Showing posts with label Big Machine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Big Machine. Show all posts

Jan 18, 2018

BMLG Signs "I'll Slap a Ho" Singer Tucker Mitchelson

Scott Borchetta Wednesday announced the signing of Missouri singer Tucker Mitchelson to BMLG's subsidiary imprint Valory Music, Inc. The Chesterfield native, known for his underground hit "I'll Slap a Ho," is expected to begin work on a new country album in March. 

Mitchelson, whose repertoire also includes the songs "Sluts in My Truck," "Spread 'Em," and "T&A," is a 6'4", 230 lb specimen of a former junior college quarterback with a five o'clock shadow and a knack for writing what his fans want to hear. His musical style is best described as: listen to country radio for 30 minutes and mix that all together, then add lots of tales of questionable sexual misadventures. 

Borchetta is excited to introduce his newest signing, the writer of regional favorite "Bring Your Friend Too." "Tucker brings a certain frankness which is sorely missing in music these days," beamed Borchetta. "His approach will certainly ruffle some feathers, but rest assured that he has great respect for women." 

"I has great respect for women," said Mitchelson, echoing his boss' sentiments. "My approach will certainly rustle some feathers, but I think we need some people keeping it 100 in this day and age." "My songs are funny, so nobody should be offended - it's just sapphire [sic] - I love chicks, so why would I write songs that make them not want to hang out with me?"

He went on to explain that "'I'll Slap a Ho' is sung from the point of view of a "sexualist" dude who doesn't respect women like I do." Mitchelson told us he plans to defray any backlash against his 'satirical' lyrics by donating a portion of his signing bonus to "sexual harassment." 

"Sure, these songs are ballsy, if not stupid, to release in the current environment, but hey, rap is worse…" argued Borchetta. "And you should see all the little girls singing along to 'Sixteen's Just a Number.'"

At press time, Tucker Mitchelson's first official single "It Won't Bite" was going for adds at country radio.


Jul 14, 2017

Gif of Hot White Guy Holding a Puppy is the #1 Country Song

Ryan Michael Chadson performs "hot dude holding a puppy"
(©2017 Chadson/Renaldo/Gorley)
A gif entitled "hot dude holding puppy" has made country music history this week, becoming the first animated image file to claim the top spot on Billboard's Hot Country Song chart. Thanks to Billboard's new format-inclusive formula for calculating the popularity of country songs, the future is now ...and it's pretty damn hot!

Ryan Michael Chadson is the muscled hunk behind the "song," and he's as shocked as anyone at its success. "This isn't a country song." he told us, scratching his head, mussing his luxuriously gelled back locks of hair. "Like, how is it played on the radio? I'm so confused."

Popular syndicated country morning DJ Bobby Bones smugly told us "It's like I've said, country music is whatever country fans want it to be." "There's so much evolution in country music right now." he continued, "I'm humbled and excited to be just a small part of it by posting the gif on all of our social media accounts and discussing it constantly on my popular syndicated radio show! But I don't want any credit at all."

Chadson's girlfriend, Lucy Renaldo, also gets her first number one country song, her shadow visible for a millionth of a second in one frame of the hit gif. She is the only female artist in the top 100.

"It just goes to show that we need an itty-bitty, tiny, microscopic even, fleck of tomato mixed in with the lettuce to call it a salad," laughed radio consultant Keith Hill. "Now, if she'd have been holding the puppy, the song would've been dead on arrival, but that's just the way it is and nobody can do anything about it."

Those with a keen eye might recognize the name of a cowriter on the smash hit "hot dude holding puppy." That's right, it's Ashley Gorley, who converted the gif to black and white in Photoshop! This marks the 28,034th number one song for the Kentucky native.

Ryan Michael Chadson, despite his bemusement at the situation, is currently entertaining offers from Big Machine and Mercury. "Well, it beats software engineering, I guess" said Chadson as he perused a glowing email from Scott Borchetta.

Many in the online music critic circles are deriding the historic occurrence, including the typically curmudgeonly Farce the Music and Saving Country Music. Fans, however, see things much differently. "I love it!" said Chadson fan Kimberly Sparks, "Critics are just jealous haters. Who are they to define what a 'song' is?"

At press time, a Snapchat story of a hot bearded guy with a fidget spinner spinning on his abs was going for adds at country radio next Tuesday.

