Showing posts with label Fast Ryde. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fast Ryde. Show all posts

May 9, 2011

Top 10 The 9513 Memories

Last week, the mighty 9513 announced that it was shuttering its virtual doors - to much sadness and trepidation - due to time constraints. In honor of the best country music blog that ever was, FTM looks back on its favorite moments and comments from the 5-year history of the revered site.




Top 10 The 9513 Memories (that may or may not have been made up):

10. That news roundup in late May of 2010 dedicated only to LoCash Cowboys, SheDaisy and Fast Ryde tidbits.

09. The first link to a Rita Balloux article informing us what a merkin bump-it was. Yuck!

08. The day Jonathan presented an open-minded, well-balanced, thought-out retort to a review he disagreed with.

07. Juli Thanki's interview with Rosanne Cash in which she led with the question "Now, who are you again?"

06. C.M. Wilcox's 5-star review of "Brown Chicken Brown Cow"

05. The time Rick blamed the emergence of hick-hop on George W. Bush.

04. That time Carrie and Taylor fans harmoniously united in a comment thread over their shared hatred of twang, authenticity and artistic merit.

03. Jim Malec's politically unbiased review of that one patriotic war song by that guy in the hat (or was it the tall guy with the big muscles?).

02. The CMA's live blog where Karlie Justus challenged Miranda Lambert to a jello wrestling match.

01. The retraction of the negative review of Faith Hill's "Red Umbrella" based on threats of bodily harm to the Vercher twins by a couple of the songwriters.

Dec 22, 2010

10 Worst Country Singles of 2010

My first entry in this year's "best of" series is actually a "worst of." Here are what were, in my estimation, the most terrible country songs released as singles this year. They're in no particular order as I could not discern one piece of crap's artistic worth from another. Click the song titles to listen, if you dare.

George Strait - The Breath You Take
The King finally showed a crack in the armor. This terrible ballad with a downright "bad" melody featured Hallmark card lyrics and awful dirge-like verses.

Jason Aldean - Crazy Town
A throwaway album cut that somehow made it to the airwaves and even more astoundingly, made it to #3 #2 on the charts. Just goes to show that country radio listeners can't get enough of crap. It's not all the radio programmers' faults.

The Band Perry - Hip to My Heart
As far from country as one could hear on country radio this year, this bouncy, aggravating tune was a poor introduction to a band whose folksy "If I Die Young" nearly made up for the crappiness of this song. Sample lyrics: "I like your lips like I like my Coca-Cola / oh how it pops and fizzes"...really?

Rodney Atkins - Farmer's Daughter
Just as ham-fisted and unimaginative as nearly every Atkins single that came before and to top it off, this was a Hail Mary tag-on to an underperforming album to help it sell a few more copies. Weak.

I hate "Fancy" …despise it. That said, I can respect the art of it. This, likely Reba's worst single to date, not so much. Reba drops knowledge about texting, Tweeting, Facebooking and sounds absurd doing it. It's not that she has to "act her age," she just needs to not be so obvious about trying to stay current, in sound and lyrical content. It just doesn't work for her.

I really don't get the appeal of this song. It's not country, it's not that catchy, the chorus is just a bunch of stupid "ohh ohhh's" and my nine-year-old could write more engaging lyrics. Still, people continue to defend this song against the evils of someone who'd dare review it. Sure, opinions are like a-holes, but people THIS IS NOT A GOOD SONG - I bet Tim even hates it.

Aaron Lewis - Country Boy
Read here. Still haven't changed my mind.

LoCash Cowboys - Here Comes Summer
Sorry guys. FTM blog readers and winners/losers of 2009 Farcie Award for worst new group released this track to cash in on the coming of the warmer months to no avail. Putting "hotter" where there should have been a rhyme for "summer" was a major problem. The rest of the song not being any good was another.

Fast Ryde - Top Down
LoCash's main competition in the up-and-coming hip-hop-loving country group category, Fast Ryde upped the ante with autotuner for this listless summer anthem that nobody sang along to. At least LoCash's song tried a little.

The King of Douchebags continued his run of terrible sans-Big Kenny song releases with this stupid "look how country I am" tune. Tip to Rich: Call Big. Write songs. Release trashy guilty pleasure album. Alone, you're just guilty (of putting out terrible music).

Dishonorable Mention:
Lady Antebellum - Our Kind of Love
It isn't that this song is all that terrible, just boring. It's pretty much a microcosm of what's wrong with country radio. Uninspired, middle-of-the-road, entirely inoffensive…. entirely pointless radio friendly song.

