Showing posts with label Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist. Show all posts

Dec 4, 2013

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Rich O'Toole - Too Good to Call

Hear a preview here, if ye dare.

This is a profane and vulgar song that does nothing to honor the name of the Father. From what I gathered in the minute or two I could stomach, this is a man who's recently been dumped whining about his ex-girlfriend not calling him or texting or "sex-ting," as this perverse Obama-generation says.

I don't care about this young fella's love life, or lack thereof. I'm sure he's like most of his generation, hopping from bed to backseat to behind a dumpster, chasing female companionship. So, why should I care that he got dumped? I would have dumped him too if he whined that much during the "relationship."

And now, the language! I believe when an educated person uses language like this, it is a cry for help. Possibly, Mr. Tool didn't receive a quality education while he was drinking beer from a bong and paddling naked pledges when he was at Texas A&M. I don't know. I do know that he has a reprehensible vocabulary that does little besides raise up a symbolic middle finger to the Lord our God.

Now I suppose it's an ear-tickling enough song. It's catchy, but as they say, so are the scabies. And that's what we behold here, something that the young people will draw near to because of its pleasing qualities, unknowing of the dark forces at work inside the MP3. Every time someone plays "Too Good to Call," a demon gets its horns. I believe I have had to raise up this young singer in prayer before but it looks like I will have to get a whole prayer circle together tonight.


Aug 15, 2013

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Luke Bryan - That's My Kinda Night

(click to listen)

An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge.

It looks like the writers and singer of this impossibly stupid song failed to study their Proverbs. Instead, they delight in being dummies. They rejoice in jackassery. They exalt idiocy. If one wishes to witness the results of the American educational system, they need only turn the radio to a country or "hip hoppin'" station. There, the buffoonery and feeble-mindedness of the general populace is on full display for your incredulous ear.

And now we have the point at which these two bastions of bone-headedness come together! Yes Christians, the country folk and their urban brothers are finally setting aside their differences and smashing the musical genres of Blake Shelton and "Snoopy Dogg" together into some un-Godly mess of slang and lapsed morals. When two dummies collaborate, you can't expect anything enlightening to come of it. Mercy upon those who enjoy this travesty!

This Luke Bryan song speaks of hottie country girls and beer and tailgates. At one point, Mr. Bryan even asks his female companion to hand him a beer while they are still in his "big black jacked up truck." This is not only against the Lord's will and against the law, it is in direct conflict with furtherance of the human species. Natural selection, I believe they call this? Unfortunately, Darwin seems to be wrong yet again because people just keep getting stupider and stupider.

Let the wise hear and increase in learning, and the one who understands obtain guidance.
Luke Bryan and the writers of this song seem to prove the old saying that "a fool despises wisdom." Fans of this song are allowed to operate motor vehicles and vote. If that doesn't make you turn to God, I don't know what will. 

Folks, any song that celebrates that lusty pervert Conway Twitty can't be any good for the soul. This one is also detrimental to the mind. Stay far from this if you value your earthly virtues and expect eternal rest. And for you low-information music fans who live only to see Mr. Bryan "twork" his backside in jeans a man should never wear and sing drivel such as this….. Hell awaits.


Apr 25, 2013

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Casey Donahew Band - Go To Hell

Casey Donahew Band - Go To Hell
Listen here if ye dare.

Children of the Lord, this song is a laundry list of sin and despair.
Behold all the evils the Casey Donahew Band sells to its fans:
Sexual impropriety
Foul language
Threats of violence
More drunkenness

Really, Mr. Donahew? Are you aware that it won't be long after that "phone call to your ex to remind her to go to Hades" that you won't be long following her (if in fact she is not saved by the blood). You have logged into Satan's version of Expedia and reserved a room, son. It won't be a 5 star, it won't even be a 1 star. It will be a 3 by 3 cinder block cell in which you have to attempt to sleep crouched over burning coals while "Florida-Georgia Line with Nelly" plays over and over through a loudspeaker. There won't be no Gideon's Bible in a drawer for you to read and cry out to the Lord for help either, just an unauthorized Rascal Flatts biography with a Gary Levox centerfold.

The biggest sin the "CDB" has committed with this song is that they will cause young "CDB" fans to stumble. How many trucker-capped, fist pumping young men will follow the band down this Texas highway to Hell? This song is pretty catchy, so it will certainly appeal to the younger demographic and all the "attitude" (which is really just a code word for "Hate of Jesus") will cause their hormone addled minds to see this sort of behavior as "cool" or "tight, yo."

