Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews Kane Brown’s “Worship You”

I’m only a part-time talent here at Farce the Music now, and I wish I hadn’t returned for this particular song, but it does present a topic I haven’t covered before. Usually it’s just dudes with weird facial hair lusting after the women with their feet on their dash while drinking a cold beer on a dirt road, so at least this is a different sin for me to rail against.

Obviously the title spun me for a loop to begin with. I hoped this was the rare religious song that becomes a country hit. It was not to be, for this worldly song is about worshipping a lover. For shame, my brothers and sisters! 1st Corinthians 10:14 says to flee from idolatry! In other words, be ye not a “Stan” of any human beings… neither famous, nor your girlfriend who works at the nail salon and drives a Hyundai. Flee from this misleading musical creation! Mr. Brown has become a stumbling block for millions of easily influenced minors and their wine-sipping moms. 

Just behold these unseemly lyrics:

Don't get me wrong

I'm a God-fearing Christian man

But if you were a religion, then damn

I don't know what I'd do

Yeah, I might have to worship you

The Lord will forsake those who forsake Him, and it sounds as if Kane has chosen to worship boobies and hoo-hoo instead of our Father who art in Heaven. This is so dangerous, my children. Obsessing over a person can lead to mental issues, the Herpes, and rugrats out of wedlock. God isn’t being greedy about your attention - He knows what can happen to your peener. 

Romans 1:23 talks of those who have exchanged the glory of the almighty Lord for images resembling mortal man and birds and creeping things. Some creepy things too. Turn your cheek from this nonsense! 

On a human level, it’s gross to worship something that burps, drives badly (not saying all women do - just my wife), and makes me eat cauliflower pizza. I wouldn’t want anybody worshipping me either. And nobody would, I assure you. I have a minor speech impediment, I don’t put the toilet seat down, and I root for the New York Jets. Lord forgive me!

Also, it’s just pathetic. Some of Kane’s friends should make fun of him on their text group. My buddies back at seminary did when I was hung up on the girl I dated before my wife. They called me p-whipped (the p standing for “petting;” we were generally wholesome with our language, though this term may have displeased the Lord a bit). Anyway, their constant ‘trash talking’ broke me out of my spell. Bless their hearts!  (In the good way)

I don’t like the sound or the vocals of this song either, so it is unfortunate on every level. I pray for Mr. Brown’s soul, and I say to thee: listen not!

F

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews Zac Brown Band’s “God Given”

You don't want to listen to this, but you can if you click here.

It’s been a busy year for me with bake sales and car washes and mission trips, but Trailer has me back to review this? I’ve only been gone a year and country music has devolved even further than I thought possible. 

First of all, I played this song for some youth in my church and they all said it was “all the cringe.” They also said that it was a janky old dude trying to get invited to the cookout. While I don’t always understand the slang of the younger generations, I will say that they were spot on with their observations. So clearly, this is not a country song, yet it’s on the country chart on the iTunes. Therefore, the Zac Brown Band is ‘straight up lying yo,’ and even toddlers know lying will put you on the fast track to Satan’s cookout, where everyone is invited. 

Next of all, I quickly found out that this is a song about idolizing the sexuality of the female form. That is, I found it out after the part where Zachary was spouting on about his materialism. Already, we’ve got three sins catalogued in this ‘sus’ musical work. The Lord is ‘collecting receipts’ and the Zac Brown Band is surely indebted. 

Even I was cringing at the part about hips riding little dimples. Bless it. If he’s going to be lustful, why can’t he stick with the tried and true lady parts to get excited about? That seems like what they call fetishism, which is probably a sin too, but I’m not sure how those niche weirdisms work. God will sort that all out.

Obviously I don’t like the title and hook of this song. Using God’s name so closely in the song with the word “damn” is not quite taking the Lord’s name in vain, but it’s close enough to feel the waves of heat pulsing through the wrought iron gates of Hades. 

