May 21, 2019
May 16, 2019
Country mullet 1989
Country mullet 2019
Social media 1989
Social media 2019
Keith Urban 1989
Keith Urban 2019
Country duo 1989
"Country" duo 2019
Lifted truck 1989
Lifted truck 2019
Apr 16, 2019
Apr 10, 2019
Dec 18, 2018
1. Walker Hayes - 90s Country
Walker seems like a nice guy. He has kind eyes. I don't wanna harp on the guy, but as the youths of 2018 said "this ain't it." Most artists I don't care for show me at least one trait that makes me think they in some way deserve the success they've achieved. With Walker I'm not sure - he's nice? This song isn't nice. It barely qualifies as a song. It's certainly not country and bears no resemblance whatsoever to the 90s country songs it calls out, other than the fact that it uses the same words of the English language. This is bad. Embarrassingly bad. Somebody should hire Walker into marketing or management or artist development or something, because singing/songwriting doesn't seem to be his thing, and he seems like a swell fellow.
2. AJ McLean - Back Porch Bottle Service
Just stop. You're still making plenty off Backstreet Boys tours and their catalog of music, so leave the country music to the …uh, dudes who talk-sing about 'girls' over snap beats? Forget that part. Just know that this is subpar. Extremely subpar.
3. Keith Urban - Gemini
We (those of us who like actual pop-country that has a firm grip on the roots of country) lost Keith a long time ago and he keeps journeying farther into the ether with garbage like this. Stupid ass lyrics, soulless music ...and I'm just done with Nicole Kidman's husband.
4. Parmalee - Hotdamalama
No trash talking is needed here.
5. Mitchell Tenpenny - Bitches
This guy sucks. I can't stand Kane Brown, but at least Kane's music occasionally puts on some country window dressing. Mitch here is pure pop music, or R&B lite, to be more exact. He sings like John Mayer with strep throat. Oh yeah, and he saw fit to foist a song about 'bitches' into the "country" world. Unfortunately for the world, it looks like 10cent is gonna be here for a while.
6. Dustin Lynch - Good Girl
If I'm curiously listening to mainstream country radio (which is rare nowadays), as soon as I hear Dustin's voice, I'm out, and this song's the biggest offender. Pointless drivel. Not even gonna get into his missed potential - that's all in the past. Lynch is pop music for teenage girls who change the station from "Mo Bamba" when their dad walks into their room to make sure they're doing homework.
7. Mitchell Tenpenny - Drunk Me
See #5 but this one was a hit single. This guy is the worst.
8. Dylan Scott - Hooked
He might look 39, but he's 29 and despite the fact that he's been trying at country radio for 4 years now, somebody saw fit to vote him one of the New Faces for next year's CRS conference. Nothing to see here. Just cookie cutter BS from a tall dude who gets comments on YouTube like "hes ssooooosssoooo hotttt."
9. Sam Hunt - Downtown's Dead
I don't care for Sam's music, but at least most of his previous songs had something of a catchy melody. This is ear torture. I'd rank it higher (lower?) but it was such a flop, Sam stayed on hiatus. That's a nice silver lining and drops this tune down the rankings.
10. Uncle Kracker - Floatin'
He's Uncle Kracker.
Dec 7, 2018
Post Malone - Beerbongs & Bentleys
You never use the "hard R." Your dad pays for college, but has threatened to cut you off if you come home with a face tattoo.
American Aquarium - Things Change
You haven't written a humorous tweet since November 2016. You drive a Nissan Leaf but keep your hidden away Harley tuned up for when it's okay to have fun again.
Whitey Morgan & the .78s - Hard Times and White Lines
You wear shirts with curse words on them to family reunions. When you type "Luke Bryan, never heard of her" on Facebook, your co-workers in the maintenance department all click "like."
Brandi Carlile - By the Way, I Forgive You
You picked an apartment to rent based on its walking proximity to a Whole Foods. You have broken up with someone based on their bad recycling habits.
Sleep - The Sciences
You aren't really patient, you just smoke a shit ton of weed. You spend more money on eye drops than you do body wash.
Ashley Monroe - Sparrow
You are horny like 24/7.
Keith Urban - Graffiti U
You're still living pretty comfortably off the divorce settlement, but you sell LulaRoe and essential oils on Facebook for extra cash.
Ashley McBryde - Girl Going Nowhere
You are a thoughtful and passionate connoisseur of music. You have definitely punched a man in the face before.
Godsmack - When Legends Rise
You didn't know they put out an album in 2018, but it must be the best album of the year because they kick ass man! You have punched a woman before.
Father John Misty - God's Favorite Customer
You have had your feces tested, and no, it does not stink. You won't date a woman who's prettier than you.
Nov 30, 2018
Country music used to be about rain, now it's about
When a 6'2", handsome, blue-eyed dude who can kinda carry a tune walks into a Nashville record exec's office
♫ ♬ There was always love in daddy's hands ♫ ♬
Me to my wife, after Keith Urban won Entertainer of the Year
I remember the first time I actually listened to "He Stopped Loving Her Today"
When "Take Me Back to Tulsa" comes on...
and you're a bad dancer
Bebe Rexha and Florida-Georgia Line were finally beaten at #1 on the Billboard Hot Country chart ...by Kane Brown
When a Kane Brown ad plays before the video you wanted to watch on YouTube
Nov 27, 2018
Nov 16, 2018
When Keith Urban won Entertainer of the Year at the CMAs
When you're from the 50s and ask somebody what country music sounds like in the 2000s and they play you Walker Hayes
When you find an Old Dominion song on your wife's "Favorite Songs" playlist
When you smell T-R-O-U-B-L-E
When Ethel says Kelsea Ballerini's performance was her favorite on the CMAs
Reading Kane Brown fan tweets
What's a Bebe Rexha and why is it playing on the CMAs??
When tonight the Vitameatavegamin let you down
Still more country than Sam Hunt