I will pray for this band and its fans tonight. I will lift them up and ask the heavenly Father to help them turn away from humanism and vice before they join such "icons" of that lifestyle as Johnny Paycheck and Hank Williams in perdition.

My rating for this reprehensible song:

Feb 19, 2013

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Corb Lund - Bible on the Dash

Corb Lund (featuring Hayes Carll) - Bible on the Dash
(listen at this link)

This song is about using the Holy Word as a smoke screen to throw cops off the trail of any illicit behavior by sinful musicians touring the south. I am so turned off by this vulgar premise, I can hardly listen to the song.

I assume Mr. Lund and Mr. Carll were partaking of the devil's vine and suckling at the devil's teat before proceeding on their hell-ride from town to town, proselytizing to the trucker cap and pearl-snap shirt wearing masses. Being the enlightened liberal sort, they assumed it was okay for them to disregard some local trivialities such as red lights and speed limits. Being from the' open-minded' great white north and the self-important state of Texas, these two are already high on themselves, so it must have made for quite the ego trip.

When the yocal sheriff or deputy dared to approach their sin-chariot, one of these two jackwads made sure to slap a stolen Gideon Bible on the dash like some handicap placard in a Walmart parking lot. For shame. The Word is not a shield for iniquities. It is a sword against the same.

I feel bad for these enforcement officers, unwise to the worldliness of these jaded Americana purveyors. I feel worse for the souls of Carll and Lund. Each time they performed this ruse, ol' Satan himself turned up the temperature of their future holding cells a few degrees, laughing through his fearsome teeth all the while.

If I hear of either of these vile artists putting on a show in my state (probably in the wretched sin-den of Oxford), I will alert local authorities to their scam. Perhaps you should overlook the cheap, unruffled pages of the Holy tome and use the good sense the Lord gave you. If it smells like the mary jane, and drives like an idiot on COPS and bears the reddened eyes of a pot junky, perhaps this is not the touring van of a Christian artist. No sir, these fellows are spreading evil and should be brought to justice.

"Bible on the Dash" is not so much a song as it is encouragement for other wayward singers to use the same dastardly fraud to get away with their crimes against decency and God. Corb and Hayes, fall upon your knees and beg Him to set your path toward righteousness.


Jan 16, 2013

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Ray Wylie Hubbard's Letterman Appearance

I should have known this newest song/video Trailer had for me to review would be particularly nefarious since the video in question is filmed in New York City on the stage of that intern philandering David Letterman. Sin abounds! Trailer, does your conscience have no reins?

I won't even bother with scripture this time. You'll know quickly enough how closely Satan himself hides behind this work of art. And yet, the media allowed Mr. Ray Wylie Hubbard to preach his lifestyle across the airwaves. Should we be surprised?

Just look at this homeless-looking individual talking over the Devil's music in the background. And he's talking about what? Strippers and drinking establishments and whatnot. That's whatnot. Oh and it gets even better.

This Mr. Hubbard, if that is truly his name tells the sordid story of selling his father's car, without permission, for the money to buy a guitar ...on which to play these dirty stories. Sin is an endless cycle, my friends. An endless cycle that'll spin you off its wheel into hell when your time is done.

The last part of the song describes Ray Wylie's scandalous means of providing himself with female companionship at the end of one night at this sin-den where the women are stumbling-blocks and the men are brain-dead fools led around by their kickstand. I feel stained just having written to you about all this manner of vice and profligacy.

And yet again, as if all this degeneracy weren't enough to win him Hell's employee of the week without even working there yet, Mr. Hubbard has the gall to marry the underage door girl. Friends and saints, if Obama has fooled you into seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, just know that it is not a light, but the incandescent flickering of the flames of HELL. I advise those of you who soil your senses with this sickness to repent now. NOW I SAY TO YOU!!!!


Oct 4, 2012

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Kyle Park - The Night is Young

Kyle Park - The Night is Young
Listen to the song here.

This seems to be a celebration of youth and staying out well past the late news, both of which are sins. Okay, youth isn't actually a sin, but it is said that "youth is wasted on the young" and the Holy Bible says that children should obey their parents. Well, this parent didn't allow his children to stay out late into the night and consort with unclean persons or partake in alcoholic beverages or give in to lust of the flesh, so Mr. Park would do well to follow these rules as well. The fact that my daughter got pregnant at 17 (she did get married though, at the barrel of a 10 gauge) and my son is currently at Clearview Recovery Center is of no concern to you. Every word in the Bible is law. My wools and linens never cross fibers.

