The Crud Report: September 2020

Top 10 Fashion Tips for Brantley Gilbert Fans

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10. Research the business you’re applying with first, but confederate flag t-shirts are generally frowned upon for job interviews.

9. If you don’t look good in prison orange, you can accessorize with handmade hair necklaces or a sticker from the commissary.

8. Sagging pants aren’t really in fashion right now, but since you don’t care, just make sure you wear full coverage underpants.

7. Duct tape will hold the chain in your back pocket while you save for the wallet.

6. Camouflage is actually fairly fashionable right now, but make sure the camo you wear in public is free of briars and blood from sneaking through the woods to tend your still.

5. Collared shirts are essential work apparel for those of you… well, most of you… with neck tattoos.

4. When purchasing shorty shorts with words across the butt, make sure the wording isn’t something inappropriate that would get you fired from the snow-cone stand.

3. If you don’t have skinny genes, you might wanna skip the skinny jeans.

2. Wife beaters are a shirt style, not a lifestyle.

1. An oversized baseball hat can cover meth scars all the way to the eyebrows and you’ll look super cool.

By Jeremy Harris and Trailer

Cheers Country Reaction Gifs

Why do you care about other people listening to music you don't think is really country?

When Rebecca Howe says Willie Nelson is a pot-head commie

A typical radio station visit for a female country singer

When somebody plays Florida-Georgia Line on the jukebox

How you can tell a Brantley Gilbert fan just walked in

Lori McKenna is the best songwriter working today

Turnpike! Ragweed! Turnpike! Ragweed!

When Sawyer Brown came on at a party in the early 90s 

Georgia Touts “Better” Red Dirt Scene

The Georgia Department of Economic Development’s Tourism division is launching a new promotion to bring attention to the state’s country music scene, but they may be stepping on some toes. “Our dirt is redder,” laughed department chair Henry Dix. “And better.”

That’s even the tagline for the advertising campaign, which will appear in major print publications and a nationwide television advertisement. The marketing format seems to claim that Georgia’s “red dirt” music scene is greater than that of the beloved (and much longer lived as an actual scene) Oklahoma network of songwriters and musicians. 

Hank Dix, Tourism Director

Farce the Music spoke with Dix about the Georgia Red Dirt promotion.

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FTM: You’re aware that Oklahoma has had a Red Dirt scene for decades, and that Georgia has never had a music scene by that name?

Dix: Indeed! Otherwise, our motto wouldn’t make sense. Better than what?? Better than Oklahoma, that’s what! And we do really have red dirt.

FTM: Great. So, you’ve either just copied the nomenclature from an existing format of music, or pulled it out of your a** and expect it to take? You can’t give yourself a nickname.

Dix: Think of it as “giving that name a better home.” Good artists copy, great artists steal… as they say. If you look at it by pure sales, our scene dwarfs theirs in every category. Thus, we plan to trademark the term, and possibly allow them to continue its use in lower case. 

FTM: That’s some shady dealing there, but all’s fair in business it seems. You say your artists sell better. Who, exactly, are you considering to be “Red Dirt” in the Georgia music scene?

Dix: Have you ever heard of Luke Bryan? I thought so. That man alone has sold more albums and concert tickets than nearly every ragweed from Oklahoma combined. Oh, and we claim half of Florida-Georgia Line too. Just half their sales puts us over the entirety of their artists when added to Bryan’s sales. Then there’s Brantley Gilbert, a more humble and soulful songwriter than ever existed in Still Waters. 

FTM: It’s “Stillwater.” And hold up. You’re claiming national artists who have already made it in the mainstream as “Red Dirt” artists? 

Dix: And why not? They’re from here, many still live here, and they play here once or twice a year on tour. They bring more to our economy than Stoney LaDue ever brought to that dust bowl.

FTM: Gross. And it’s “LaRue.” You don’t even know what a music scene is, do you? 

Dix: Music evolves, terminology evolves. They’re just jealous. Justin Boland couldn’t shine Colt Ford’s boots. 

FTM: It’s “Jason” Boland. And their scene isn’t about platinum sales and laser shows and dancing at concerts. It’s about integrity and the love of music. You’re making a mockery of the name Red Dirt.

