Showing posts with label Top Ten Lists. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Top Ten Lists. Show all posts

Nov 19, 2020

Top 10 Things Hick-Hop Fans Are Thankful For in 2020


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10. That selling meth never goes on lockdown or recession

9. As crazy as this year’s been, mom’s okay with you repeating 10th grade again


8. Confederate flag Covid masks


7. That stimulus check bought you a new set of teeth (used)


6. If you never had a job, you can’t lose a job


5. The guy you owed $500 for cock fight gambling debts died of the Rona


4. Lots of time to polish up that mixtape


3.  With online prayer meetings, you can finally smoke crack at church


2. That Upchurch still puts out like 15 albums a year


1. That if you’ve had herpes and ringworm at the same time, Covid ain’t shit


Aug 26, 2020

Top 10 Fashion Tips for Brantley Gilbert Fans

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10. Research the business you’re applying with first, but confederate flag t-shirts are generally frowned upon for job interviews.

9. If you don’t look good in prison orange, you can accessorize with handmade hair necklaces or a sticker from the commissary.

8. Sagging pants aren’t really in fashion right now, but since you don’t care, just make sure you wear full coverage underpants.

7. Duct tape will hold the chain in your back pocket while you save for the wallet.

6. Camouflage is actually fairly fashionable right now, but make sure the camo you wear in public is free of briars and blood from sneaking through the woods to tend your still.

5. Collared shirts are essential work apparel for those of you… well, most of you… with neck tattoos.

4. When purchasing shorty shorts with words across the butt, make sure the wording isn’t something inappropriate that would get you fired from the snow-cone stand.

3. If you don’t have skinny genes, you might wanna skip the skinny jeans.

2. Wife beaters are a shirt style, not a lifestyle.

1. An oversized baseball hat can cover meth scars all the way to the eyebrows and you’ll look super cool.

By Jeremy Harris and Trailer

Jul 15, 2020

Top 10 Reasons Brantley Gilbert Fans Won’t Wear a Mask



10. Hides badass new gold teeth

9. Legally barred from wearing a mask in public as a condition of recent parole

8. FaithFreedomFirepowerNews.org told them masks are the mark of the beast

7. Can’t find a mask with “Sexy White Trash” on it

6. Rubs up against herpes sores

5. Won’t fit over unkempt Grizzly Adams ass beard

4. Only mask they own is Confederate flag, which is currently frowned upon

3. Face tattoo still healing

2. Can’t smoke meth with a mask on

1. Masks aren’t provided in their particular penal institution

Apr 16, 2020

Top 10 Things Hick-Hop Fans Are Doing With Their Stimulus Checks

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10. Bailing out Uncle Buddyroe after he got a in a fight at Walmart over social distancing


9. Digging hole, dropping check in hole, filling hole

8. Framing it because they think that’s a real Donald Trump autograph


7. Financing their friend who just got out of prison for arson’s hick-hop album

6. Paying cousin Ernie to finish the job on Carole Baskin.


5. Laundering it like they heard about - but finding out that the washer takes the ink off the check



3. Down payment on some teeth

2. Donating to Kyle Larson’s Go Fund Me

1. Trying out this new-fangled ‘toilet paper’ everybody is raving about

Jan 15, 2020

Top 10 Potential Names for New Hick-Hop Acts




10. Plenty of Felonz

9. Porter Swaggoner

8. Dem Konfedurissy Boyz

7. Travis Trill

6. Stormfront Husslaz

5. Incel Muddaz

4. Girth Brukz

3. The David Duke Boyz

2. Johnny Trash and the Men in White

1. Some Guys Who Got Fired from Kwik Lube for Selling Pills

Nov 13, 2019

Top 10 Things Brad Paisley Might Be Doing During the CMAs



Brad Paisley won’t be co-hosting the CMA Awards for the first time in a while tonight. While it’s possible he may make an appearance to joke about his own absence or something, here are a few guesses as to what he might be doing otherwise.

