Showing posts with label Hardy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hardy. Show all posts

Dec 14, 2021

Predicting 2022 in Mainstream Country Music



By Bobby Peacock

• Russell Dickerson revealed to actually be a deepfake

 Bobby continues to be the only person on the entire Internet not to like Lainey Wilson

 Luke Combs hits #1 with "Beer,” which is just him singing the word "beer" over and over again for four minutes

 Walker Hayes gets his second #1 with a cover of the "Chili's Baby Back Ribs" jingle

 Niko Moon runs crying to his mom when his next single fails to chart at all; claims radio PDs called him a poopyhead

 In an unprecedented move, Lauren Alaina records a duet with herself

 Kelsea Ballerini and HARDY propose to record a duet; plans canceled when they can't agree on which letters in the title should be capitalized, if any

 Jordan Davis buys dirt; realizes he can't find the one he can't live without; sells dirt

 Jason Aldean, Toby Keith, John Rich, Travis Tritt, and Aaron Lewis record a collab called "Red Voters with Blue Balls (Let's Go Brandon)"; song's lyric video gets deleted from YouTube for hate speech

 Brantley Gilbert actually does release the worst country song of all time -- oh wait, he already did that with "Bottoms Up"

 All four members of Parmalee discovered working at the same Arby's in Nashville

 Man previously caught sporting public erection due to Turnpike reunion hospitalized for priapism

 Cole Swindell gets his first celeb endorsement: his own personal line of Miracle Whip

 In an even more unprecedented move, Morgan Wallen releases a cover of Western Flyer's "Cherokee Highway"

 Bobby makes another stupidly long"best of the decade" list largely composed of songs that neither Trailer nor any Farce the Music reader has ever heard before

Aug 20, 2021

Man Wears Mask at Aldean Concert Because He’s Embarrassed to Be There

Country superstar Jason Aldean recently praised his New York fans for their lack of masks at his Wantagh show on August 7th. While certain jurisdictions, venues, and organizations either mandate or urge the use of masks during the continued Covid-19 pandemic, the singer was happy to see his crowd defy those suggestions.

One man Aldean didn’t notice, however, was definitely wearing a mask. 


Ben Trask of Levittown withstood the stares and occasional crude remarks from fellow concert-goers and kept his face covering on for the entire duration of the show. He also wore the mask while driving to and leaving the show. 


When asked if he donned the fabric over health concerns, Trask laughed. “Hell no. I just didn’t want anybody I know to see me going to, being in attendance at, or leaving a Jason Aldean concert.”


Trask was tasked with taking his step-daughter and her friends to the concert after drawing the short straw among the group of parents. “My wife got lucky!” said Trask. “She didn’t have to sit through this droning motherf***er for 2 damn hours singing about fields and trucks and trucks and fields.”


“I liked one of the opening singers, Lainey Wilson, but the rest of it was pure garbage,” he continued. “I’d be mortified if somebody took my picture being at this shitshow. They had a f***ing DJ, for god’s sake! At a supposed country concert!”


At press time, Ben was making sure his daughter didn’t tag him in any Facebook photo posts.

Dec 17, 2020

What Your Favorite 2020 Album Says About You Part 2

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Waylon Jennings - What Goes Around Comes Around

You have good taste, but are either convinced no good country music came out after 1979, or have suffered a lot of memory loss from the cocaine and pills.


Florida-Georgia Line - 6-Pack

You had never heard of Charley Pride until last week. You pronounce “EP” (which this is, not an album) as if it rhymes with “step.” You’re a contractor who only has negative reviews for driving like an a**hole.


Ashley McBride - Never Will

You are a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man. Or you’re anybody else with an ear for worthy music, actually. It’s damn good.


Hardy - A Rock

You’re a 25-32 year old male who lost his identity once bro-country went out of fashion and you are so damn thankful you now have something new to crank out of your 2013 ragged-out Raptor with the fading “Lifted Cause Fat Chicks Can’t Jump” sticker.


The Chicks - Gaslighter

You forced yourself to believe this is a great album to fit in with the other trendy left-leaning country fans on Twitter. You’re not enthused with Joe Biden, and are even less enthused with me making you do a self-assessment of what you really think of this, The Chicks’ worst album by a long shot.


Luke Bryan - Born Here, Live Here, Die Here

The last book you read was The Hunger Games. You only have a “Blue Lives Matter” sticker on your car so you won’t get a ticket for going 60 in a 35 every day taking your kids to soccer practice. 


Jason Isbell & The 400 Unit - Reunions

You are a sports writer. You frequently work “30-50 feral hogs” into everyday conversations.


Trapt - Shadow Work

You think the Covid vaccine is a Chinese ploy to seed the American population with mind control nanobots. You were one of the 12 people in attendance at Trapt’s most recent concert. You are the lead singer of Trapt. 


American Aquarium - Lamentations

You are not a pecan farmer. 


AC/DC - Power Up

This is the first album you purchased since AC/DC’s Black Ice. Your wife is tired of your vaping. You blame the pandemic for your weight gain, but you couldn’t fit in those size 36 Levi’s even last November.


Nov 4, 2020

The Current Poop of Mainstream Country Radio: November 2020

A poop emoji is negative. A strike-thru is positive. 


The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (-4) overall which is a 5 point improvement from August (the previous time we did this chart). The worst song by a long shot is Dan + Shay’s “I Should Probably Go to Bed.” The best song is Jon Pardi’s “Ain’t Always the Cowboy,” edging out Stapleton’s latest by a hair. There are some decent tunes here and the chart should improve a little more over the fall and winter. On a negative note, there’s only 1 solo woman, so we’re back to square one on that front. Do better, Nashville.


Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.



Oct 27, 2020

What Your Country Jack O'Lantern Says About You

 (okay, one's not country, sue me)


Huge Hardy or Morgan Wallen fan lives here. Will mad dog you if you look them in the eyes. Peaked in 10th grade (second try).

Garth Brooks

Will hand out the blandest candy in the neighborhood. May have bodies buried under the back porch. 


Danzig

Owns a lot of cats. Won’t actually sacrifice you to Satan, but that will be your first thought when you see them.


Kane Brown

Owner lost. Grab your own candy. 


Bama

Homeowner did not go to college. Loves Jason Aldean. Married cousin.


Carrie Underwood

Someone who speaks to a lot of managers lives here. They’re handing out raisins to trick-or-treaters.


Cody Jinks

One cool motherf**ker lives here!


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