Showing posts with label Colt Ford. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Colt Ford. Show all posts

Jul 17, 2020

Georgia Touts “Better” Red Dirt Scene

The Georgia Department of Economic Development’s Tourism division is launching a new promotion to bring attention to the state’s country music scene, but they may be stepping on some toes. “Our dirt is redder,” laughed department chair Henry Dix. “And better.”

That’s even the tagline for the advertising campaign, which will appear in major print publications and a nationwide television advertisement. The marketing format seems to claim that Georgia’s “red dirt” music scene is greater than that of the beloved (and much longer lived as an actual scene) Oklahoma network of songwriters and musicians. 

Hank Dix, Tourism Director
Farce the Music spoke with Dix about the Georgia Red Dirt promotion.
---
FTM: You’re aware that Oklahoma has had a Red Dirt scene for decades, and that Georgia has never had a music scene by that name?

Dix: Indeed! Otherwise, our motto wouldn’t make sense. Better than what?? Better than Oklahoma, that’s what! And we do really have red dirt.

FTM: Great. So, you’ve either just copied the nomenclature from an existing format of music, or pulled it out of your a** and expect it to take? You can’t give yourself a nickname.

Dix: Think of it as “giving that name a better home.” Good artists copy, great artists steal… as they say. If you look at it by pure sales, our scene dwarfs theirs in every category. Thus, we plan to trademark the term, and possibly allow them to continue its use in lower case. 

FTM: That’s some shady dealing there, but all’s fair in business it seems. You say your artists sell better. Who, exactly, are you considering to be “Red Dirt” in the Georgia music scene?

Dix: Have you ever heard of Luke Bryan? I thought so. That man alone has sold more albums and concert tickets than nearly every ragweed from Oklahoma combined. Oh, and we claim half of Florida-Georgia Line too. Just half their sales puts us over the entirety of their artists when added to Bryan’s sales. Then there’s Brantley Gilbert, a more humble and soulful songwriter than ever existed in Still Waters. 
FTM: It’s “Stillwater.” And hold up. You’re claiming national artists who have already made it in the mainstream as “Red Dirt” artists? 

Dix: And why not? They’re from here, many still live here, and they play here once or twice a year on tour. They bring more to our economy than Stoney LaDue ever brought to that dust bowl.

FTM: Gross. And it’s “LaRue.” You don’t even know what a music scene is, do you? 

Dix: Music evolves, terminology evolves. They’re just jealous. Justin Boland couldn’t shine Colt Ford’s boots. 

FTM: It’s “Jason” Boland. And their scene isn’t about platinum sales and laser shows and dancing at concerts. It’s about integrity and the love of music. You’re making a mockery of the name Red Dirt.

Dix: I’ll tell you about mockery. Nobody ever heard of 90% of their so-called artists. If music isn’t popular, it isn’t good. It’s about the bottom line, not well-written lines. Who the hell are the Red Dirt Rangers, LMAO (he said this aloud)? Are they some redneck Power Rangers? And the Turnrow Troubadours? LOL (again, said out loud), they got Yoko’d before they could even sell out Bridgestone. 

FTM: That’s offensive, and I’ve heard enough, and it’s “Turnpike.” You are an idiot.

Dix: And a good day to you too, sir! Before I go, everybody make sure to check out our up and coming Red Dirt® artists Sam Hunt, Jason Aldean, and Thomas Rhett!!

FTM: F**k off.
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At press time, Oklahoma’s Red Dirt scene had just claimed Garth Brooks, and taken the lead in the sales category.


Apr 3, 2020

Police Using Hick-Hop Songs to Disperse Crowds During Pandemic

Police departments nationally reported on Friday that they were using unusual methods to enforce lockdowns and “safer at home” measures during the Coronavirus pandemic. An attempt to avoid harsher crowd control options has led many forces to use speaker trucks to blast music that most people find repugnant - in this case, hick-hop, or country rap, seems to be having the best results.

In Ft. Worth, TX Wednesday, local authorities were alerted to a small block party in a suburban neighborhood. Rather than issue citations or fines, they simply rolled a police van into the vicinity blasting “Outback (Extended Remix)” by the hick-hop group Redneck Souljers. “They lit out of there like their butts were on fire” laughed Deputy Lewis Marks. “I don’t blame them - I felt physically ill listening to it myself.”

A birthday party in Van Nuys, CA fell victim to Colt Ford’s “No Trash in My Trailer.” Carl Jenkins, who had attended the party, told us by Skype that he was injured during the melĂ©e as the party broke up. “I may sue their asses - I didn’t trip or fall or anything, but I was mentally injured by that music; I’ve got pain and suffering and PTSD now. I might rather have the Rona.” he grimaced.

An outdoor bat mitzvah in Salem, OR ended in similar fashion. “I hate to do it, but this is for safety and health of the public at large” said officer Lindsay Scanlan, turning on Upchurch’s “My Neck of the Woods” at ear-shattering volume. Audible screams and weeping were heard as the 24 people at the mitzvah scattered like ants. 

Similar stories have come in from across the country, but at press time, law enforcement agencies in the Carolinas reported that hick-hop was ineffective in clearing large gatherings and were exploring using flash bombs, rubber bullets, and tear gas.

