Honest Radio Promo Ad: Jake Owen "I Was Jack (You Were Dianne)"

The Current Poop of Mainstream Country: August '17

A poop emoji equals a negative rating. A strike-thru poop emoji is a positive rating.

The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (-23) overall which is 6 point improvement from June (the last time we did this chart). The best song is again Midland's "Drinkin' Problem." The worst is a tie: Cole Swindell's putrid "Flatliner" and Chris Lane's terrible "For Her" There are 2 solo females in the top 20, and neither is Kelsea Ballerini, so there's that as a marginal positive.

Things are still bad.


Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.

Senseless Censorship: We Haven't Done This in a While Edition

Billy Currington Wants You To Be Happy

5 New Parody Album Covers: Currington, Isbell, Ballerini, etc.

Tim McGraw: A Supbar Political Cartoon

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/style-blog/wp/2015/04/16/tim-mcgraw-gets-backlash-from-gun-rights-advocates-for-headlining-sandy-hook-promise-concert/

I'm Sorry, This Exists: September '14

 

 Jason Aldean Thingie...
Grounds for divorce?

 

 Kenny Rogers Zen Painting Print
(No…. actually, that's awesome)

Luke Bryan Portrait

 

Blake Shelton Light Switch Cover

I think a "dimmer" would be more appropriate.

Colt Ford Dip Can Cover
Wow. I don't even know what to say about this.

Brantley Gilbert Bottoms Up Panties

Pickin' on Nickelback Album

Because what bluegrass fan isn't secretly a fan?


In 1984, Vince Neil was charged with vehicular manslaughter while drunk.
This is among his several labels of liquors and wines:
http://www.tatuado-vodka.com/

Hunter Hayes/Carrie Underwood Flip Book


 

Autographed Luke Bryan Drawing

Kid Rock Redneck Paradise Flip Flops

 Billy Currington "Let Me Down Easy" Panties
Classy!

Fantasy Football Teams of the Country Stars IV

Fantasy football is in full swing, entering week 8 of the proceedings. How's your team doing? I won't discuss mine because who cares, right? Anyway, as we've done in the past, FTM has found the team names of several big country stars. Match the logos with the names below! Or don't!

Billy Currington - Hey Girl: Parody Lyric

If Billy does time for his crime....

Hey Boy

(Parody of Billy Currington's "Hey Girl")

Hey boy, what's your name boy

I've been starin' at you

And every con here's doin' the same boy

It'd be a shame boy

If I didn't make you my beyotch

'Cause I'm all caught up in your brown curls

A boy like you's the closest thing to a girl

Clean skin, gotta make you my friend

Gonna make you my favorite trick on the cell block

I know we ain't met yet but I'll give you protection

Knowin' you wouldn't even last through the night and

You might think I'm ugly

But what rhymes with "hug me"?

You're lookin' so clean, you'll be my prom queen

I'll make it quick, we don't even have to kiss

Yo boy, whatcha know boy

I could use a cigarette, wontcha go get me something to smoke boy

Before you go boy

Remember I've got your back

And if you want we can go slow

So take your time and get to know

This prison bar I've got for you

I can see the worry in those pretty eyes of blue

I know we ain't met yet but I'll give you protection

Knowin' you wouldn't even last through the night and

You might think I'm ugly

But what rhymes with "hug me"?

You're lookin' so clean, you'll be my prom queen

I'll make it quick, we don't even have to kiss

Hey boy

Ooh, baby welcome to block C

Jumpsuit lookin' sexy to me

Hey boy, whatcha say boy

About you and me goin' all the way boy

I know we ain't met yet but I'll give you protection

Knowin' you wouldn't even last through the night and

Yeah, I'm big and ugly

But what rhymes with "hug me"?

