Showing posts with label Fake News Classics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Fake News Classics. Show all posts

Jun 14, 2019

Texas Band Proclaims Love of Their Home State in Song

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, July 21, 2011 
A new band out of New Braunfels, Texas, is proud of their home state and they are not ashamed to let the world know. The DeWayne Tillis Band's debut digital single "Texas in My Veins" is an anthem to the Lone Star State that lets us all in on what's going down in the little-known, rarely mentioned home of such things as "Shiner," "Ray Wylie" and "bluebonnets." 

The song, a catchy assimilation of country and rock that sounds vaguely like Steve Earle fronting Lynyrd Skynyrd, is a mash note to Texas, while also reminding us not to "mess" with said state. Lead singer DeWayne Tillis co-wrote the song with bassist Colton McBride after seeing either a Jamie Crowe Band or Kasey Rogers Band concert one night (they couldn't remember which). 

"Man, they were so good and had us fist-pumping and 'whoo-ing' all night and just loving life in this humble little state," related Tillis. McBride chimed in: "And we just thought... man, there ought to be at least one song out there to let people know just how completely, unassumingly awesome it is here." 

The band's love of Texas isn't limited only to song. Drummer Charlie Peacock revealed some early sketches of the band logo, a charmingly subtle combination of the band's name in a grunge typeface with the state's outline and a guitar which seems to be sprouting eagle wings. "We thought our brand, our logo, ought to be as unique as this reverential land we call home" said Peacock. "Damn, that's gonna look good hanging on cheap banners down at the Icehouse!" 

According to DeWayne Tillis, the group's debut album won't focus specifically on Texas: "We got love songs, songs about being a band on the road, uh... did I say love songs already?" The collection of tunes, tentatively titled Aw Shucks, We're From Texas, is due for release in October, or sooner if the single touches a nerve with radio audiences yearning for confirmation of the state they all hold so bashfully dear. 



May 29, 2019

Brantley Gilbert Fan to Graduate High School

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, February 21, 2012 

Brantley Gilbert fan Nat Barksdale of Covington, Georgia, recently announced that he will graduate high school this spring, making him the first Gilbert fan to do so without the aid of post-dropout GED courses. 

"My counselor says it looks like I'm going to scrape by in driver's ed and welding class and finally graduate!" said an elated Nathaniel, who will gain his 22nd credit, making him graduation-ready after six years of studious classwork. "It's been a struggle," he admitted, "but thanks to a couple of tutors and Brantley Gilbert's inspirational music, I'm going to throw that mortal board (sic) in the air this May!" 

"It was dicey there for a while," said Barksdale's frazzled guidance counselor Renny Smith, "but we finally got him off crystal meth and got him to buckle down and it looks like he'll be out of my hair for good!" She continued: "He's a pretty good boy, but that arson conviction in 10th grade really set him back; I'm thankful he put his nose to the grindstone and is finishing on a high note." 

After an uncomfortably long parking lot kiss from his 8th grade girlfriend, Jeanette Cosby, Nat told us: "You don't know how happy I was to hear the word 'graduation.' Me and Jeanny can finally get married this summer!" Cosby, in her second trimester of pregnancy, smiled and added: "Nat's gonna start at the A/C coil factory in June and mama's already got us a spot picked out for the trailer." 

Strains of Brantley Gilbert's "You Don't Know Her Like I Do" echoed through the low-riders and Bondocolored economy cars as the couple danced a victory waltz. Barksdale's 'homeboys' stood back against a cattle-guard gate smoking and gently applauding the success of their Affliction-tshirt-clad idol. 

"We're hitting up the Eric Church/Brantley Gilbert show in Orange Beach next month to celebrate!" exclaimed Barksdale, tipping back a Steel Reserve tallboy. 

"Well, I've got to get back to Algebra 1 before I get counted tardy," said the 20-year-old as he bid us adieu through the haze of Camel smoke. 

At press time, Nat was expected to be granted a lifetime membership to the Brantley Gilbert Nation fan club for his unprecedented academic accomplishments. 

May 22, 2019

Your Mama to Release Country Single

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California August 03, 2010 
Your mama has announced the release of her first country single. The maternal head of your family has signed with Stroudavarious Records and lead single "Gaining Ground" will precede an album of the same title due in December. A radio station tour to promote the song will begin next Thursday after her dentist appointment. That tooth where she got the filling in May is really aching lately. 