In summary, I wish Trailer’s email about this song was ‘left on read’ and I do not “Stan” this song. Side note: one of my congregation members is named Stan and he doesn’t seem to like anything, so that’s quite ironic, don’t ya think? Anyway, please avoid this song; it’s bad for your soul, and possibly worse for your ears and brain. Peace out.

F

Hell, Right?

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews Shooter Jennings "D.R.U.N.K."

Listen here, if you must.

I'm greatly displeased with Trailer's suggestion for my newest musical review. It seems he is possibly "trolling" me, as the kids say these days. I could pull a Carl Outlaw and not even listen to this song and the review would probably be the same, but unlike Mr. Outlaw, I have a set of ethics (and I know how to spell), and if Trailer wants me to listen to this surely sinful presentation, then I will follow through. Lord, protect my soul as I delve into this den of evil.

Surprisingly, this song, "D.R.U.N.K.," is actually about being drunk on the love of Jesus. Nah, I'm kidding. It's about being a sorry, lazy drunkard who is falling further away from the Lord's light. While this "outlaw" country is better on the ears than the vapid garbage that country radio plays, it is just as much a friend of the devil. 

I have discussed the evils of strong drink on many occasions, so I'm going to touch upon an even more despicable subject. Sloth. That right there is one of the Seven Deadly Sins, my friends! 

Mr. Shooter says he's not even going to put on pants or do anything of substance on this fine day. The visual there is already disgusting. Who wants to see this scruffy man wandering around his front porch in his tighty whiteys with a "Tall Boy" in one hand and a marywanner joint in the other? 

God has given us each day to put our hands and minds to work. To till the soil of the earth, to help others, to be a good steward of time. Mr. Jennings would rather cast this time into the void of Hell! For shame! 

Proverbs 20:4 says "The sluggard does not plow in the autumn; he will seek at harvest and have nothing." Receive the Word, Shooter Jennings! Don't come around my door begging for anything later on when you are broke and stumbling around in disgrace! 

And for them that listen upon this vile "artwork," Mr. Shooter is a stumbling block, causing them to think it's okay to plop their own pasty buttocks on the couch all day, drinking the High Life and watching The View. I shudder at the thought!

Flee from this sin! Run from the sluggard! Race away from the drunken bum! Keep your distance from a pot-head burnout! My son-in-law's best friend is one of these "Legalize It" losers and he can't even keep a job at the Dollar General because of his laziness (and the Yee Yee face tattoo ain't helping either).

In summary, this song is evil and bad and gets a big bold-type:

F!

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews Ashley Monroe's "Hands on You"

Listen to the song here. 

Oh my. 

I am in a quandary over this song. It seems, on the surface, to be about unabashed sexual humanism and lustfulness. I was brought up to believe that anything the flesh craves is naughty, but the narrator of this song is rushing headlong towards bodily pleasure! It is almost lewd and makes my chest feel funny.

I am not one to indulge in pleasurable things very often. My truck's air conditioner doesn't work. I can't put salt on my food. The strongest drink I partake of is Diet Rite. The pews at my church are harder than my wife's biscuits. So, I clearly am not the one to approach with questions of sensuality and enjoyment. 

However, I understand that God created loving copulation. He made it good (as best as I can recall). He made it enjoyable for a husband and wife so that they would bring more little Christians into the world. 

So, if "Hands on You" is about missing your spouse and playing little games with them, then I guess it is within the scope of what the Lord might intend for sexual relations between a man and wife. It makes me uncomfortable, but I see no reason to label it as sinful. 

If however, it is about unwed persons experiencing carnal lust and just sticking tallywhackers in hoo hoos willy-nilly, then it is certainly ungodly. I rebuke it!

Since Mrs. Monroe is indeed betrothed in holy matrimony, I am going to assume that this musical work is safe for (adult & married!) Christian consumption. I'm going to give it a grade of

B+

On a side note, my wife overheard me listening to this song. She now has it on her iPod and just hiked up her muumuu a little. I guess I better hit the medicine cabinet. Good evening, y'all.