You're lookin' so fresh, got moisturized flesh

I'll make it quick, we don't even have to kiss

Hey boy, oh yeah

Oh, hey boy

You're lookin' so clean, you'll be my prom queen

I'll make it quick, we don't even have to kiss

Hey boy

Oh yeah

Songs Illustrated #69

The Billboard Chart According to FTM

New Billy Currington Album Cover Revealed

Little Known Facts: June '13

While Darius Rucker did not write "Wagon Wheel," he did help produce "Chinese Democracy" for Guns N' Roses.

Joe Diffie and Ronnie Dunn are recruiting a third member to join their new hick-hop outfit, Middle Aged and Cray Cray.

Make sure you check inside your Pepsi cans this summer. One lucky person will open a can with a life size Justin Moore cutout placed inside.

Colt Ford has never eaten the bones at Kentucky Fried Chicken but has swallowed an entire bucket of chicken twice.

If Blake Shelton's voice had the same inflection as his brain, he'd sing like Ben Stein.

Both members of Florida-Georgia Line thought Nelly was the chick from Little House on the Prairie before their "Cruise" remix, and they were still okay with it.

16-year-old girls love Jason Aldean and Jason Aldean loves (The remainder of this Little Known Fact has been deleted based on advice obtained from Trailer's lawyer)

Gary Levox puts his pants on one leg at a time just like the rest of us. He requires a hydraulic hoist but still does one leg at a time.

Pistol Annies' rumored break-up is being blamed on Ashley and Angeleena coming to the realization that Miranda actually talked them into singing backup on "Boys Round Here."

Billy Currington doesn't know the meaning of moderation. Seriously, he doesn't know the meaning of the word.

------------------------------
Thanks to (?) Jeremy Harris for most of these.

Country Day April '13: Parody Album Covers Pt. 1 - Billy Currington, etc.

That's Odd

Really, Billy?

http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2013/04/25/billy-currington-charged-with-threatening-to-harm-70-year-old-man/

Sounds About Right

Honest Radio Promo Ad: Jana Kramer

Country Stars with F'ed Up Teeth III

Snap Judgements - Promo Only Country Radio January '12

Trace Adkins - Million Dollar View

Like I've said before, Trace's songs are usually gold nuggets or turds. This one actually falls somewhere in the middle, for the first time in a while. The lyric resembles something I'd have written back in my aspiring lyricist days. Which is to say, a decent idea with a few good lines thrown in, but doesn't have much new to say. The tune is kinda unmemorable.. okay, very. Trace's general charm will probably lift this into the top 20, but it doesn't sound like a smash.

C+

Keith Urban - You Gonna Fly

Why he (actually, our old friends the LoCash Cowboys wrote it) chose to give it a grammatically incorrect title is beyond me. That's the only thing really different about this song from his last 20 singles. You not gonna be surprised by the formula: anthemic guitars, plucking banjo, uplifting lyrics, female friendly subject matter, foot-tapping beat, solid guitar solo. That's Keith's career in a nutshell. Nothing offensive here - completely catchy and totally interchangeable with most of his other songs.

C+

David Bradley - If You Can't Make Money

"If you can't make money/make out with somebody/if you can't make money/make love"… that's the gist and it goes no deeper. Nice sentiment, but I'd like to see it developed a little further. It's a tolerable song, but David's vocals aren't particularly distinctive. The cheesy crowd cheering at the end knocks this down half a grade.

C

Lauren Alaina - Georgia Peaches

Wow, she doesn't sound like Carrie Underwood for a change. And the instruments are all country.. the instrumentation, however is rocked up. Oh no, the chorus is half "oh -whoa-ohs." Not cool with me, almost ever. "We got homegrown in our genes" opens itself up for way too many jokes. Okay song, but the chorus destroys it for me. Oh yeah, and she name drops Jason freakin' Aldean. WTF?

C-

Uncle Kracker - My Hometown

Is this a Montgomery Gentry cover? Nope. Kracker's saying "America's my hometown" here, pandering to everybody, not just small town lovers. Tuscaloosa, New York, San Diego, everybody gets mentioned so hopefully every radio station will play it. This sounds like something of a hit, but it's pretty dull - one chord and the truth. On a positive note, Kracker's vocals are getting better. Nothing to see here.

