Oct 22, 2019
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Mar 15, 2017
Neither genre nor era stood in the way of this man's apparent actual enjoyment of songs that have been roundly dismissed and ridiculed by the majority of people with working auditory organs.
An inconceivable vortex of shitty music consumption, Tomkins' recent Spotify listens include Nickelback's "Something in Your Mouth," Tyga's "Rack City," and Luke Bryan's "That's My Kind of Night." This unicorn of dumpster-fire art enjoyment has also purchased Afroman's "Because I Got High," a Fergie album, and Starship's "We Built This City" from iTunes in the past 3 weeks.
According to Tomkins' somehow real and not hacked Facebook page, he, in 2015, traveled 2,400 miles by car to see Rusted Root, and plans this year to attend a Florida-Georgia Line show with openers Nelly, Backstreet Boys, and Chris Lane. His profile photo features Rence passed out in a chair, clad only in swimtrunks and a Creed t-shirt.
The unfeasibly disagreeable digital paper trail leads next to YouTube, where Tomkins can be found on his lunch breaks watching lyric videos from the putrid Soulja Boy or defending the tone deaf Kane Brown from "haters" in the comments section. He has thumbed up the ungodly likes of "Macarena," "Achy Breaky Heart," "Red Solo Cup," (Desiigner's) "Panda," and anything by the Black Eyed Peas.
Calls to Tomkins went unanswered but we did note that he still used a ring-back tone and that it was, obviously, Hoobastank. In a thorough review of literally every odious song he'd ever listened to online, only Poison's "Unskinny Bop" rose to the level of merely "really bad."
At press time, Mr. Tomkins was singing the Chainsmokers' "Closer" into a spatula in front of his Samsung Microwave.
Feb 16, 2017
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Dec 23, 2013
If Brandy Clark Wrote a Christmas Song
Her husband cooked the turkey dry
And she ran out of Karo for pecan pie
and mama's arguing with daddy
So she rolled herself a fatty
If Dallas Davidson Wrote a Christmas Song
You can be my Mrs. Claus
Big ol' present in short red draws
Climb up in my Chevy sleigh
Hand me a beer this Christmas day
If Megadeth Wrote a Christmas Song
From his fortress of white arctic doom
A fearsome man in a blood red suit
He's comin' for you
Riding on a neutron sleigh
Horned monsters pulling through the gray
He is on the way, ha ha haaaa
If Nickelback Wrote a Christmas Song
(You naughty girl)
You're dancing round the fireplace honey
(You dirty thing)
You shake your fruitcake for everyone
(You're such a bad girl)
I love how you have gifts for everybody
And tease them all by pulling on your bows
You're so much cooler when you give that thing a lick
Cause you look so much cuter sucking on a peppermint stick
If Kanye Wrote a Christmas Song
Hurry up with my damn presents
Don't act like I'm a damn peasant
Santa, watch me and take a lesson
I am a god
Nov 19, 2013
Jan 24, 2013
|Nickelback "Bottoms Up" Onesie. |
For the kid who's got everything ...but good parents.
|Florida-Georgia Line laptop bag. That's assuming Florida-Georgia Line|
fans know how to use a computer.
|Plies "Goon" Necklace. For classing up your job interview outfit.|
|The Farm "Farm Party" Hot Pants. Nothing says sexy|
like "hot pants" and "farm" in the same description!
|Jake Owen "fence art." I didn't know fence art was a thing.|
|This Hunter Hayes t-shirt transfer that features several photos of |
OH DEAR GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS HEAD?!?!
|"Sexy" and "vintage" Rascal Flatts shirt|
|Nicki Minaj "Life is Sweet" stripper heels|
|Puke. All over everything.|
|Yes, this is real....|
Taylor Swift Ex-Boyfriends Prayer Candle
Thanks to @n8van2 for bringing it to my attention.
|And finally....Stay classy, HER and Kings County!|