Showing posts with label Justin Moore. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Justin Moore. Show all posts

May 8, 2020

The Current Poop of Mainstream Country Radio: May 2020

A poop emoji is negative. A strike-thru is positive.


The current Poop Rating of the Mediabase Top 20 is (6) overall which is a 25(!!) point improvement from December (the previous time we did this chart). I wouldn’t say the country chart is more country these days, but the quality has improved by leaps and bounds. There’s more depth. There are more women. The worst song is Florida-Georgia Line’s “I Love My Country.” The best song is Maddie & Tae’s “Die From a Broken Heart,” which has been on the charts for …ever, it seems.

Chart info from Mediabase/Country Aircheck.

Apr 8, 2020

Top 10 Worst Country Quarantine House Guests


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10. Garth Brooks
Just cries in the corner the whole time.

9. Kacey Musgraves
Smokes up all your weed. 

8. Gary LeVox
In this temporarily ‘nicer’ era of Farce the Music, I will leave this one alone, but you know why he’s here.

7. Martina McBride
High stakes poker games with toilet paper for money. Constantly setting up booby traps and cleaning her AK for when “shit goes down.”

6. Cody Jinks
Won’t stop reminding everyone that The Rock is a big fan. Unfortunately, Ward Davis had to come along too - it’s a package deal.

5. Justin Moore
Constantly needs help reaching stuff in the cabinet and climbing up on the toilet.

4. Mitchell Tenpenny
Your wife won’t come out of the bedroom because “his staring is getting really creepy.” Refuses to wash his hands.

3. Thomas Rhett
Brings over all his kids and their friends, negating the whole social distancing thing. Wants to have Ed Sheeran karaoke contests 24/7.

2. Sam Hunt
Expects you to keep his hair cut and styled for him. Water bill extremely high from washing all his jogger pants. Wants you to be the snap track for him when he’s writing songs. 

1. Shooter Jennings
Eats all your Funyuns. His ‘essential’ luggage is 5 crates of He-Man lunch boxes.
Eats up all the wifi bandwidth playing video games constantly. Conspiracy theories out the wazoo.

Nov 27, 2019

Small Town Way Sh**tier Than Country Songs Say


Auburn sophomore Paul Reynolds, home on Thanksgiving break, came to the startling realization that his hometown is way shittier than mainstream country songs say it is. In fact, just the drive back into his southern Georgia birthplace showed that it was a poorly-maintained, slowly dying crap-hole compared to the idyllic settings portrayed on the pop-country airwaves.

The old family-owned drugstore where he used to buy candy as a kid was now a payday loan with an ice cream counter. Where there wasn’t a pawn shop or high interest-rate financial scam business, there was a Walgreens or CVS. There were approximately 32 Dollar Generals. There was one Dollar General you could see another Dollar General from. Were there any Cole Swindell verses about Dollar Generals? 

Paul drove downtown, where country songs say the square is epicenter of tiny town culture. No teenagers were cruising, but there were about 5 of them in the vape shop that used to be a fancy cigar shop. He heard no bluegrass band playing on the plaza, but there were a couple of gunshots nearby. The beloved old men’s clothing store was now a hip wedding party venue for the private school set. Never heard about that in a Brantley Gilbert song.

Wednesday night, he figured he’d hit up his old high school friends to go out. Unfortunately, his buddy Matt had some sort of Facebook drama with his baby mama and couldn’t risk having his picture taken at the bar that night. Larry wasn’t home because he was in jail for selling pills. He thought about calling Kenneth, but Kenneth had a face tattoo now. Justin Moore never sang about this shit.

Throwing one last Hail Mary in an attempt to capture that throwback vibe of an Aldean tune, Paul went out and sipped a beer on a picnic table at the lake. Many a bonfire party and make-out session had taken place here, but tonight there was only one sketchy dude asking if he wanted to buy some meth. “Kiss my ass, Dustin Lynch” Paul told the confused narcotics dealer, before driving back to his folks’ house, completely sobered up. 

Jun 4, 2019

John Rich Singing “Shut Up About Politics” is Like:


John Rich, who's more famous for being politically provocative over the last few years than writing or performing songs, has a new song out called "Shut Up About Politics." Well, that's pretty much like....

