What Your Favorite Country Summer Song Says About You

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Dierks Bentley - Somewhere on a Beach

You hated bro-country, but can make an exception on this song because Dierks is your guy. You talk yourself into Dierks being above all that because he plays bluegrass sometimes. You’ve reached the age you’re starting to get all the “I got injured by sleeping wrong” memes. 

Little Big Town - Pontoon

You’re not really a big music listener. You just like this one because you think “motorboatin’” is funny. Usually, you’re listening to various Housewives of (whatever city) podcasts and texting while you cut people off in your Maxima.

Alan Jackson - Summertime Blues

You couldn’t think of anything else, so the first one with “summer” in the title that popped into your head was your answer. Not that it’s a bad song, it’s just that “Chattahoochee” was right there. You spend most of your free time rewatching The Pacific War in Color.

Kenny Chesney - No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problem

You’re fifty-two, recently divorced, and having the time of your life. You own Chesney’s entire discography but love the hits the most. You’ve seen him live 23 times and secretly think he’d love you if you could just meet him. You’ve ended friendships over “he might be gay” jokes. 

Aaron Lewis - Endless Summer

Your endless summer includes calling people gay online, drinking approximately 700 Bud heavies in your back yard, and trying to get your son into “real country music” like Aaron, Upchurch, and Buddy Brown. 

Jimmy Buffett - Margaritaville

You are a basic ass bitch. 

Beyoncé - Texas Hold ‘Em

Your endless summer includes threatening to move out of the country if Trump wins, drinking approximately 200 Titos & cranberry with the girls, and visiting multiple doctors to try to get on Ozempic even though you don’t really need it. 

Sam Hunt - Body Like a Back Road

You never received affection from your dad as a kid. You tried being an influencer but spend too much time embroiled in drama with ex-boyfriends to ever put out any content besides a couple of yoga pants thirst traps. You have a degree in something that could make you six figures a year but still work at the tanning salon in your hometown.

Travis Tritt - The Girl’s Gone Wild

Just kidding. There is no such person in the world that would name this song as a favorite anything. 

Morgan Wallen ft. FGL - Up Down

You don’t get offended by Farce the Music memes because you don’t understand them. You have never voted. You were ahead of the curve and made a low rider out of your $72K truck before your state outlawed squatting them. Your dad says if you’re not taking summer school, you gotta get a job to cover your online gambling addiction. He’s tired of covering for you, Dylan. 

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♫ Go rest high on that mountain ♫

The proper response to hearing "Drunk on a Plane" in 2023

Every bro-country song be like...

If your girlfriend wanted you to cut off your mullet right after Morgan Wallen cut his

If you claim you can make it through a Walker Hayes album

Zach Bryan fans when he drops some more sad high school boy poetry

*This is from Go-Bots, but I don't care*

Major label to newly signed Americana dude:

"Can you add a bridge to this song?"

When I see Aldean and Maren Morris fans going at it

Charles Wesley Godwin fans when he drops some more sad Appalachian man poetry

The Current Poop of Mainstream Country Radio: May '23

A poop emoji is negative, a strike thru is positive, an asterisk

denotes a song where the good attributes and the bad are dead even.

The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (-6) overall which is a 9 point drop from March (the previous time we did this chart). The best song is Cody Johnson's "Human." The worst is Parmalee's "Girl in Mine" which is somehow worse than Dan + Shay and Tyler Hubbard's current offerings. It's pretty precipitous drop in quality from last time, but we're heading into summer so that's to be expected. It's nice to see Joe Nichols back in the top 20!

Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.

Dierks Bentley Just as Surprised as You That He Has 22 #1 Hits

Country music star Dierks Bentley reported Thursday that he is just as surprised as you to find out that he has twenty-two number one country hits. The Arizona-born singer expressed outright shock that he’d reached such an impressive milestone.

“22??” he asked incredulously, “How is that even possible when it takes a year for a song to move up the chart if your name isn’t Morgan Wallen or Luke Combs?” He couched that statement with a “No offense guys; take me on tour.”

Bentley went on to attempt to name 10 of the songs that hit number one on either the Mediabase/Country Aircheck country chart. 

