Showing posts with label Scott Borchetta. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Scott Borchetta. Show all posts

Nov 21, 2019

Steel Magnolias Country Reaction Gifs

If I'm subjected to a Mitchell Tenpenny song long enough to hear his voice

"Y'all mind if I play some Tanya Tucker?"

I told y'all about Scott Borchetta years ago

The unspoken motto of Farce the Music

When Sturgill went from country to hard rock

When you look in the mirror and see an actual angel

If you don't care about the authenticity of music, only the financial gain you can get from it...

When Clairee says Kane Brown is the greatest country singer

Sep 6, 2019

Garth Brooks Near Destitution

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, March 26, 2013 

Garth Brooks is nearly broke. 

The somber, emaciated (for him) 51-year-old across the table from our correspondent stood in stark contrast to the color-block shirted, barrel-chested wild man of Nashville memory as he confessed that "girls are expensive." 

Despite 200 million in album sales, years of sold out concert tours and an estimated $350 million in career earnings, the country legend is surviving on Spam and saltine crackers these days as he plots his comeback. "I know, I know... I've seen all those VH1 specials about guys like MC Hammer and thought, how the hell did they go through all that money?" admitted Brooks, pulling at a loose thread on his 2008 Old Navy America t-shirt. 

Brooks put his career on hiatus in 2001 to see his daughters through high school and into college. The costs of his divorce that year and the upbringing of three girls was a far greater financial strain than any of his fans might have imagined. "Well, Sandy got half and the girls got the other half," chuckled Garth, sipping Big K Cola from a can. "I didn't know Bratz cost so damn much." 

"I've also burned through most of Trisha's money with some bad investments," he continued, with a tear the size of a quarter building in his left eye. "The pager store franchise went under in '02... damn cell phones. And my personal brand of offensively bright shirts for big and tall men never got off the ground due to a sweat-shop scandal." 

His three-year Vegas run only put a band-aid on the problem as bills and tuition costs slowly ate away at Brooks' remaining fortune. "I've lost 60 pounds, man; all my old 'Mo' Bettas look like circus tents on me now. I'm going in for a third mortgage on the mansion." 

A potential comeback is in the cards, though the 26-year Nashville vet is not currently aligned with a record label. "Borchetta is interested in a comeback album, but he's not sure I'll fit the Big Machine mold. Hell, I guess I'd do auto-tune and sing about trucks... I need some money, pardner!" said Brooks. 

The "Friends in Low Places" superstar bid us adieu for his afternoon Starbucks shift with these off-topic words: "Everybody blames me for pop-country, but I'm Hank Sr. compared to folks these days..." 

At press time, Scott Borchetta had passed on Garth Brooks for a 19-year-old community college dropout with a five o'clock shadow and an intriguing chin scar. 


Jan 18, 2018

BMLG Signs "I'll Slap a Ho" Singer Tucker Mitchelson

Scott Borchetta Wednesday announced the signing of Missouri singer Tucker Mitchelson to BMLG's subsidiary imprint Valory Music, Inc. The Chesterfield native, known for his underground hit "I'll Slap a Ho," is expected to begin work on a new country album in March. 

Mitchelson, whose repertoire also includes the songs "Sluts in My Truck," "Spread 'Em," and "T&A," is a 6'4", 230 lb specimen of a former junior college quarterback with a five o'clock shadow and a knack for writing what his fans want to hear. His musical style is best described as: listen to country radio for 30 minutes and mix that all together, then add lots of tales of questionable sexual misadventures. 

Borchetta is excited to introduce his newest signing, the writer of regional favorite "Bring Your Friend Too." "Tucker brings a certain frankness which is sorely missing in music these days," beamed Borchetta. "His approach will certainly ruffle some feathers, but rest assured that he has great respect for women." 

