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Local Man Arrested for Merchandise Tampering at Area Walmart

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, August 04, 2011 

Local country fan Reginald Spears was arrested over the weekend for merchandise tampering at the new Super Walmart out on the bypass. The details of his infractions are unique, to say the least. 

Third-shift electronics cashier Lena Johnston first noticed Spears rifling through the country CD section and filling a grocery cart with at least 100 discs before leaving the department. She thought he was just a rabid music fan until he returned 15 minutes later with the same cart and began slipping CDs back onto the shelves while looking around suspiciously. 

Johnston walked over to Spears and asked if he'd decided not to make the massive music purchase. Spears responded "Yeah, yeah uh, yes ma'am" and began sweating profusely. He became spooked shortly afterwards and haphazardly threw the remainder of his CDs on the shelf before walking away. Johnston investigated the country section and noticed that it was full of unwrapped, well-worn CDs that Spears had apparently brought from his home. Spears was apprehended by security, mostly without incident, before leaving the store. 

"I looked on the shelf and where Rascal Flatts was supposed to be, that scruffy looking man had put Flatt & Smugs or something like that... and where Taylor Swift had been, he'd replaced it with Tanya Tucker. I guess he'd stole all them new CDs and tried to replace 'em with his old junk," said a perplexed Johnston. 

Fresh out on bail, Mr. Spears had a far different story. "I didn't shoplift nothin'. I told the cops they could find all that country pop bullsh*t in the Rubbermaid garbage cans in home wares... where that crap belongs," said Spears. "I was just trying to give the people around here some damn culture, so I brought my whole collection up here to give away for free. Of course, I've got it all ripped on my laptop. My alphabetizing skills might be lacking, but I ain't stupid." 

"Can you believe they didn't have a Jerry Reed CD in the whole god***n store?" he continued. "Well, for 15 shining minutes last Friday night, they did." 

The shoplifting charges against Spears were dropped but he still faces misdemeanor charges of mischief and merchandise tampering. For his part, Reginald is considering legal action against the store. 

Spears explained: "They threw all my CDs in the dumpster and broke 'em, them motherf***ers! I'm suing their asses for destruction of property and mental anguish. I was just trying to help this town out... I'm a by-God patriot!" 

Walmart officials had no comment on the situation. 

"The Christmas Shoes" Sends Local Man Over the Edge

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, December 15, 2011 

Local country music fan Reginald Spears was arrested Tuesday for trespassing and destruction of property at WTSM Catfish 104.9 FM. Oddly enough, it was popular holiday song "The Christmas Shoes" that set him off. 

Spears had apparently called the station several times in recent weeks profanely complaining about the seasonal hit being played so frequently. "I appreciate feedback from our listeners," said station manager Bart McGee, "but a lot of people like to hear that song this time of year. It's a sweet, and in no way contrived or overwrought, story." 

Currently still in the Hazzard County Jail, Spears is facing potential stiff fines and further charges pending an FCC investigation of the incident that knocked WTSM off the air for approximately 28 hours Monday and Tuesday. 

Around noon on Monday, Spears allegedly climbed the fence behind the radio station and used industrial-grade bolt cutters to cut all wires and cables connecting the transmitter tower to the station. Miraculously unhurt despite the barbed wire and high voltage, Spears was only caught after posting a photo of himself urinating on the tower on Facebook. 

"I told that little weasely sumbitch DJ that if he played that 'Christmas Shoes' crap again, he was going to regret it," said the local man by phone interview yesterday. 

Describing the circumstances that caused him to snap, Spears continued: "My internet had been down since I hit the phone line digging a pool in the front yard two weeks ago, so I was forcing myself to listen to regular radio. I usually just turned it down when they played Rascal Fatts or Fartly Gilbert, but it seemed like every other song was that damn weepy-ass feel-good piece of crap. Man, I love Jesus and everything, but f*** me runnin', I want to commit Harry Caray [editorial note: we're sure this is how he would have spelled it] when I hear about mama meeting Him tonight." 

