Reaching Across the Aisle

Predicting Mainstream Country in 2024

By Bobby Peacock

* Caught up in his trend to collaborate with everyone, Riley Green includes 19 artists on his next single... then forgets to include himself

* Entire Billboard Hot Country Songs chart occupied by Zach Bryan songs for five weeks straight; new rule enacted the next week to counter this results in chart occupied entirely by Morgan Wallen songs

* Oliver Anthony Music banned from Dollar General in Farmville, Virginia for vandalizing a display of Fudge Rounds

* Latest Cole Swindell single proven to be both written and produced by AI; results inconclusive on whether Cole himself is an AI

* Several casual Randy Travis fans experience shock upon hearing "Whisper My Name" for the first time

* Disturbance at Woodlawn Memorial Park in Nashville discovered to be Dobie Gray rolling in his grave after the release of Dustin Lynch's "Chevrolet"

* "You Can't Hide Beautiful" by Aaron Lines officially recognized as the first "boyfriend country" song

* Oliver Anthony Music denies allegations that he is related to Lorenzo Music, the former voice actor for Garfield

* For the first time, Luke Combs gets a single all the way to #1 before it even has a Wikipedia article

* Jason Aldean releases new single "But Some of My Best Friends Are Black"... alongside a cover of Cledus T. Judd's "Illegals"

* Bobby continues to be the only Farce the Music regular who refuses to make jokes about Kane Brown or Maren Morris

* Due to an overflow error, Zach Bryan's next album listed on Spotify as having -27 songs on it

* After the success of "Watermelon Moonshine", Lainey Wilson releases "We Danced Regardless", all the while denying allegations that she is just going to keep copying Deana Carter

* Blake Shelton continues his slide into irrelevance by collaborating with Pitbull... oh wait, he already did that

* At last, the long-awaited return of the Smokin' Armadillos

3 New George Strait Memes

It's Like 2013 All Over Again

Worst Songs of 2020: Bobby's Take

By Bobby Peacock

15. "Lonely If You Are" by Chase Rice

While far from his worst set of lyrics (I doubt he'll ever make anything worse than "Ready Set Roll"), it's just another generic, uninteresting booty-call where the only other ingredient I really have to work with is the unlikable person singing it. And that alone causes me to read a lyric like "the show your girls all come over for" as more misogynistic than I probably should. So maybe if someone else were singing this, you might find "Big, Big Plans", "Cool Again", or "Beers and Sunshine" in this slot instead. But as long as Chase Rice continues to be Chase Rice, I will continue to make room for him on worst-of lists.

14. "I Love My Country" by Florida Georgia Line

Good news: the mixing isn't quite as bad and the Auto-Tune is a lot less prevalent. (It really says something when switching to Corey Crowder is an improvement.) Bad news: it's still an annoyingly pandering country-pride anthem that brings absolutely nothing new to the table. Sure, it's not the worst thing they've ever released lyrically. But FGL's been running on fumes for a while, and between this and "Long Live", I don't think that "'Round Here' but with less overproduction" is going to be anywhere close enough to reverse their downward slide or even endear them to the non-fans.

13. "I Wish Grandpas Never Died" by Riley Green

I wish that interesting ideas weren't wasted on lazy, pandering list songs. I could pick apart every entry on this list, but the anachronistic conservatism of the first verse (divorce doesn't exist, respect your elders, blah blah blah) probably rubbed me the wrongest way. I'd much rather hear a story about the grandpa in question and why the narrator wishes that he never died -- in other words, I'd much rather hear Randy Travis' "He Walked on Water". (Okay, that one's about a great-grandfather. Close enough.) The sincere vocals and country-sounding production are the only elements keeping me from moving this song any higher.

12. "Bluebird" by Miranda Lambert

One of my least favorite tropes is when songs string a bunch of metaphors or similes together without a narrative theme. And boy, does this one have it bad: pages turned, digging for treasure (and somehow switching to records halfway through), wildcards, lemonade... pick a topic and stay with it, already! And what do bluebirds have to do with the rest of the song? (It's apparently an homage to an obscure poem. Never would have guessed, especially since that just comes the fuck out of nowhere.) Finally, what the hell does "turn twenty cents into a ten...rhyme a dime 'til it all makes sense" even mean, other than "this song is a total mess"? (A well-sung mess, but a mess nonetheless.)