Jan 15, 2020

Top 10 Potential Names for New Hick-Hop Acts




10. Plenty of Felonz

9. Porter Swaggoner

8. Dem Konfedurissy Boyz

7. Travis Trill

6. Stormfront Husslaz

5. Incel Muddaz

4. Girth Brukz

3. The David Duke Boyz

2. Johnny Trash and the Men in White

1. Some Guys Who Got Fired from Kwik Lube for Selling Pills

Oct 15, 2019

Top 10 Things Overheard at Luke Bryan’s Farm Tour 2019



10. This cow shit better come off! I paid 400 dollars for these cowboy boots.

9. Kaiyleighe, ever since he quit wearing skinny jeans, 
his music is a little worse to me for some reason.

8. I'm only here to see if he falls again again.

7. Even I know this Mitchell Tenpenny dude ain’t country, 
and I’m an absolute dumbass.

6. Is it just me, or has Luke’s pelvic thrust lost a little propulsion?

5. (People taking off their boots to “knock” them together over their heads 
during “Knockin’ Boots” because they have no idea what Luke’s outdated reference means)

4. I’m an Instagram Influencer! Let me pet the sheep or I’ll have this place cancelled!

3. I hope Luke covers some classics from the greats that influenced him 
like Jason Derulo and Colt Ford. 

2. As much as Luke is paying this farmer, 
you’d think he could afford to get a sexier tractor.

1. Are you going to the concession stand? See if there are any older dudes around 
who will buy us some White Claw.


Jun 5, 2019

I'm Sorry... This Exists: June 2019


Weird, bad, or interesting country/music merchandise and other stuff.
These are not Photoshopped.


Colt Ford Onesie

George Jones High Tech Redneck pocket knife

This crazy dude is still at it...

Gross. I'm guessing this isn't approved by the estate.

Kane Brown kids' jersey.

Kane Brown tumbler

We've joked about Kelsea Ballerini being a Barbie doll for so long that we willed it into reality.

Old Dominion fidget spinner


Upchurch tattoo. Stands for Raise Hell Eat Cornbread. Yeehaw.

A metal cover of Luke Bryan’s “Kick the Dust Up”

Now, that's on brand!

Jul 6, 2018

Dogs & Babies: Country Reaction Gifs

When the radio plays Stapleton ...then Sam Hunt

When you took your dog along to the Willie Nelson show

When you've had a rough day dodging paparazzi

When you're walking along minding your own business
and hear FGL playing from a car nearby

Needs no explanation...

When you're excited about the party but they're playing Colt Ford

Listening to new Cody Jinks like...

This YouTube comment will have better grammar and spelling than the average Kane Brown fan's comment




Dec 19, 2017

If _____ Wrote a Christmas Song 2017


If Walker Hayes wrote a Christmas song

Need some joy in your stockin'? Well baby I gotcha
It's lit and it's bae and I ain't throwing shade
I Snapped you a clue, Word, hit me up too
We gone be totes chillin' this Christmas day



If Future wrote a Christmas song

You know it's enchanting baby, let it snow
Let it snow, let it snow
We here just waiting on santa, girl, so let it snow
Let it snow, let it snow



If Loretta Lynn wrote a Christmas song

Santa came home smelling like peppermint perfume
Lately he's been losing weight, doing Crossfit too
Heard he's got himself a little elf skank round the way
Well, Mrs. Santa's bout to bust that hussy in the face



If Mark Kozelek wrote a Christmas song

I watched a film about Venezuelan crop dusters
Under a chartreuse blanket on my veranda
Pondering what Belinda said last Christmas day



If Colt Ford wrote a Christmas song

Got that icy mud all up on my GMC
Alpines blasting Run DMC
Christmas in Hollis and Christmas in Macon
Woman at the crib got country ham bakin'



If Lemmy wrote a Christmas song

He's got a whip of leather
Skeleton reindeer crew
Snow or sunny weather
He's coming after you

Satan Clause, Satan Clause, 
Watch his black sleigh take flight
Satan Clause, Satan Clause,
Naughty or nice, you'll die tonight


Aug 21, 2017

Top 15 Things Rarer Than a Solar Eclipse in Nashville

 Top 15 Things Rarer Than a Solar Eclipse in Nashville

by Jeremy Harris and Trailer


15. An open mic night without "Wagon Wheel"


14. Shooter Jennings walking down Music Row in shorts

13. A Stanley Cup hockey championship


12. A country exec with any 2 of the following: brains, balls, integrity

11. Thomas Rhett singing in key


10. A Kane Brown fan who won't have retinal damage after today

9. 20 square feet of sidewalk without a douchebag on it


8. A local eating at FGL house


7. Colt Ford and Gary Levox eating salads

6. A sober bridesmaid

5. A songwriting session with less than 5 people in attendance


4. Luke Bryan shopping for relaxed fit jeans


3. An irreplaceable landmark some developer wouldn't happily bulldoze 
to put up another apartment building …or carwash


2. A woman on the country charts who isn't counted against the quota


1. A departed country legend not rolling in his/her grave daily

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