Farce the Music: Brantley Gilbert

Showing posts with label Brantley Gilbert. Show all posts

Jun 25, 2019

Tuesday Morning Memes: Brantley Gilbert, FGL, Walker Hayes

May 29, 2019

Brantley Gilbert Fan to Graduate High School

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, February 21, 2012

Brantley Gilbert fan Nat Barksdale of Covington, Georgia, recently announced that he will graduate high school this spring, making him the first Gilbert fan to do so without the aid of post-dropout GED courses.

"My counselor says it looks like I'm going to scrape by in driver's ed and welding class and finally graduate!" said an elated Nathaniel, who will gain his 22nd credit, making him graduation-ready after six years of studious classwork. "It's been a struggle," he admitted, "but thanks to a couple of tutors and Brantley Gilbert's inspirational music, I'm going to throw that mortal board (sic) in the air this May!"

"It was dicey there for a while," said Barksdale's frazzled guidance counselor Renny Smith, "but we finally got him off crystal meth and got him to buckle down and it looks like he'll be out of my hair for good!" She continued: "He's a pretty good boy, but that arson conviction in 10th grade really set him back; I'm thankful he put his nose to the grindstone and is finishing on a high note."

After an uncomfortably long parking lot kiss from his 8th grade girlfriend, Jeanette Cosby, Nat told us: "You don't know how happy I was to hear the word 'graduation.' Me and Jeanny can finally get married this summer!" Cosby, in her second trimester of pregnancy, smiled and added: "Nat's gonna start at the A/C coil factory in June and mama's already got us a spot picked out for the trailer."

Strains of Brantley Gilbert's "You Don't Know Her Like I Do" echoed through the low-riders and Bondocolored economy cars as the couple danced a victory waltz. Barksdale's 'homeboys' stood back against a cattle-guard gate smoking and gently applauding the success of their Affliction-tshirt-clad idol.

"We're hitting up the Eric Church/Brantley Gilbert show in Orange Beach next month to celebrate!" exclaimed Barksdale, tipping back a Steel Reserve tallboy.

"Well, I've got to get back to Algebra 1 before I get counted tardy," said the 20-year-old as he bid us adieu through the haze of Camel smoke.

At press time, Nat was expected to be granted a lifetime membership to the Brantley Gilbert Nation fan club for his unprecedented academic accomplishments.

Apr 5, 2019

Dirt Road Actually Pretty Boring

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, October 06, 2011

Jason Aldean fans Shelley Young and Lyndi Berks recently traveled into rural Mississippi to experience the fun and charming world of Aldean's smash hit "Dirt Road Anthem." What they sampled instead was a level of sheer dullness they had not come to know in their entire previous 17 years on the planet.

Clad in matching "My Kinda Party" tour shirts, boots and cut-off jeans, the pair borrowed Berks' dad's old Dodge Ram and headed for less-developed paths.

"It was so boring I wanted to shoot myself in the face," exaggerated Madison Central High School senior Young. "That song made dirt roads sound like so much fun, but it's just like bugs and dirt and stuff! I mean, you can tell Jason totally knows what he's talking about when he wrote that song and maybe dirt roads are just more fun in Georgia, but I'd rather listen to a Merle Haggard song than get off the blacktop ever again!"

The girls started off on an unnamed county road in neighboring Holmes County, by swerving "like George Jones" and smoking Kool cigarettes. "But dust was rolling IN the window... and the smoke was just making us cough," related Berks. "And I could only get 1G on my Galaxy S!"

Next, they searched for a party in a pasture to attend, but found only cows, horses and a couple of discarded washing machines. "We stopped at a trailer to ask a guy if there was a party anywhere and he said the party was 'right here' and pointed to his pleather couch... I think he was on meth," said Shelley.

The trip ended with a failed attempt at purchasing an Old Milwaukee tallboy to place "in the console." "That old woman said we looked like we were twelve. Dumb b*tch, like she was gonna make any other money that day. Does anybody even live that far away from a Hollister?" complained Berks.

In summation, dirt roads "suck," "blow" and caused the girls to "SMH" and say "FML" multiple times. "But we still love Jason! He's so hot!" they cooed in perfect harmony.