Dix: I’ll tell you about mockery. Nobody ever heard of 90% of their so-called artists. If music isn’t popular, it isn’t good. It’s about the bottom line, not well-written lines. Who the hell are the Red Dirt Rangers, LMAO (he said this aloud)? Are they some redneck Power Rangers? And the Turnrow Troubadours? LOL (again, said out loud), they got Yoko’d before they could even sell out Bridgestone. 

FTM: That’s offensive, and I’ve heard enough, and it’s “Turnpike.” You are an idiot.

Dix: And a good day to you too, sir! Before I go, everybody make sure to check out our up and coming Red Dirt® artists Sam Hunt, Jason Aldean, and Thomas Rhett!!

FTM: F**k off.

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At press time, Oklahoma’s Red Dirt scene had just claimed Garth Brooks, and taken the lead in the sales category.

Top 10 Reasons Brantley Gilbert Fans Won’t Wear a Mask

10. Hides badass new gold teeth

9. Legally barred from wearing a mask in public as a condition of recent parole

8. FaithFreedomFirepowerNews.org told them masks are the mark of the beast

7. Can’t find a mask with “Sexy White Trash” on it

6. Rubs up against herpes sores

5. Won’t fit over unkempt Grizzly Adams ass beard

4. Only mask they own is Confederate flag, which is currently frowned upon

3. Face tattoo still healing

2. Can’t smoke meth with a mask on

1. Masks aren’t provided in their particular penal institution

A Painful Meme

More Monday Memes: Kane Brown, Brantley Gilbert, Diamond Rio

The Jerk Country Reaction Gifs

The day Tyler Hubbard learned life wasn't what he expected

When somebody shows up to the fair with a full set of teeth and not wearing a Brantley Gilbert t-shirt

Oh you think Sam Hunt is country?

Me when somebody insults Dolly Parton

Looking at the country charts again...

When "Stay a Little Longer" comes on 

Leaving the Koe Wetzel concert like

Teaching your kid the difference between good country music and Luke Bryan

Mean Brantley Gilbert and Cole Swindell Memes

Top 11 Country-Related Ways to Be Helpful During the Pandemic

11. Teach a Kane Brown fan to read by FaceTime

10. Send a letter to your congressman informing them that your favorite bands can still perform live and stay under the 10 person recommendation

9. Remind hick-hop fans that not only should they wash their hands frequently, but that they should also wash their bodies from time to time

8. Paint an inspirational message on the local water tower in John Deere green

7. Tell the Dollar General manager that times are stressful enough without them playing bro-country in the store and kindly request they turn it off

6. Go to your favorite bartender's house and blare George Jones from their yard to cheer them up

5. Whatever Dolly Parton is doing, do that

4. Send a friendly postcard to a Brantley Gilbert fan in prison

3. Avoid political arguments unless one a’ them stinkin’ liberal pinko commie America-hatin’ Dixie Chicks fans starts it first

2. Use two pairs of Luke Bryan’s old pants to make one face mask for the local hospital 

1. Buy albums and merchandise from the independent musicians you enjoy (or tip them during their live shows on Instagram, Facebook, etc)

~By Trailer and Jeremy Harris

Country Singers as Tiger King Characters

Idea and the first 5 of these by Hippies & Cowboys. Make sure to check out their podcast!

What Country Fanbases Are Doing During Coronavirus Lockdown

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Brantley Gilbert fans: 

The usual - morning bell, inmate count, breakfast, work detail, inmate count…

Luke Bryan fans: 

young - Tik Tok dance videos; older - drinking wine, also doing Tik Tok videos

Florida-Georgia Line fans: 

going to the beach, going to parties, having sex with people they just met

Kane Brown: 

doing chores, homework, texting other kids their age

Mitchell Tenpenny: 

maintaining their regimen of ceftriaxone and azithromycin, stalking exes

Tyler Childers: 

morel hunting, drinking themselves blind

Kelsea Ballerini: 

journaling, skin care, skin care journaling

Sturgill Simpson: 

N/A - he has run off all his fans

Charlie Daniels Band: 

sharing factually incorrect memes, going to church, sleeping with Fox News on

Upchurch: 

hoarding, cooking