Showing posts with label Nickelback. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nickelback. Show all posts

Aug 12, 2022

Man Who Makes Sure You Know He’s Too Good for Country Music Adores Theory of a Deadman

Mr. Burns' "Best Songs Ever" playlist
Jesse Burns, 39, of Lowell, MA, has unparalleled taste in music and wants you to know so. “All country music sucks, so who cares? Only slack jawed Trumpers listen to that crap.” commented the divorced dad of two on a Farce the Music Facebook meme about country music. His comment received one thumbs up, 2 laughing faces, and 8 angry faces. 

The meme showed up in his timeline due to a former high school friend Jesse forgot to unfollow sharing it. Incensed that he should be reminded of the mere existence of country music, Mr. Burns made sure to make his high falutin opinion known to all. He has far too refined sensibilities for even one person on earth to think he could listen to the addle brained yawping of sister sexing hillbillies. 

“That shit blows ass,” said Burns when we sent him a PM asking politely for some explanation. “LOOOL, you need to get a life, f**king redneck.” Since we couldn’t get Burns to engage in a civil conversation about his disdain of country music, we decided to analyze his supposed stellar taste.

His Facebook profile page was partially public and a recent post bragged excitedly of getting tickets for the upcoming Louder Than Life festival in Kentucky. He specifically mentioned his excitement about seeing those paragons of music, Theory of a Deadman, for the 9th time. He was also hyped about Chevelle, Ghostemane, Sevendust, Pop Evil, Papa Roach, Shaman’s Harvest, and whoever Yungblud is. 

Clearly a man of unquestionable artistic preferences, Jesse Burns is far too intelligent and cultured for the inbred idiocy of Kris Kristofferson, or the uneducated foolishness of Merle Haggard, or the bland white trash stylings of Tammy Wynette. 

We also found Jesse’s public Spotify playlist entitled “Best Songs Ever.” Prominently featured are the aforementioned Theory of a Deadman who are definitely not a subpar Nickelback cover band. It also includes the stylings of Hinder, Saving Abel, and whatever a Crossfade is. Obviously this man is far too sophisticated for the moonshine swilling moronicness of Guy Clark, or the trailer park platitudes of Dolly Parton, or the barely literate ponderings of Tyler Childers. 

At press time, Jesse Burns was cursing at his ex-wife on the phone with a Sam Adams in hand, while Buckcherry blared in the background. But at least he doesn’t like country.

Mar 15, 2017

Charlotte Man Has Nation's Unparalleled Worst Taste in Music

Based on data and records illegally obtained from Tidal, Apple Music, YouTube, Spotify, CIA, FBI, NSA and other organizations, we've determined that Charlotte, NC, man Rence Tomkins has the nation's worst taste in music. It's so unsparingly derelict in fact, that we had to check, recheck, and cross-reference names and numbers out of sheer disbelief that anyone could possibly seemingly ONLY enjoy songs and artists the general public shares a visceral distaste for.

Neither genre nor era stood in the way of this man's apparent actual enjoyment of songs that have been roundly dismissed and ridiculed by the majority of people with working auditory organs.

An inconceivable vortex of shitty music consumption, Tomkins' recent Spotify listens include Nickelback's "Something in Your Mouth," Tyga's "Rack City," and Luke Bryan's "That's My Kind of Night." This unicorn of dumpster-fire art enjoyment has also purchased Afroman's "Because I Got High," a Fergie album, and Starship's "We Built This City" from iTunes in the past 3 weeks.

According to Tomkins' somehow real and not hacked Facebook page, he, in 2015, traveled 2,400 miles by car to see Rusted Root, and plans this year to attend a Florida-Georgia Line show with openers Nelly, Backstreet Boys, and Chris Lane. His profile photo features Rence passed out in a chair, clad only in swimtrunks and a Creed t-shirt.

The unfeasibly disagreeable digital paper trail leads next to YouTube, where Tomkins can be found on his lunch breaks watching lyric videos from the putrid Soulja Boy or defending the tone deaf Kane Brown from "haters" in the comments section. He has thumbed up the ungodly likes of "Macarena," "Achy Breaky Heart," "Red Solo Cup," (Desiigner's) "Panda," and anything by the Black Eyed Peas.

Calls to Tomkins went unanswered but we did note that he still used a ring-back tone and that it was, obviously, Hoobastank. In a thorough review of literally every odious song he'd ever listened to online, only Poison's "Unskinny Bop" rose to the level of merely "really bad."

At press time, Mr. Tomkins was singing the Chainsmokers' "Closer" into a spatula in front of his Samsung Microwave.

Dec 23, 2013

If ____ Wrote a Christmas Song 2013

If Brandy Clark Wrote a Christmas Song
Her husband cooked the turkey dry
And she ran out of Karo for pecan pie
and mama's arguing with daddy
So she rolled herself a fatty 

If Dallas Davidson Wrote a Christmas Song
You can be my Mrs. Claus
Big ol' present in short red draws
Climb up in my Chevy sleigh
Hand me a beer this Christmas day

If Megadeth Wrote a Christmas Song
From his fortress of white arctic doom
A fearsome man in a blood red suit
He's comin' for you
Incorruptible, indestructible
Riding on a neutron sleigh
Horned monsters pulling through the gray
He is on the way, ha ha haaaa

If Nickelback Wrote a Christmas Song
(You naughty girl)
You're dancing round the fireplace honey
(You dirty thing)
You shake your fruitcake for everyone
(You're such a bad girl)
I love how you have gifts for everybody
(So generous)
And tease them all by pulling on your bows
You're so much cooler when you give that thing a lick
Cause you look so much cuter sucking on a peppermint stick

If Kanye Wrote a Christmas Song
Hurry up with my damn presents
Don't act like I'm a damn peasant
Santa, watch me and take a lesson
I am a god


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