Untrue Facts About Toby Keith, Kristofferson, etc.

Monday Morning Memes: Florida-Georgia Line, WWE, Little Texas

The Six Least Anticipated Country Albums

Oh wait, that one's real...

The Crud Report: December 2017

Charlotte Man Has Nation's Unparalleled Worst Taste in Music

Based on data and records illegally obtained from Tidal, Apple Music, YouTube, Spotify, CIA, FBI, NSA and other organizations, we've determined that Charlotte, NC, man Rence Tomkins has the nation's worst taste in music. It's so unsparingly derelict in fact, that we had to check, recheck, and cross-reference names and numbers out of sheer disbelief that anyone could possibly seemingly ONLY enjoy songs and artists the general public shares a visceral distaste for.

Neither genre nor era stood in the way of this man's apparent actual enjoyment of songs that have been roundly dismissed and ridiculed by the majority of people with working auditory organs.

An inconceivable vortex of shitty music consumption, Tomkins' recent Spotify listens include Nickelback's "Something in Your Mouth," Tyga's "Rack City," and Luke Bryan's "That's My Kind of Night." This unicorn of dumpster-fire art enjoyment has also purchased Afroman's "Because I Got High," a Fergie album, and Starship's "We Built This City" from iTunes in the past 3 weeks.

According to Tomkins' somehow real and not hacked Facebook page, he, in 2015, traveled 2,400 miles by car to see Rusted Root, and plans this year to attend a Florida-Georgia Line show with openers Nelly, Backstreet Boys, and Chris Lane. His profile photo features Rence passed out in a chair, clad only in swimtrunks and a Creed t-shirt.

The unfeasibly disagreeable digital paper trail leads next to YouTube, where Tomkins can be found on his lunch breaks watching lyric videos from the putrid Soulja Boy or defending the tone deaf Kane Brown from "haters" in the comments section. He has thumbed up the ungodly likes of "Macarena," "Achy Breaky Heart," "Red Solo Cup," (Desiigner's) "Panda," and anything by the Black Eyed Peas.

Calls to Tomkins went unanswered but we did note that he still used a ring-back tone and that it was, obviously, Hoobastank. In a thorough review of literally every odious song he'd ever listened to online, only Poison's "Unskinny Bop" rose to the level of merely "really bad."

At press time, Mr. Tomkins was singing the Chainsmokers' "Closer" into a spatula in front of his Samsung Microwave.

Get a Brain! Morans

The Music That Shaped Tyler Hubbard's Life

*satire

FGL vs. Mr. Misunderstood

Album Warning Labels: FGL, Nickelback, Taylor Swift, etc.

 

Band Mashup: Joe Nichols + ?

Band Mashup: Nickelback Creek

If ____ Wrote a Christmas Song 2013

If Brandy Clark Wrote a Christmas Song

Her husband cooked the turkey dry

And she ran out of Karo for pecan pie

and mama's arguing with daddy

So she rolled herself a fatty 

If Dallas Davidson Wrote a Christmas Song

You can be my Mrs. Claus

Big ol' present in short red draws

Climb up in my Chevy sleigh

Hand me a beer this Christmas day

If Megadeth Wrote a Christmas Song

From his fortress of white arctic doom

A fearsome man in a blood red suit

He's comin' for you

Incorruptible, indestructible

Riding on a neutron sleigh

Horned monsters pulling through the gray

He is on the way, ha ha haaaa

If Nickelback Wrote a Christmas Song

(You naughty girl)

You're dancing round the fireplace honey

(You dirty thing)

You shake your fruitcake for everyone

(You're such a bad girl)

I love how you have gifts for everybody

(So generous)

And tease them all by pulling on your bows

You're so much cooler when you give that thing a lick

Cause you look so much cuter sucking on a peppermint stick

If Kanye Wrote a Christmas Song

Hurry up with my damn presents

Don't act like I'm a damn peasant

Santa, watch me and take a lesson

I am a god

Brand New Out Today!

I'm Sorry, This Exists - Jan. '13

Nickelback "Bottoms Up" Onesie.
For the kid who's got everything ...but good parents.

Florida-Georgia Line laptop bag. That's assuming Florida-Georgia Line
fans know how to use a computer.

OMG!!!!!

"Pontoon" t-shirt

Plies "Goon" Necklace. For classing up your job interview outfit.

The Farm "Farm Party" Hot Pants. Nothing says sexy
like "hot pants" and "farm" in the same description!

Jake Owen "fence art." I didn't know fence art was a thing.

This Hunter Hayes t-shirt transfer that features several photos of
OH DEAR GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO HIS HEAD?!?!

"Sexy" and "vintage" Rascal Flatts shirt

Nicki Minaj "Life is Sweet" stripper heels

Puke. All over everything.

Yes, this is real....
Taylor Swift Ex-Boyfriends Prayer Candle
Thanks to @n8van2 for bringing it to my attention.

And finally....Stay classy, HER and Kings County!

The What of Who?

Monday Morning Memes: Nickelback, Luke Bryan

Thanks to @ohbuffalo for this submission!

Detroit Rocks

...And this is why.

New Nickelback Album Cover Revealed!

Country Demotivational Posters 3