent when we started investigating,” said Davis. “Knocks didn’t root anything out, but Buster just smashed through the fence of one yard… you should have seen the wallet chains gleaming in the street lights as they all ran for it.”

Fines were levied, and four open container arrests were made. Similar stories have come in from the Tallahassee, FL area as well. “We taught our dog Hurley to detect body spray and White Claw,” said TPD’s K9 officer Levon Goins. “He’s rooted out 5 different illegal shows. I’ve never seen so many drunk white girls.”

One of the illicit concerts shut down in Tallahassee also led to arrests for crystal meth and prescription drug possession with intent. “That was one of those ‘hick hop’ shows, I think his name was Upshirt, Upchurch, something like that.” laughed Goins.

Sep 11, 2020


Looks like we've got Bingo! in the far right column.

Jun 27, 2018

If (Classic Country Song) Was Bro-Country

Since bro-country seems to be making a slight return this summer, it seems like a good time to bring back this feature.

If (Classic Country Song) Was Bro-Country

Patsy Cline - She's Got You

I've got your picture
That you Snapped to me
Screen-shot it with love
Showed it to my homies
Ain't nothing different
Since we've been through
I've got your picture
It's a nude

Waylon & Willie - Mammas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys

Mammas don't let your babies grow up to soyboys
Don't let 'em dip pouches or vote for no cucks
Let 'em be hotties and frat boys and such
Mammas don't let your babies grow up to soyboys
'Cause they'll never lift, bro, and they'll never roll coal
They won't even drive a truck

Tammy Wynette - Stand By Your Man

Stand by your man,
In cut off shorts that cling to,
That shaker mama gave you 
Move that thing like a pony

Dwight Yoakam - Guitars, Cadillacs

Now it's roll bars, rifle racks, Lil Dicky music
Dusty gravel roads that I chill on
Yeah my roll bars, rifle racks, Lil Dicky music
Keep this party lit till the night is gone

Nov 22, 2017

Understanding Bro-Country Fan Internet Slang

Here's a very important piece I unearthed from the Farce the Music vault. It was never posted during the heyday of bro-country, so it has lost a little relevance, but there are still bros out there and you should at least attempt to understand their language.

This is a handy guide to deciphering bro-country fans' slang and acronyms on social media and text messages.

SMH = send me hoes

LOL = liking only ladies

Send nudes = send nudes

WTF = where's the Fireball?

Dead = I just murdered a city boy

Low key = feeling mellow from smoking the marijuana

Fam = group of bros

Off the chain = please help me find my wallet

AF = awesome Ford

OMG = oops my genitals

Lit = (the bonfire of crates we stole is now burning)

TGIF = tailgate is fun

TL/DR = the lice didn't reappear

DR/CR = didn't read, can't read

Shook = concerned that one might be outed as a poser

Thicc = This Hoe Is Conspicuously Curvy

DTF = down (in) the field

Basic = a pickup truck that doesn't have chrome accessories, a light bar, a roll bar, a lift kit, step rails, a winch, truck nutz, mudders, stacks, bed lighting, Yeti sticker, sticker making fun of other brand of trucks/engines.

Extra = has more than one STD

GTFO = give this fellow oral

JGMDSIBK = just got my d*ck stuck in brass knuckles

Jun 22, 2017

Neck Cut from Smashing Pumpkins Shirt to Make Douchebag Country Bassist Look Cool

A $12 "vintage look" Smashing Pumpkins t-shirt was recently purchased from a Chicago area Walmart and mutilated for the express purpose of making Nick "Slickdawg" Bolan, the dipshit bassist for a major mainstream country singer, look badass. This absolute asshat took a pair of scissors to the cheap approximation of a Siamese Dream tour shirt, tearing holes in the sleeves and removing the neck fabric completely, all to make it appear to unknowing fans that he is a Pumpkins fan from way back.

Fans were none-the-wiser at the Friday night concert, shouting their approval and throwing up the rock hand sign (a ™ of Gene Simmons Inc. 2017) as the ridiculous looking ballbag pounced around the stage behind his meaty band leader. "Whoooo Smashing Pumpkins!" yelled Evanston native Carly Sitz. "I don't know who that is, but the bassist looks like a total bad ass!"

The v-cut neck of the black shirt bearing a photo of two little girls huddled closely, hung low across the turd's shaven and sculpted chest muscles, revealing an ample display of tacky skull necklaces and moronic tribal tattoos. The 15 year old female fans and their inappropriately dressed mothers ate it up.

Bolan, who's only ever heard one Smashing Pumpkins song because it's played over the arena sound system before shows, pouted and shot fierce looks into the sea of fans, who responded in awe at the posing tool's putrid mohawk-mullet combo and fake biker apparel. The fuckstick never missed a lick as he laid down a groove for hit after bro-country hit, his wallet chain swaying through the strobe lights.

The jerk-off plans to wear a shredded Goo Goo Dolls shirt for the next show in Minneapolis, having idiotically mistaken the Goo Goo Dolls for Minneapolis' Soul Asylum. The asinine choad's equally insipid stylist believes this will somehow grant him 'street cred' from a crowd of teenagers who've never heard of either band.

At press time, Bolan was shining his square-toe boots while listening to Lil Uzi Vert.

May 6, 2016

9 Signs You're the Bro-Country Fan of Your Friend Group

1. You don't understand any of the jokes your friends tell that don't involve dicks.

2. You tag along at parties where people discuss politics and pop culture, 
but you'd rather be drunk in a trailer park somewhere.

3. You dress and behave inappropriately at baby showers and weddings.

4. Things never end well when your friends let you pick the music in the car.

5. You always ruin the group photos.

6. Nobody ever goes with you to concerts, so you drink a lot at shows.

7. While everybody else is drinking wine and craft beer…

8. Your friends are always making fun of your tattoo.

9. But at least you get to enjoy your music in your own ride.

Sep 24, 2015

Treat Her Like They Do in Country Songs

The meme on the left has been going around for a while now.
It's probably not the best advice anymore.


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