When I was Kyle Park's age, I did my share of partying, but my thirties found me destitute, lonely and riddled with illnesses which required treatment at the health department. Thus, I learned that this late-night lifestyle is not one for young people to aspire to. I stand before you a whole man, with a budding ministry, a lovely wife (to some), a fine double-wide home and a clean health report because I turned from the devil's temptations. Glory be!

Turn from His wrath! If you are still living with your parents, listen to them and come in before the curfew they set (which should be no later than 9:30 PM). If you are a young person living on your own, use Friday nights to study the Word, watch CBN and pray. Bars are dens of sin, above-the-booty tattoos, women wearing boots, Yaygermyster (my son-in-law told me to mention that), vulgar Brantly Gilbert music, tobacco and perverse video trivia. Flee from these, Kyle Park! Fall upon your Wrangler covered knees and thank the Lord for your vocal abilities. Reverse course before it is too late. Put down the Shiner Bock beer. Take your hand off that harlot's thigh. Keep your little pecker inside your blue jeans. Don't sing songs that glorify sin sin sin!!!!


Aug 16, 2012

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Taylor Swift - We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

What is this? Is this a Hip-Hoppin' song? I don't know what's going on. It sounds like one of the young girls in my church's youth group singing in one of our (non-dancing) musicals. Except those girls sound better. And they don't "rap" (rap is an abomination to the ears of God). And they glorify the Lord with their gifts.

All this Taylor Swift girl is doing is whining about some puppy love affair that broke up. Children should not be able to date until they are 18 anyway, so this seems right on the border of sinfulness that she was being courted by a young fellow anyway. What if they had necked and fallen short of the Lord's grace?

The young man who dumped Ms. Swift is to be applauded for his actions.  Proverbs 31:3 says not to give your strength to women. Anyone who "went out" with this girl would certainly be at the mercy of her money and career and we all know that the man is to rule the roost. My wife knows I wear the polyester slacks in this house, even if she does have to match my shirts and ties for me. I have astigmatism.

I see no real perversions or slights against the heavenly Father in this "song" but the song itself does not glorify Him. It sounds like she sang into an empty can of succotash on her porch while one of them cars with the "booming" speakers rode by. How is this considered music? And anyone who spends his or her $1.29 on this drivel should fall upon their knees and repent that they did not give their money to a more worthy cause, such as the pastor's residence fund at my church. I really need me one of them aluminum roofs.

For its assault upon my auditory system alone, this song gets an:

Jul 18, 2012

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Kip Moore - Beer Money

Kip Moore - Beer Money
(listen at this link, if you wish to soil your soul)

After a couple of good, wholesome songs for review, Trailer has returned to sending me these typically worldly "country" songs that can cause a believer to stumble. Even sending me a song like this is considered sin in the holy gaze of the Father. "Beer Money" by Kip Moore is a deviant song about misusing one's income to worship at the foul-smelling feet of Satan. 

If you have some money, you didn't make that money. Somebody else made that happen! The great and perfect heavenly Lord let you borrow that money. We are just to be the stewards.

So what does Mr. Kip Moore do with GOD'S MONEY??? He purchases the products of that great Idol of Evil, Adolphus Busch. Kip uses money that may be intended for the purchase of tracts to hand out to despicable sinners outside the very country music concerts he performs at for getting drunk.

We've already discussed the wickedness of fermented drink. A TRUE Christian's lips should NEVER touch alcohol (ahem, Catholics), much less use the devil's urine to become intoxicated. Why, I'd rather grab a roach off the floor of my daughter and son-in-law's disgusting trailer and eat it than have even a molecule of  "Bud Platinum" evaporate on my tongue. Or the "Natty Light" said son-in-law has rolling around in the bed of his truck. I fear that boy will drag my offspring to the deepest canyon of Hades.

Speaking of Hades, this perverse singer sings positively of "raising hell." Were you brought up by crack harlots and biker gangs, Kip Moore??? For shame! I can hardly contain my indignation about this song and living in a country that would embrace such "art" with open, tattooed arms. Handbasket, meet Hell.


May 24, 2012

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Craig Morgan - Corn Star

(Click title to listen)

I don't get it. Trailer usually sends me vulgar, atrocious songs. This isn't too bad at all. 

It's a celebration of a female corn farmer. Other than the descriptions of her in cut-off shorts and a bikini, there isn't anything here that would make a person think sinful thoughts. Don't get me wrong, putting the thoughts of a lovely country lady in tiny clothing in listeners' heads IS right there on the verge of causing your brother to stumble, but if you have a spotless mind like me, it's no big deal.