C

Love and Theft - Angel Eyes

Is this a Jeff Healey Band cover? Nope. There's only two guys in the group now - so which one's love and which one's theft? Eh, really dull song. A Jeff Healey cover would have been better. "There's a little bit of devil in her angel eyes" ….who cares? Female friendly, for females who don't really care what they're listening to, anyway. Yawnz.

D+

Rodney Atkins - He's Mine

Rock! Oh wait, country. But it's got a rocking swamp groove. Is this a declaration that he wants custody in the divorce? This is a tried-and-true Rodney Atkins formula tune… several story snippets framed by an interlocking chorus that fits each scenario. Not as godawful as some of his recent singles, but meh.

C

George Strait - Love's Gonna Make it Alright

This was my least favorite song on George's new album at first, but it's grown on me. You would think George + repetitive chorus would = boring, but it doesn't here. It's kinda cheesy, but he can do whatever he wants at this point and it'll sound just fine. 

B

Gloriana - (Kissed You) Goodnight

This started with some promise with a little well-defined regret in the lyric, but it's all downhill from there. Crap. This is ready-made for a Glee episode. Schmaltzy show-choir girly junk. I was embarrassed someone might hear me listening to this. They make Lady Antebellum sound like Megadeth.

F

Billy Currington - Like My Dog

I kinda liked this the first time I heard it, but it never struck me as single-material. Still doesn't, but my opinion of it has dropped. The edits drive a nail into this song. What? You can't say "hell" on the radio now? If this promo only collection is any sign, 2012 will be the most neutered (see what I did there?) year ever in country music. Also, the dogs barking as censorship of the word "bitch" sounds like it was edited in on an old Emerson cassette tape recorder. Awful.

D

Craig Campbell - When I Get It

Another edit-out of "hell." Really people? Hell hell hell hell hell hell hell. Get over it. This song is a deep consideration of the times we're living in. Not really, but it does hit on the economic problems we're living through, with a bit of humor. It's okay, that's about all I can say about it.

C

Andy Gibson - Wanna Make You Love Me

This guy's voice has about as much grit as greased plastic. Sissy crap. I guess Andy noticed that Chuck Wicks wasn't on the scene and decided to jump into his namby-pamby slot. Wait, that sounded homo-erotic. Sorry, this utterly sucks. Jimmy Wayne could pound this guy into submission.

F

Levi Hart - We All Make Mistakes

Sound like an Uncle Kracker song at the start. More middle-of-the-road radio ready country. I've heard this guy is good, but this song wouldn't bear that out. The chorus is very nearly catchy, but not quite. The guitar work sounds canned. Boring. 

D

Sugarland with Matt Nathanson - Run

Do I have to? I like some of Matt's music. Not this. Can't Sugarland write an actual chorus anymore? If it wasn't for all the caffeine I'd consumed today, I'd be gone by now. If Zzzz was a grade, I'd give it to this song. 

D+

Mark Cooke - Any Way the Wind Blows

This song isn't anything special, but at this point, anything with an actual melody sounds like a masterpiece. This one has one. The lyrics are unspectacular but the tune makes this listenable. Coulda been a hit in the late 90's. Not sure about now.

C+

Toby Keith - Red Solo Cup (Album Version)

This is the one with the naughty bits. Testicles and whatnot. I guess I have to actually nail down my feelings about this song now… I've been beating around the bush because I don't know. I like a lot of the stupid lyrics. The chorus irks me because it's decidedly ramshackle and tossed-off, but an earworm none-the-less. Uh, well… 

C-

Toby Keith - Red Solo Cup (Vegetables - Explicit)

This is the one where "testicles" is replaced with "vegetables." That's dumb. In a song this flimsy, it's enough to knock off a grade.

D-

Toby Keith - Red Solo Cup (Bleeped - Explicit)

This is the one where "testicles" is replaced with "whoop!" Even dumber. 

F