Predicting 2022 in Mainstream Country Music

By Bobby Peacock

• Russell Dickerson revealed to actually be a deepfake

• Bobby continues to be the only person on the entire Internet not to like Lainey Wilson

• Luke Combs hits #1 with "Beer,” which is just him singing the word "beer" over and over again for four minutes

• Walker Hayes gets his second #1 with a cover of the "Chili's Baby Back Ribs" jingle

• Niko Moon runs crying to his mom when his next single fails to chart at all; claims radio PDs called him a poopyhead

• In an unprecedented move, Lauren Alaina records a duet with herself

• Kelsea Ballerini and HARDY propose to record a duet; plans canceled when they can't agree on which letters in the title should be capitalized, if any

• Jordan Davis buys dirt; realizes he can't find the one he can't live without; sells dirt

• Jason Aldean, Toby Keith, John Rich, Travis Tritt, and Aaron Lewis record a collab called "Red Voters with Blue Balls (Let's Go Brandon)"; song's lyric video gets deleted from YouTube for hate speech

• Brantley Gilbert actually does release the worst country song of all time -- oh wait, he already did that with "Bottoms Up"

• All four members of Parmalee discovered working at the same Arby's in Nashville

• Man previously caught sporting public erection due to Turnpike reunion hospitalized for priapism

• Cole Swindell gets his first celeb endorsement: his own personal line of Miracle Whip

• In an even more unprecedented move, Morgan Wallen releases a cover of Western Flyer's "Cherokee Highway"

• Bobby makes another stupidly long"best of the decade" list largely composed of songs that neither Trailer nor any Farce the Music reader has ever heard before

Congratulations!

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Wrasslin' Country Reaction Gifs #49 XL Edition

 It's Wrestlemania week, so here's an extra large edition of country reaction gifs.

If your friend doesn’t like Arlo McKinley

When I see FGL has yet another #1 song

When I see Alan Jackson’s new album has 21 songs

“Country music is an amalgamation of all America’s styles of music”

When somebody tries to tell me Chris Gaines and Garth Brooks are the same person

If I went to a pop-country music festival, I’d leave like this

Hey, let’s listen to my new Luke Bryan deluxe edition

When you walk in the bar in a good mood and they’re playing Parmalee

Niko Moon doesn’t like sad songs. Well f*** him, I do

To the hard rock bottom of your heart

Wrasslin' Country Reaction Gifs 48

 Us 'haters' every time a new pop country artist comes out

You ready for the Morgan Wade album tomorrow?

Still more country than Niko Moon

Can you believe Parmalee has the #1 "country" song?

 ♫♪ There's aaaan old flame buuuurnin' in your eyes ♫♪

The equivalent of walking into a store where a Sam Hunt song is playing

Morgan Wallen's gonna come back like...

Honest Billboard Country Top 20

Frasier Country Reaction Gifs

Morgan Wallen's PR rep opening up Twitter Wednesday

Parmalee has another top ten hit

♫♪♪ smoke a little smoke, drink a little drink ♫♪♪

Do you want to hear the new Kidd G song?

"Don't you ever talk like that about Merle again, and...

When your kid says he digs that new Morgan Wa.... de song

Why is pop now hip-hop, country now pop, and Americana now country?

Florida-Georgia Line songwriting session

Country Music Video Country Reaction Gifs

 Hank, gimme a sign if you like drinkin'

When Yonder Mountain String Band is about to do an encore but you suddenly can't find the stage

When one of your kids dares play Dustin Lynch in your home

That truck that cut you off while cranking Florida-Georgia Line?

When I accidentally hear 2 seconds of that Parmalee & Blanco Brown song

Oh, you have tickets for a Chase Rice concert?

Do you like real country? Do you wanna be my friend?

When there's a pyramid of cans on the shore and a lake patrol boat behind you

3 Up, 3 Down: January '21

3 Up

Lainey Wilson - Things a Man Oughtta Know

First and foremost, this is a country song. It's a modern pop-country song, but it features organic instrumentation, country vocals, country imagery, and story-telling. There's listing, yeah, but it's used to the furtherance of the theme, revealing the message a little at a time. Good stuff, and highly impressive as a debut single. And it seems to be getting some traction.

B+

Carly Pearce - Next Girl

Clever hook, strong vocals, catchy melody, strong message. What's not to like? Carly is such a promising artist; I hope this is huge for her. 

B+

Eric Church - Hell of a View

A mid-tempo anthem in the vein of “Talledega” and “Springsteen,” this is another winner from Church. Hey guys in the category below: See! It’s possible to write a love song that isn’t whiny and tediously selling a supplicant viewpoint in a relationship. Be equals, you crybabies. Anyway, “Hell of a View” is catchy and poetic, and non-embarrassing.