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews Old Dominion's "Hotel Key"

It seems like I'm living a lie. I used to review country songs and pop-country songs for this here blog, but these days all Trailer has me listen to are pop and hippity hop and rocking roll songs that still have the gall to call themselves country. It's disheartening and I believe it to be sinful (the lie that they're country; not that I'm reviewing them). But anyway, here we go.

This is another song from Old Dominion, a sleazy looking bunch of boys who like to sing about stalking women and wearing stupid looking hats (according to their appearances, it is probably pulled from the sweat-soaked, smoky pages of their own lives; not that I would judge). Well, I guess that's one way to go about things. It's not a Godly or respectable way, but it's a way. 

"Hotel Key." From the very title, you are immediately aware that some untoward situations are probably about to be recounted. It's not like a song about my wife losing her hotel key at the Million Dollar Quartet show in Branson is good song material for popular radio, so it has to be about fornicating or whatnot.

Annnnnd it is. Oh, ye of the olde dominion, fornicators shall not inherit the Kingdom of God. Put your pecker away and save that thing for your betrothed wife. Sins of the flesh are sins against the body. Flee from doing the sideways shimmy! You'll have a solid 3-5 years of all that you want once you get married. 

Another evil spoken of here is the mary wanner. Don't think I don't know what they speak of here. I'm from the seventies! Your body is a temple! Do you want to bring something into the temple that makes you want to lay on the couch all day watching Life Below Zero and eating Doritos all day? Well, that's what my son-in-law does and he ain't worth a …. I mean, he is not living within the Word at this time.

There's also mention of drinking in this song and you can probably imagine how the Lord and I feel about that. We don't even have real wine at the Lord's Supper, so I sure don't approve of it in a Motel 6 with a floozie and a doobie.

In summary, this song is as wretched as most I've reviewed for Farce the Music and it is also pretty lame. I needed three hours of Gaithers on YouTube to scrub it from my ears. 

F

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews Luke Combs' "When It Rains It Pours"

You can listen to this vulgar song here if you choose.

The fact that this song is actually pretty catchy and nobody's lying to you about it being a country song, since it is a country song, should not fool you into thinking it's a worthy thing to listen to. There are so many sins in this song, it made my face turn redder than a deacon caught in a beer barn.

First off, him and his lady friend aren't married but they're shacking up. You already know my feelings on this subject. Why be a pirate when you already got the booty?

This couple wakes up fighting on Sunday morning, so you know they didn't make it to the church services, which they both clearly need. At Holcomb Primitive Baptist Church, we welcome all sinners, even fornicators and hippy-hop music fans.

In the next portion of the song, after his girlfriend has left his pathetic butt, he proceeds to partake of gambling. While it is up for debate if this is specifically a sin, it is certainly the mark of a person who does not make good use of the sense God gave him. Some of our biddies, I mean ladies of the church, go to the bingo on Thursday nights and it is a questionable pursuit to say the least. Versie May Hanks spent a quarter of her monthly check on the infernal cards and was spotted taking home 5 go plates from the dinner on the grounds the next Sunday. For shame!

This is just the beginning of the carnival of fleshly pleasures this Mr. Combs takes part in in this evil song. There is even more gambling, there is drinking alcohol, and there is visiting the Hooters. I will confess that ol' Larry Lee has been in a Hooters once in his life. I won't go into detail, but it led to some deep prayer over the following days. That place is a den of sin clad in skimpy short pants and greedily priced chicken wings. Beware, good Christian!

In summary, this song is one of the most deviant I've heard in some time. Luke Combs needs to get his ample backside onto a church pew for repentance so he can change his sleazy, skanky ways. It is abhorrent. 

I give this song an F.

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews Sam Hunt's New Single

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews
Sam Hunt's "Body Like a Back Road"

F

I placed my grade for this unholy song at the very beginning of my review so you will know to flee from even giving this immoral and degrading PRODUCT even 10 seconds of your God-given time.