11. "Kinfolks" by Sam Hunt

Sam Hunt doesn't usually grate on me because, as flagrantly un-country as he is, most of his songs are at least competent. The first one that I actively disliked was "Body Like a Back Road", and the second one is this. He has literally just met this girl, and he already wants to drag her back to his family like a cat dragging a dead mouse to its owner. Yes, sometimes you really do find the right one on the first try. But come on, don't you think you're rushing? Maybe it's just a stylistic thing or the lingering stink of "Back Road", but he seems less like he's found an instant match and more like he's just rushing to get his dick wet as fast as possible.

10. "Momma's House" by Dustin Lynch

Dustin Lynch continues to baffle me. "Cowboys and Angels" promised twang, but ever since, he's just been the clean channel to Jason Aldean's overdrive. While not his worst lyrically, where this song fails for me is in the overbearingly mechanical overly auto-tuned talk-singing (at least he used real drums this time), combined with the vastly dissonant hook. Okay, what about your momma? How does she even factor into this? Nope, it doesn't matter, I'm already bringing up more about the breakup. Maybe if the song sounded better, or maybe if it came from another artist who at least has some semblance of effort in his work, I wouldn't be quite as hard on the clashing tone.

9. "God Whispered Your Name" by Keith Urban

Probably the best-produced song on this list. I love the sound of Hammond organ and Wurlitzer electric piano, and after the pop bombast of his past few albums, it's nice to hear Keith Urban with fewer layers. What I don't love is motivational and/or religious clichés, and boy does this song have them in spades. "Bear the cross". "Being saved". "See the sunshine". "Baptized". "Warmth of your smile". "Amazing grace". I honestly do want to like this song because of how pleasant it sounds, but the faults of the lyrics are just way too strong for me not to notice them.

8. "One Margarita" by Luke Bryan

As of this writing, Luke Bryan is a 44-year-old married man with two children. So his hyper-fixation on alcohol-infused spring break parties makes him feel immature and stunted. The weird vocal processing on the chorus is just about the only thing that gives this increasingly tired formula any semblance of life. Is it tone-deaf in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic, though? On the one hand, it was written long before then and I can see the argument that it's just escapism. On the other hand, the kind of people who would use this song as escapism are likely the kind to hold giant parties with no concern for social distancing...

7. "Nobody but You" by Blake Shelton feat. Gwen Stefani

Blake didn't seem to mesh with Miranda, and he really doesn't seem to mesh with the Hollaback Girl. Maybe it's the overbearing wall-of-sound production (I'm not a Scott Hendricks fan, but this is seriously the worst I've ever heard out of him). Maybe it's the extremely unoriginal lines such as "I don't wanna live without you, I don't wanna even breathe". Maybe it's Blake's delivery, which sounds strained on the high notes and completely phoned in on the rest. Maybe it's the utter lack of chemistry between him and Gwen. Whatever the case, I do wanna go down any other road just to get away from this nonsense.

6. "We Back" by Jason Aldean

Aldean has been on autopilot for so long that his last four albums have barely even registered for me. This song is just the same formula for what feels like the hundredth time: big minor-key power chords, soaring chorus, references to good ol' boys and girls drinkin' beer and blaring AC/DC (sorry, Trailer, I just can't get into them at all). Hell, even the references to speakers and obligatory omission of verbs to sound "cool" were recycled from the equally forgettable "Lights Come On". He does still have decent songs in him ("Any Ol' Barstool", "Drowns the Whiskey"), so his continued formulaic pandering is just eyerolling.

5. "Good Time" by Niko Moon

This one doesn't piss me off quite as much as it did Trailer. I will admit it does have quite a lot against it: generic party-in-the-woods lyrics that can't even come up with a decent hook; paper-thin vocals that say "I got a record deal entirely because I wrote a few songs that happened to be hits for someone else"; trap snares for days; and me wondering what the hell kind of mind control this guy has over Zac Brown that he was so able to thoroughly ruin what used to be one of the brightest spots on mainstream radio. At least Niko knows what an acoustic guitar is...