James Stroud, CEO and founder of Stroudavarious, had this to say of your mother: "She brings a lot to the table, literally and figuratively, ha ha ha. When we found out she had such a large circle of Bunco and book club friends and that she used to sing backup for a bar rock band in college, it was a no-brainer!" 

When questioned if your female parent's advanced age would be an issue in marketing, Stroud offered: "Not at all, she's a lovely woman and aren't 'cougars' in style nowadays? Ha ha." Your dad had no comment regarding that concern. 

With the magnetic kitty calendar on the fridge filling up quickly, your matriarch has been cutting carbs and doing P90X in preparation for August's cover shoot. She's also had to cancel plans for a yard sale the third weekend because she may be filling in for The Grascals on one night of Hank Jr.'s Rowdy Friends Tour. 

You'd know all this if you'd call home more often. And how's that new girlfriend working out? 

May 10, 2019

Martina McBride Suspected in Several Area Holdups

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, December 15, 2010 
Superstar country singer Martina McBride is the unlikely suspect in several recent Nashville armed robberies. 

On Thursday, a Brentwood Texaco cashier reported that shortly after 9 PM, a very short-in-stature woman dressed in a black overcoat and a collectible miniature Predators hockey mask demanded all the cash from the register and 8 cans of watermelon Four Loko. The victim said he laughed until the assailant produced a semiautomatic pistol while screaming "Don't doubt me, Hassan, I know how to shoot this b*tch!" She left the Texaco with an undisclosed amount of money, the Four Loko beverages and several sticks of beef jerky. 

Saturday morning, a BP station in the same general vicinity was robbed at gunpoint by a similarly described female. On this occasion, the woman lit a rack of Country Weekly magazines on fire before leaving the premises with cash, an Ed Hardy lighter and a handful of Black & Mild cigarillos. "She was yelling about Carrie Underwood when she burned those magazines; it was surreal," recounted BP attendant Cliff Carlston. "She was cussing like a sailor, but that voice... her voice was so familiar... and uplifting." 

A string of robberies across the area has been attributed to the same suspect, with the top of her head caught on surveillance tapes at local convenience stores, banks and check cashing services. A black Lincoln SUV with step-sides has been mentioned as the getaway car in several instances. Investigators point to this fact along with a tip from a distraught child at the McBride residence as evidence of the singer's involvement in these crimes. 

McBride's lawyers had no comment and Martina herself was in conference with her legal team at press time. The Davidson County Sheriff's Department said they were looking to obtain some juvenile-size cuffs before taking McBride into custody on suspicion of robbery, arson and assault. 

May 3, 2019

Alan Jackson Previews New Clarence Carter Covers Album

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, May 08, 2009 
Fresh off the platinum success of his largely self-written Good Time album, Alan Jackson took a night off his spring tour to preview some new tracks from his forthcoming album of Clarence Carter covers for a select group of internet media. 

"Well, I've always been partial to, you know, those ol' gritty sounding rhythm and blues songs and they don't get any grittier than Clarence," Jackson laughed genially as he started off the evening. 

I settled into my chair as Jackson began his opening selection - and incidentally also the upcoming album's lead single - the bawdy "Sixty Minute Man," which includes the line "fifteen minutes of something you've been missing." Sounding as confident as ever, Jackson put a little pelvic thrusting into the hook lines, drawing gasps and a little stifled laughter from the audience. 

Next, Jackson brought Alison Krauss, producer of the album (and his previous dip into R&B, Like Red on a Rose), onstage with him to do backing vocals on the randy "Take It Off Him, Put It On Me." They grinned like drunken college kids as they pulled off the number with peculiar aplomb. 

Alison exited as Alan continued his set with the classic "Patches" before returning to Carter's seedy side with "Back Door Santa," donning a Santa hat and doing an awkward "butt spank" dance move during the performance. After some muddled applause and whispering, someone in the crowd hollered out "Do Strokin'!" and the long tall Georgian complied. 

"I'd like to bring up a very special guest for my last song tonight," smiled Alan as he helped the elder soulman Carter onto the small stage. The two traded libidinous lyrics with huge smiles on their faces to the crowd's mix of embarrassment and excitement. The bizarreness of hearing Jackson sing "that's what I been doin'" while shaking his skinny hips cannot be adequately conveyed with any words in my vocabulary. 

