Still Defending Bro-Country

LOCASH Returns to FTM

Easy Money in Nashville

RIP James Best

The Return of One of FTM's Earliest Targets

Mud Digger 4 is Out Today!

But if you're a regular reader of FTM, you'd probably enjoy Chris Stapleton's new single, "What Are You Listening To," a lot more.

Country Day June '13: DAC, Hunter Hayes, Chris Young, etc.

Another shortened edition of Country Day this month. Everything slows down in the summer (even FTM, as I've reduced the amount of posts for a time), including the album release schedule (thus, less covers to farce), so this will likely be the norm through fall.

LoCash Cowboys "Chase a Little Love" Parody Ad

Honest LoCash Cowboys Radio Promo Ad

Country Day Sept. '12: Parody Album Covers Part 4

Lyrics Illustrated: Truck Yeah!

Mud Digger Volume 3 Has a Warning Label

Mud Digger: Volume 3

Country Day April '12: Parody Album Covers

Snap Judgments: Promo Only Country Radio July '11

The summer doldrums don't get any help from this heap of mediocrity. It's probably the most lifeless collection I've heard yet, though there is a gem in the slop.

Click titles to listen.

Scooter Lee - Boogie Woogie Rhythm

I'm guessing this isn't the actual first song on the promo disc. Mine's just out of order. This is one of those D-list rockabilly-roots things they throw in every now and then... It's kinda catchy, but D-list doesn't just grade the starpower of the artist. You won't hear this on the radio. It's a dance club track.

D+

LoCash Cowboys - You Got Me

Hey guys. How's it going? Haven't heard from you in a bit, but you're back... yay(?) Their vocals are a lot smoother than you might expect from looking at their photos. For a band still seeking a break-through single, I'd think something a little harder hitting might be in order. This is okay, but it's just not weighty enough, even for a light-hearted pop-country tune, to grab any significant airplay. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.

C-

Darius Rucker - I Got Nothin'

I love hearing Darius get into a meaty "she done left me" song. Unfortunately, this isn't very meaty. It's not bad but the chorus just doesn't have enough heft to stick with me for long. Songs like this just make me wonder why he couldn't have brought the Blowfish along for the ride. They sound as country as most of what's on the radio now anyway, and they would lend some gravity to the heartbreak of this song. Anyway, this isn't bad, but (insert stock comment here:) a vocalist of Darius' caliber deserves better songs.

B-

Ash Bowers - I Still Believe in That

That name makes me think of the Evil Dead movies. Sorry. The song... ahhh shit. Eric Church lite. This is one more laundry list of things the singer believes in. Absolutely nothing new here. I got nothin'. Bible, belt, yes sir, yes ma'am, hand shakes, Jesus, soldiers, moms, dads.... you know the routine. I still believe in all that stuff too, but I also believe that this song is unquestionably bad. Almost bad enough to turn me into a liberal just for spite.

F

Hunter Hayes - Storm Warning

Young Hunter apparently looks to Gary "The Voice" Levox as a role model and vocal idol. He sounds just like a younger version of the girthy balladeer. The song also wouldn't sound out of place on a Rascal Flatts album. Not terrible, nowhere near good. Please tell me the next generation of "country" singers won't count Rascal Flatts as an influence. Please tell me that. Please.

D+

Brad Paisley ft. Alabama - Old Alabama

Not sure why this song is on the collection as it has already had its run up the charts and subsequent decline in lieu of the new Carrie duet. Anyway, I like this song better than I should. It's very catchy and more clever than most have given it credit for.

B

Josh Kelley - Gone Like That

This is the best single Josh has released to country radio to date. That's not saying a lot really. The verses are pretty dull, but the chorus is damn good. Nothing groundbreaking, but I can see myself getting this stuck in my head.

B

Burns & Poe - Second Chance

How symbolic. This duo is also on their second chance... album-wise. This is probably their 400th single in the last 2 years though. I'm shocked they're still around. Burns sounds like a poor man's Don Henley on this track, but Poe sounds pretty solid. It's an understated song with some nice harmonies. It sounds different than most of what's on the radio, and in a lot of ways that's a good thing.

C+

Kenny Chesney with Grace Potter - You and Tequila

Kenny Chesney's best single in years. It might even be good enough to find its way onto the playlists of country radio-weary music snobs... uh, like myself. Simple and beautiful. Keep doing this, Kenny. It works.