Lies and perversion. Perversion and lies. The money changers in Nashville continue to sully the purity of country music with their greed. At this point, I have no doubt they'd make a star out of a satanic heavy metal rapping band with a handsome lead singer, if that's what the mindless masses of sheep wished to hear. Can I get an Amen?

If you think this is a country song, I have THREE WORDS FOR YA! Bless your heart. And I mean that in the "I feel sorry for you and I'll be praying for God to help you to overcome your mental challenges" way.

Words and ages old concepts seem to have no meaning anymore. Look, I could stand in front of my congregation and recite "There once was a man from Nantucket" poems and call it a sermon, but GLORY BE! That don't make it a sermon.

Proverbs 13:5 says "the righteous hate what is false, but the wicked make themselves a stench and bring shame on themselves."  Basically, Sam Hunt stinks. Who am I to question the authority of the Lord?

Now, onto the perversion portion of this review. Unless Mr. Samuel Hunt is married to the female object of his desire in this song, he is a pervert and a sinner and a possible sexual predator. As I am to understand it from the interwebs, he is not married, thus lending credence to my previous sentence.

Revelation 22:15 compares liars and the sexually immoral to dogs, to idolaters, to the occult. I'm not going to take that step to say Sam Hunt is a devil worshipper, but I will say that SATAN HIMSELF smiles and nods his crispy head every time a "country music listener" is converted into a Sam Hunt fan, or even a Sam Hunt apologist.

I shall say no more of this travesty. If you wish to associate your ears and your soul with the proudness of God's own enemy, you do so at the peril of your very soul.

Bless your heart.

Why Luke Bryan is a Bad Influence

An investigative visual report by Larry Lee Turnage

Today I want to present to you some visual evidence that this Luke Bryan fella is 

not all that he appears to be. He is presented as a wholesome, Gomer Pyle-of-country-music sort, 

but I am here to tell you and show you that he is a wolf in sheep's skin. 

His music is a gateway unto the very halls of Hades.

 ------------------------

 First of all, let's take a look at his song content. This tune entitled "Strip It Down" promotes promiscuity and vulgarity and probably ritualistic orgies. This is just dirty:

Next, we explore Luther's sinful habits. This man is well known to partake of alcoholic beverages

on stage during concerts, in full view of minors and Christians. Just look at this depravity.

 This drunkenness even extends into his daily life. It is shameful, dangerous, and vile.

The body is a temple, thus saith the Lord. If you think this man who has already defiled 

his body with fermented mind-altering substances would stop there, you are sorely mistaken. 

He has marked his body for eternity. Even the fires of Hell will not remove the stain.

 Remember those abhorrent sexual lyrics above? Well, Mr. Bryan goes beyond singing 

about coitus in his music; he performs symbolic perverse sexual positions on stage 

during his concerts, in full view of minors and Christians.

 Again, this perversion extends beyond his public persona. Will this man stop 

at nothing to tick off every disgusting act on his Satanic bucket list?

Strong drink is a brawler and we know Luke Bryan likes the strong drink.

Here, he assaults the hip-hop band Florida-Georgia Line in an elevator.

I also believe Luke Bryan to be involved in gang activities. These may include gun running, terrorism, prostitution, gang-banging, rap battles, and "Netflix and chilling."

When someone behaves as poorly as Luther, he becomes a stumbling block to his friends, 

family, and followers. Bryan's depravity has influenced his fans to become violent and aggressive.

The final proof is as shocking as all the rest combined. Luke Bryan is a worshipper of the 

dark lord Satan himself. This is not my opinion. He is proud of this. See it with your own eyes:

In summary, do not listen to Luke Bryan's music. What little of it passes as country music just grooms his young impressionable fans to get into his further diversions, such as drinking, intercourse, Satan Worship, and rap music. Run far from this man and his devious intentions.