Jul 25, 2010

Review Fails

I like to review songs and album as much as the next blogger, but sometimes it's just more fun to sit back and let the (ir)regular music fans do it... (these are actual unedited listener reviews culled from iTunes)


Dumbest and talentless song ever!!!!
(1 Star)
by MCspears
The stupidest song I have ever heard! Retarded! 5 year olds can write this song!!! No talent!



haters-_-
(5 Stars)
by SODMG, Inc.
all you haters should be ashamed of yourself. If you don't like it go listen to something else you racist no lifes!!! Go put in a gay rock album or something. leave soulja boy alone u make me sick.
PRETTY BOY SWAG is a good song if you don't like it don't click on it and waste valuable time trying to generate negative energy. no life racist.




(album review referring to the hit song "Use Somebody")
COPIERSSSSSS
(1 Star)
by Jddfdf
THey copied brooke white she came out with an album 1 month before they did and had the same song.




(album review referring to her cover of "Use Somebody")
why?
(1 Star)
by jaimiexcore
why would anyone ruin "use somebody" by kings of leon? ugh. ;/




The next Garth
(5 Stars)
by Voller82
It's cute and catchy and reminds me of the kind of music Garth Brooks did. I think Mr. Sarver has great potential to surpas Garth and this song is exactly why I think it. His vocals couldn't be purer. His soul shines right through the song and accentuates the words with meaning and a power that makes you grin from ear to ear.




How can u not lik it
(5 Stars)
by Luv4Allison
this is an abselutly aaamazing song im in shock that people dont lik it and danny didnt hav an any where near horrible apperance on ai what r u peeps talkin about u guys r CRAZY
GO GOKEY




Wow His Back Thank God
(5 Stars)
by J. Howell
This song rocks, i mean i loved his first album an can't wait to get his new one hopefully it comes out soon CAN'T WAIT, ALSO EVERYONE LISTEN TO LONESTAR'S NEW ALBUM IT ALSO ROCKS




Blahhh
(1 Star)
by manda:
White girls shouldn't sing all her songs sound the dam same with that annoying voice of hers.




Amazingly Awesome!
(5 Stars)
by GrimmjowCreedDiskence
Montgomery Gentry never seize to Amaze me! I listen to rock music mostly but Montgomery Gentry is one of the only country groups I will listen to. This is the reason why!




wow
(1 Star)
by drycounty12
i cant believe this is what counrty has come to...t-pian can do it but not these guys

Love it
(5 Stars)
by Honda_Dirt_Biker_1023
Some people are accusing them of not being true to country music, but they never sent that message. You cant help but laugh at the names of the songs, the idea of using popular terms like "Make it Rain" and "Ridin' Dirty", i think that is hilarious and unique to these guys. They are not for the people who love traditional, Garth Brooks or even Tim McGraw like country. But if you are willing to take a risk, and give them a try, i know you will not be dissapointed. Its got a good beat, good lyrics, and good sound in general. I love the autotune too lol, that is just great! It's what caught my attention on the radio the first time i heard it.




Weezy ain't on his level
(5 Stars)
by ATX Soldier
Alright first of all he didn't get his name from candy his name us Marshal Mathers second he kills the track the chorus is a little on edge but it's good eminem I rebuiling his empire on top or the rap game

Wanabe
(1 Star)
by P0wn4g3x
...Just a white boy trying to act black

NNNOOO!!!
(1 Star)
by ??
complet trash, how did this get number one, there r just way to may cuse words

Dec 28, 2009

Top 10 Rejected Alternate Names for Fast Ryde


09. Biggr n' Richr

08. The Borchetta Boyz

07. NWA (nobz with attitude)

06. F-One Fiddy

05. Gritzncollardz

04. RydenDurdy

03. Whyte-Tang Clan

02. Ryde-a-Cowboyz

01. Pro-Toolz

Dec 20, 2009

10 Worst Country Singles of 2009

2009 was a banner year for crap in the world of country music. There's no way I could summarize the sad state of the genre with only ten bad tunes, but allow me to try. Here are the worst country singles of 2009, in no particular order.

Tyler Dean - Taylor Swift
Ample cause for a restraining order if ever there was one. Can't hide the proof. It's right there on iTunes with a 2 star rating. And furthermore, they rereleased it on iTunes after Taylor's late year awards. We hated it the first time, dude.

Jimmy Wayne - Sara Smile
I actually have no problem with a country singer covering Hall & Oates, but for the sake of my sanity and human decency, at least pick a good H&O song, and at least attempt to make it sound country.

