Showing posts with label Cole Swindell. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cole Swindell. Show all posts

Nov 27, 2019

Small Town Way Sh**tier Than Country Songs Say


Auburn sophomore Paul Reynolds, home on Thanksgiving break, came to the startling realization that his hometown is way shittier than mainstream country songs say it is. In fact, just the drive back into his southern Georgia birthplace showed that it was a poorly-maintained, slowly dying crap-hole compared to the idyllic settings portrayed on the pop-country airwaves.

The old family-owned drugstore where he used to buy candy as a kid was now a payday loan with an ice cream counter. Where there wasn’t a pawn shop or high interest-rate financial scam business, there was a Walgreens or CVS. There were approximately 32 Dollar Generals. There was one Dollar General you could see another Dollar General from. Were there any Cole Swindell verses about Dollar Generals? 

Paul drove downtown, where country songs say the square is epicenter of tiny town culture. No teenagers were cruising, but there were about 5 of them in the vape shop that used to be a fancy cigar shop. He heard no bluegrass band playing on the plaza, but there were a couple of gunshots nearby. The beloved old men’s clothing store was now a hip wedding party venue for the private school set. Never heard about that in a Brantley Gilbert song.

Wednesday night, he figured he’d hit up his old high school friends to go out. Unfortunately, his buddy Matt had some sort of Facebook drama with his baby mama and couldn’t risk having his picture taken at the bar that night. Larry wasn’t home because he was in jail for selling pills. He thought about calling Kenneth, but Kenneth had a face tattoo now. Justin Moore never sang about this shit.

Throwing one last Hail Mary in an attempt to capture that throwback vibe of an Aldean tune, Paul went out and sipped a beer on a picnic table at the lake. Many a bonfire party and make-out session had taken place here, but tonight there was only one sketchy dude asking if he wanted to buy some meth. “Kiss my ass, Dustin Lynch” Paul told the confused narcotics dealer, before driving back to his folks’ house, completely sobered up. 

Nov 20, 2019

Mainstream Country Singer You’ve Never Heard of Announces Headlining Tour


A nondescript male who sings what they call country music these days has announced his first headlining tour. The gentleman, who recently notched his first unmemorable, inoffensive #1 hit at country radio, already has a tour bus with his generally-regarded-as-handsome-self performing, wrapped around its exterior. 

Dude’s debut single “Baby, Tonight, Yeah” hit number one on Country Aircheck in July after spending nearly a full year being pimped, prodded, and politicked to that peak. Even though his second single has been lingering in the upper-40s on the charts and not a single person outside maybe 62,000 fangirls could even pick this man out of a lineup of two people, his label thinks it’s time to take the step to playing medium sized clubs and sheds. 

Fella just came off another mildly successful tour supporting Cole Russell or Chris Tenpenny or somebody like that who also hit the top spot with their introductory big hit that neither you nor I can recall a mere 6 months after it’s ascension to the position of number one song in all of America.

“I’m just thrilled to get out there and give the fans my best,” beamed Mr. Bro-man. “We’ll play my entire EP and way too many covers and I think it’ll be a great time!” The guy’s management is busy getting all the merch ready - from throw pillows to boy shorts to beer koozies that will be sold in a yard sale next year - and they foresee big business. 

“This performer is coming off a hard-lobbied smash and it’s time to strike while at least the population of a small city knows who he is; we all know he may be playing state fairs in no time, so why not squeeze every dollar we can get out of this tall, handsome product?” laughed Jacob Dillerson, the singer’s publicist.

At press time, homeboy’s second single “Girl, My Truck Awaits” had just leapfrogged three well-written, interesting songs from women to climb into the top 40.


Aug 1, 2018

I'm Sorry, This Exists: Questionable Country Merch & Memorabilia

Mitchell Tenpenny "Bitches" shirt. Please wear this to the upcoming WWE Evolution all-women pay-per-view and get your ass beat.



Sam Hunt as an admiral artwork. For the person in your life who has everything …including bad taste.



George "Straight" t-shirt. Why does this keep happening?



Another one. Please stop. 



And a sign. SMH.



This FGL t-shirt. Buy now and it comes with a free pack of condoms so you won't procreate!



This ugly ass Cole Swindell dolman. Dolman? What the hell's a dolman?



Kane Brown prayer candle. Yeah, you better pray extra hard if you buy this.



"Sexy" Garth Brooks "G" panties. What lady wouldn't feel extra sexy wearing underpants feturing the logo of a rotund middle-aged rope-swinging country wildman on them? 