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews Florida-Georgia Line's "H.O.L.Y."

Florida-Georgia Line - "H.O.L.Y."
(if you must hear this travesty, click here) 

 

I see these two numbskulls are still out here turning truth into lies. They said they were country. They lied. They're supposed to be singers, but they use new fangled computer technology to make their voices sound better. Lies. Now, they're perverting the Word of God. Is there no depths these idiots will sink to to add more cash to their coffers?

First of all, I thought this song was going to be an actual song about praising the Lord. That idea was stupidly based on the title, not the track record of these deviants. Why I'd think two dudes who've made a career out of singing about performing sexual acts on tailgates and kitchen sinks would suddenly repent, I do not know.

This song is about how this man worships a woman as if she was Jesus. That is as vile and repulsive a thing as I've ever come across since I found my son's booty magazines under his mattress when he was 16.  Have these two no souls? Only the Lord is holy. And his Son. And the Holy Ghost. And Sunday. And churches (except the Methodist ones).

What's not holy is the long haired one singing "let me lay you down, give me to ya." I might be old school and unworldly, but I know good and well that means giving her the ol' dirty deacon. I don't want to hear about or have to think about this scraggly looking purveyor of filth having sexual intercourse ever, much less in a song that clearly references spiritual matters. What sickness must reside in the heart of someone who'd tarnish the eternal with tush tapping. Away from me, sinner!

In summary, Mr. Hubbard and Mr. Kelley may as well stand in a baptismal naked, smoking reefers, looking at pornography, burning a flag, while shouting obscenities, as put out a song like this. The only difference is the first one will get you arrested.

Get right, people! The trumpeters are polishing their brass. The horsemen are saddling their steeds. The seals are 'bout to bust open wide.

F

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Old Dominion - Snapback

Old Dominion - Snapback

This song starts out poorly and descends further into the depths of hades from that point. I believe it opens with what's known as a "pick up line," but it seems to be one that would be ineffective on any female outside a street walker. This man is a sexual pervert and also lacks tact, an unfortunate combination that speaks to his sinful nature. For the wages of sin is death!

Actually, this whole song seems to be one long pick-up line written by someone whose experience with females is limited to viewing them through a steamed up bedroom window. I believe my CSI shows would say this fits a profile for a serial killer. Mr. Old Dominion should be watched.

In Matthew, Jesus says to love your neighbor as yourself. This fella wants to love the girl of his desire in a manner that is cheap, tawdry, horny, and impatient. He could do that with his computer tablet at home looking at the porno and not subject this woman to his vulgar desires. Flee from sin!

This song is called "Snapback." I had to use the Googles and find out what that means and it seems to be what we used to call a hat. I think young people just sit around and think up different names for stuff to be rebellious and "cool." I have many of these supposed snapbacks, but mine feature farm implements, largemouth bass, and Branson. I imagine this young lady's hat says Kardashians Are My Idol or Goochi Couture or something. She's not exactly presenting the most Godly image with her get up. Make up and tattoos and cut off blue jeans would have her spoken of harshly among the hens, uh, ladies of my congregation.

Like most "country music" these days, there is little that can be spoken of as country or music in this garbage. We're not headed to Hell in a handbasket, we are being flame roasted in the middle of burning wicker. It's not too late though! Jesus can bring his fire extinguisher of grace and douse the inferno if we only turn from songs like this "Snapback." Seek Glory!

This song gets an F!

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Michael Ray - Real Men Love Jesus

This is the same fella who sings about kissing a girl in the morning, right? And that implies that he spent the night with her. And now he's singing "Real Men Love Jesus?" Naw, homey don't play dat!

I'm not saying it's not possible to put your pecker in every floozie that shakes her buttocks on the club floor and still love the Father's Son, but I feel dirty for even having written those words, so clearly something isn't right. Hypocrisy is what's not right. This pretty boy is selling two worlds here.