Every time I hear of a country girl in a bikini, I picture my wife stuffed in one like a pack of Thomasville sausages and don't feel any lust whatsoever. Much the opposite.

My son-in-law, Jerry, a Southern Baptist, keeps giggling every time I play this song, but I can't understand why. This is an honest, straight-forward ode to a hardworking midwestern farmer who just happens to be a comely young lady. I think Craig Morgan is to be applauded for sending out appreciation for the real people who keep this country going. What's funny about that, Jerry? 

He just asked if I was listening to the soundtrack of "Debbie Does Iowa." I don't catch his drift, but then, those Southern Baptists are a different sort altogether. They think it's okay to drink, so long as you don't speak to one another in the liquor store. 

There he goes again. What in hades is so funny? She's a corn star! 

Well, I'll end this review here. I'm still flabbergasted that Trailer sent me something that doesn't have premarital sex, smoking mary wanna, drinking or any other sinfulness in it. This is a great song that I would be proud to play to my own mother, rest her soul.

Shut up Jerry!


Apr 26, 2012

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: The Lacs - 190 Proof

(listen at the link above, if you do not value your salvation)

What do we have here now? Country rap rock music? This is surely an abomination before the Lord. I feel as though there is a special unvented 6x6 room in hell for anyone who writes, sings, raps, produces, releases, purchases, listens to or enjoys this sort of "music." And I haven't even commented on the lyrics yet. My soul is weary and my heart is full of dark clouds as I ponder this atrocity against all that is good and decent in the world.

The Lacs give us this sickening mix of electric guitar riffs, redneck rapping and country images as if they actually had the thought that this was a good idea. Were they under demonic possession when considering their options for a career path? The answer to this question is surely "yes." At least a prostitute is only committing one sin at a time.

Sinners. And proud of it.
This "song" is pretty much just a white trash grocery list of truck references and alcohol brands. The fact that the two are used in such close company indicates that these ol' boys do a lot of drinking and driving. Do you hear that, police officers? They are confessing to their crimes. The Lord already knew - now you do too. Act accordingly.

They talk of coon dogs, gallons of moonshine and going "rounds" with country girls. This is surely a sexual reference. Flee from sexual promiscuity, thus saith the Almighty. Flee from sin. The Lacs apparently flee TOWARDS sin as though they came out of the womb buttocks first.

Every man has the opportunity for redemption, so I'll include The Lacs in my daily prayer, but my hopes are dim for them. They preach of transgressions as victories. That's like the biddies at the church high-fiving one another for winning a Bingo game. Sin, sin, sin and post it on the Facebook! How can one be proud of getting "tore up from the floor up" or "tapping some country girl donk?" My country girl's donk is a good three feet wide, so "tapping" it would be a vast understatement.

Anyway, this is an immoral act of the Devil. A misdeed against God, me, you and humanity. Turn from the wicked unto the Lord before it's too late.


Mar 8, 2012

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Rich O'Toole - Drunk Girl

(links to Rita Ballou article with song player embedded)

Sex on the beach? Body shots? Whores? This sounds right up my alley, Mr. Trailer Parkman! See what I did there? I've finally picked up on the art of sarcasm after my months of reviewing putrid sinful music on this retched blog.

The very fact that the mp3 single Trailer sent me had "(Explicit)" after the title should have been enough for me to know that I shouldn't subject my holy ears to this. I am defiled.

Tequila breath is sexy. Guitar rhymes with bar. These are a couple of the helpful facts I learned by listening to Mr. Tool's song. Not only do I feel soiled by sin, I feel as though I have lost several IQ points over the course of three minutes and fifty-two seconds.

I won't even go back into the Bible verses I've quoted you people before about the sins of drunkenness. You should know by now. 

Young girls showing off their lady parts? I'm not even going into the Lord's thoughts about promiscuity and lack of decorum. I'm just too beaten down by this song to even proselytize today. I just ask of you to use the Google or the index of your stolen-from-a-hotel Gideon's Bible to research about these things.

Whoa unto me. Gloom, despair and agony. Mr. Tool, you have desecrated my Wednesday and set loose this awful earworm upon my hearing.

This isn't a song. It's a crisis of faith.


Feb 14, 2012

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Josh Abbott Band - Touch

This treacherous song, released today… Valentines Day, is entirely about lust of the flesh and sexual copulation. Dear Lord, do these singers from Texas know no bounds to their perversions? If nothing else is "bigger in Texas," their depravity certainly is.