Over at WTSM, McGee tells us the Clear Channel affiliated radio station may sue Spears to recoup repair charges and loss of advertising revenue: "I can't understand how a lovely religious holiday song could make a man cause such damage - some folks just aren't wired right, I guess." 

NewSong had no comment at press time. 

Dan + Shay Arrested After Massive Bar Brawl

Hit pop-country duo Dan + Shay spent Thursday night in the clink after a violent fight at a Detroit Lakes, MN bar. The group's management declined to bail them out until this morning because, according to inside sources, "they refused our suggestion that they not go in there and get into trouble." 

At least 5 people were treated for injuries onsite and 1 went to the hospital after the massive brawl. Dan Smyers and Shay Mooney both declined treatment for minor facial bruises.

Dan and Shay had just played the WE Fest country music festival and were headed to their next stop, when the two pleaded with their driver to stop at Bunghole Pete's. Against the wishes of their management and the stern warnings of their band and crew (who were too scared to enter the sketchy dive), the two piled off the bus for a few cold ones. 

One witness, Karl Heidenreich, said that as soon as the pair grabbed a spot at the bar, guys in the establishment were wolf-whistling them and throwing peanuts in their direction. "They was wee tiny little fellas." said Karl, "And they was dressed like Scottish golf instructors… we don't get their kind in Pete's very often." 

Karl says a large biker from the Hellstrykers MC walked up to Mooney and said he was cute and asked him for a date. "I say live and let live, but them bikers thought those two was [sways hand back and forth] or whatever." Karl went on, "I didn't think it was real nice to pick at 'em, but then, I didn't think them little Smurf looking boys ought to have come in here either."

What happened next shocked Karl, and ended with Smyers and Mooney spending the night on cots at the Detroit Lakes city jail. 

"That adorable little man had that huge biker on the floor in a triangle choke before I could exhale my Black & Mild." laughed Heidenreich. "Another Stryker I know named Bukk Jameson tried to punch (Smyers) and ended up with a glass ashtray across his teeth. Them kids could go, man!"

Bartender Max Umbridge described the rest of the wild scene, telling us nearly $7,000 dollars damage was done to Bunghole Pete's. "The short one, wait they's both short I think… anyway, he put Bukk through a table with a modified powerbomb, and all hell broke loose." said Umbridge.

Fists flew for nearly 20 minutes. One man suffered a broken leg when Mooney applied the Texas cloverleaf on top of a pool table. Another was beaten unconscious in the ladies room by Smyers before the cops finally arrived. 

Dan and Shay are due in court next week for a preliminary hearing on charges of disorderly conduct, property damage, and mayhem. The Hellstrykers declined to press their own charges and, in fact, that's a made up name, because the actual M.C. said FTM was not to use their actual names under threat of violence because they were so embarrassed.

At press time, Dan + Shay was headed to Maryland Heights, MO for the next show on their tour supporting Rascal Flatts.

I'm Sorry, This Exists: Questionable Country Merch & Memorabilia

Mitchell Tenpenny "Bitches" shirt. Please wear this to the upcoming WWE Evolution all-women pay-per-view and get your ass beat.

Sam Hunt as an admiral artwork. For the person in your life who has everything …including bad taste.

George "Straight" t-shirt. Why does this keep happening?

Another one. Please stop. 

And a sign. SMH.

This FGL t-shirt. Buy now and it comes with a free pack of condoms so you won't procreate!

This ugly ass Cole Swindell dolman. Dolman? What the hell's a dolman?

Kane Brown prayer candle. Yeah, you better pray extra hard if you buy this.

"Sexy" Garth Brooks "G" panties. What lady wouldn't feel extra sexy wearing underpants feturing the logo of a rotund middle-aged rope-swinging country wildman on them? 

And finally, Rascal Flatts on Hostess products including donuts and Twinkies seems a little too on-the-nose to actually exist, but here ya go:

Eatin' With the Country Stars

And of course...

This is the kind of hard-hitting content you get in summer when music news is scarce.