Showing posts with label Bon Jovi. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bon Jovi. Show all posts

Apr 17, 2024

Top 10 Biggest Jerks in Heartland Rock

We uncovered some surprising secrets about some of the biggest heartland rockers. You may have assumed these were generally upstanding folks, but think again. Here’s our ranking of the worst!


10. John Cafferty

Named his band The Beaver Brown Band. Tricked millions of 1980s casual radio listeners into thinking he was Bruce Springsteen. 

9. Melissa Etheridge
Tricked millions of 1990s bro-dudes into singing along with lesbian love songs. For several tours, would only play a reggae reimagining of “Come to My Window.” 

8. Bob Seger
Says Kid Rock is his greatest musical progeny. Despite being very popular in the South, betrayed them by being a political centrist. Has promised to only allow samples of his songs to be used by mumble rappers. 

7. Brian Fallon
Says the name of his band The Gaslight Anthem is about farts, not about manipulating someone into doubting their own thoughts. Says it’s always been that way and you know this. 

6. John Fogerty
In an interview once said Florida-Georgia Line was the closest thing he’d ever heard to the spirit of Creedence. Always arguing with the Kroger checkout person over expired coupons. Initiates conversations with strangers at the urinal. 

5. Brandon Flowers
Sends takedown notices if a YouTube music reviewer gives a Killers album less than 5 stars. Only promotes his solo albums on social media. Once called his fans “pour over coffee drinking white suburban unmarried cat-parents” which is true but was very controversial at the time. 

4. Ryan Culwell

Backstage rider far more extravagant and demanding than everyone on this list, despite him being the least well known. Pretends to be Americana when it suits him. Likes to watch those zip popping videos at full volume in the doctor’s office waiting room. 

3. Jon Bon Jovi
Still touring despite his voice retiring in 2003.  At concerts, only performs a medley of the greatest hits to close the show after an hour and half of current songs nobody knows. Cites John Cafferty as his main musical influence. Insisted he be placed on this list rather than the hair metal edition. 

2. Bruce Springsteen
Has just been pretending to be liberal for decades but secretly funds several New Jersey far right militias. Takes credit for Courtney Cox’s entire career. Only speaks to his bandmates in quotes from Parks & Rec. Made Jake Clemons play an entire tour with tiny truck nutz hanging from his saxophone. 

1. John Mellencamp
Whoops, sorry for including an actual jerk.* This list is supposed to be satirical.


*His inclusion isn't due to that viral video yesterday which was used for nefarious political purposes. He was in the right in that instance.

Aug 14, 2018

The Secret to Rockers Going Country

These pop and rock artists could have had more success 
in the country world with these subtle lyrical changes.

Oct 8, 2014

Top 10 Ways Nashville Songwriters are Changing Their Approach in 2014

On 2014's mainstream country radio, we've seen a slight maturing of the content and a subtle movement away from so much "bro." There have also been other shifts, such as nekkid-ness and even more drinking than anyone thought possible. Here are some of the methods Music Row's finest are using to adapt with the times.

Top 10 Ways Nashville Songwriters are Changing
Their Approach in 2014

10. Learning the names of a larger variety of alcoholic beverages
for their songs' characters to drink while driving

09. Requesting that singers pronounce "truck" with a bit of ironic displeasure

08. Extending group of 'outsiders' who should be pummeled by
country boys to include people who live in the suburbs, the educated, and bloggers

07. Evolving their sonic palette from 'peak hair metal' (Poison, Bon Jovi)
to 'waning days of hair metal' (Trixter, Danger Danger)

06. Bringing back the working man trope (as long as he don't work in no damn city)

05. Tamping down on the misogyny a bit by giving female characters a larger role, such as 
lighting the bonfire, letting down the tailgate, or initiating the unprotected sex

04. Limiting grammatical errors to 2 per song

03. Slyly inserting marijuana references into every song,
including quasi-religious songs and anti-immigration anthems

02. Cutting back on incidents of racist, homophobic rants and drunken brawls

01. Full frontal nudity

Jan 28, 2013

Same Ol' Song

I wrote this lyric before the days of Farce the Music (or Photocrap, for that matter) and unfortunately it rings truer than ever now. And yes, I name dropped... but it fit the theme - I wasn't doing it for fake country cred.

No Country on the Radio

I was in the mood for a drinkin' song
Some guy cryin' over love that's gone
So I flipped through a dozen stations
I shook my head I couldn't find a thing
No sad fiddles, no whiskey, no twang
And came to the sad realization

There ain't no country on the radio
No steel guitars, nothing sad and slow
It's happy slappy joy joy
From little girls and pretty boys
Singin' pop songs in a row
But there ain't no country on the radio

I caught the tail end of Shania Twain
DJ said that's the classic of the day
I almost drove off the shoulder
The next song sounded like a Hallmark Card
Some whiner rhyming "heart" with "apart"
I know Waylon just rolled over

('Cause) There ain't no country on the radio
No steel guitars, nothing sad and slow
It's happy slappy joy joy
From little girls and pretty boys
Singin' pop songs in a row
But there ain't no country on the radio

I found an old truckstop with a $5 rack
Bought some Yoakam, Paycheck and Hag
The channel may be clear but I ain't comin' back

(Alt Bridge)
Hootie, The Eagles, Bon Jovi, oh my
I know where old rockers go to die

('Cause) There ain't no country on the radio
No steel guitars, nothing sad and slow
It's drum loops and big guitars
Makes me wanna crash my car
God I miss George Jones
There ain't no country on the radio

©2007 Corey Parkman

Sep 20, 2012

iHeartRadio Music Festival Parody Album Covers

As some of you may know, I won a trip to Vegas for the iHeartRadio Music Festival this weekend. If it weren't for the fact that it's a FREE TRIP TO VEGAS, I wouldn't be going - the lineup isn't exciting enough to spend a boatload of cash on. On the bill are Jason Aldean, Taylor Swift, Pink, Aerosmith, Green Day, Lil Wayne and others. I'm pretty excited to see Miranda Lambert - I hear the Pistol Annies may be there for a few songs. Anyway, here are a few parody album covers from some of the acts that will appear. There may be a report on the shows next week.


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