"I has great respect for women," said Mitchelson, echoing his boss' sentiments. "My approach will certainly rustle some feathers, but I think we need some people keeping it 100 in this day and age." "My songs are funny, so nobody should be offended - it's just sapphire [sic] - I love chicks, so why would I write songs that make them not want to hang out with me?"

He went on to explain that "'I'll Slap a Ho' is sung from the point of view of a "sexualist" dude who doesn't respect women like I do." Mitchelson told us he plans to defray any backlash against his 'satirical' lyrics by donating a portion of his signing bonus to "sexual harassment." 

"Sure, these songs are ballsy, if not stupid, to release in the current environment, but hey, rap is worse…" argued Borchetta. "And you should see all the little girls singing along to 'Sixteen's Just a Number.'"

At press time, Tucker Mitchelson's first official single "It Won't Bite" was going for adds at country radio.


Jul 14, 2017

Gif of Hot White Guy Holding a Puppy is the #1 Country Song

Ryan Michael Chadson performs "hot dude holding a puppy"
(©2017 Chadson/Renaldo/Gorley)
A gif entitled "hot dude holding puppy" has made country music history this week, becoming the first animated image file to claim the top spot on Billboard's Hot Country Song chart. Thanks to Billboard's new format-inclusive formula for calculating the popularity of country songs, the future is now ...and it's pretty damn hot!

Ryan Michael Chadson is the muscled hunk behind the "song," and he's as shocked as anyone at its success. "This isn't a country song." he told us, scratching his head, mussing his luxuriously gelled back locks of hair. "Like, how is it played on the radio? I'm so confused."

Popular syndicated country morning DJ Bobby Bones smugly told us "It's like I've said, country music is whatever country fans want it to be." "There's so much evolution in country music right now." he continued, "I'm humbled and excited to be just a small part of it by posting the gif on all of our social media accounts and discussing it constantly on my popular syndicated radio show! But I don't want any credit at all."

Chadson's girlfriend, Lucy Renaldo, also gets her first number one country song, her shadow visible for a millionth of a second in one frame of the hit gif. She is the only female artist in the top 100.

"It just goes to show that we need an itty-bitty, tiny, microscopic even, fleck of tomato mixed in with the lettuce to call it a salad," laughed radio consultant Keith Hill. "Now, if she'd have been holding the puppy, the song would've been dead on arrival, but that's just the way it is and nobody can do anything about it."

Those with a keen eye might recognize the name of a cowriter on the smash hit "hot dude holding puppy." That's right, it's Ashley Gorley, who converted the gif to black and white in Photoshop! This marks the 28,034th number one song for the Kentucky native.

Ryan Michael Chadson, despite his bemusement at the situation, is currently entertaining offers from Big Machine and Mercury. "Well, it beats software engineering, I guess" said Chadson as he perused a glowing email from Scott Borchetta.

Many in the online music critic circles are deriding the historic occurrence, including the typically curmudgeonly Farce the Music and Saving Country Music. Fans, however, see things much differently. "I love it!" said Chadson fan Kimberly Sparks, "Critics are just jealous haters. Who are they to define what a 'song' is?"

At press time, a Snapchat story of a hot bearded guy with a fidget spinner spinning on his abs was going for adds at country radio next Tuesday.

Jan 4, 2017

Country Newcomer Dylin Peters Combines Bro-Country with Stapleton

Country Newcomer Dylin Peters 
Combines Bro-Country with Stapleton

Already named on 53 "ones to watch in 2017" lists, Dylin Peters is poised to be the break-out country star of the coming year. The strapping 22-year-old is a former college tight end who hosted sorority poetry nights when he wasn't practicing on the gridiron. Now he's signed to Big Machine and ready to open eyes, ears, and legs.

Label head Scott Borchetta says he saw country music's future when he signed Dylin through a modeling agency saw Dylin play a writer's round in Nashville. "He's got that indefinable 'it' factor," beamed Borchetta "He's got that certain something that appeals to college girls who miss all the fun party songs on the radio, and don't really like Chris Stapleton but got swept up in his buzz."