4. "Hey Boy, Hey Girl" by Upchurch feat. Katie Noel

Trailer put this one on his list so I had to check it out. And it charted, so now I have to include it too. Yay. Where do I even begin? I mean, I know what to expect from Upchurch from all of my coworkers who think that blaring hick-hop while drinking White Claw gives them street cred. But who is Katie Noel? Oh yeah, she's some Z-list auto-tuned trap-snare nobody. Put the two together, add probably the first-ever name drop of Justin freakin' Moore, the eight billionth "hey girl" hook this decade, and token references to cars and nights, and you have an unlistenably bad mess that makes "Take Back Home Girl" sound like "Golden Ring".

3. "10,000 Hours" by Dan + Shay feat. Justin Bieber

Considering how thoroughly I thrashed this in the "Worst of the 2010s" list, I bet you're surprised this is only #3, huh? Well, spoilers: the #2 and #1 songs didn't exist yet when I made that list. I already eviscerated this excessively lovey-dovey, emasculating, calculated piece of garbage last year when I made that list, and my opinion has not changed. Dan + Shay are still nauseatingly uber-romantics who can't get through a single sentence without gushing about their wives, and Justin Bieber is... well, he's still Justin Bieber. Say what you will about "I Should Probably Go to Bed"; at least it's about something else besides being all doe-eyed over your woman.

2. "More Than My Hometown" by Morgan Wallen

I don't get Morgan Wallen. All of his other songs just go in one ear and out the other for me, so at least this one got a reaction. Being an old-fashioned homeboy is not in and of itself a bad thing. But this song's hook just reads as rude and dismissive. Maybe it wouldn't chafe as much if he gave at least some kind of well wishes to the girl he's leaving behind, or even some detail as to why his hometown is so vastly important to him. (And I'm not saying that just because my own hometown went to pot long before I left it...) But as it stands, he just seems like a cranky old man far too stubborn to get with the times. And he probably still isn't wearing a mask.

1. "Dicked Down in Dallas" by Trey Lewis

It's hard to do vulgar humor right, especially in musical form. However, this one fails to deliver on the "humor" part. There's hardly even a setup; just "She left me", and then it jumps into a list of sex acts that all happen to begin with the same letter as a random Southern city. I'm coarse and vulgar enough to ghost-write an entire Bob Saget standup routine, so I'm not pissed off because Trey said "butt-fucked"; I'm pissed off because saying "butt-fucked" with zero context is not a punchline. Combine that with the fact that the premise is nothing but slut-shaming -- just about the last thing a country song should be about post-Saladgate -- and this becomes the last-minute worst country song of 2020 in my book.

ACMs 2020: (Semi) Snarky Twitter Wrap-Up

The ACM Awards were obviously a more serious and somber affair this year, so the hatin' wasn't as prevalent. That said, here are a few bits of insight and humor from last night's show.

I guess I’ll watch the ACMs. Probably won’t be a lot of hatin’ cause things are weird. As you may know.

— Farce the Music (@Farcethemusic) September 17, 2020

Here’s some hatin’: Dan + Shay suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. #ACMawards

— Farce the Music (@Farcethemusic) September 17, 2020

Dan + Shay rhymes with Maddie & Taye, the real duo of the year in my country music heart #ACMawards

— Sarah Boesveld (@sarahboesveld) September 17, 2020

“One Margarita” was definitely written by an online hit summer country song generator. #ACMawards

— Farce the Music (@Farcethemusic) September 17, 2020

I couldn’t tell you Dan from Shay though... and I thought Old Dominion was better when they were in the Sun Belt Conference.

