Sep 8, 2021
Jul 24, 2020
Portland’s Portobello Records near Laurelhurst Park was ransacked and looted on Thursday night during the ongoing protests and unrest occurring in the city. The store was reported to be nearly a total loss.
Owner Jason Anderson reported damages in upwards of $67,000. Shelves were overturned, walls were vandalized, records were stolen, Five Finger Death Punch t-shirts were burned, and the cash register was emptied of its entire $1.45.
“They left every single CD and vinyl record of Luke Bryan untouched though,” laughed Anderson. “Usually we just sell those to tourists anyway, but he’s not thaaat bad, right?” He told us there was even a polite letter scrawled in blood on the Bryan records that said simply “No thanks.”
Besides the country hunk’s records, every other CD, cassette tape, vinyl, and even a few 8-tracks were stolen from Portobello. That includes Creed, Nickelback, Soulja Boy, Hoobastank, Lil Xan, LMFAO, 6ix9ine, Puddle of Mudd, and even Coldplay. “I could have resold a lot of leftovers on eBay or some other secondary market, but I mean, if they wouldn’t even steal Luke Bryan albums, I guess they’re worthless,” said Anderson, rummaging through the debris.
“Oh, actually here are a few other records they didn’t take,” said Anderson, finding a full crate under some rubble. “Florida-Georgia Line, Dustin Lynch, Thomas Rhett… weird.”
The looters, believed to be one group pretending to be Antifa and another group pretending to be right wingers, both intending to frame the other, were not identifiable in store security footage. If you have information that could lead to an arrest in the case, contact Portland Crimestoppers.
Dec 11, 2019
Zac Brown Band - The Owl
You tell everybody you like everything Zac Brown puts out no matter how he experiments, but in secret, you think this sucks.
Beyonce - Homecoming: The Live Album
You will taunt, threaten, curse, dox, and possibly inflict bodily harm upon anyone who says anything negative about this album, but otherwise you’re pretty nice.
Highwomen - s/t
You’re a strong, beautiful, independent woman and so is your significant other.
FGL - Can’t Say I Ain’t Country
You have a jacked up truck with exhaust stacks, fight with your girlfriend in public, and are drunk right now. Dad says your seventh year of community college is your last, graduation or not.
Maren Morris - Girl
You can’t get into the Highwomen album because it’s too country. You use way too many hashtags on Instagram.
Tyler Childers - Country Squire
You have a homemade bootleg live version of the album that’s “way better.” You sold a car out of your front yard for parts to get tickets to Sturgill and Tyler next year.
Puddle of Mudd - Welcome to Galvania
Wait, Puddle of Mudd still exists? You are a member of some guy in the band’s family.
Luke Combs - What You See is What You Get
Just gonna go out on a limb with this one and guess that you enjoy beer.
Vandoliers - Forever
You skate, fish, have purple hair, and are polite to your mama.
Zac Brown - The Controversy
You usually tell everybody you like everything Zac Brown puts out no matter how he experiments, but you gave up your fan club membership and started an anti-Zac Brown Facebook page after hearing this shit.
Post Malone - Hollywood’s Bleeding
You toss around words like ‘molly’ and ‘yeet’ but your 6th grade teacher doesn’t like you to say them in class.
This is satire. Don't take it seriously.
Idea stolen from Medium.