I believe the couple in this musical composition is in fact, unmarried, yet they have given in to the desires of the tallywhacker and the hoo-hoo. These parts of the body have no Holy function besides creating children and removing urine from the body. The tallywhacker is an evil, evil organ which has caused even me to sin before whilst flipping through the Sears and Roebuck catalogue and chancing upon a lady in a Realtree bra and panties. The hoo hoo is also a wanton organ that causes women-folk to lust after movie stars like that Ryan Reynolds, Larry the Cable Guy (my wife's favorite) and Matthew Muckonahay. Since the pecker and the lady-place only serve evil outside the bounds of marriage, they should most certainly be kept under lock and key until such time a couple would be prepared for baby-making, and then put away promptly.

This Josh Abbott feller talks of undressing his female companion with his eyes. This is lust! Jesus said you should rip out your right eye if it causes you to sin. Or perhaps Mr. Abbott should take a buck knife to his privates. It is better to lose a member than your whole self get flambeed in the Devil's cookout.

The Lord says the sexually impure are as bad as murderers and sorcerers, and even Ben Rothlisburger. Thou shalt surely swim in the lake of fire and sulfur.

Abstain, country listener! Do not pay Josh Abbott and his band any mind when they sing so temptingly of filthiness. My wife heard this song last night and she suddenly slipped into her good muumuu. Needless to say, I threw up a little green bean casserole in my mouth. Don't let this happen to you. Swing wide of sin. Repent, repent I say!!


Jan 25, 2012

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Rascal Flatts - Banjo

Well, this song started out pretty good. It reminded me of some good ol' fashioned Christian bluegrass, until the lead singer, Mr. Levox said "B.S." I thought these were supposed to be poster boys for good taste and positivity in secular country music. 

Apparently they are just as worldly as the Casey Donahews and Brantley Gilberts of this nation. As clean cut and well-mannered as these young men seem to be, it's a true disappointment that they are as hellbound as that empty-headed pervert, Hank Williams Jr.

The theme of this song is "getting away from it all." They say it's time to eschew computers, cell phones and whatnot and I can fully agree with that. Every time I sit down at my wife's laptop to write these song reviews, I can just feel the demonic forces dancing just below my fingertips. They wish to lead all of us toward the evil LCD temptations of gambling, pornography and Harry Potter. Oh, I shiver at the thought.

So far, there is at least a little positive to balance out the negative of this song, but that changes when we reach the chorus. "You go and you go, until you hear banjos" it says. My son-in-law, Jerry, was listening over my shoulder and began laughing when he heard that line. He proceeded to tell me that it was a reference to a vulgar Hollywood moving picture entitled "Deliverance."

Apparently, in this movie, some city slickers go on a raft ride in the God-forsaken mountains of northern Georgia. Their fun times go awry when some typical residents of that locale attack them and perform sodomy upon one of them, exhorting the defiled man to "squeal like a pig." It's a good thing I haven't eaten in a few hours or I would, as the younguns say, blow chunks.

So, I gather that the rascally Flatts are wishing for that to happen to them, as if the eery sound of a banjo is the woods is actually a siren's call that causes their loins to swell with blood and lust. This truly is the most objectionable song I have ever had the displeasure of listening to. I had heard rumors that the lead singer might be, uh, you know… that way, but the other two are not exempt since they added their backing vocals and pretend guitar playing to this dreadful song.

It is an abomination before the Lord to go spelunking the nether regions with another man, so saith Larry Lee. Flee from this deviant tune and seek the Father. 


Dec 13, 2011

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Sunny Sweeney's Christmas Song

Sunny Sweeney - One More Christmas Beer

Merry Christmas everyone. Notice I didn't say Happy Holidays, but that ain't got anything to do with fighting back against the "war on Christmas." Nope, there's a difference between merry and happy - merry is temporary, happy is lasting… my mother-in-law will be visiting this year, so while I can put on a merry face for Christmas, my holidays will not in fact be very happy.

And I'm even less happy about this Sunny Sweeney and her "One More Christmas Beer." Even in my drinking days, I wasn't so bold before the Lord as to partake of demon spirits during the season of Jesus' birth.

How dare this strumpet, who I shall refer to as "Sinny," use the most Holy of Christian holidays to promote her addiction to alcohol?!? Would she open a beer with a cross shaped bottle opener? Would she fill a baptismal with red wine? Would she take Jim Beam and pretzels at Communion?

