Showing posts with label Top Ten Lists. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Top Ten Lists. Show all posts

Jun 19, 2018

Top 10 Biggest Jerks in Folk Music


Some would imagine that the quaint, earnest folk music scene would not be as likely to contain divas and d-bags as the more mainstream genres of music. They'd be wrong. Here are some of the genre's most egregious offenders.

10. Joni Mitchell
Has said Counting Crows cover of "Big Yellow Taxi" is far better than her original.
Before retiring from touring, only played Rascal Flatts songs over the monitors before shows.

9. Hozier
Refuses to play "Take Me to Church" in concert.
Blocks anyone who complains about it on social media.

8. Tracy Chapman
Refuses to play "Fast Car" in concert. 
Only plays "Give Me One Reason" 'in the style of Post Malone.'

7. Bon Iver
Won't apologize for being the godfather of modern hipsterism.
Drives a jacked up Hummer with a Salt Life sticker on the back.

6. Wesley Schultz (The Lumineers)
Constantly rails on millennials despite being one.
Uber driver on the side; car smells like sweaty leather.
Makes fake business cards with different names but his phone number to drop in those "win free lunch" fishbowls.

5. Skyler Skjelset (Fleet Foxes)
Writes shitty pop-country under the pen name Chris DeStefano.
Listens to hick-hop albums loudly on the tour bus.
Slaps people with a fencing glove if they misspell his last name.

4. Damien Rice
Speaks in an unintelligibly thick Irish accent at meet and greets so fans will move along quickly.
Next album will be entirely dirge-style Neil Diamond covers.
Tour rider calls for only "mass-produced light American lagers" to piss off his band.

3. Emmylou Harris
Thought Gram Parsons was a "pretentious dickhead hack" but he paid well. 
Litters.
At shows, she has any fans wearing tennis shoes violently removed and humiliated.

2. Scott Avett (The Avett Brothers)
Wears sweat pants to strip clubs.
Drives with his brights on in fog.
Lays five dollars on the table at restaurants and takes one away for every slight error the server makes. 
Leaves his spit cup in the cup-holder at the movie theater. 

1. Father John Misty

Oh wait… this list is supposed to be satirical.





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*this is, of course, fake news*

May 25, 2018

Top 10 Kane Brown Songs That Really Aren't That Bad


Yeah, we've been a little hard on Kane Brown. His first music was amateurish at best, and his new songs are heavy on the pop and light on the country. He also tends to sing as if he's experiencing bowel discomfort. He also seems to have very thin skin toward "haters" and critics. All that said, we can find the good in every artist, right? Even the most disagreeable country acts have some songs that will surprise you. Here are the ten Kane Brown songs we think you should open your mind to and give a chance right now!



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Oct 17, 2017

Top 10 Signs Your Best Friend is Secretly a Brantley Gilbert Fan

10. Every time you mention country music, 
he says "It's country wide!"


9. Has more face tattoos than teeth

8. No visible means of support but his truck tires cost more than your car


7. Every time he comes over to your house, 
something made of copper disappears

6. That time he found out you're the guy who runs Farce the Music, 
you caught him holding up a butterfly knife behind your back


5. He learned most of his vocational skills in prison

4. The night Brantley is in town, he has to "wash his hair" 
instead of come over and watch football

3. Never finished high school, but strangely adept 
at chemistry with household products


2. Covered up his tattoo of his ex's name with brass knuckles


1. Talks like a rapper, but owns at least 5 rebel flag t-shirts

Jul 19, 2017

Top 10 Sam Hunt Tracks We Were Actually Wrong About


 Okay, we'll admit it. We get it wrong on rare occasion. Sometimes we assume the worst based on bad singles, or become biased because of an outward image or too much hype… and miss out on some truly great songs from the artists we pick on.

Here are the top 10 Sam Hunt songs that we shouldn't have been so quick to judge because they're actually awesome!

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10.



Here's the Spotify playlist!

Jun 6, 2017

Top 10 Things I'd Rather Watch Than the CMT Awards

The 2017 CMT Music Awards airs tomorrow night and features Jason Derulo and Luke Bryan,
Chris Lane, FGL & The Chainsmokers, Thomas Rhett, and lots of other bullshit like that, so...

Top 10 (Awful) Things I'd Rather Watch 
Than the CMT Music Awards

10. An old VCR tape from the late 80s where my little brother taped 
Care Bears over the last half of Headbangers' Ball

9. Chris Stapleton literally singing the entire Jackson, TN phone book

8. 3 hours of C-Span's online video archive without the aid of caffeine and if I doze off, it starts over

7. This over and over (warning: it's gross)

6. The English Patient

5. Col. Casper's entire video library
(He's a a loon who claimed Elizabeth Cook is into the occult and Tim McGraw is a member of the Illuminati, among other craziness)


4. Manimal

3. My own minor surgical procedure, while awake

2. Donald Trump and Charles Barkley having a debate about the best condiment

1. A Caillou marathon at full volume

Apr 5, 2017

10 Biggest Jerks in Bluegrass

Some would imagine that the earthy, humble bluegrass music scene would not be as likely to contain divas and d-bags as the more mainstream genres of music. However, thanks to critic and hipster love for country music's less commercial cousin, things have changed of late. This niche but culturally significant groundswell has slowly created a context wherein all manner of unlikely aspirants were more apt to let their jerk flag fly. Here are some of the genre's most egregious offenders.