10. Plotting another comeback that stalls at 17 on the country chart

9. Playing Guitar Hero and killing White Claws

8. Writing jokes for his next mildly amusing comedy special

7. Eating bon bons and watching Disney+

6. Writing a new comedic song about Tik Tok, or Crocs, or how women are always shopping or some shit

5. Sticking pins in a Carrie Underwood voodoo doll

4. Staring proudly at his NAACP award for ending racism with LL Cool J’s help

3. Tweeting from a burner account about how bad the show is without Brad Paisley co-hosting

2. Wiping his tears with a wad of crisp hundred dollar bills

1. Changing his contact information so Peyton Manning will leave him the f*** alone

Oct 15, 2019

Top 10 Things Overheard at Luke Bryan’s Farm Tour 2019



10. This cow shit better come off! I paid 400 dollars for these cowboy boots.

9. Kaiyleighe, ever since he quit wearing skinny jeans, 
his music is a little worse to me for some reason.

8. I'm only here to see if he falls again again.

7. Even I know this Mitchell Tenpenny dude ain’t country, 
and I’m an absolute dumbass.

6. Is it just me, or has Luke’s pelvic thrust lost a little propulsion?

5. (People taking off their boots to “knock” them together over their heads 
during “Knockin’ Boots” because they have no idea what Luke’s outdated reference means)

4. I’m an Instagram Influencer! Let me pet the sheep or I’ll have this place cancelled!

3. I hope Luke covers some classics from the greats that influenced him 
like Jason Derulo and Colt Ford. 

2. As much as Luke is paying this farmer, 
you’d think he could afford to get a sexier tractor.

1. Are you going to the concession stand? See if there are any older dudes around 
who will buy us some White Claw.


Jun 19, 2018

Top 10 Biggest Jerks in Folk Music


Some would imagine that the quaint, earnest folk music scene would not be as likely to contain divas and d-bags as the more mainstream genres of music. They'd be wrong. Here are some of the genre's most egregious offenders.

10. Joni Mitchell
Has said Counting Crows cover of "Big Yellow Taxi" is far better than her original.
Before retiring from touring, only played Rascal Flatts songs over the monitors before shows.

9. Hozier
Refuses to play "Take Me to Church" in concert.
Blocks anyone who complains about it on social media.

8. Tracy Chapman
Refuses to play "Fast Car" in concert. 
Only plays "Give Me One Reason" 'in the style of Post Malone.'

7. Bon Iver
Won't apologize for being the godfather of modern hipsterism.
Drives a jacked up Hummer with a Salt Life sticker on the back.

6. Wesley Schultz (The Lumineers)
Constantly rails on millennials despite being one.
Uber driver on the side; car smells like sweaty leather.
Makes fake business cards with different names but his phone number to drop in those "win free lunch" fishbowls.

5. Skyler Skjelset (Fleet Foxes)
Writes shitty pop-country under the pen name Chris DeStefano.
Listens to hick-hop albums loudly on the tour bus.
Slaps people with a fencing glove if they misspell his last name.

4. Damien Rice
Speaks in an unintelligibly thick Irish accent at meet and greets so fans will move along quickly.
Next album will be entirely dirge-style Neil Diamond covers.
Tour rider calls for only "mass-produced light American lagers" to piss off his band.

3. Emmylou Harris
Thought Gram Parsons was a "pretentious dickhead hack" but he paid well. 
Litters.
At shows, she has any fans wearing tennis shoes violently removed and humiliated.

2. Scott Avett (The Avett Brothers)
Wears sweat pants to strip clubs.
Drives with his brights on in fog.
Lays five dollars on the table at restaurants and takes one away for every slight error the server makes. 
Leaves his spit cup in the cup-holder at the movie theater. 

1. Father John Misty

Oh wait… this list is supposed to be satirical.





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*this is, of course, fake news*

May 25, 2018

Top 10 Kane Brown Songs That Really Aren't That Bad


Yeah, we've been a little hard on Kane Brown. His first music was amateurish at best, and his new songs are heavy on the pop and light on the country. He also tends to sing as if he's experiencing bowel discomfort. He also seems to have very thin skin toward "haters" and critics. All that said, we can find the good in every artist, right? Even the most disagreeable country acts have some songs that will surprise you. Here are the ten Kane Brown songs we think you should open your mind to and give a chance right now!



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Oct 17, 2017

Top 10 Signs Your Best Friend is Secretly a Brantley Gilbert Fan

10. Every time you mention country music, 
he says "It's country wide!"


9. Has more face tattoos than teeth

8. No visible means of support but his truck tires cost more than your car


7. Every time he comes over to your house, 
something made of copper disappears

6. That time he found out you're the guy who runs Farce the Music, 
you caught him holding up a butterfly knife behind your back


5. He learned most of his vocational skills in prison

4. The night Brantley is in town, he has to "wash his hair" 
instead of come over and watch football

3. Never finished high school, but strangely adept 
at chemistry with household products


2. Covered up his tattoo of his ex's name with brass knuckles


1. Talks like a rapper, but owns at least 5 rebel flag t-shirts

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