Concerns over whether this was the long and dirty version of "Strokin'" were put to rest when Jackson changed the lyrics "you can stick it up my ***" to "you can take care of yourself." "We gotta keep things PG-13," he said with his famous aw-shucks drawl as the song faded. The crowd dispersed quickly after a short, confused semi-ovation. 



Apr 22, 2019

Fake News Classic: Justin Moore Concert Cut “Short”

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, September 22, 2009 
At last month's Sturgis Bike Rally in Sturgis, SD, abridged-stature country singer Justin Moore was forced to leave the stage mid-concert due to the unruly crowd. Moore, who just celebrated his first #1 song with "Small Town USA," was unable to perform over the wave of raucous laughter which began halfway through his song "I Could Kick Your Ass," so he unceremoniously exited with several minutes left in his set. 

"I couldn't help it," snickered North Carolina motorcycle enthusiast Clyde 'Bonegrinder' McGee. "I mean, the song was okay, but really? Really? That joker couldn't be more than 4 foot 9. He couldn't kick my lady friend's ass." "I've taken dumps bigger than him," laughed Murder City Riders Motor Club president Remus Barksdale, "and I thought country music was supposed to be about authenticity." 

The show got off to a promising start in the first half, with the crowd even singing along by the end of "Back That Thang Up" and waving flags patriotically through "Good Ol' American Way." However, things went south by the second chorus of "I Could Kick Your Ass." 

"I wasn't sure I'd heard him right the first time, but when he sang it again... 'I could kick your ass, I could jack your jaw'... I 'bout wet myself," said Linda Morrow of Chicago from atop her gleaming Harley Fat Boy. "He's a cute little thang, but jeez, you're standing on a phone book to reach the mic, dude." 

Laughter began from near the tattoo stand and spread like wildfire, drowning out the band and the elfin singer in a matter of seconds. Moore valiantly attempted to finish the song, but ultimately could not hear himself well enough to continue. Despite the chaos and scattered reports of sides injured from too much laughter, no one was arrested at the concert. 

Moore declined comment, but his management says there are no plans to make up the date in the short term. 


Apr 5, 2019

Dirt Road Actually Pretty Boring

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, October 06, 2011 
Jason Aldean fans Shelley Young and Lyndi Berks recently traveled into rural Mississippi to experience the fun and charming world of Aldean's smash hit "Dirt Road Anthem." What they sampled instead was a level of sheer dullness they had not come to know in their entire previous 17 years on the planet. 

Clad in matching "My Kinda Party" tour shirts, boots and cut-off jeans, the pair borrowed Berks' dad's old Dodge Ram and headed for less-developed paths. 

"It was so boring I wanted to shoot myself in the face," exaggerated Madison Central High School senior Young. "That song made dirt roads sound like so much fun, but it's just like bugs and dirt and stuff! I mean, you can tell Jason totally knows what he's talking about when he wrote that song and maybe dirt roads are just more fun in Georgia, but I'd rather listen to a Merle Haggard song than get off the blacktop ever again!" 

The girls started off on an unnamed county road in neighboring Holmes County, by swerving "like George Jones" and smoking Kool cigarettes. "But dust was rolling IN the window... and the smoke was just making us cough," related Berks. "And I could only get 1G on my Galaxy S!" 

Next, they searched for a party in a pasture to attend, but found only cows, horses and a couple of discarded washing machines. "We stopped at a trailer to ask a guy if there was a party anywhere and he said the party was 'right here' and pointed to his pleather couch... I think he was on meth," said Shelley. 

The trip ended with a failed attempt at purchasing an Old Milwaukee tallboy to place "in the console." "That old woman said we looked like we were twelve. Dumb b*tch, like she was gonna make any other money that day. Does anybody even live that far away from a Hollister?" complained Berks. 

In summation, dirt roads "suck," "blow" and caused the girls to "SMH" and say "FML" multiple times. "But we still love Jason! He's so hot!" they cooed in perfect harmony. 


Mar 29, 2019

Willie Nelson to Record Duets Album With You

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, February 13, 2009 

Willie Nelson has announced that his next studio album will be a collection of duets with you. He plans to show up at your house around 6ish this evening to begin work on the project. Singing lessons will be unnecessary as Nelson believes you have an "earthy everyman/woman vibe" that will translate well to his 376th official release. 

The songs will include several traditional standards such as "Wayfaring Stranger," a couple tracks by top Nashville songwriters, and a few as-yet-nonexistent cowrites with you. When asked what the album might sound like, Nelson mentioned "an organic and freewheeling set of unpolished but exciting country songs." 