10 Biggest Jerks in Bluegrass

 
10. Dale Ann Bradley
Posts only fake news on her Facebook page.
Leaves car running with rap metal playing loudly when she runs in the convenience store.


9. Chris Thile
Thinks Spiderman 3 is the best superhero movie ever made.
Anonymously defends Sam Hunt on YouTube.


8. Trampled by Turtles
Run an underground fight club for children.
Walk slowly side-by-side on sidewalks.


7. Kristin Scott Benson (The Grascals)
Still has an un-rewound VCR tape of Lawnmower Man 2 from Blockbuster.
Talks loudly on her phone in the Kroger check out line.
Signs autographs with wrong name.


6. Doyle Lawson
Reheats leftover fish in the bus microwave.
Pushed an established mandolin player down the stairs; took over his spot.
Actually not that big a fan of Bill Monroe.


5. Andy Hall (Infamous Stringdusters)
Farts in church.
Once found a $10 on the ground by the Salvation Army Christmas kettle and bought beer with it.
Posts gory surgery photos on Facebook.


4. Rhonda Vincent
Illegally downloads Alison Krauss albums.
Smokes right by the door at restaurants.
Is known to tell fat jokes between songs.
Rolls coal.


3. Ricky Skaggs
Quite belligerent when drunk.
Once initiated a fistfight with Marty Stuart over who had the best hair.
Band members who make eye contact are docked a night's pay.
Retweets Lena Dunham daily.


2. Noam Pikelny
Spends all his downtime cursing at children while playing Horizon Zero Dawn on his PS4.
Waits until the last second to merge in traffic.
Didn't vote for Trump but pretends he did on Facebook just to piss off his liberal friends.
Constantly says "bae."


1. Alison Krauss
Requires parmesan dusted truffled croutons, a bottle of Eagle Rare 17 Year Old Single Barrel Kentucky Straight Bourbon, and Frette Diamond Jacquard towels on her tour rider.
Is a close talker, infrequent brusher.
Once punched a country blogger for putting an extra "s" in her first name on an album review.
Reported Rhonda Vincent to RIAA for illegally downloading her albums.

Mar 22, 2017

Jan 17, 2017

Top 10 Ways Nashville Will Respond to Sturgill Simpson's Popularity



10. Sign Virgil Simpson, Sturgill's tonedeaf cousin 

9. More songs about DMT

8. Ban pitch correction in lieu of barely discernible enunciation

7. Request Florida-Georgia Line try some of that "authenticity" stuff on for size

6. Vow to release another dumb bro-country song for every 
Facebook rant Sturgill goes on, out of spite

 5. Kidnap Dave Cobb; force him at gunpoint to produce Rascal Flatts next album

4. Quietly invite Sturgill to play the CMAs; never let anyone know 
about his 5 minutes of laughing on voice mail reply

3. Scour the hills of Kentucky for a salt-of-the-earth type who writes great songs; 
ruin him with spray tan, EMD, and emojis

2. Get Cole Swindell to cover "You Can Have the Crown" …very poorly

1. Just do whatever the fuck they were gonna do in the first place because 
they still don't know who Sturgill Simpson is

Dec 21, 2016

Top 10 Reasons Brantley Gilbert Fans are on Santa's Naughty List



10. Didn't know she was 17

…and a second cousin

9. Stole a bunch of batteries and Calamine lotion trying to make meth

8. Got a DUI while listening to a Brantley Gilbert (who is sober) drinking song

7. Punched a little person because "he wouldn't send a message to Santa"

6. Punched a woman in a road rage incident while driving to anger management class

5. Selling rock candy as crack at alternative school

4. Toting around homemade pipe bombs at "open carry rally"

3. Spray painted misspelled answers to remedial reading test on water tower beside the school as a cheat sheet

2. Sheep. [details redacted]

1. Keyed car of blogger who was mean to Brantley

Dec 2, 2016

Top 10 Things Kane Brown Fans Want for Christmas


10. Puberty

 
9. Batteries for the hearing aid that hasn't worked since 2013

 
8. Hello Kitty iPhone 4s case

 
7. To know which local professional wrestler is their daddy

 
6. Lightbar for their foriller

 
5. Neighbor's wifi password

 
4. Extra cake in the prison cafeteria

 
3. Donations to their cancer hoax Kickstarter campaign

 
2. Drugs, lots of drugs

 
1. My six front teeth



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By Trailer with help from Jeremy Harris

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