Now get ready for...
Dec 9, 2020
Jun 12, 2020
Reports from NewsPunisher.org indicate that the loosely organized progressive activist group Antifa is bored with ‘destroying American cities’ and is determined to spread their message to “racist suburban country fans.”
According to News Punisher, Antifa President Don T. Exiss stated: “We at Antifa hate the comfort and antipathy of suburban America, so we’re coming for you! Tonight we say “f*** the city” and we move to the residential areas… the white hoods (and I mean that as in all white people who live in the suburbs and enjoy country music are Klan members, periodt)… and we take what’s ours!”
Source Karen Sellers of Bethesda, Maryland, says a busload of Antifa members checked into hotels in the area two days ago and have devious plans in mind. “I heard from a friend of mine that Antifa is coming to each of our houses personally to force us to listen to (country star) Kane Brown, and if we don’t become fans, they’ll burn our homes down! I’m locked and loaded, so I ain’t worried. I just love my Hank Jr. and Charlie Daniels and that’s it! MAGA!” said Sellers.
When asked why they plan to inflict Kane Brown in particular upon the comfy conservatives, Exiss told us: “We could play Darius Rucker or Charley Pride, but even racists enjoy them, so we’ll be accomplishing the two-pronged goal of promoting a country artist who is a person of color, and also making the Repubs uncomfortable, because frankly, even we don’t like Kane’s music.”
Lee “SDE” Fockerson of Benton, AR was huddled in his foyer cradling a shoulder fired rocket launcher at press time.
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And if you wanna talk pop artists doing crossover country songs,
we'll need another meme about 10 times bigger than this one.
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Already on top of the world with their huge summer tour announcement and their smash hit "God, Your Mama, and Me" with the Backstreet Boys riding high on the charts, Florida-Georgia Line Friday announced the "FGLuxe Edition" of their album Dig Your Roots. The expanded album, due in early June, will include a live cut of "Cruise" featuring Nelly, 2 new songs, and most notably, a reworked version of the modern country standard "Wagon Wheel."
The song, written by Bob Dylan and Ketch Secor of Old Crow Medicine Show, and popularized on country radio by Darius Rucker, will get a bit of an update this time around.
"We love that song!" said Brian Kelley, "We've always wanted to do a version of it that expressed who we are though." "So we just did it!" laughed partner Tyler Hubbard.
The "rebooted" "Wagon Wheel" will incorporate Florida-Georgia Line's signature amped up country sound with the song's original format and melody. And… probably quite controversially, it will feature all new lyrics, more suited for the younger, more party-minded fans of the duo.
"We rewrote it entirely," said Hubbard. "I mean it's still the same song, but it's different!" "Bro, we don't relate to hitchhiking and playing banjos… but we do relate to having a good time!" explained Kelley.
Much to the chagrin of country purists, the new version will include references to pickup trucks, hot girls, and cold beer, the traditional touchstones of the supposed "bro country" genre. FGL says they know it will ruffle some feathers, but that if you don't have "haters," you're doing something wrong.
When asked what Dylan thought of the new version, Hubbard told us "He just won the Nobel Peace Prize, you know he's cool with it!"
A sampling of the new lyrics follows:
The dirty south, yeah that's where to find
Me chillin' on the Florida-Georgia Line
Down a gravel road in a circle of KC lights
The party don't stop till the morning hours
Baby got a booty and a crown of flowers
And I'm hopin' I get lucky, with my country girl tonight
Rock me baby like a wagon wheel
Drop it down low if that's what you feel
Hey baby rock me
Rock me baby like some single grain
Got me drunk on how you move that thang
Hey baby rock me
Dig Your Roots: FGLuxe Edition will be released June 9th.