— Jay Cooper (@jayacoop) September 17, 2020

Carrie Underwood just covered Patsy Cline, Loretta Lynn, Barbara Mandrell, Dolly Parton, Reba McEntire, and Martina McBride on the ACM AWARDS. Carrie Underwood just had a "moment." She is what pop country should be. #ACMawards

— Saving Country Music (@KyleCoroneos) September 17, 2020

I think Nashville needs an intervention about their drinking problem. (It’s worse than usual) #ACMawards

— Farce the Music (@Farcethemusic) September 17, 2020

I had no clue the #ACMawards were on tonight.

Then again, over half the nominees have no clue who Merle Haggard is so whatever.

— NotKennyRogers (@NotKennyRogers) September 17, 2020

I don’t think I’ve ever cared less about a celebrity couple than Blake and Gwen lol

— Lorie Liebig (@lorieliebig) September 17, 2020

Fun fact: Luke Combs did a tune up on that truck before the commercial.

— Farce the Music (@Farcethemusic) September 17, 2020

I always knew country music would eventually get so bad that nobody would show up at those award shows, but y’all didn’t believe me...

— Kevin Moon (@_KevinMoon) September 17, 2020

We would have severe overpopulation and traffic problems if Riley Green’s song came true.

— Farce the Music (@Farcethemusic) September 17, 2020

"Excuse me. Sir?? Can you tell me how to get to Copperhead Road?" "Yeah, uh, head down Copperhead road. Run right on Copperhead. Another left on Copperhead. Then boom. You're on Copperhead. "

— Tyler Daniel (@TylerDaniel28) September 17, 2020

I like the idea of Luke Combs sitting in the Bluebird and occasionally having to get up and be like what again?

— Elamin Abdelmahmoud (@elamin88) September 17, 2020

Play Mickey Guyton, country radio.

— Farce the Music (@Farcethemusic) September 17, 2020

it’s a crime you all let Florida Georgia Line be as popular as they are

— rach coop (@rec__22) September 17, 2020

A man can stumble out of the Gap Outlet at the Opryland Mall to pick up an Entertainer Of The Year trophy, apparently. #ACMs

— Country Universe (@CountryUniverse) September 17, 2020

I don’t like the phrase “mediocre white male” because I am one, but Thomas Rhett is also one.

— Farce the Music (@Farcethemusic) September 17, 2020

Country TwitterFAIL: August 2020

ACMs Snubbed Jones, Cash, Ray Price, Says Man Who Apparently Time Traveled from the 70s

Larry Jack Pullen of West Memphis, Arkansas, who may be in possession of a device that can transport humans through time, is very upset with the Academy of Country Music awards nominations that were announced yesterday. He took to Facebook to announce his displeasure, saying “No George Jones, Johnny Cash or Ray Price. They are getting awards for ruining Country Music.” The comment was in response to a Facebook post that listed the likes of Thomas Rhett and Luke Combs as 2020 nominees.

When reached by Messenger for comment (I didn't tell him the artists he listed were no longer alive because I assumed he knew), Pullen went on a long rant about the fabric of America, smart phones, and something about “the Chinamen,” before finally getting back around to country music. 

“Riley Green, who’s she? If Johnny Paycheck isn’t up for best male artist, then what the hell is even going on? Nobody respects are elders any more and that’s why Jimmy Carter got elected.”

I asked Larry Jack if he could share the secret of time travel with me, but he said I must be on the reefer to ask something like that. “Your one of them what’s trying to make country music liberal and gay, aren’t you?” he asked. “IF YOU PEOPLE BY GOD RUIN WHAT GLEN CAMPBELL AND CONWAY TWITTY WORK EVERY DAY TO KEEP STRONG I WILL FIND WHERE YOU LIVE and you will regret it!” 

I tried to calm the conversation, but it was no use. “It’s a g***amn shame what their doing.” said Pullen, “I bet Tammy Wynette won’t even be preforming on the show, will she?” When I let him know that Wynette had sadly passed on, he told me to send condolences to her family and let him know where to send flowers. 

*this is based on a real Facebook comment (just the first one) - only the name was changed*

Those Already Exist, Riley Green

Honest Radio Promo Ads: Riley Green & Jimmie Allen

I didn't have to do anything to this one besides point out all the bro-country signifiers. Oh joy!