I mean, nearly every country singer tells us of getting drunk as Toby Brown on Saturday night (Toby Brown is our local drunk), and praying for forgiveness on Sunday morning, but Michael Ray takes it even further. This song says "real men" have to love Jesus, but also "women"… as in more than one. Yes, I believe he is promoting threesomes and intercourse orgies in the very first line of a song purportedly about our Lord and Savior!!! Away from me Satan! Away!!

Later on, this sinner says real men love cold beer. Michael Ray, are you telling me I am not a real man? I do not engage in the imbibing of the Devil's urine! I'm not a man? Do I not have a penis and testicles? Have I not helped create three human beings who have succeeded as human beings at varying levels? I love my wife. I love my dearly departed mama. I can leg press more than Pat Robertson. I'M A MAN!

One final thing I will say about this foul and tricky song. It is a Trojan Horse of sin! Young Christian kids will hear the name Jesus and then think everything else in the song must be okay too. Nothing else in the song is about the Lord! That's like naming a song "Johnny Cash" and then having nothing in the song about Johnny Cash. Who would do that???

This is the most egregious and clever of the Devil's ploys. Michael Ray is a handsome young fellow who will appeal to the ladyfolks and the other young males will think "he is cool, I wish that I could be like Michael Ray and drink beer and stick my wiener in many skanks too!"

One more thing I don't get and must be of dark magical origins. This young man was a child in the 1990s yet he has tattoos that were popular in the 1990s (I know because my wayward 35 year old son has one of these "tribal tatts" on his ankle - he is not permitted to wear shorts in my home anymore). What up with that? Did his parents let him get "inked up" for his 8th birthday?










In closing, I say to thee: Flee from this song, this man, and this evil message! Amen!

F

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Luke Bryan - Kick the Dust Up

 Hear this reprehensible tune here if you must.

My duties as a minister include visiting the sick and shut-in on a frequent basis. In my thousands of visits, I've occasionally witnessed (either accidentally or the caregiver/patient just didn't care) ostomy bags being changed out. The first time I saw that, I was quite disturbed. The 20th time, I was still skeeved out, but not shocked. That's pretty much how I feel about this abomination of a song entitled "Kick the Dust Up."

Over the course of the years, Trailer has had me review some truly terrible music, and like him, I've become desensitized to the point that it's hard to quantify how awful an awful song is. I know it's morally reprehensible. I know it sounds bad and does not honor the Lord. I know I'd rather listen to television ads about toe fungus than hear this again.

Little children, make sure no one deceives you - 1 John 3:7.

Sometimes the Lord speaks to the kids because the adults are too stupid and set in their patterns of sin to get through to. I say to you young folks who are susceptible to the evils of mainstream country music: flee from this vulgarity and the culture that promotes and cannot move beyond the "Fireball whiskey" and the "hole in her jeans her mama didn't fix" and the "getting some nookie on the bed liner" lifestyle. These grown adult men are leading you astray for they care not for your souls. They lie to you! Do you really think 39 year old men are having parties in trespassed pastures and hiding from the cops and hitting on "hoochies?"

Nay! Nay! Nay! These people are cashing checks, yelling at their nannies, or planning their next vacation paid for with ill-gotten money. Greed! Greed guides their writing hand, their chord plucking fingers. Greed! Art is supposed to be about truth! Even when I disagree with some hooligan's art, I can respect it more when it is real.

"Fill your cup up" does not refer to sweet tea. "Back it on up" does not refer to a pickup truck - it is about a woman's derriere! Fowl! Foul!

Late in this song, Mr. Bryan asks the listener to follow him beneath the bridge to "kick it." I fear beneath this bridge will be nudity, sexual immorality, alcohol and drug abuse, and possible necking! Flee this lie! Flee this lifestyle!

Turn to the ways of righteousness before it is too late. It's not too late for you, youth of America!

This song gets an F!