Jul 13, 2017

Alex Williams Performs "Ft. Worth Blues"

This guy's on Big Machine, but I won't hold it against him if he puts out songs like this and covers songs like this:


Mar 1, 2017

Divided Country Finds Common Ground in Hatred of Florida-Georgia Line

Divided Country Finds Common Ground in Hatred of Florida-Georgia Line

Despite growing differences of opinion on nearly every possible law, rule, belief, tradition, and moral, American citizens Tuesday proclaimed their mutual and unquestioned hatred of nu-country duo Florida-Georgia Line. Neither Donald Trump, nor border walls, nor gun control could divide a proud and patriotic populace as they uniformly decried Brian Kelley and Tyler Hubbard's insipid music.

Protests, hashtags, and boycotts marked the citizenry's disdain for the performers of such songs as "Sun Daze" and "This Is How We Roll" as social media and commerce ground to a crawl.

"We should deport them," shouted indignant, self-described liberal Leo Martz of Brooklyn. "I don't like the looks of that one guy who sings." Leo, who is fully supportive of globalization, open borders, and socialism, said he'd vote for any candidate in future elections who runs on a campaign of ridding the country of "those two miscreants."

Cathy James, a staunch Republican with "deplorable" in her Twitter handle, tweeted "Florida-Georgia Line is a worse plague on this country than illegal immigration. I'd join Black Lives Matter before I'd go to one of their concerts."

Nashville was the site of one large march which targeted Big Machine Records, the group's record label. Some of the signs in the angry multicultural crowd of over 150,000 read "My Body, My EARS!" "Cruise Your Ass Out of America" and "F*&% FGL!" Local authorities reported the arrests of three men who pulled a Florida-Georgia Line fan from his jacked up pickup truck and forced him to listen to Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash.

Father Luther Coleman of Nashville smiled broadly as he crushed a Dig Your Roots CD underfoot. "It's amazing to see people of all races, political parties, sexual orientations, and heights come together as one. Regardless of your faith or lack thereof, it is a beautiful and spiritual thing that we can all agree that Florida-Georgia Line really sucks."

By late afternoon, most Americans had returned to arguing on Facebook about bathroom legislation and Star Wars, but for a few hours we were reminded of the promise and potential of this great nation. God Bless America.

Aug 11, 2016

WWE Country Reaction Gifs 14: Luke Bryan, Drew Kennedy, FGL, etc.

When you take your little brother along to 
the Whitey Morgan show but he won't behave

Isn't country radio just terrible these days?

Say hello to Big Machine's latest country signee

  Don't y'all think this candy-ass bit 
has gotten out of hand?

The correct answer to the question: Would you rather go to a Luke Bryan concert or be speared through a flaming table?

Drew Kennedy: Not just a great songwriter...

 Oh, you're a country fan? 
You must love Florida-Georgia Line!

Completely reasonable when somebody 
besmirches Willie Nelson:

May 24, 2016

Hey Songwriters! Real Nashville Pitch Sheet!

Pitch sheets (tip sheets) tell songwriters which labels and artists are looking for songs to cut and what type of songs they are seeking. Here's the latest one making the rounds. You're welcome!*

 

*not real

Oct 17, 2013

YouTube Junk: Dallas Smith - Tippin' Point

Former rock singer (Canadian one-hit wonders, Default), signed with Big Machine, song written by FGL aimed straight for the country charts. What's not to hate?

If this song somehow becomes a hit, let's hope the title is prophetic...

Jun 10, 2013

Cassadee Pope: Honest Radio Promo Ad


(Someone on my Twitter timeline Tweeted the "Avril with a banjo" line during the CMT Awards. 
Thanks to them(!), even though I can't recall who it was at this moment.)

Feb 21, 2013

Little Known Facts: Feb. '13


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Re-entry to a Brantley Gilbert concert is only allowed if you've had your lower back stamped.

When traveling to Scotty McCreery's house you must travel over a bridge, 
but only after correctly answering Scotty's riddle.

Joe Diffie has spent all of his career earnings attempting to build a time machine 
to prevent himself from starting the truck song craze.

Your mom likes that one Luke Bryan song.

The band Fifth On The Floor was first discovered when Shooter Jennings 
climbed a bean stalk that led to the home of lead singer Justin Wells.

If golf celebrated mediocrity as much as country radio, Colt Ford would still be a golfer.

Everything on Justin Moore's tourbus is miniaturized for his ease of use.

eBay item #170992608018 is for the rights to roll Willie Nelson up and smoke him when he dies.

Jason Aldean DOES NOT have herpes. Word on the street however is that he has a few sores 
that pop up once a month on his genitalia but he DOES NOT have herpes.

Long brown hooded robes and torches are required work apparel at 
Big Machine Records except on Satanic Fridays.

1990's country star Ty Herndon now lives in a monastery in the Swiss Alps.


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*Most of this, including the shot of Justin Wells and Shooter Jennings, by Jeremy Harris.

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