You will go on a short full-band tour with the country legend, including stop-offs in Austin and L.A., as well as an acoustic radio tour for release week. There will also be a taped GAC special called "Willie and (your nickname)." 

You will join a celebrated throng of artists who have shared recorded media with the well-loved Texan troubadour, including Merle Haggard, Snoop Dogg, Johnny Cash, Julio Iglesias, Ray Charles, Lucinda Williams, that guy from Matchbox 20, Sheryl Crow, Wynton Marsalis, Toby Keith, Ray Price, Waylon Jennings, George Jones, Dave Matthews, your aunt Ruthie, Ryan Adams, Neil Young, Emmylou Harris, his second bus driver, Mel Tillis, Lacy J. Dalton, Carlos Santana, Asleep at the Wheel, Leon Russell, Dyan Cannon, Elvis, Kenny Chesney, Lee Ann Womack, Kris Kristofferson, Pat Green, B.B. King, Patsy Cline, Kid Rock, Brian McKnight, Bonnie Raitt, ZZ Top, Eric Clapton, his supplier, Norah Jones, Paul Simon, Shania Twain, Wyclef Jean, Diana Krall, Lyle Lovett, Shelby Lynne, some drunk guy he met at a party, John Mellencamp, Steven Tyler and a few hundred others. 

After a quick final "session" on his bus, you will resume your normal life, while Willie will return to the studio to begin work on his follow-up album, a collaboration with T-Pain titled Willie n' Pain due out later this year.


Mar 22, 2019

Song About Country Pride to Be Released

Singer on vacation in the uh... country?
by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, September 04, 2009 

Next Monday, country music fans will witness the historic release of a game-changing new single. The song, performed by an up-and-coming B-list male singer with a fondness for wearing white t-shirts, is rumored to employ the rarely used "listing" technique to promote the little-known personal preferences of non city-dwellers. 

A bevy of Nashville's most successful songwriters brought their staggering creative genius together to create this masterpiece during a recent writing session. 

"We just looked at each other and knew we had done something special," smiled a clearly satisfied Craig Wiseman, one of the song's cowriters. "You remember how Nirvana changed rock in the '90s? Well, this song is going to redirect the course of country music history... it's that innovative. I mean, hell, it's got collard greens in it!" 

"Did you know that country people sometimes have what's called a 'farmer's tan?'" laughed pioneering cowriter Bob DiPiero. "We're breaking new ground here!" 

Other novel revelations in the tune include the love of "good ol' boys" for "gals in cut off jeans," the shocking contrast of Saturday night's sinfulness to Sunday morning's repentance, the prevalence of southerners' charming loyalty to "mama" and their addictions to fried foods and low-cost alcoholic beverages. Further bullet-point lyrics introduce America, for the very first time, to "Skoal rings," "Hank Jr.," "gravel" and "hard work." 

The new direction and new concepts will surely take some time for country music fans to digest, but this writer expects the song to be huge, possibly even finally giving the rural population something to be prideful about. The ways of their quaint but culturally significant world, heretofore utterly unexplored, will soon be public knowledge to the unwitting listening public, and country music will never be the same again. 

As non-urban people apparently profess frequently: "Yeehaw!" 

Mar 8, 2019

Some Guy You've Never Heard of Makes Opry Debut

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, March 01, 2012 

Some country singer you have never heard of, much less heard any music from, makes his Opry debut Friday night. 

Hailing from a fond-memory-inducing podunk on the Kentucky horizon, the random male country performer reportedly grew up listening to the Opry on the radio. He also visited the Opry several times, and idolized quite a few artists who graced that stage. He also wears a cowboy hat and customized leather belts. 

Whoever this guy is released his debut single in late December and has seen it rise steadily into the lower 30s on the charts. Tall, blue-eyed, and handsome, the unidentified singer is said to possess a vocal style reminiscent of that one guy with the tight jeans. 

Nondescript vocalist guy is currently in the studio with an in-demand hit producer and the engineer of several forgettably popular recent releases. The tepid - but commercially viable - debut album, with a cover photo of the dude standing in front of a weathered brick wall, is expected to be released in early summer. 

This person's Opry debut will be on a bill with Mel Tillis and Montgomery Gentry as well as a high school glee club and a token bluegrass band. 