Phil Vassar - Bobbi with an "I"
A song about a good ol' boy who likes to cross dress? Did Phil's record company somehow get their demographics and marketing studies mixed up with Lady Gaga's? I'm not shocked by its content, just that it was actually released to country radio.

Bucky Covington - Gotta Be Somebody
More processed than cheese spread, but not nearly as tasty. They could have had one of those NOAA weather radio voices sing this song and I might not know the difference. And holy mother of drive by truckers, it's a Nickelback cover. Why? Just why?

Billy Currington - That's How Country Boys Roll
This is how a country boy turns the station.

Jessie James - My Cowboy
The only thing country about this song is the title. Does that necessarily make it one of the worst country singles of the year? Well, yes... but on artistic merit alone, it's still not good.

Fast Ryde - That Thang
"That Thang" is inexplicably better than their second single, "Make it Rain" (a "farming is hard" anthem so shallow it makes Jason Aldean sound like Levon Helm), but since this ode to country girl bootay is higher profile, it gets the slot. One of the most annoying choruses ever sung. Dang me.

Krista Marie - Jeep Jeep
This one got deservedly ripped to shreds in my .99 review. Krista's decent voice aside, this song is a second-rate product that should never have been released. More like a Yugo than a Jeep.

Jake Owen - Eight Second Ride
That this is supposed to be a sexy song but it has that "spit cup" line in it automatically adds the song to this list by default.

George Strait - River of Love
We hope for more from the King than this warmed-over seventies pop-country, but since he made it up to us with the stellar "Twang" album, this song's inclusion here is just a minor speed bump. In the grand scheme of things, it's better than the other songs on this list and the dishonorable mentions, but as they say, "to whom much is given much is expected."

Dishonorable Mentions: Rodney Atkins "Chasin' Girls" - Toby Keith "God Love Her" - Jason Aldean "She's Country"

Dec 13, 2009

Farcie Awards: Worst Song

FTM's penultimate award, Worst Song, goes to Worst New Artist nominee Fast Ryde, for their truly atrocious ode to rear ends, "That Thang." Nice going, you two! Tyler Dean came in second with his stalker anthem, "Taylor Swift." The voting breakdown can be seen by clicking the chart below.

Nov 8, 2009

Snap Judgments: Promo Only Country Radio Dec. 09

I have a friend who worked at a country radio station in the 90's and he used to let me have these Promo Only Country Radio comp's pretty regularly but I haven't listened to one since the (non-legal) Napster days. An anonymous source sent this newest edition to me to review... can't imagine why - except that it's got 5 of my favorite targets (Toby Keith, Justin Moore, Jimmy Wayne, Rascal Flatts, Fast Ryde) on one album! Fish in a barrel and me with this shotgun! I doubt this will become a regular series, since I don't have access to these compilations (but hey, anonymous or somebody else, keep 'em coming if possible!).

Anyway, here are my snap judgments of the songs your local station will be overplaying in December if not sooner. (to be honest, I've heard a few of them before, but anyway...)

1. Chasin' Girls (Album Version) - Rodney Atkins
My IQ dropped 15 points in the 3:30 span of this song. It's not looking good for me still knowing how to spell by the end of this post. This is the dumbist song Rodney's put out yet, and that's saying sumtheeng. D-

2. Cryin' for Me (Wayman's Song) - Toby Keith
Personal, moving and maybe a little surprising, given who it's from. It's a very good song, but possibly a little too narrow in focus to go any higher than top 10 for Toby. Country radio's got no soul. B+

3. Seeing Stars - Jack Ingram with Patty Griffin
Jack tries to maintain his last shred of Americana cred with this thoughtful song featuring singer/songwriter Patty Griffin. Successful? A little, but it strives to be much deeper than it really is. Still, it did help restore my IQ a bit after Rodney's track. B-

4. Hell on the Heart - Eric Church
Not the next single I'd have chosen from Eric's fine Carolina album, but a lesser Church single is miles better than, say, Chuck Wicks' best. B-

5. Angels Like Her - Trent Tomlinson
Hmmm, I get the feeling I've heard this before. Oh yeah, I have... and I still don't like it that much. The imagery in the opening lines is great though. C

6. Backwoods - Justin Moore
Opens with a greasy southern guitar lick... that's nice. Then comes the listing of all things southern... Hmmm, I get the feeling I've heard this before. Oh yeah, I have.... in 1246 previous country pride songs... and I still don't like it that much. It is catchy though. C-