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Chase Rice - Ride

Chase Rice - Ride
(link)

Apparently this corrupt song, "Ride" by Chase Rice, is quite popular on the satellite radio. Now I don't know what a satellite radio is, but I do know that I prefer my Oldsmobile stereo if this is the type of vulgar cow-pucky they play on that new fangled thing. This is by far the most spiritually depraved musical selection I've ever listened to. I once had to throw away a box of "Negroes With Attitudes" and "Two Live Crue" cassettes my son had hidden under his bed, but I didn't lay ear upon that evil, and my son didn't walk straight for a month after I did not spare the rod upon his backside.

Anyway, this tune… It is purely about the lust of the flesh. At my age, I'm not even tempted by like of the flesh, so that's already a strike against "Ride." In the first verse, Mr. Rice sings "Whisper dirty secrets while I'm pulling on your hair." It seems to me that she might be yelling dirty words because her scalp is in pain, but that's just me. I'm not affiliated with this sort of 60 shades of grey trash this generation seems to be infatuated with. The naughtiest my wife and I ever got was the time "The Clapper" accidentally turned the lamp on while we were engaged in marital coitus.

Later on this purveyor of satanic infidelity sings "kiss your body from the tip top all the way down to your feet." If this means what I think it means, Mr. Rice may have placed his mouth upon this lady-friend's baby factory! What sickness is this?? The female body is to be honored and cherished, not dripped with candle wax and masticated upon. Get behind me Satan! And I don't mean for homosexual activities!

This is only a small sampling of the odious pursuits explored in this heinous song. Other bits of discourtesy to our Lord that are mentioned or referred to are: non-missionary position sex, drinking, contact with breasts, smoking the wacky tobacco, and possible thrusting. These things are not even smiled upon inside the bounds of holy matrimony, much less within the desperate throes of a one-night-stand or fruitless explorations of a long-term courtship. Sex is reserved for honeymoons, procreation, and wedding anniversaries. Songs like this just make it sound wet, tiring, and shameful. Depart from me, Chase Rice!

F

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Chase Rice - Gonna Wanna Tonight

 Chase Rice - Gonna Wanna Tonight
(click to hear, if you fear not the grasp of Satan)

I'd been enjoying the kicked-back life a preacher gets to live after the holidays, visiting shut ins, watching football, getting fat on the 46 Hillshire Farms summer sausages my congregation gave me for Christmas… then all of the sudden, I hear from Trailer and it all goes south. He's wanting me to do another song review, he says. No curse words in it, he says. Chase Rice, he says and I nearly use a curse word. Buttttt, here we go…

This is a song about Chase cavorting with his sweetie on a weekend night, but you already knew that if you listened to the last 45 songs in a row on country music radio. The whole thing is built around the fact that "gonna" and "wanna" rhyme. That's as deep as it gets from our idiot manchild friend here. "Gonna" and "wanna" aren't even officially recognized as words, as far as I know. I don't recall Jesus saying "Blessed are those who gonna wanna, for they shall inherit the dropped tailgate."

More troublesome, as usual, is the usage of alcohol for "fun" and "enjoyment." Away from me, tempting suitor of Satan's employ! Proverbs chapter 23 reminds us that "wine biteth like a serpent and stingeth like an adder. Thine eyes shall behold strange women and thine heart shall utter perverse things." If one needed any further proof of God's truth, one only need listen to this perversity and twisting of God's gift of music.  The "wine," which in this case is likely "Fireball whiskey" or "Natty Ice beer," of course leads to fornicating and worse.

What of your eternal rest, Chase Rice? Is one night (or many, many single nights, more likely) of dirty, unprotected sexual relations with a lithe and sumptuous female worth an afterlife where the worms never stop dining on your sinful carcass?

As you fill your coffers with sin-tainted money, do you ever stop and consider the cost, in the lives of your followers. Surely they look to your flat-brim wearing, skank-chasing, drink-drinking, slang-dropping lifestyle and consider it worthy of idolatry. Turn from this path, son, before your "Fireball" becomes a fiery lake of burning sulfur!! Repent!