At press time, a rumor was swirling that there may be a major announcement or invitation of some sort for this featureless, though quite fetching, country music singer when he takes the stage. 



Feb 25, 2019

Cowboy Troy Wins PBR Air Force Invitational

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Friday, May 22, 2009 

Big & Rich compadre, country rapper and former Nashville Star co-host Cowboy Troy added another bullet point to his impressive resume Sunday, winning the PBR's "Air Force Invitational" Built Ford Tough Series event in Worcester, Mass. 

Troy, last name Coleman on his birth certificate, topped two-time Professional Bull Riders World Champion Chris Shivers and Brazilian superstar Guilherme Marchi's averages by more than 3 points to take his first prize in the esteemed event. 

"Booyah!" exclaimed Troy as he gently dismounted from his final 90+ point ride, Little Yellow Jacket, all but certain of his victory. Although the genial rapper's bullriding prowess was a well-kept secret up until his participation in the event, the final posted results came as no surprise to anyone who bore witness to his complete dominance of PBR favorites Pinball Wizard, Sling Blade and Pandora's Box. When asked if he was surprised by his win, Coleman smiled: "A little, I reckon, but shucks man, I've been riding and roping since I was a little buckaroo." 

Although Troy is an anomaly for the PBR circuit at well over six feet tall, he is surprisingly agile atop the monstrous animals, ducking smoothly with the bulls' bucks and keeping a low center of gravity. "He beats all I've seen" said North Carolina's JB Mauney. "Damnation he's good; ain't he had enough success in the music world? I play chicken with the trayeeeyain." 

Troy took home a brand new black 2010 Ford F-250 along with a $326,000 purse for his efforts. "Yeeeehaw! Oh you didn't know?" he yelled to the crowd before making his victory circle (pictured). "I got the skills that instill thrills like hydraulics on a Cadillac convertabill... gitchoosome!!!!" 

Troy, who parted ways with Warner Bros. Nashville in 2008, will reportedly use some of his winnings to finance a new indie "hick hop" album tentatively titled Say It Loud, I'm Country and I'm Proud for late 2009 release.

Feb 6, 2019

Johnny Cash Estate Approves Licensing of New Ass Cream

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, February 28, 2009 

John Carter Cash, the son of the late Johnny, said Thursday that the estate had agreed to allow the country legend's likeness and creative property to be used in the branding and marketing of a new ass cream from Blairex Laboratories, the makers of Boudreaux's Butt Paste. While that topical ointment is for use on the asses of infants and children, the new product will be marketed more for adults with ass discomfort and anal itching. 

"Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire Ass Cream" will begin production in June with expected shipment to Fred's Dollar Stores across America by the ass-itchingly hot month of August. "This is an exciting new application for the Johnny Cash name and we feel that it will reach an area that hasn't been reached before" smiled John Carter. 

The television advertising campaign will include actual footage of Johnny and June performing "Ring of Fire" in a humorous spot where Johnny leaves the stage suddenly to use the product because his ass hurts. Computer animation will manipulate Johnny's mouth to say "Woo-wee! That's good ass cream!" 

Some country music historians and Cash fans have criticized the move harshly, calling it gross commercialism and flagrant mismanagement of Cash's image and legacy. For his part, John Carter sees it as a strategic move to expand his late father's influence: "Not everybody's into country music, but everybody's ass gets itchy or painful, so this will allow people in all walks of life to experience the Man in Black."

News of "Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire Ass Cream" follows last month's release of an album of hip-hop remixes of Cash songs, which was also said by many to be an "ass" product. 

Jan 23, 2019

Local Man Arrested for Merchandise Tampering at Area Walmart

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, August 04, 2011 

Local country fan Reginald Spears was arrested over the weekend for merchandise tampering at the new Super Walmart out on the bypass. The details of his infractions are unique, to say the least. 

Third-shift electronics cashier Lena Johnston first noticed Spears rifling through the country CD section and filling a grocery cart with at least 100 discs before leaving the department. She thought he was just a rabid music fan until he returned 15 minutes later with the same cart and began slipping CDs back onto the shelves while looking around suspiciously. 

Johnston walked over to Spears and asked if he'd decided not to make the massive music purchase. Spears responded "Yeah, yeah uh, yes ma'am" and began sweating profusely. He became spooked shortly afterwards and haphazardly threw the remainder of his CDs on the shelf before walking away. Johnston investigated the country section and noticed that it was full of unwrapped, well-worn CDs that Spears had apparently brought from his home. Spears was apprehended by security, mostly without incident, before leaving the store. 