7. Make it Rain - Fast Ryde
This "difficulty of farming lament" runs about as deep as the dry creek running by their dusty farm. IQ nosediving again. Worse than "That Thang." (!!) F

8. Gimmie That Girl - Joe Nichols
Fun, catchy and warm. Solid single from one of the best voices in the genre. B+

9. Why - Rascal Flatts
I'm glad that they're touching on this serious subject that affects way too many people. That aside, this doesn't work for me, but it will be their umpteenth #1 hit. C

10. Stay - Telluride
A dull track from a band that sounds like Jake Owen lite (and Jake Owen heavy ain't much to write home about). D

11. Gotta Be Somebody - Bucky Covington (full .99 Review coming soon)
I'm not prone to cliché or violence, but this makes me want to punch kittens. F-

12. Long After I'm Gone - Big Kenny
He means well, and this is a pleasant enough song, but it's probably not going to be a hit due to his less than Clearchannel-friendly voice. C

13. Sara Smile - Jimmy Wayne Ft. Daryl Hall & John Oates
I'm starting to think this anonymous source was trying to ruin my day. This is the least country song ever released as a country song, period. If not for him being a real decent guy, I might hate Jimmy, but this is just music not life. At music, he FAILS. F

14. One More Drinkin' Song - Jerrod Niemann
This is a middle of the road drinkin' song that is unlikely to get much airplay outside the barrooms that inspired it. C-

15. Julianna - Emma Jacob
Good message, good delivery, decent song overall. If sung by Sugarland, a top 5 hit. Unfortunately, contemporary radio's about as welcoming to up-and-coming females as Adam Lambert is. B

16. The Road - Aaron Watson
Once upon a time in the 90's when country radio still had a soft spot for salt-of-the-earth country songs, this could have been a one-off hit. Now, not so much. A-

17. Hard Rain - Gwen Sebastian
Not sure what I think about this one. It's okay. I like her voice and the imagery of the chorus, but overall, the song is somehow lacking. C

18. Johnny Be Good - Doug Adkins
Suffice it to say, you won't ever hear this on the radio. Interesting to see that the Promo Only comps still include these local oddities. I like that it has some rockabilly flourish, but this is an overly awkward and very lily-white rendition of Chuck Berry's classic. Cranking up some Bo Diddley now. D-

Jul 30, 2009

.99 Review - Fast Ryde

.99 Review - Fast Ryde "That Thang"

The People's Take

first review (5 Stars) – this is pretty sick!
-JJARED

Not too shabby (3 Stars) – did sound like big & rich. But loving the picture on their cover!
-Novagirl82

I'll Take "Annoying" For $500, Please... (1 Star) – Are you serious? This is just awful. I should have given my money to charity...
-Tastes Great


My Take

I've heard this described as a party song or a novelty song, but that must be some sort of sick joke. The lyrics read more like a tragedy to me. This lady has some real difficulties in her life, yet this new band chooses to ridicule and exploit her issues.

She got that thang in her back? She really should see a doctor. It could be a bulging disc or a tumor.

It makes people say "Hey, look at that"?? These are some very inconsiderate people pointing out her hump (not her lovely lady lumps).

It might set something on fire? What's going on back there that could do that?!? Apparently, that thang in her back is so large, it's causing some really dangerous friction against her clothing.

This is serious stuff! These tools shouldn't write and perform a song about this poor lady's condition or deformation, they should write and perform an actual country song to make money to help out with her medical bills. She can't fit in her shorts, people!

She's got junk like a trailer yard? So, she's got a car up on blocks, a rusted out hibachi, some beer cans and a broken plastic flamingo? Somebody get Extreme Home Makeover on the line! Someone with such a hard life shouldn't have to worry about her property decor and landscaping.

It's plumb disgraceful how these guys point out this woman's flaws but offer up nothing to remedy her sad situation. Aside from the godawful sound of the music, the ill-fitting hip-hop affectations and the annoying repetition of "dang" and "doing" (which rhymes with boing, not booing - which I'm doing), this is the most depressing and pointless song currently on country radio. I hope that radio programmers and country fans alike will dismiss its insensitive and abusive message. Good day.

Total value: .09/.99

The Checklist

Church/God
Mama
Boots
Check mark symbolName Dropping
Dying Person
County Fair
Lost Love
Check mark symbolLove(??)
Hometown Pride
Kindly Advice
Truck
Whiskey
Beer
Check mark symbolLife Affirmation(??)
USA
Soldiers
Pop Sheen
Star Power




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