A

Thompson Square - I Got You

Just like their previous hit "Are You Gonna Kiss Me or Not?," "I Got You" is a sugary confection of a pop-rock-country song with elementary lyrics. I'm not against simplistic lyrics as long as they aren't a stumbling-block to my enjoyment of the song. Unfortunately, they are this time... again.

C-

Kacey Jones - Donald Trump's Hair

Hmm. A bizarre, jazzy novelty ode to the titular hair-don't. I just really don't even know what to say about it, honestly. Interesting and odd. Not radio bound.

C

Sugarland - Tonight

At least the record company knows how to cherry-pick the best singles off the dreadful Machine album. This is a pop song. A pop anthem even. This wouldn't have sounded out of place on the Celine Dion and Sting populated airwaves of 90's adult-contemporary. Can't say I care much for the song, or Jennifer Nettles' odd vocal affectionations on the song, but it sounds like a hit.

D+

Joe Nichols - Take It Off

I'm hoping this isn't another "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off." Well, so far it's not.. but obviously some clothes are being shed somewhere in this tune. This is a summer anthem... released a little late in the game. Yep, the clothes came off. Predictable, but decent and Joe's voice doesn't hurt the song, as usual.

C+

Jennette McCurdy - Generation Love

Another single from the iCarly sidekick. Another Carrie Underwood-lite tune. It's weighty subject matter for someone of her age. She handles it pretty well, but the song just has too many lyrical hiccups (plasama screen?) and too much philosophical jackassery for me to enjoy this. Nah.

D+

James Wesley - Didn't I

Is this the sequel to Luke Bryan's "Do I"? It's a typical "women will dig it" vehicle for a male country singer with a strong voice. It's not particularly memorable, but Wesley does have good pipes. Hopefully his future releases will have a little more individuality to them.

C

Zac Brown Band ft. Jimmy Buffett

Another tune I like more than I should. Sure, it's just another summer get-away-from-it-all anthem, but it's catchy as all get out (however catchy that is), and some of the lyrical wordplay is more clever than your typical song of this ilk. I dig it.

B+

Lady Antebellum - Just a Kiss

Another soap opera anthem. They're so good with melodies and harmony that I can't help but like this at least a little. It's epic and arena-ready and nowhere near country... at all: no steel, no fiddle, no twang, but it's still a catchy song. I wish it wasn't on country radio, but Lady A crafts a nice pop tune.

B-

Mark Cooke - I Love It

Banjo. Fiddle. This starts with promise. Then comes the mention of cut off jeans and it all goes to hell. Tattoos... he loves it, a SECOND MENTION of cut off jeans. Kill me, again. The title is unmemorable and the song does nothing to help. I don't want to hear this ever again. I'd throw up in my mouth, but that's too cliche.

D-

The Lunabelles - A Place to Shine

Not bad. It feels like they didn't "bring it" as much as they should have. The song needs a little more contrast and more vigor, especially in the chorus. It's all a little too meh.

C

Top 10 The 9513 Memories

Last week, the mighty 9513 announced that it was shuttering its virtual doors - to much sadness and trepidation - due to time constraints. In honor of the best country music blog that ever was, FTM looks back on its favorite moments and comments from the 5-year history of the revered site.

Top 10 The 9513 Memories (that may or may not have been made up):

10. That news roundup in late May of 2010 dedicated only to LoCash Cowboys, SheDaisy and Fast Ryde tidbits.

09. The first link to a Rita Balloux article informing us what a merkin bump-it was. Yuck!

08. The day Jonathan presented an open-minded, well-balanced, thought-out retort to a review he disagreed with.

07. Juli Thanki's interview with Rosanne Cash in which she led with the question "Now, who are you again?"

06. C.M. Wilcox's 5-star review of "Brown Chicken Brown Cow"

05. The time Rick blamed the emergence of hick-hop on George W. Bush.

04. That time Carrie and Taylor fans harmoniously united in a comment thread over their shared hatred of twang, authenticity and artistic merit.

03. Jim Malec's politically unbiased review of that one patriotic war song by that guy in the hat (or was it the tall guy with the big muscles?).