"I looked on the shelf and where Rascal Flatts was supposed to be, that scruffy looking man had put Flatt & Smugs or something like that... and where Taylor Swift had been, he'd replaced it with Tanya Tucker. I guess he'd stole all them new CDs and tried to replace 'em with his old junk," said a perplexed Johnston. 

Fresh out on bail, Mr. Spears had a far different story. "I didn't shoplift nothin'. I told the cops they could find all that country pop bullsh*t in the Rubbermaid garbage cans in home wares... where that crap belongs," said Spears. "I was just trying to give the people around here some damn culture, so I brought my whole collection up here to give away for free. Of course, I've got it all ripped on my laptop. My alphabetizing skills might be lacking, but I ain't stupid." 

"Can you believe they didn't have a Jerry Reed CD in the whole god***n store?" he continued. "Well, for 15 shining minutes last Friday night, they did." 

The shoplifting charges against Spears were dropped but he still faces misdemeanor charges of mischief and merchandise tampering. For his part, Reginald is considering legal action against the store. 

Spears explained: "They threw all my CDs in the dumpster and broke 'em, them motherf***ers! I'm suing their asses for destruction of property and mental anguish. I was just trying to help this town out... I'm a by-God patriot!" 

Walmart officials had no comment on the situation. 


Jan 8, 2019

Carrie Underwood Bites Head Off Live Broccoli On Stage

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, January 15, 2009 

Former American Idol winner and country superstar Carrie Underwood upset plant rights activists Wednesday night with a shocking act at her Memphis concert. During her encore, in the midst of the blazing "Sweet Child o' Mine" guitar solo, Underwood, wearing over-the-knee leather boots and a tight black dress, walked to the middle of the stage with a Ziploc enclosure of fresh veggies in her hand. 

The crowd gasped as Underwood reached into the baggie and selected a crisp piece of broccoli, still dripping with morning dew. As the solo reached its zenith, Underwood neatly snipped the head off the helpless garden dweller with a quick click of her pearly whites, smiling coldly all the while. As juices and bits of green flesh dripped down her chin, Underwood casually ripped off the "where do we go now?" refrain with terrifying ease over audible gasps from concert goers. Portions of the FedEx Forum audience seemed appalled at the carnage, while others cheered her on. 

Underwood finished her set with an attitude-filled take on her massive hit "Before He Cheats" before swiftly leaving the stage, her visible discomposure reflecting a dawning awareness of the wicked deed she had just committed. PEVA (People for Ethical Vegetable Accommodation) spokeswoman Greta Peels said her organization was pushing Memphis-area law enforcement for a full investigation into the matter. 


Dec 6, 2018

"The Christmas Shoes" Sends Local Man Over the Edge

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, December 15, 2011 
Local country music fan Reginald Spears was arrested Tuesday for trespassing and destruction of property at WTSM Catfish 104.9 FM. Oddly enough, it was popular holiday song "The Christmas Shoes" that set him off. 

Spears had apparently called the station several times in recent weeks profanely complaining about the seasonal hit being played so frequently. "I appreciate feedback from our listeners," said station manager Bart McGee, "but a lot of people like to hear that song this time of year. It's a sweet, and in no way contrived or overwrought, story." 

Currently still in the Hazzard County Jail, Spears is facing potential stiff fines and further charges pending an FCC investigation of the incident that knocked WTSM off the air for approximately 28 hours Monday and Tuesday. 

Around noon on Monday, Spears allegedly climbed the fence behind the radio station and used industrial-grade bolt cutters to cut all wires and cables connecting the transmitter tower to the station. Miraculously unhurt despite the barbed wire and high voltage, Spears was only caught after posting a photo of himself urinating on the tower on Facebook. 

"I told that little weasely sumbitch DJ that if he played that 'Christmas Shoes' crap again, he was going to regret it," said the local man by phone interview yesterday. 

Describing the circumstances that caused him to snap, Spears continued: "My internet had been down since I hit the phone line digging a pool in the front yard two weeks ago, so I was forcing myself to listen to regular radio. I usually just turned it down when they played Rascal Fatts or Fartly Gilbert, but it seemed like every other song was that damn weepy-ass feel-good piece of crap. Man, I love Jesus and everything, but f*** me runnin', I want to commit Harry Caray [editorial note: we're sure this is how he would have spelled it] when I hear about mama meeting Him tonight." 

