People Who Show You New Music

The Current Poop of Mainstream Country Radio: May '23

A poop emoji is negative, a strike thru is positive, an asterisk

denotes a song where the good attributes and the bad are dead even.

The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (-6) overall which is a 9 point drop from March (the previous time we did this chart). The best song is Cody Johnson's "Human." The worst is Parmalee's "Girl in Mine" which is somehow worse than Dan + Shay and Tyler Hubbard's current offerings. It's pretty precipitous drop in quality from last time, but we're heading into summer so that's to be expected. It's nice to see Joe Nichols back in the top 20!

Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.

Really Dumb Country Reviews: May '23

(Real Apple Music Reviews)

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Warren Zeiders - 717 Tapes

Tyler Hubbard - s/t

Diplo - Thomas Wesley Chapter 2

*Diplo is an alleged abuser and r*pist

Luke Combs - Gettin' Old

HARDY - The Mockingbird & The Crow

*Wrong, country and metal have been fused many times before*

Morgan Wallen - One Thing at a Time

*This one's so dumb I've used it twice

8 Parody Album Covers: Bailey Zimmerman, Kip Moore, Logan Halstead, etc.

The Current Poop of Mainstream Country Radio: March 2023

 A poop emoji is negative, a strike thru is positive, an asterisk is mediocre (or the negatives outweigh the positives). I needed a new grading option - there’s more meh these days than flat-out bad. Total score below the chart.

The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (+3) overall which is a 19 point improvement (!!) from November (the previous time we did this chart). The best song is Carly Pearce’s “What He Didn’t Do.” The worst is Tyler Hubbard’s “Dancin’ in the Country,” which is only a hair’s width worse that Dan + Shay’s drivel. Anyway, nice upgrade, country radio! The credibility scare is back in progress. 

Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.

3 Up, 3 Down

3 Up

Zach Bryan - Something in the Orange

I don’t have much to say about this one honestly. It’s a really good song, and it’s awesome to see this actually getting mainstream airplay. It doesn’t fit, and feels like it could be the beginning of a change… or at least the continuation of the “mildly improving country radio” trend. 

A-

Bailey Zimmerman - Rock and a Hard Place

I don’t have much to say about this one either. It’s pretty good. I just think people would be surprised I like it, so I put it here. 

B-

Carley Pearce - What He Didn’t Do

Carly continues her winning streak with this (rightly) vindictive lament of a broken relationship. It’s a country song for adults and old souls, with real emotion, well-crafted lines, an exceptional delivery, and freakin’ dobro and resonator. Damn, that’s nice. I’m a big fan. 

A

3 Down

Tyler Hubbard - Dancin’ in the Country

Insipid, for one word. Bro lite, for two. This f***ing sucks, for three. Basically, take a Florida-Georgia Line party in a pasture song, add an atmosphere of romance, and dial back the guitars and you have “Dancin’ In the Country.” You already know the storyline from 10000 songs before this, but guy and girl start out in club, guy and girl drive to the country and do cliches. There are Silverado and Luccese name drops, there’s watermelon as an adjective, there’s red dirt. And he even has the temerity to mention Alabama and Alan Jackson. Please stop, I’m tired.

D-

Parmalee - Girl in Mine

One second in and I’m sighing and mad. Straight garbage. These dudes are like if Dan + Shay were on their first cycle of testosterone therapy. Just wimpy ass pop rock not even bothering with any ties to any particular era of actual country music. Recycled melodies, listless vocals, pointless vibe; this song has it all! If you don’t know what people mean when they say “boyfriend country,” this is what they mean. Soft, inoffensive, unmemorable, non-threatening (not that a country song should necessarily threaten you unless Chris Knight is singing it). The lyrics take this one over the top to being possibly the sappiest shit you’ve ever heard. This is the peak (or nadir) of boyfriend country, I hope. 

F

Kane & Katelyn Brown - Thank God

Look, this ain’t a bad song. It’s a perfectly serviceable pop love song. I have the radio on the pop station when I take my daughter to school in the mornings, and if this came on there, I wouldn’t change the station. Nothing groundbreaking or memorable exactly, but this is a decent tune. Here comes the ‘but’ and if you’ve been around here for a while, I bet you know what it is. (In an extremely cringe boomer voice) “It ain’t country.” We can argue the parameters of that genre forever and nobody would change their mind, so I’m just gonna state my facts. There is no story. There is no country drawl. There is no fiddle. There is no steel guitar. I still think you can have a “country song” without those 4 things, but you also have to pass the sniff test. “Thank God” does not. There is not the tiniest thread in this song tying it to any definition or intuitive knowledge of COUNTRY MUSIC. Is it closer than some mainstream 'country' songs? Sure, it’s mostly acoustic. That’s about it. Ed Sheehan is mostly acoustic and he’s not “up next on MISS 103 where we play only the greatest country.” 