02. The CMA's live blog where Karlie Justus challenged Miranda Lambert to a jello wrestling match.

01. The retraction of the negative review of Faith Hill's "Red Umbrella" based on threats of bodily harm to the Vercher twins by a couple of the songwriters.

10 Worst Country Singles of 2010

My first entry in this year's "best of" series is actually a "worst of." Here are what were, in my estimation, the most terrible country songs released as singles this year. They're in no particular order as I could not discern one piece of crap's artistic worth from another. Click the song titles to listen, if you dare.

George Strait - The Breath You Take

The King finally showed a crack in the armor. This terrible ballad with a downright "bad" melody featured Hallmark card lyrics and awful dirge-like verses.

Jason Aldean - Crazy Town

A throwaway album cut that somehow made it to the airwaves and even more astoundingly, made it to #3 #2 on the charts. Just goes to show that country radio listeners can't get enough of crap. It's not all the radio programmers' faults.

The Band Perry - Hip to My Heart

As far from country as one could hear on country radio this year, this bouncy, aggravating tune was a poor introduction to a band whose folksy "If I Die Young" nearly made up for the crappiness of this song. Sample lyrics: "I like your lips like I like my Coca-Cola / oh how it pops and fizzes"...really?

Rodney Atkins - Farmer's Daughter

Just as ham-fisted and unimaginative as nearly every Atkins single that came before and to top it off, this was a Hail Mary tag-on to an underperforming album to help it sell a few more copies. Weak.

Reba - Turn on the Radio

I hate "Fancy" …despise it. That said, I can respect the art of it. This, likely Reba's worst single to date, not so much. Reba drops knowledge about texting, Tweeting, Facebooking and sounds absurd doing it. It's not that she has to "act her age," she just needs to not be so obvious about trying to stay current, in sound and lyrical content. It just doesn't work for her.

Tim McGraw - Felt Good on My Lips

I really don't get the appeal of this song. It's not country, it's not that catchy, the chorus is just a bunch of stupid "ohh ohhh's" and my nine-year-old could write more engaging lyrics. Still, people continue to defend this song against the evils of someone who'd dare review it. Sure, opinions are like a-holes, but people THIS IS NOT A GOOD SONG - I bet Tim even hates it.

Aaron Lewis - Country Boy

Read here. Still haven't changed my mind.

LoCash Cowboys - Here Comes Summer

Sorry guys. FTM blog readers and winners/losers of 2009 Farcie Award for worst new group released this track to cash in on the coming of the warmer months to no avail. Putting "hotter" where there should have been a rhyme for "summer" was a major problem. The rest of the song not being any good was another.

Fast Ryde - Top Down

LoCash's main competition in the up-and-coming hip-hop-loving country group category, Fast Ryde upped the ante with autotuner for this listless summer anthem that nobody sang along to. At least LoCash's song tried a little.

John Rich - Country Done Come to Town

The King of Douchebags continued his run of terrible sans-Big Kenny song releases with this stupid "look how country I am" tune. Tip to Rich: Call Big. Write songs. Release trashy guilty pleasure album. Alone, you're just guilty (of putting out terrible music).

Dishonorable Mention:

Lady Antebellum - Our Kind of Love

It isn't that this song is all that terrible, just boring. It's pretty much a microcosm of what's wrong with country radio. Uninspired, middle-of-the-road, entirely inoffensive…. entirely pointless radio friendly song.

Relative Size Chart #21

Click for a closer view.

Snap Judgments: Promo Only Country Radio June

Holy crap. I expect your deep and abiding gratitude for suffering through this edition of future country single releases so you don't have to (unless you bravely follow some of the YouTube links). It's the worst bunch of slop I've had to subject my ears to thus far. I was literally slack-jawed with dismay half way through the set of songs. For example, Chuck Wicks' new song was far from the worst tune on the comp. I'm gonna stay far away from country radio in June and I'd advise you to do the same!