Over at WTSM, McGee tells us the Clear Channel affiliated radio station may sue Spears to recoup repair charges and loss of advertising revenue: "I can't understand how a lovely religious holiday song could make a man cause such damage - some folks just aren't wired right, I guess." 

NewSong had no comment at press time. 



Nov 27, 2018

Americana Band's Van and Gear Not Stolen

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Tuesday, June 17, 2014 
A popular roots rock band is not starting a Kickstarter page to defray the costs of a white 1998 Ford E-350 van and Pro-Line trailer with the band's logo on the side and $1700 in musical gear, which were quite shockingly not stolen after a recent Houston area gig. 

The Whiskey Hawks, of High Point, North Carolina, had just finished up their supporting set for Jason Boland at Dosey Doe in The Woodlands and ducked out a bit early. "We'd seen Jason and the guys a few times before and hung out some, and we were hungry, so we left around 9:30 for Waffle House," said drummer Gus Pounds. "And that's when it happened." 

Members of the four-piece Americana/punk/folk outfit were shocked by what they discovered. "I thought maybe the scattered-and-covered I'd had was messing with my head," explained lead singer Aaron Lavox, "but our van and trailer were still right there where we parked them." 

Police were not called to the scene of the un-stolen touring vehicle and 'drunken hawk' emblazoned instrument carrier, and aside from a small hole in a denim vest caused by an unextinguished American Spirit cigarette, no damage was reported. 

"I'm happy, you know, but I'm just thinking the whole time... is our stuff not good enough for you?" bassist James Squier wondered as he groomed his immaculate beard. "Even the cajon was still there ...what, nobody wanted that for an end table?" 

At press time, the Whiskey Hawks were contemplating a PledgeMusic campaign to fund an upcoming six-song covers EP of obscure Bellamy Brothers songs. 


Nov 9, 2018

Hank 3's New Monday Night Football Theme Deemed Inappropriate

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Tuesday, January 19, 2010 

ESPN and NFL officials are beginning to regret asking Hank Williams III to pen and perform a new theme song for the stalwart Monday Night Football franchise. After deeming his first attempt "vulgar," "loud," "inappropriate" and "out of tune," MNF producers have asked Williams for a rewrite. 

"For the 2010-11 season, we wanted to reach a younger audience with a more rocking and contemporary theme song. Who better than the son of Bocephus, whose song 'Are You Ready for Some Football?' we've used for years?" asked MNF's Jay Rothman. "The song Shelton turned in certainly brought the rock and, for the most part, a more current sound, but was not at all right for our product." 

The first demo of Hank's "Monday Night M***********g Football" includes 21 profanities, 3 drug references, one line taken verbatim from the Satanic bible, and some disturbingly violent imagery. It starts out as a straight country song, reminiscent of something Williams' legendary grandfather might have done, before plowing headlong into a rambling punk/thrash metal amalgam complete with Cookie Monster vocals. 

"We did some editing on the track to see if there was anything usable," said Rothman, "and we did glean 20 seconds without cursing, but it was a verse about drinking whiskey and shooting the television with an ol' shotgun if your team loses. We just can't put that message out there." 

Hank has promised to tame it down, but is unrepentant about the first cut. "I just wanted to kick their ass man," said III. "Sh*t, the people want their teeth knocked down their throats with some hellbilly music before they watch their team beat the g*****n m***********g sh*t out of those other b*tches!" 

If Williams is unable to rewrite the song to the producers' satisfaction, the backup plan is to move forward with a Timbaland remix of Hank II's well-known theme, featuring T-Pain. 

Nov 2, 2018

Dwight Yoakam Speaks Out on Chafing

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Friday, May 21, 2010 

Dwight Yoakam has taken on the yoke, so to speak, of bringing a seldom considered - but quite serious health matter to the forefront of the American consciousness. The twangy country singer/actor has signed on with NADDS (National Abrasion Detection & Deletion Society) to appear in their television and radio spots promoting the awareness of severe groin chafing. 

"This was a perfect fit for me, no pun intended," laughed Yoakam, who has been known to wear his boot cut jeans a bit on the tight side. "So I thought, hell, why not?" 

Lou Brickant, founder and head spokesperson for NADDS, told us: "Like ball and glove, this will be a close relationship; we'll be sponsoring D-Y's next tour and handing out pamphlets and comfort packets at each show. Lap wellness is a severely overlooked personal health issue in this nation and we intend to bring awareness to the fans' genital areas." 

