Showing posts with label bro country. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bro country. Show all posts

Sep 16, 2022

California to Ban Country Songs about Gas Powered Trucks by 2024

Governor Gavin Newsom today announced that he will aggressively move the state away from its enjoyment of pop-country songs about gas-fueled pickup trucks. He issued an executive order requiring all new pop-country songs about vehicles, especially trucks, to explicitly mention that they are zero emission after 2024. 

The entertainment industry (including music) is responsible for more than 7% of all of California’s carbon pollution, all while jacked-up, coal rolling, nut-swinging pickup trucks continue to spew toxicity into the atmosphere. 

“We simply can’t have all these catchy, vibe-filled, vaguely country songs glorifying using these beasts for ‘fun’ when they are literally responsible for Donald Trump, I mean, pollution.” said Newsom in a prepared statement for the press. “Therefore, we are directing record labels not to promote songs about feet on a dashboard, or having CIS white sex under the stars in a truck bed, or mudding in a pasture with a beer in the cupholder without letting the listener know that the vehicle is an EV.”

He went on to lament the irresponsibility of Nashville in idolizing such vehicular monstrosities. “I listened to Cali Country Y102 today for an hour, and literally every song had a truck in it,” Newsom continued. “Just think of the good we could do if all 15 of those songs replaced ‘F-150’ or ‘Silverado’ with ‘Lightning’ or ‘Endurance;’ every mullet-headed white boy in community college would suddenly think it was cool that Morgan Wallen got busy in a Rivian, or whatever.”

Free speech advocates have threatened legal action following the executive order. “While we also cringe at songs with dudes talk-singing in a southern accent about cruising for women in their squatted 70,000 dollar pickup trucks their dad bought them, this is certainly unconstitutional grounds the governor is walking on,” said Jenni Perkins, a spokesperson for the ACLU. “We will be strange bedfellows with the republican bros for once, it appears. Yee Yee!, or whatever they say.” 

California will be leading the nation in this effort, in hopes of removing garbage from both the environment and the airwaves. 

At press time, many conservative California country fans agreed with the order, but they’d be damned before they ever admitted it. 

Jan 21, 2022

When We Were Bros

You may have heard about the When We Were Young festival announcement featuring nostalgic bands for people of a certain age (Millennials). Well, what if there was a bro-country equivalent?

Jan 19, 2021

Party Song About Partying While You're Listening to a Song About Partying

 Seems like half the mainstream country songs are just tunes about partying or driving in a pickup truck while listening to songs about partying or driving in a pickup truck… People who are working out don’t listen to songs about lifting weight. People driving to work don’t listen to songs about commuting. Anyway, here’s my shot at a song made for listening to while you’re doing what the song is about. 

What I’m Doing Now

©2021 FTM Satire Lyrics

I’m driving a pickup truck

My foot is on the gas

I’m listening to music that sucks

Goin’ a little too fast

I’m rolling the window down

To throw out a beer can

Just saw a sheriff turn around

I hope he knows my dad

This song’s about what I’m doing now

I know you don’t like to think

So turn this stupid song up loud

That’s what I’m doing now

That’s what you’re doing now

Got my arm around my girl

Her foot is on the dash

I’m rhyming that first line with ‘world’

Cause that’s how you make the cash

We’re headed out to a bonfire

Why don’t you do the same?

My truck has Mickey Thompson tires

Don’t you forget that name

This song’s about what I’m doing now

I know you don’t like to think

So turn this boring song up loud

That’s what I’m doing now

That’s what you’re doing now


I’m not writing no poetry

You don’t wanna get too deep

It’s party music while you’re partying

Now here’s a few snap beats

This song’s about what you’re doing now

So let’s hold up our drinks

And turn this mid-tempo song up loud

That’s what I’m doing now

That’s what you’re doing now

Sep 15, 2020

Mainstream Country Singer Name Generator

Are you an aspiring country artist with your eyes on mainstream Nashville success? Are you a label who needs to give a more trendy moniker to your tall, handsome, white, male pop country warbler? Do you just want to click the button and see stereotypical bro names that might give you a grin? Whichever reason brings you here, here you go! (Click the link, this stupid generator site still won’t embed)

Mar 20, 2020

“Country” Singer Not Adjusting Well to Social Distancing in the Country

As nearly all performers are during the coronavirus outbreak, a popular country singer is spending time away from the adoring crowds. Currently holed up at his rural estate which he normally only visits on rare tour breaks, he’s having a difficult time adjusting to the rigors of country living, despite singing about them in most of his songs. We’ll call the singer Chad Bryant for anonymity’s sake.

“It’s great that I finally get to hang out with my wife for more than a day - she seems really nice.” said Bryant, “But everything on the property is torn up, running out, or squeaking, and my staff is self-isolating at their homes, and I don't even know how to use a pork wrench. [sic]” 

Bryant was unable to repair the fence that encloses his three horses, despite singing of fixing fences in two of his hit songs. “I just stacked up a pile of firewood beside where those slats are broken, so Pennywhistle, Drake, and Rainbow Dash can’t get out.” he explained. 

“And the garden looks like crap, but I’m trying,” said Bryant, standing over a dusty mess of vines and swirling flies holding a handful of Miracle Gro spikes. Despite once singing “if the world falls down, I’ve got this patch of ground, with a garden and deer in the fields,” Chad isn’t even sure which growing thingies are weeds and which are green beans. And while it’s not deer season, Bryant said he’ll have a hell of a time without his usual hunting guide and penned up whitetails if this thing lasts very long. 

“At least I’ve got a home gym to keep these abs ripped and this butt tight,” smiled Bryant. “I’m gonna look good for the whole lock-down.” Bryant has no hit songs about doing hack squats.

At press time, Bryant said he was eating a Quest bar and watching a YouTube video trying to figure out how to start his mower, but that “the internet service is spotty out here in the boonies.”

Dec 4, 2019

Bro-Country Lyrics or Sex Talk?

Top 10 “Bro-Country Lyrics or Sex Talk?”

10. You make me want to roll my windows down

9. A little fruity but she asked if I liked it

7. Sounds like it sucks

5. I can smooth it out, I can slick it up

3. Yeah boy, I’m about to show me a city slicker

2. I kick it with a mule

1. Shimmy up inside


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