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Folk Singer Denied Early Vaccination Despite Having an “Old Soul”

Folk singer Torland Minor says he’s been denied receiving the Covid vaccine in the early rollout despite having what he describes as an “old soul.” Minor, 24, made multiple attempts at signing up for both the Pfizer and Moderna inoculations but was kicked out of the sign-up process despite his claims. 

Minor, clad in oil-stained brown trousers, a plaid shirt with a vest, and a long London Fog raincoat, visited with us and stated his case for inclusion in the first wave of shots. “Both the online and phone bank sign-ups wouldn’t even give me a chance once I submitted my age, but what of the depth and vision of a man?” asked Minor. “What of his levels of empathy for the downtrodden and what of his love of Werther’s Originals?” 

Torlund has made a name for himself on the folk scene in recent years with his downbeat tales of train-hopping wanderers and climate-change threatened tribesmen. Pitchfork called his 2019 album Forked Toungues and Peacoats a “snapshot of a young man who’s given up on the wonder and yearnings of youth” and Under the Radar called him “an up and coming folkster who seems to carry the world with the burden of a man six decades his elder.”

“If that’s not proof enough, I don’t know.” laughed Minor. “I even shushed some kids in the bodega the other night.” 

When asked if he has any pre-existing conditions that might make him more susceptible to the coronavirus, Torlund simply replied “life is a pre-existing condition.” 

At press time Minor was mixing himself a Tom Collins.

Monday Morning Memes: Luke Bryan, Parties, Florida-Georgia Line

Important Risk Chart

Morgan Wallen Fans Announce Boycotts Over SNL Drop

 

Two weekends ago, Morgan Wallen spent his Saturday drinking and canoodling with sorority girls at the University of Alabama. One weekend ago, Wallen was supposed to make his Saturday Night Live debut, but that didn’t happen. Due to its COVID policies, SNL was forced to replace Wallen with singer/songwriter/guitarist Jack White, and fans of the mulleted pop-country singer are not pleased.

“It don’t exist… Covid don’t exist!” said Laura Hagar of South Carolina, “It’s a liberal hoax to make sure Sleepy Joe wins the election. And now it’s hurt my baby, Morgan!” Hagar has seen over 20 Wallen concerts and even has his autograph tattooed across her C-section scar. “And I seen people on Facebook talking down on him cause he was kissing them girls even though he’s got a new baby. B**ch, life don’t end just cause you daddy. Anyway, I will never watch MBC again. (sic)”

Larry Keel, another Wallen fan, is taking a similar approach. “I’m boycotting Saturday Night Live, starting 22 years ago because that’s when I was born, and I’ve never watched it,” he said. “And I’m not gone start now - they coulda brought him out there in a HAZMAT suit… it’s bullsh**.”

The Morgan Wallen Nation, a fan page on Facebook, has declared that it will boycott NBC, SNL, and all of Saturday Night Live’s sponsors, including Bud Light and Apple. “Axe Body Spray is going to be a tough one, but I’m sure there are options out there to keep us smelling like if tribal tattoos were an odor.” read one post. 

“Who the hell is Jake White?” asked one fan on Twitter. “I watched him for 10 seconds and he was to ugly for me too look at. Give me my sexy country boy SNL!!!” 

Wallen, for his part, has apologized for his behavior and for ruining his opportunity. “I think I have some growing up to do.” said the singer.

At press time, a subset of his fans have taken exception to his contriteness, calling him a “soy boy” and a “cuck” and vowing to throw their support to Luke Combs.

COVID Country Parody Album Covers: Dolly, Turnpike, etc.

Was It All a Dream?

COVID Country Parody Album Covers: Tammy Wynette, John Rich, Louvins, etc.

Report: Nobody Gives a Sh** What Famous Country Singers Are Doing During Quarantine

Reports from every American man and woman, regardless of political belief or musical preference, on Friday said they do not give one solitary shit what famous country singers are doing to pass time during the COVID-19 quarantine.

Despite numerous attempts by Taste of Country and PopCulture.com, not a single story of singers drinking coffee and reading to their kids has piqued the interest of normal everyday citizens. While Americans realized the difficulty of finding interesting news during this difficult time, they were resolute in their belief that “this ain’t it, chief.” 

“I’m only working 20 hours a week and the PPP and my stimulus check have run out so I’m worried about paying the mortgage,” said Rena Hopson of Kalamazoo, MI. “So no, I am not interested in how Luke Bryan is doing Tik Tok videos with his beautiful wife on their sprawling farm… call me cynical, I call me a realist.” 

Even TMZ has taken to peeking in the windows of country stars like Jason Aldean and Thomas Rhett to see how they’re coping with the pandemic. “Aldean appeared to be fussing at his daughter for playing Animal Crossing when she was supposed to be taking out the trash.” said a breathless paparazzi reporter for the rag. Again, this did nothing to snatch the attention of any human being upon the earth, who were each dealing with their own issues at the present time. 

“I understand that there’s nothing going on, so they have to get creative with their content,” laughed Azid Parah of Pensacola. “But I have kids to keep busy and bills to pay, so I do not give even one damn what kind of sourdough Kelsea Ballerini is baking this week.” 

At press time, The Boot was interviewing Florida-Georgia Line about their favorite episode of Unsolved Mysteries. 

They've Run Out of Stuff to Talk About

More Monday Memes: Kid Rock, Florida Georgia Line, The Simpsons

Monday Morning Memes: Summer Country Edition

Country Covid Parody Album Covers: Alan Jackson, Shania Twain

Get An Education, Kids

More More Monday Memes: FGL, Dustin Lynch, Scott Borchetta

Dustin Lynch Despondent Over Loss of Abs During Lockdown

Country star Dustin Lynch is missing touring. He’s missing meeting his fans at meet and greets. He’s missing a lot of everyday things we usually take for granted during normal times. These are not normal times, and Lynch is missing one of his few positive attributes in these crazy days: his abs. 

Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, the singer of “Blue Eyed Feet on a Dashboard” has been without his trainer for nearly 3 months. “He’s all concerned about his health and I get that,” said a concerned Lynch. “But what about my appearance? That’s what keeps us both employed.”

Lynch, performer of the massive smash “Hometown Honey Girl,” says he maintains a simple workout program of crunches, sit-ups, and a basic weight regimen, but that without professional oversight, he often ends up quitting early to stare at himself in the mirror and take Instagram pics. “I mean, I still look hot,” he said. “But this six pack is turning into a slightly more covered in fat six pack.”

Known for his bright smile and the bro-country classic “Extended Cab Love Makin’,” Lynch has also been without his nutritional advisor during the lockdown. “We Zoom and whatnot,” he laughed. “But without her here in person to stuff me with kale and chicken breasts, I’ve been chowing down on pizza rolls constantly.” 

Lynch says he’s gained nearly 4.5 pounds and that his waist size has ballooned to a 30. “I’m scared this Coronavirus thingie is going to be over all of the sudden and I’ll have to go on tour looking like a fatty!” complained the singer of “Where My Good Girl At.” “My fangirls expect a certain level of sexiness, and I’m just a soft 8.5 out of 10 right now.” 

At press time, Dustin was on his third Crest White Strips cycle of the day.

Coronavirus Parody Album Covers: Robert Earl Keen, Charlie Robison, Eric Church