And finally, Rascal Flatts on Hostess products including donuts and Twinkies seems a little too on-the-nose to actually exist, but here ya go:


Mar 15, 2018

3 Up 3 Down: March 2018


3 Up

Luke Bryan - Most People Are Good
What's this? Luke Bryan spoken of in a positive manner? Have you finally lost it, Trailer? Nope - a good song's a good song. This tune is simple, quaint even. It has timely and timeless lyrics. Luke does a fine job with it. On top of that, it's a country song. I know he's still got to pump out the mindless bangers to keep the arenas full, but let's at least hope he's beginning a transition to more mature fare like this winner.
A-

Cole Swindell - Break Up in the End
What's this? Cole Swindell spoken of in a positive manner? etc. 
This one is actually more of a surprise to me, since (and I'm not blustering here) this is the very first Swindell song I have liked even a little. Cole's still no crooner, but his plain-spoken voice lends this heartbreaker some gravity. Some will read the lyrics and say this is a wimpy song, but ultra vulnerable ballads like this are scattered through the careers of greats like George Strait, Vern Gosdin, and Willie Nelson. Not saying Cole should ever be mentioned in the same breath as those folks, but "Break Up in the End" is a step in the right direction.
B+

Ashley McBryde - A Little Dive Bar in Dahlonega
A song like this makes you think there's still a chance to turn country radio around. It takes a look back at the missteps that end up making us stronger. Fresh, hopeful, and upbeat with a hint of sadness. And it's country. Ashley's voice is strong and memorable, and with material like this, I can't wait to hear her upcoming debut album. (Side note: my honeymoon was in Dahlonega - beautiful town and surrounding area.)
A


3 Down

Jordan Davis - Singles You Up
More of this trend of melting pot folk/R&B/pop schlock - think Sam Hunt, but not so much talking. Who says "singles you up" anyway? Lame, boring, trend-chasing, and it's a hit, of course. Nice beard, broseph.
D

David Lee Murphy & Kenny Chesney - Everything's Gonna Be Alright
What a disappointment. David Lee Murphy had a nice, albeit brief, run of good tunes in the 90s and he's a solid songwriter. Kenny, while still Kenny, can surprise you every now and then with a great tune. This one's not. It may as well be sung by Devin Davis Jordan Walker Hunt.
D+

Bebe Rexha ft. Florida-Georgia Line - Meant to Be
Yeah well. What'd you expect? This is shit. Some claim it to be a good pop song, but it's grating as hell to me. And who cares anyway? If I come home to a pig in the back yard with my dogs, I wouldn't think "What an impressive pig - I bet it could win some state fairs." No, I think "Why the hell is there a swine in my yard?" It doesn't belong.
F


Feb 2, 2018

NFL Country Reaction Gifs

(some are from halftime shows)


That time Cole Swindell was a dancer
at the Super Bowl halftime show

When Jason Isbell decided professional football wasn't for him

When the creator of country music is really feeling confident

Tom: How'd you like that Walker Hayes 
album I recommended?
Teammate: 

One look at the country music chart and you're like...

Hey Gronk, you hear about that Sam Hunt/Luke Bryan tour?

When you read even the slightest rumor that
Chris Knight might release an album this year

Making sure everybody knows you were offended
by that country music article you read online



Jan 25, 2018

Cole Swindell Falls Asleep During Cole Swindell Concert

Country superstar Cole Swindell recently fell asleep during a Cole Swindell concert. The "Chillin' It" singer, currently on his Down Home acoustic tour in support of his annual Down Home Sessions EP, dozed off during an extended guitar solo on his hit "Ain't Worth The Whiskey."

Bassist Adam Cunningham noticed Swindell dropping his head a few times during the middle of the concert, but only noticed that the vocalist had actually dozed off when he started swaying on his stool in an atypically rhythmic manner. "I jogged over to him and nudged him and he just about fell," related Cunningham, stifling his own yawn.

"That concert was so monotonous." explained Cole. "The songs didn't say anything and most of them sounded the same… and the singer was flat. The musicians did their best with the material but heck, Michael Jordan would've sucked if he'd had to dribble a football."

The consummate professional, Swindell was able to shake off the cobwebs and tediously finish the last three songs, before collapsing into a pile of curtains backstage to finish his siesta.

"It's a good thing Adam was there when I nodded off," laughed Swindell. "Or I'd have been all over YouTube the next day. I mean, honestly, it would have been the most exciting thing to ever happen at one of my shows."

The Down Home Tour, which provides nap pallets and blankets in the back for sleepy fans, rolls into Chicago tonight and continues into the spring, when Swindell will begin his first major headlining tour.

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