Isaiah 5, Verse 22 says "Woe to those who are heroes at drinking wine and champions at mixing drinks." I'm guessing Sinny never read that verse or others that speak ill of drunkards like this tart. In fact, I'd be quite shocked if this lushy trollop ever opened a Bible that wasn't in the nightstand of her seedy hotel love-nest.

This song will surely cause Christians and those who should be to stumble this holiday season. It will cause those who've sworn off the lifestyle of drinking until they forget how to get back to the Seminary to long for such blissful days. She makes getting tanked to avoid the frustrations of dealing with difficult relatives sound like something pleasurable…. very pleasurable indeed.

I have to remind myself and Sinny that the drunken will not inherit the Kingdom of God. They shall reap hangovers, lost hours and the dirty looks of judgmental aunts.

Do not be filled with wine, in which lies the path to ruin! Be filled with the Spirit my brothers and sisters! Stay strong! No matter how many times that mother-in-law of yours expects you to read her mind about where the Christmas tree should be or says you aren't good enough for her daughter. Those are just examples of what you may experience ….that's got nothing to do with me.

This song, though… it's got bad words, bad behavior and promotion of the sweet escapism of a tempting but ruinous habit.

I give Sinny and this morally corrupt song the full strength of an:


Nov 9, 2011

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Wade Bowen

Wade Bowen - Saturday Night

Hello everybody. I have returned for another turn pontificating about a piece of secular music. I am particularly distraught right now, because my home state of Mississippi last night determined that they hate little babies and wish for them to die. With this breach of moral priorities in mind, I'll strive to deliver some clear thoughts about this song "Saturday Night" by Mr. Wade Bowen.

On the surface, this seems the kind of message I could get behind. Bowen asks why people enjoy the sin and frivolity of Saturday nights. I ask this every Sunday morning, my eyes pausing to rest on a couple of teens slumping in their pews and Louie Reynolds, who recently left his wife and has been seen cavorting at a place called Pardners. In any case, this is a good question. If only the reason behind his disdain for Saturday nights was a pure and good one.

However, Mr. Bowen only dislikes Saturday night because his woman (presumably a woman, but you never know with these liberal Texas types) left him on a Saturday night. This has made him cranky about "drunk girls" he wishes the bartender would kick out and a band that's playing music too loud and a couple who is likely necking in a pleather booth. While these things also get my boxer shorts in a knot, I am opposed to them because I am righteous and Jesus-seeking, not because some female set me free.

If Bowen only finds self-worth in the wanton arms of a barroom floozy, then he is surely bound to someday find his final comforts in the warm and ruddy arms of Satan himself. Also, he admits to drinking amidst his pain and his annoyances. Strong drink is never a solution, it can only be a problem unto itself. Oh, one more thing… he tosses off "nothing but Sunday morning waiting for me at home" as if that is his only option. Find yourself in a church pew telling God you trust in his Word, Mr. Bowen, not hugging the American Standard and telling God lies about how you won't pursue the evils of alcohol again!

While this song is fairly pleasing upon the ears, it is a carrier of dark notions and a bearer of sin. I can only pray and shake my head for Bowen, the fans of his music and you, my reader who will probably disregard my warnings and enjoy this turd that the Dark Lord himself excreted. Repent! Repent I say!


Oct 9, 2011

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Nickelback - Bottoms Up

Dear Heavenly Father. I ask you to grant forgiveness to Trailer for his inequities, as they are legion. I also ask you to grant me grace and patience as I attempt to properly review this musical selection from the rock and roll band Nickelback. Amen.

"Bottoms Up" is the name of this rock and roll song from the band Nickelback. Based on the drivel Trailer has sent me for review thus far, I assumed this was some sort of perverse sexual reference about performing acts that are against the will of the Lord. (Husband + Wife + Missionary = okay; anything else = Hell). Much to my surprise, this song has nothing to do with carnal desire.

Don't let that fact make you think Trailer has sent me something uplifting and spiritual to review. Oh no, this is yet another trashy song that glorifies Satan and his dominion over the material world. While not as vile or sinful as something about intercourse, it is a song about a slightly lesser violation of God's Holy Word: drinking.

I'm not talking about sneaking a shot to put up with your mother-in-law on Thanksgiving drinking either. This is about binging on that unholy liquid. I've already quoted scripture about drinking before so I'll just say "naughty naughty!" Jesus may have turned water to wine, but I'm pretty sure if He was alive today, he wouldn't turn water to "black tooth, 80 proof, straight gasoline." That just sounds despicable. The Devil himself would be hugging the toilet after imbibing in the way Chad Kroeger and his cohorts describe.