B+

3 Down

Niko Moon - Good Time

I already said enough when I named this the worst ‘country’ song of 2020. It may qualify for 2021 too. It’s that bad. 

F

Cole Swindell - Single Saturday Night

Cole has done some moderately better work recently (not that the songs I actually like are ever released as singles) but this isn’t in that category. This starts off with all the sonic signifiers of boyfriend country and gets no better from there. Listless, forgettable, and cookie-cutter. “White Claw” brand name drop… is that the first in a hit song? Anyway, this sucks and it kinda feels desperate. 

D-

Parmalee & Blanco Brown - Just the Way

Another boyfriend country song, I’m seeing a theme. There is nothing whatsoever country about this song. It’s listless, forgettable, and cookie-cutter. And it’s so cloying and wimpy. Stop worshipping women. I mean, don’t worship men either, or any other gender. Who wants to be pandered to this damn much? It’s amazing that something so boring and bland can make me want to punch inanimate things to get my rage out. Crap. 

F

Major League Baseball Country Reaction Gifs

Honky tonk badonkadonk

Keepin' perfect rhythm make you wanna swing along

I ain't as good as I once was

But I'm as good once as I ever was

When Chris Stapleton blasts a three run homer in the 8th to take back the lead

Your cheatin' heart will tell on you

When they're playing Luke Bryan over the PA system

Is it cold in here, or is it just you?

When your give a damn's busted

(this is from the minors, but it had to be here)  

What you think of that new Parmalee song?

Somebody said there'd be no normal live concerts until 2022. Yeah, that's fine... no big deal.

The Florida-Georgia Line of baseball

10 Worst "Country" Songs of 2018

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1. Walker Hayes - 90s Country

Walker seems like a nice guy. He has kind eyes. I don't wanna harp on the guy, but as the youths of 2018 said "this ain't it." Most artists I don't care for show me at least one trait that makes me think they in some way deserve the success they've achieved. With Walker I'm not sure - he's nice? This song isn't nice. It barely qualifies as a song. It's certainly not country and bears no resemblance whatsoever to the 90s country songs it calls out, other than the fact that it uses the same words of the English language. This is bad. Embarrassingly bad. Somebody should hire Walker into marketing or management or artist development or something, because singing/songwriting doesn't seem to be his thing, and he seems like a swell fellow.

2. AJ McLean - Back Porch Bottle Service

Just stop. You're still making plenty off Backstreet Boys tours and their catalog of music, so leave the country music to the …uh, dudes who talk-sing about 'girls' over snap beats? Forget that part. Just know that this is subpar. Extremely subpar.

3. Keith Urban - Gemini

We (those of us who like actual pop-country that has a firm grip on the roots of country) lost Keith a long time ago and he keeps journeying farther into the ether with garbage like this. Stupid ass lyrics, soulless music ...and I'm just done with Nicole Kidman's husband. 

4. Parmalee - Hotdamalama

No trash talking is needed here.

5. Mitchell Tenpenny - Bitches

This guy sucks. I can't stand Kane Brown, but at least Kane's music occasionally puts on some country window dressing. Mitch here is pure pop music, or R&B lite, to be more exact. He sings like John Mayer with strep throat. Oh yeah, and he saw fit to foist a song about 'bitches' into the "country" world. Unfortunately for the world, it looks like 10cent is gonna be here for a while. 

6. Dustin Lynch - Good Girl

If I'm curiously listening to mainstream country radio (which is rare nowadays), as soon as I hear Dustin's voice, I'm out, and this song's the biggest offender. Pointless drivel. Not even gonna get into his missed potential - that's all in the past. Lynch is pop music for teenage girls who change the station from "Mo Bamba" when their dad walks into their room to make sure they're doing homework.

7. Mitchell Tenpenny - Drunk Me

See #5 but this one was a hit single. This guy is the worst.

8. Dylan Scott - Hooked

He might look 39, but he's 29 and despite the fact that he's been trying at country radio for 4 years now, somebody saw fit to vote him one of the New Faces for next year's CRS conference. Nothing to see here. Just cookie cutter BS from a tall dude who gets comments on YouTube like "hes ssooooosssoooo hotttt."

9. Sam Hunt - Downtown's Dead

I don't care for Sam's music, but at least most of his previous songs had something of a catchy melody. This is ear torture. I'd rank it higher (lower?) but it was such a flop, Sam stayed on hiatus. That's a nice silver lining and drops this tune down the rankings. 

10. Uncle Kracker - Floatin'

He's Uncle Kracker.

7 New Parody Album Covers: Kane Brown, The Band Perry, Eric Church, etc.