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Florida-Georgia Line calling out people who use auto-tune


Shooter Jennings making fun of short people

Kane Brown covering “Murder on Music Row”

Miranda Lambert coming out against violent lyrics

Dustin Lynch calling someone a sellout

Dustin Lynch having a clothing line called “Stay Country”

Chris Brown wearing a “Mean People Suck” t-shirt

Tracy Lawrence talking sh** about Chris Brown

Luke Bryan saying somebody should act their age

David Allan Coe complaining about a sub-par concert

The Bellamy Brothers being against mixing country and rap

A Beyonce fan calling someone obsessed

Jamey Johnson saying Chris Knight waits too long between album releases

Hank 3 telling someone to watch their mouth

Tim McGraw saying someone has a stupid looking hat

Mitchell Tenpenny calling Old Dominion creepy

Old Dominion calling Mitchell Tenpenny creepy

Zac Brown saying any song is embarrassing


Apr 22, 2019

Fake News Classic: Justin Moore Concert Cut “Short”

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, September 22, 2009 
At last month's Sturgis Bike Rally in Sturgis, SD, abridged-stature country singer Justin Moore was forced to leave the stage mid-concert due to the unruly crowd. Moore, who just celebrated his first #1 song with "Small Town USA," was unable to perform over the wave of raucous laughter which began halfway through his song "I Could Kick Your Ass," so he unceremoniously exited with several minutes left in his set. 

"I couldn't help it," snickered North Carolina motorcycle enthusiast Clyde 'Bonegrinder' McGee. "I mean, the song was okay, but really? Really? That joker couldn't be more than 4 foot 9. He couldn't kick my lady friend's ass." "I've taken dumps bigger than him," laughed Murder City Riders Motor Club president Remus Barksdale, "and I thought country music was supposed to be about authenticity." 

The show got off to a promising start in the first half, with the crowd even singing along by the end of "Back That Thang Up" and waving flags patriotically through "Good Ol' American Way." However, things went south by the second chorus of "I Could Kick Your Ass." 

"I wasn't sure I'd heard him right the first time, but when he sang it again... 'I could kick your ass, I could jack your jaw'... I 'bout wet myself," said Linda Morrow of Chicago from atop her gleaming Harley Fat Boy. "He's a cute little thang, but jeez, you're standing on a phone book to reach the mic, dude." 

Laughter began from near the tattoo stand and spread like wildfire, drowning out the band and the elfin singer in a matter of seconds. Moore valiantly attempted to finish the song, but ultimately could not hear himself well enough to continue. Despite the chaos and scattered reports of sides injured from too much laughter, no one was arrested at the concert. 

Moore declined comment, but his management says there are no plans to make up the date in the short term. 


Apr 5, 2019

Austin Powers Country Reaction Gifs

♫ ♬ Oh, you've been makin' your brags around town
That you've been a lovin' my man
♫ ♬

How much it would take for me to go to a Mitchell Tenpenny concert

♫ ♬ Sure hate to break down here
Nothing up ahead or in the rearview mirror♫ ♬

When you read the comments from Kane Brown fans

Justin Moore says hi!

A typical greeting from a country radio program director to a woman singer

"If I was to say I think 'Old Town Road' is the best country song of the year, what would you say?"

Why do you hate on pop-country so much?

Jul 11, 2018

Country Singer Bars & Restaurants

It seems like every country A-lister has a new restaurant & bar open or on its way to Lower Broadway in Nashville. Inspired by a recent tweet from someone I follow, here are some (thus far) non-existent musician-owned bars and restaurants. 

After the Fries Are Gone
(Loretta Lynn)

Sam Hunt's Cake Pops in a Small Town

Chad Brock's Armbar & Grille

Justin Moore's Short Order Cafe

Let's Go Fajitas
(Faith HIll)

Angus Among Us Steakhouse
(Alabama)

The Heart Wants Pie
(Reba)

Chris Janson's Food Truck Yeah!

It Ain't All Flour
(Sturgill Simpson)

Skeevy's Place Sexy Ladies' Bar
(Old Dominion)

Bok Choy Take Me Away
(Dixie Chicks)

Cole Swindell's White Bread, Crackers, and Bud Light

The Plate of These Wings
(Miranda Lambert)

Brantley Gilbert's Suburban Biker Bar

Now That I Fondue
(Terri Clark)

Bucky Covington's Roadkill Truck

A Good Year for the Rosé
(George Jones)

Colt Ford's Gullet Shove Buffet



May 4, 2017

The Simpsons Country Reaction Gifs

Pop country fans going to a concert be like

I read somewhere that pop-country haters are jealous losers

Wearing a Luke Bryan t-shirt to school?

Yeah, Florida-Georgia Line has done so much for country music

Flanders Family Band bout to lay down some hardcore folk

How's that new John Moreland album?

Still more country than Sam Hunt

 Hey, you want free tickets to Justin Moore?

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