There's nothing positive about this song. Not a single word. Also, there's one line that says "Hell can't handle all of us." To that, I say, "hide and watch." If this band were to die today, the black gates of Hades would spring wide to swallow them like John Goodman eats a handful of pretzel M&Ms.

And the music. Is this what rock and roll sounds like in 2011? The din these men create is surely an affront to God. The lead singer Chad sounds like a billy goat coughing up a kudzu vine. Does this pass for vocalization in popular music? The worst singer (old man Chester the drunk) in my church family is easier upon my hearing organs.

If this band were singing "Amazing Grace," it would still offend the Lord's ears. I cannot stress enough how this song and this band make my soul cringe as if standing on the precipice of Hell's pit.


Sep 19, 2011

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Trent Tomlinson

Trent Tomlinson - A Man Without a Woman

I am told the singer of this song is well known for running around with lots of random women, so right off the top I've got a lot of jealousy disrespect towards this fellow. Him and his young, handsome looks and trendy doo-rag.

The first verse reveals him to be an untrustworthy narrator from the start. He mentions partying too hard, which is code for imbibing on alcoholic beverages and hanging around smoky drinking establishments hoping to entice scantily clad young women to have intercourse with him. There is so much sin inherent to this lifestyle, it's no wonder so many twenty-somethings who lose their lives early are on the Amtrak straight to Hell's train station.

Now, while the next verse is fine spiritually, the chorus of this song is truly Biblically incorrect. It says that a man who doesn't have a woman is lost. Really? Is that what you think, Mr. Tomlinson? Perhaps you haven't met my wife, but that's an aside for another day. What's at stake here is Trent's final resting place.

Yay verily a man is only lost without the Lord. A man without a woman may lack someone to cook his meals, clean his abode, raise his children, iron his clothes, wash his truck, plan his schedule, pay the bills, buy groceries and help entertain guests, but he is most certainly NOT lost. This is false teaching.

Mr. Tomlinson goes on to have the main character of this song question God's plan in the bridge. He wonders why our Heavenly Father took his woman but hasn't taken him yet. Give us a huge break, sir. Possibly the Lord still needs the man's services as a Walmart greeter or diabetes commercial spokesperson. It is not for us to question God's timing.

In summation, A Man Without a Woman, while not as prurient or vile as most Trashville musical selections, is still a troubling discourse on man's misplaced priorities in this sin-driven society. Abstain from giving it audience and most certainly, disregard its foul woman-centric message. Eve is in Hell.


Aug 30, 2011

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Brantley Gilbert

Brantley Gilbert - Hell on an Angel

I was appalled by the title of this song from the start. Why do so many country singers feel the need to promote that dark realm in their songs? Also, I'm no scholar but the frequent usage of "hell" in country songs as a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, interjection, dangling participle and whatever else can't be correct. Can I get a Amen!?

I have another question. Why is this song labeled as "country?" It is clearly a southern rock song like that infernal Lynyrd Skynryd and dirty rednecks like that. Brantley Gilbert looks way more like a biker man than a good old Christian country boy. You don't see me going around calling myself Larry Lee the United Methodist, do you? That would be ridiculous ...because I'm not a drunk.

Anyway, the song… It actually had potential and I thought it was a song of spiritual redemption until he called God "baby." I was all like WTF (Why the falsehood)? And then I was like "oh no he didn't." I'm sorry for all the slang, I've been filling in some at the South Holcomb Missionary Baptist Church while the Right Reverend Percival G. Sparks recovers from shingles and I picked up a little of that yang, homeys.

This song worships the false idols of love and females. This man was a sinner and claims to have been redeemed by the fairer se… uh, a woman. Not only is this false teaching, it goes against human nature as well. Women have more evil in one brain cell than a man has in his entire body (not counting the no-no place below his abdomen). Also, Eve was the first sinner. That's good enough for me to know that no salvation ever came at the hands of a female and that a man should always lead the way. Don't tell my wife I said that though.

I believe this Brantley Gilbert only changed his ways for the promise of sexual favors, not true love. There is only one true love and that is with da big poppa in da sky. Believe dat, gee!

You might have guessed that this song has earned the following grade:


Aug 8, 2011

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Rich O'Toole - Marijuana and Jalapenos

Trailer has me listening to a song about illicit drugs right after I wrote my sermon for Sunday? He is a twisted individual who needs counseling and prayer.