C+ for song     F for genre placement

Wrasslin' Country Reaction Gifs #63

You wanna listen to Tyler Hubbard, Cole Swindell, and Russell Dickerson?

When you let your friend see your Spotify and he finds the "Rascal Flatts songs that aren't half bad" playlist

When you're looking forward to some cocaine country dancing before the night is over

Chris Knight when someone slights him in any way

When you use a Wheeler Walker Jr. song title in an argument with your wife

Me trying to keep a tough, unexpressive exterior when somebody plays "The Mississippi Squirrel Revival"

When you spot and observe some country ladies with a fresh case of beer and a grill

When your little brother hears "Cotton Eyed Joe" for the first time

Even the most reserved man at the bar when a Conway Twitty song comes on the jukebox

I don't know... make your own caption for this one

FGL House Now a Spirit Halloween

Nashville residents may recognize a familiar face in an unfamiliar place this week. Spirit Halloween, the spooky holiday’s most famous franchise, opens up shop in the former FGL House Friday, though some of the accoutrements of the former bro-country bar still remain. 

“We didn’t have to do a lot, the place is already pretty terrifying,” laughed franchise owner Sparky Suggs. “The moose head, the antique light fixtures, the haunting scent of Axe, the ghosts of hookups past… all we had to do was add the Halloween products.”

The 4-story brick building in Sobro has been the home of boozy duo Florida-Georgia Line’s branded bar and grill for the past several years, but no more. The duo recently began what they’re calling a hiatus, but which everyone else sees as the end of the formerly popular “butt rock of country” act. The immediate closure and sale of the building seems to lend credence to this opinion. 

“We come up from Cumming just to go to the FGL House and bout sh** ourselves. It’s a damn Halloween store now?” complained tourist Kelly Patridge. “We got one of them in the old co-op, I coulda stayed my ass home.”

Suggs certainly understands the concerns over the sudden shift, but he hopes many of the mullet-headed or tube-top-wearing FGL fans who show up will stick around and grab an LED dancing zombie or a sexy Fireball bottle costume. “You’re already here, so you might as well pick up some crap you needed for Halloween anyway,” laughed Suggs. 

One drunken customer didn’t seem to notice the change and was seated at one of the bars (now a booth for custom airbrushed trick or treat bags) trying to order a Jagerbomb from the confused artist. “He’ll figure it out eventually,” said Suggs, shaking his head.

At press time, Brian Kelley was sneaking in to retrieve his Kid Rock autographed beer bong he left in a storage closet.

Don't Drop the Soap

6 New Parody Album Covers ft. Tyler Childers, Corb Lund, Zeiders, etc.

And of course...

Take Your Pick

This Guy Honors Florida-Georgia Line’s Legacy

Well, I can’t belief it but it has finally come. The day what I never imagined… Florida-Georgia Line’s last concert has happened. They have said their just taking a break but that’s what my ex-wife said too and that bitch is living in Gwata malla or something.

Any way, we’re hear to honor the glorious career of Florida-Georgia Line, the greatest country band in history! They paved the way for country music to not be lame and sad like it used to be and opened doors for awesome singers like Walker Hayes, Mitchell Ten Penny, and Morgan Walling. I can’t thank them enough for making country music great again.

Man, all the times I macked on honeys at a bar while “Cruise” was playing. They new I was a man of distinct coolness when I new every word! I’d take em back on a back road in my lifted Raptor and give em the disappointment of their lifes, but hell their’s more fish in the sea.

Me and my boys did many a keg stand listening to “This is How We Roll” and then we went out for a drive and listened too it some more and threw stuff at signs. Those were the days!

Now, FGL has a lot of critics, so let’s be honest. Were they the best singers? Probably just top 5 all time in that cat a gory. Were they the best lyric writers? Hell yes. Did there songs kick the most ass? You are motherf***ing right! So suck it critics. This band changed the face of are favorite music for the better so go listen to you’re sad boy American Airconditioner or Taylor Simpson or what ever and let me enjoy my good time classic country from Brian and Tyler!

I’m sad too see them go, but I will always cherish the mammaries. Don’t cry because its over, smile be cause of the good times what was. I wish I had been they're for there last show, but I was their in spirit! I hope the crowd pumped those fists, sang those songs, drank those beers, staired at them girls in cut off shorts. Dam that sounds like heaven. Anyway, thank you FGL for the grate music guys!

Pour out a Fireball for da boyz!

More Monday Memes: Tyler Childers, Dustin Lynch, Charley Crockett, Joe Diffie

 

Hooray, Morgan Wallen is Back (3 Memes)