Peters for his part, is busy sculpting his abs in the gym and his beard in the mirror. "I'm here to make it cool to party again, but with like, bigger words in the lyrics" he smiles, winningly, through much facial hair.

When asked of his influences, the earthy, yet conventionally handsome Peters mentions Luke Bryan, Drake, and the Allman Brothers. It's not lip service either. Dylin's music calls to mind a soulful southern rock show with a modern commodified twist. The difference is in his lyrics, written by droves of Nashville's finest writers, which intersperse emotional truths with hip jargon and smoldering come-ons. The difference is also in the presence of more electronic flourishes and in the constant Instagram stream of rough-hewn beefcake photos.

"We weaponized the edgy outsider vibe of Sturgill Simpson and Chris Stapleton with more commercially palatable tempos and pop-influenced soundscapes," says Borchetta. "This guy is gonna be huge with people who only like going to arena shows, but want a little more perceived depth in their background music."

At press time, Peters was preparing to release his first single, "Barrelhouse Babes."


*fake news*

Mar 10, 2016

Farce's Wall of Honor Gets a Major Upgrade

The Farce the Music Wall of Honor

We here at FTM consider it a positive, nay a victory, when an enemy of truth in country music on Twitter has finally had their fill of brutal honesty from us and blocks our account. While still nowhere near the level we hope to achieve, we've had at least 6 well known artists/head honchos deem us unworthy of reading their tweets. Witness, the FTM Wall of Honor!

And welcome our new crown jewel, none other than Mr. Luther Bryan!




Had to go back and add the infamous Mikel Knight, Country Rap King, as well...

Aug 21, 2015

The Farce the Music Wall of Honor

We here at FTM consider it a positive, nay a victory, when an enemy of truth in country music on Twitter has finally had their fill of brutal honesty from us and blocks our account. While still nowhere near the level we hope to achieve, we've had at least 5 well known artists/head honchos deem us unworthy of reading their tweets. Witness, the FTM Wall of Honor!


Had to go back and add the infamous Mikel Knight, Country Rap King, as well...


May 29, 2015

How to Know Summer is Here

 How to Know Summer is Here

Kid Rock is being played on every format. (Except rock and rap)

Green Peace begins lecturing all new recruits on not rolling Gary Levox back into
the water if he's encountered on the beach.

Female country singers become more popular to bros. Because cutoffs.

Every package of Gold Bond medicated powder includes a download
of the latest Luke Bryan Spring Break album.

Wynonna's orange glow becomes more of a grapefruit color.

The amount of nighttime that Scott Borchetta has for feeding is reduced significantly.

Trailer starts bitching about his yard needing mowed instead
of Mississippi State having a horrible season.

...country music remix season.

Country Rap King Mikel Knight decreases the days between showers for his street teams to 7.

Some country music bigwig says something stupid. Wait, that's every season...

Colt Ford makes extra money blocking the sun from Jason Aldean's forehead.

Leann Rimes blends in with everyone else.

New tailgate songs.

You go to a big drunk redneck fight and a country music festival breaks out.

 Calm down Trailer. We get it, mowing sucks.


------
Almost all of these by Jeremy Harris

May 4, 2015

Star Wars/Country Music Doppelgangers

I'm as annoyed as you by the whole "May the 4th Be With You" blather that goes on this day in recent years. I'm a Star Wars fan, but give it a rest, will ya? No, I guess we won't. Here are some Star Wars/country music doppelgangers (or at least equivalents).

Scott Borchetta (L); Emperor Palpatine (R)

Kenny Chesney (L); Admiral Ackbar (R)

Charles Kelley of Lady Antebellum (L); Obi Wan Kenobi (R)

Hunter Hayes (L); Anakin Skywalker (R)

Cole Swindell (L); Jar Jar Binks (R). I think...?

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