First a quick story. Last summer I discovered a water hose attached to the hydrant at my church so I followed it into the woods. There was another hose attached to that and another to that and so on. 150 yards down in the woods I came upon a crop of tall plants I didn't recognize. Being the shrewd individual I am, I figured if someone was watering it, it must be valuable. I don't want nobody making money off of my church besides Jesus, so I cut the plants down and pulled them out on tarps and loaded 'em in my truck. Before I pulled out of the parking lot to go put them in the dump, my son in law drove up with a wild look on his face. He asked what I had in the truck and I told him. He took a look and his eyes got wide. "That's weed, Larry!" he exclaimed. How he knew this I do not know, but I took him at his questionable word. "That's evil stuff, we should burn it" I told him. Despite his pleas to let him get rid of it himself, we took it down to the gravel pit and set it ablaze. We stood there watching it for a few minutes and soon found that we just couldn't leave. We started laughing and joking for a while. That was the only day I enjoyed the company of my son-in-law, proving mary wanna is an evil, evil drug. Needless to say, we both gained about 10 pounds in the next couple of days.

Anyhoo, any song that pledges its love of this disreputable botanical project of Satan himself is not to be listened to more than once. Drugs are bad, thus saith the Lord. And a drug that comes from Mexico and other subpar nations must be reeking with germs and dirt and siesta bugs. No wonder mary wanna makes you lazy!

This Tool fella must have quite an addiction to the wacky weed if he feels the need to broadcast it to impressionable young Texans wearing skull t-shirts with bottle openers in the hems. How they have the energy to throw their fists in the air and shout "whoo" after "burning a blunt" escapes me. After my prior incident, I just laid on the couch watching Swamp People and eating pizza bites for 12 straight hours. My wife nearly called in an exorcist.

Also, Mr. O'Toole says the two items mentioned in the title are his "two favorite things." Really, Richie? Really? What about Jesus? Where does he rank on the list? What about the love of a good Christian woman? What about hard work? Surely one can't receive all the nutrients they need from a hot pepper and a puff on a "reefer."

This is yet another dispicable, dirty, feeble-minded country music song. Jesus wept again when this perverse drivel was written and sung in a studio.

Cheech and Chong are to be pitied, not to be held up as some sort of "cannabis" deities.

The jalapeno part I'm okay with. It takes a lot of hot sauce to make mama's cooking taste good. Can I get a Amen?

Anyway, another review another

Jul 10, 2011

Larry Lee Reviews The Pistol Annies

Do I even have to tell you that the title itself immediately presented me with a crisis of faith? I prayed over this song for a good hour the other day and no answer came. I took that as a "you're on your own" from the Big Guy.

Then I saw the cover of this single. Three comely young gals who appear to be holed up in a brothel awaiting their johns. Really, Trailer? You're already about to bust the gates of Hades wide open, why drag me with you?

Anyway, I came to the conclusion that I need to give this song a listen so I can warn the evil-doers who read this blog of the dangers it may present to their steady walk on the razor's edge.

"I done made the devil a deal" is a central statement in this deviant work of musical "art." Aside from their poor usage of grammar, they are telling us here that they buy wholesale into Satan's plan for overthrowing our one and true Savior as the King. And they plan to tell the already mindless masses of NASCAR dads, bridge-playing biddies and soccer moms who listen to country radio of their sinful ways, as if proud of their new proclivity.

And what exactly was this deal made by these hussies? Their very souls for sexual attractiveness that they will use to procure riches of this world from "sugar daddies." I'll be damned (Sorry Lord). Tres Harlots (as I will refer to them from hence) go down the list of men they've taken to the cleaners by offering their hoochie coo as barter.

Mrs. Blake Shelton even confesses doing the dirty deed with a married man. How apropo for this blonde floozy who has, in the past, sung of killing men, drinking wine and smoking cigarettes. There is already a pit in Hell with her name on a neon sign, just waiting.

Tres Harlots have lovely voices and they blend them very nicely. This is my only positive statement about this dreadful song. It's like a pile of cow feces presented in a nice shiny Walmart gift sack.

Diamond rings, GTOs, yachts... are any of these worth spreading your legs and accepting Satan's seed? No, they are not. Yet, Tres Harlots hold up these idols as greater than salvation.

I implore you to change the station to the lower FM stations to find some good Perrys or the Ball Brothers to cleanse your soul of this garbage.

Tres Strumpets gets an unquestioned



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