“Well obviously there’s “Gold” which I remember because it’s my last single, but after that it gets sketchy,” he laughed. “Okay, uh… “What Was I Thinkin’” was my first, then there were like 5 in a row that sounded alike that might’ve hit #1… does “Every Mile Down the Road I Go Alone” sound right?”

“”Sideways!” …that’s one for sure,” he went on. “Okay, being drunk somewhere popped into my head… a beach, a plane, church?, maybe at Kid Rock’s bar?” 

Bentley, 47, was unable to name another of his single releases that had topped the charts correctly, throwing out phrases like he was playing Win, Lose, or Draw. “It’s hard because, you know, either my songs are party hard uptempo songs or mid tempo songs about driving somewhere, it’s difficult to keep up, honestly,” admitted Bentley.

At press time, Dierks was lamenting not being a trend-chaser and was considering a few bass drops and curse words on his next record. 

The Crud Report: May '23

Elderly Country Songs: Dierks, Koe Wetzel, Sam Hunt, etc.

Dierks Bentley

Drunk on a Golf Cart

Somewhere on a Bus

What the Hell Did You Say

Ashley McBryde

Granny Put Your Bra On

Gospel Night at the Bingo Hall

Light on in the Chrysler

Sam Hunt

Nursing Home Party

83

Breaking Up Was Easy in the 50s

Take My Time

Koe Wetzel

February 28, 1946

Shrunk Driving

Can’t Die Young

Jake Owen

Best Thing Since Butterscotch

Down to the Coffee Shop

8 Second Cramp

Jon Pardi

Heart Medication

Dirt on My Velcros

Heart Attack on the Dance Floor

Smokin’ a Pall Mall

New Video / Dierks Bentley ft. Billy Strings / "High Note"

The Crud Report: November 2022

The Current Poop of Mainstream Country Radio: April '22

 A poop emoji is negative, a strike thru is positive. Total score below the chart.

The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (-8) overall which is an 8 point drop from January (the previous time we did this chart). The best song is Carly Pearce/Ashley McBryde’s “Never Wanted to Be That Girl.” The worst is Walker Hayes’ “AA” (big surprise, huh?). The songs are getting dumber as summer nears, like they usually do.

Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.

Cledus T. Judd Retires, Unable to Parody Modern Country Music

For the second time, country music satirist/parody writer Cledus T. Judd has put his pen and microphone away, announcing his immediate retirement from the music business. The writer/performer of such classics as “My Cellmate Thinks I’m Sexy” and “Living Single in a Doublewide” says he will now focus on family and his home restoration business. 

Judd already retired once, in 2015, after deciding to spend more time with his family. That retirement ended in 2018 when Ray Stevens begged him back onto the stage.

“I almost got cancelled that time around when I put out that Morgan Wallen parody “(Weight’s Goin’) Up Down, Up Down,” laughed Judd. “Weight Watchers and Gary Levox were pissed!” He went on to say that today’s social sensitivities aren’t conducive to his brand of humor. Still, he considers that a distant second to the true reason he’s calling it quits for good. 

“It’s already a parody of itself! There’s nothing for me to do,” said Judd, real name Barry Poole, of modern country music. “I guess I could just sing the existing songs in a funnier voice to let the listener know how ridiculous lyrics like “ayyy my girl is bangin’” and “we turning up, got double cups” already are.” Poole said he longed for the days of the nineties and early two-thousands when mainstream country subject matter was varied and the writing was full of imagery.

“I looked at the chart yesterday and half the songs were thirty-something dudes singing songs about twenty-something dudes picking up girls at a bar and hitting the backroads. That’s like if all my songs were about bodily functions… oh wait.” he winked. “Anyway, with ‘truck’ in every song… the only funny words that rhyme are ‘suck’ and the f-word, neither of which are in my ‘PG but still somehow offensive’ wheelhouse.”

As we closed out the interview, Judd went off on a short tangent attempting to come up with parody titles of current songs on the spot as if reconsidering his decision. “Fanning my poots” …no, “blowing you”… hell no, “best thing since fat girls” …screw it. I’m done.”

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(Niko Moon)