Mar 18, 2019

Fire It Up, BG Nation

Feb 6, 2019

Bad for Your Health

Thanks to @shelbyjo for sending me this pic!

Jan 16, 2019

The Next Smash for Jordan Lynch or Mitchell Davis or Whoever

If You Say I'm Not Country

I like sugar in my unsweet tea

And my Texas chili full of beans

And I'll be on your ass like jeans

If you say I'm not country

I like to hunt a little snipe

And eat honeysuckle when it's ripe

And mister I might pull a knife

If you say I'm not country

Cause I'm from where they sing about

in songs from Kenny and Tim

Down there on that ol' rural route

Where I have definitely been

Church and mama and all that stuff

And girls sweet as Georgia plums

If you say I'm not, I'll call your bluff

I'm as country as they come

I love to crank those old outlaw songs

Turn up the Brantley and sing along

I'll throw hands and prove you wrong

If you say I'm not country

Cause I love me a Grizzly pouch

There's red on my neck skin

From working tater fields down south

Where I have definitely been

Shine and biscuits and all that stuff

And girls sweet as Georgia plums

If you say I'm not, I might get rough

I'm as country as they come

Bridge

You can say I use snap beats

You can say I'm auto-tuned

But you can't say I'm not country

Just look at my Aldean tattoo

Yeah I'm from where they sing about

in songs from Kenny and Tim

Down there on that ol' rural route

Where I have definitely been

Church and mama and all that stuff

And girls sweet as Georgia plums

If you say I'm not, I'll call your bluff

I'm as country as they come

Jan 4, 2019

WWE Country Reaction Gifs 34

When you think you've done everything you can do to avoid hearing Kane Brown, then his Amazon Music commercial comes on TV

Everyone who made Mitchell Tenpenny a thing deserves...

When your uncle gave you a Florida-Georgia Line CD for Christmas because your granny told him you like country

Too bad this isn't symbolic of country radio

When you see Randy Houser talking shit about mainstream country music

Rusev must be a Brantley Gilbert fan

When somebody plays whatever a Filmore is for Hulk Hogan

♫ ♬ Guitar man playing all night long

Take me back to where the music hit me ♫ ♬

Dec 6, 2018

"The Christmas Shoes" Sends Local Man Over the Edge

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, December 15, 2011

Local country music fan Reginald Spears was arrested Tuesday for trespassing and destruction of property at WTSM Catfish 104.9 FM. Oddly enough, it was popular holiday song "The Christmas Shoes" that set him off.

Spears had apparently called the station several times in recent weeks profanely complaining about the seasonal hit being played so frequently. "I appreciate feedback from our listeners," said station manager Bart McGee, "but a lot of people like to hear that song this time of year. It's a sweet, and in no way contrived or overwrought, story."

Currently still in the Hazzard County Jail, Spears is facing potential stiff fines and further charges pending an FCC investigation of the incident that knocked WTSM off the air for approximately 28 hours Monday and Tuesday.

Around noon on Monday, Spears allegedly climbed the fence behind the radio station and used industrial-grade bolt cutters to cut all wires and cables connecting the transmitter tower to the station. Miraculously unhurt despite the barbed wire and high voltage, Spears was only caught after posting a photo of himself urinating on the tower on Facebook.

"I told that little weasely sumbitch DJ that if he played that 'Christmas Shoes' crap again, he was going to regret it," said the local man by phone interview yesterday.

Describing the circumstances that caused him to snap, Spears continued: "My internet had been down since I hit the phone line digging a pool in the front yard two weeks ago, so I was forcing myself to listen to regular radio. I usually just turned it down when they played Rascal Fatts or Fartly Gilbert, but it seemed like every other song was that damn weepy-ass feel-good piece of crap. Man, I love Jesus and everything, but f*** me runnin', I want to commit Harry Caray [editorial note: we're sure this is how he would have spelled it] when I hear about mama meeting Him tonight."

Over at WTSM, McGee tells us the Clear Channel affiliated radio station may sue Spears to recoup repair charges and loss of advertising revenue: "I can't understand how a lovely religious holiday song could make a man cause such damage - some folks just aren't wired right, I guess."

NewSong had no comment at press time.