Yoakam says he has taken steps in his life and career to prevent chafing which he thinks would benefit all his fans as well. "I've traded the painted-on jeans for merely wallpapered-on jeans and I've started liberally applying Blue Star ointments and powders to prevent rash and chafing. I've learned to pamper my package." 

Dwight has even written the hygiene issue into the first single from his forthcoming album. "It's called 'Blue Star Baby' and it's about a woman who hangs on waaay too tight," said Yoakam, fidgeting in his seat out of habit. 

The singer's 52-date "Saving the American Crotch" tour begins Friday, June 11 in Crested Butte, CO and continues through summer before wrapping up in Dicktown, NJ in September. 


Oct 26, 2018

Spiteful Aldean Vows to Never Release Another Good Single

Fake News Classics
by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California, Thursday, August 06, 2015 

Breaking the one-decent-single-per-album trend that has characterized his career thus far, country superstar Jason Aldean vowed on Thursday to never release a good song to radio again. 

"I'm sick and tired of these bloggers and old people and jealous haters deriving pleasure from any of my songs," Aldean told Country California. "If they're going to talk trash about all my other terrible - but focus group tested for maximum chart impact - singles, why should I give them a 'Flyover States' or anything else they might actually kinda enjoy?" 

Aldean, the singer of "Amarillo Sky," has seemingly grown more jaded and irritable in recent years, likely due to critical 'bro-country' backlash and social media commentary about his romantic affairs. 

"I don't owe anybody a damn thing, especially people who don't like the two to three predictably moronic party anthems I generally release to country radio in each album cycle - it's all or nothing, you jackasses," said a frowning Aldean after announcing the godawful "Gonna Know We Were Here" as his newest single. 

Many of Aldean's so-called haters expected the final single from Old Boots, New Dirt to be the ear-pleasing "Two Night Town," as it has been Aldean's pattern to balance two or three sh*ttacular songs per album with at least one single that suggests he actually would have the talent to not be such a commerce-driven cliché of an artist if he were so inclined. 

"Nobody will ever hear a 'The Truth' or a 'Night Train' from me again unless they dig into the deep album cuts," promised Aldean. "I'm not in the business of putting out intelligent or emotionally authentic songs that a Sturgill Simpson fan might find himself enjoying, despite misgivings." 


"Screw those guys." 


Oct 19, 2018

One-of-a-Kind New Country Singer Carves His Own Niche

by Trailer - Originally posted on Country California Wednesday, January 14, 2015 

Already named to The Boot's prestigious "Ones to Watch 2015" list, Brant Smith is poised for a breakthrough year and he wants you to know he's doing it his way. Our correspondent sat down with Bryant to find out what makes him stand out among this year's crop of stubble-chinned warblers. 

"Most debut artists don't get as much control over their music as Prestige Nashville has given me, but they saw something edgy and different in me and just handed over the reins," said Scott, molding a stray tuft of gelled hair back into the towering blond coiffure atop his head. Chris went on to explain how his first album will be a true portrait of his life and his completely distinctive upbringing. 

"Man, I grew up on a dirt road where there wasn't much to do, so me and my friends just kicked it the best way we knew how," explained Dylan. "I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes we'd just grab a few cold ones and some pretty girls and find a field to chill in. That's the kind of out-there stuff I want to bring to my music!" 

Chad's wildly idiosyncratic influences range anywhere from "good ol' country like Kenny and Trace" to Godsmack to Calvin Harris to Waka Flocka Flame. "Nobody out there's going to admit listening to all the crazy stuff I do, much less incorporate it into their country music," laughed Mark, pushing up the sleeves of his form-fitting grey henley. 

Steven, quite surprisingly a former high school quarterback, went on to say that he'd taken the unheard of step of co-writing the entire album with some of Nashville's lesser-known songwriters like Ashley Gorley, Josh Kear, and Kyle Jacobs. Jon expects to release an EP in early spring as he heads out in support of fellow maverick Chase Rice, with a full album to follow in the fall. 

Based on his nonconformist attitude and unusual backstory, we expect Lee to forge his own path outside the box on Music Row and become a force to reckon with on country radio. Listen to The Bobby Bones Show this Friday as Randy debuts his new single "Girl Let's Have a Good Time Tonight." 


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