F

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Jason Aldean - Burnin' It Down

Click to listen to this evil vulgarity.

First of all, I was told I'd be reviewing a country song. That is an utter and inarguable lie; this is not a country song. Is there any fiddle? Is there any steel guitar? I'm not even sure any actual instruments were used in performing this song. In fact, it may even be sung by a robot.

This execrable single is about having intercourse with someone whom the singer is likely not betrothed to in holy matrimony. Inserting one's pecker into a female's hoo-hoo outside the bounds of marriage is a sin, period. Doing so in a musical recording this bad is an unforgivable sin that may cause the devil to take extra joy in tormenting his soul for eternity.

The fact that the "voice" delivering this message comes from a fellow who in real life left his wife after fornicating with a young hussy he met while intoxicated by Satan's liquor makes it an even more formidable offense to the Lord. Son, when one not only gives in to the flesh but also preaches that falling to temptation is a worthy pursuit, he is only inscribing his name on the nameplate over the door of his 3x3 cell in Hell.

The first Epistle to the Corinthians says to "Flee from sexual immorality." Mr. Aldean (whose name is even a lie - Aldine is the original spelling) does not flee for a moment. In fact, he runs a 40 yard dash to the poontang and wishes to "burn it down" which I believe to be code language for "inflicting chafing to." When Aldine sings "Hit the switch," I believe he is referring to some sort of battery powered sexual aide, the likes of which is illegal in this state. Is he not man enough to fulfill his harlot's illicit desires himself? He also states that he wishes to "crawl through the dark" in some sort of perverted "S and M" fantasy. The darkness this opens a listener up to knows no bottom and no walls.

There is so much wrong with this song, I have to give it the lowest grade I've ever given a song. There is still time for this vulgar man to find the Lord, but for now, his soul is bound for a place "where the worm dies not, and the fire is not quenched." Burnin' indeed.

F--

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Sturgill Simpson - Turtles All the Way Down

Review:

Monday Morning Memes: Chase Rice, Luke Bryan, Big Machine, etc.

Thanks to Big Damn Heroes for this meme.

Country Album Warning Labels: Swindell, Musgraves, etc.

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Cole Swindell - Chillin' It

Cole Swindell - Chillin' It

Click to listen

Heavenly Father, what have I done to deserve this? Was it the speeding ticket I got last week on the way to the ladies' luncheon? Was it that vulgar pop-up ad I accidentally viewed while browsing the garden tillers on Craigslist? I was just wondering what that young woman was doing with that salami. Anyway….Whatever it was, Lord, I beg your forgiveness. 

This song is an affront to everything I hold dear: my faith, my senses and my taste in music. This young fellow and his female friend (likely dressed like some Daisy Duke harlot) are wasting precious time and gas by riding around listening to music (probably awful Satan-pleasing music like this). 

They are also apparently drinking as they do this. I know good and well it isn't Kool-aid they're drinking. More than likely, it's this disgusting cheap beer my son-in-law drinks on his porch. What does he call it? Steel Preserve? Anyway, it's illegal to drive and drink and God hates anyone who drinks alcohol in order to get drunk.

Beyond the iniquity of the actions glorified in this song are other issues. This young man sings no better than Carl Jenkins in our church choir, and Carl is a partaker of Pall Malls. This Cole person also sounds exceedingly, how do I put this? Cheesy, I believe the young people would say. I mean, I'm an awkward peckerwood, but this young man makes me look like Shaft. These are purely secular views on this misguided "art." The prevailing problems are the evils listed in the previous paragraphs. 

Sloth, wastefulness, lust, drunkenness, breaking laws, being a goober. If these things appeal to you, then by all means, let this be the stumbling-block you trip over onto the quick slippy slide down to Hell! However, I pray you'll hear my words and abstain from giving ear to this unpleasant venture. Resist Satan, I say to thee!!!

F