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10. That Babs didn’t use too much seasoning on the boiled chicken at the supper party last night
9. That Dan + Shay didn’t play the CMA’s so they didn’t have to accidentally hear any twang, fiddles, or steel guitars this year
8. That vodka is the same color as water
7. That their neighbors who listened to rap music and grilled on the front porch moved out
6. 20% discounts at the loaded tea place because they forced their son to work there
5. That their name isn’t actually Karen, because that would be too on the nose
4. That both Dan and Shay are happily married; they were concerned they might be gay so they’d have to stop liking them
3. That Jerry got the Christmas bonus early so they can book their 29th Disney vacation for next year
2. That wooden decorative signs with cliches on them are 50% off at Hobby Lobby this week
1. That their husband agreed to stop listening to scary Cody Childers or Waylon Haggard music in the house after the threat of no nookie
~ Trailer, with big help from Rich O’Toole
Five Finger Death Punch and Brantley Gilbert are going on tour.
For real. Here are the top ten things you might see if you went.
10. Everybody mad dogging each other instead of watching the show
9. Many neckbeards, but few necks
8. Nobody singing along because somebody might call them gay for singing
7. Punisher tattoos
6. Roid gut
5. A camel clutch wrestling hold executed to perfection
4. 7 women, all working at concession stands
2. Hundreds, maybe thousands, of fists bruised from punching walls
1. People in the 1% of worst music taste in America
Bonus thing: Several heartwarming reunions of cops and the people they arrested
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10. Convert the cattle troughs into vomit troughs
9. Be ready to write off the sod field on taxes; all those new boots will destroy it completely
8. Move cattle to farthest pasture; even dumb animals don’t deserve to hear that music
7. Leave the electric fence turned on in areas bros might sneak off to pee
6. Replace all “No Trespassing” signs with speakers saying the words over and over; Luke fans can’t read
5. Fence off the ponds so no little Luke Bryan fans will be created there
4. Haul in lots of gravel for muddy parking areas; you don’t want any of those idiots stuck on your farm any longer than necessary
3. Hire local bikers who hate pop-country as security
2. Make sure to rent extra wi-fi towers; Luke fans are more interested in filming TikToks than actually watching the concert
1. Hide the sheep and goats
9. Brantley Gilbert reveals which gun tattoo his kids will get first
8. Remember when Shania Twain busted her ass at the CMT Awards?
7. Thomas Rhett saves a turtle stuck in the road
6. Adorable! Gabby Barrett shows off her Easter outfit
5. Remember when Walker Hayes hit #1 with “Fancy Like?”
3. Remember when we were a reputable source for country music news? Neither do we.
1. Sam Hunt reveals his favorite attributes in a mistress
10. Yes, I’ll take the extra spicy chicken. And put some hot sauce in the bag
9. Sad songs make me happy
8. What’s the point of a gender reveal party? Just send everyone a nice card after you find out
7. The country music on the radio these days is just so bereft of depth and authenticity
6. I don’t think I’ll post the pics from our third trip to Disney World this year on Facebook or Instagram. It’s a bit much
5. No, you go to the Junior League fashion show without me
4. Is that Waylon Jennings, man? Well turn it up!
3. It’s cool that you brought your extended family who happen to be of Puerto Rican decent to our gated community’s pool. Of course I won’t call the police
2. Yes, this is wine, officer. You should arrest me and not take into account that my husband is a lawyer and a big wig on the school board
1. No, I don’t need to speak to the manager
10. A built in audience of TikTok fans you duped into thinking you were talented
9. A gym membership
8. Generic, character-free male country voice
7. Willingness to be an opening act forever (females)
6. Willingness to be a headliner with your own bus right out of the gate (males)
5. Ability to politely say nothing with many words, when asked about a serious topic in an interview
4. Strong knowledge of hair care techniques, including advanced shampoo and condition, heat protection, volumizer, mousse, and shine serum
3. Have large or new family and only talk about them ever and nothing else
2. Musical inspirations must include at least 3 of the following: 21 Pilots, John Mayer, Lil Wayne, Drake, Ariana Grande, Sugar Ray, Kanye, Keith Urban, Imagine Dragons, Taylor Swift (pop era).
1. Be boring as dry dog shit
10. A blood transfusion for the hookworm
9. Put $1500 on Roman Reigns to unify the titles at Wrestlemania
8. Soundcloud Pro Unlimited subscription for their NASCAR themed hick-hop group
7. Pay the painter to finish the Marjorie Taylor Greene mural on the trailer
6. One of those little pill counting thingies pharmacists have
5. Alt-right NFTs
4. Surely there’s something left to add lights to on the pickup truck
3. Swingers’ vacation to Myrtle Beach with wife who is also aunt*
2. Upgrade cock-fighting arena
1. Gas. Hell, who isn’t?
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*satire - not suggesting the two people in the picture are related*
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11. Ten Years of Bro-Country: A Retrospective
10. Florida-Georgia Line’s first Big Johnson t-shirts from when they were toddlers
9. The “Are You Tall and Handsome Enough to be a Mainstream Country Star?” Kiosk
8. Brantley Gilbert’s used dip can and Ed Hardy wallet (w/chain)
7. The Toby Keith “Put a Boot in in a Muslim’s Ass” Game
6. Cledus T. Judd kissing booth
5. A Salute to the Bachelorettes of Broadway documentary
4. “Are You More Smarter Than Luke Bryan?” interactive game
3. A collection of sexy Lee Greenwood photos
2. Animatronic hollering Garth Brooks
1. Outlaw Country: A Scratch-n-Sniff Photo Exhibit
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9. As crazy as this year’s been, mom’s okay with you repeating 10th grade again
8. Confederate flag Covid masks
7. That stimulus check bought you a new set of teeth (used)
6. If you never had a job, you can’t lose a job
5. The guy you owed $500 for cock fight gambling debts died of the Rona
4. Lots of time to polish up that mixtape
3. With online prayer meetings, you can finally smoke crack at church
2. That Upchurch still puts out like 15 albums a year
1. That if you’ve had herpes and ringworm at the same time, Covid ain’t shit