Here's the rundown:

Zona Jones - Prove Me Right
Zona tackles the rare and difficult "listing song" with his treatise about what he believes and how his woman's love is going to show him to be correct. Boring, cliché and boring are the three words I'd use to describe this song. D

Chuck Wicks - Hold That Thought
Chucky's comeback song finds him stepping into the "getting it on" song territory of Josh Turner and Billy Currington with less satisfactory results. While it sounds perfect for a slow white-person dance on a hardwood floor, Chuck's voice doesn't have the come-hither appeal of the aforementioned singers to pull off this bedroom burner effectively. And the line "why don't you lay back and fantasize about me" comes off twice as pervy as any lecherous line Jeff Bates ever sang. C-

Savannah Jack - I Know
Restless Heart redux? This definitely sounds like a throwback to 70's/80's pop country vocal bands and while that's somewhat refreshing amidst all the samey sounding popstuff that is current country, it's not that great of a tune. Nothing new lyrically, but this band may be worth watching down the line. C+

Ryan Bingham - The Weary Kind
Alt-country singer Ryan Bingham's Oscar winning marquis song from the Oscar winning movie Crazy Heart, The Weary Kind is a simple and heartbreaking glance at a broken soul. While I'd love to see this find a home on country radio, I also wish blowing on dandelions could grant your fondest desire. A

Rodney Atkins - Farmer's Daughter
See this review. D

Gwen Sebastian - V.I.P. (Barefoot Girl)
Gwen's "Mississippi Girl" without the specific locale reference. Catchy and pretty fresh sounding, I hope this song gains some, uh, footing. B-

Zac Brown Band - Free
ZBB annoyingly stretches out their smash-hit major label debut for yet another single. That said, it's a great song, perfect for this time of year. The live version (on their live album Pass the Jar and their previous iTunes exclusive) that incorporates Van Morrison's "Into the Mystic" is even better. Now get back in the studio! B+

Jason Mitchell - Slow & Steady
Kill me kill me kill me. Sorry about that. Back to the review. Jason sounds like the best singer from your high school show choir singing a Conway Twitty song at karaoke night. Except, the muzak version of Conway Twitty. D

Locash Cowboys - Here Comes Summer
No. D-

David Bradley - Soak It Up
This is probably what the result would be if Bruce Hornsby was tasked to write a country summer song. This guy makes Chuck Wicks sound gangsta. When did the whole pop invasion of country music become an adult contemporary invasion? F

Easton Corbin - Roll With It
An easy rolling Strait-esque mid-tempo track. Nothing new, but he sounds damn good rehashing previous kick-back classics. B-

Nathan Lee Jackson - Inside
More easy listening. If his voice wasn't different, I'd swear this was cross-country trekker Jimmy Wayne. I wonder if Nathan makes sure his purse and shoes always match. F

Dierks Bentley - Up On The Ridge
See this review. B

Alan Jackson - Hard Hat and a Hammer
Alan's meat and potatoes is the simple man song and here he delivers yet again. AJ's chugging right along doing what he does best and it is what it is. Enough cliches for ya? AJ could sing that line and make it sound AWESOME. B

Fast Ryde - Top Down
It's come to this. Jay Z proclaimed the death of autotune in rap music last year, after so much overuse of the voice altering production software. That didn't stop Fast Ryde from introducing autotune to "country" music. Sure George Strait used a little of it in "Stars on the Water" as a novelty to spice things a little, but here Fast Ryde serves it up as the main dish. Seriously, that's all this song brings to the table. The chorus makes Bucky Covington working a sudoku look smart. People, I'm running out of ways to say stuff sucks. F

Randy Houser - I'm All About It
As shallow as this song is, the more I hear it, the more I like it. Randy is a true talent who self-admittedly has to send cloying stuff like this to radio to get anything played. Given the choice of his crappy song and some of the previous crappy songs on this list, I'm going with Mr. Houser. C+

Josh Turner - All Over Me
Whereas Locash Cowboys and Fast Ryde's songs on this compilation are stupid summer movies made by C-List actors with a low budget, this song is a stupid summer movie starring Will Smith with a hundred-million dollar budget. Make sense? B-

Colt Ford - Chicken & Biscuits
I really don't know what to say at this point besides I really need a drink. This song is more country than half the other songs I've reviewed here, but it's a friggin' rap song. Chicken & Biscuits doesn't qualify as a guilty pleasure... I don't like it. I don't hate it either. I'm just really glad this is all over. Please help me. C-

Farcie Awards: Worst New Artist

While it was a close race with the ever askew Lady Gaga, the Farcie Award for worst new artist goes to Locash Cowboys! Congrats guys! That's a very impressive feat for not even having released your major label debut yet!

Relative Size Chart #17

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Relative Size Chart #16

Thanks to CM at Country California for one of the stats.