Reports from every American man and woman, regardless of political belief or musical preference, on Friday said they do not give one solitary shit what famous country singers are doing to pass time during the COVID-19 quarantine.
Despite numerous attempts by Taste of Country and PopCulture.com, not a single story of singers drinking coffee and reading to their kids has piqued the interest of normal everyday citizens. While Americans realized the difficulty of finding interesting news during this difficult time, they were resolute in their belief that “this ain’t it, chief.”
“I’m only working 20 hours a week and the PPP and my stimulus check have run out so I’m worried about paying the mortgage,” said Rena Hopson of Kalamazoo, MI. “So no, I am not interested in how Luke Bryan is doing Tik Tok videos with his beautiful wife on their sprawling farm… call me cynical, I call me a realist.”
Even TMZ has taken to peeking in the windows of country stars like Jason Aldean and Thomas Rhett to see how they’re coping with the pandemic. “Aldean appeared to be fussing at his daughter for playing Animal Crossing when she was supposed to be taking out the trash.” said a breathless paparazzi reporter for the rag. Again, this did nothing to snatch the attention of any human being upon the earth, who were each dealing with their own issues at the present time.
“I understand that there’s nothing going on, so they have to get creative with their content,” laughed Azid Parah of Pensacola. “But I have kids to keep busy and bills to pay, so I do not give even one damn what kind of sourdough Kelsea Ballerini is baking this week.”
At press time, The Boot was interviewing Florida-Georgia Line about their favorite episode of Unsolved Mysteries.