Showing posts with label Craig Morgan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Craig Morgan. Show all posts

Aug 22, 2012

Single Review: Craig Morgan - More Trucks Than Cars




I've reduced the lyrics of this song to the clich├ęs and really, there's not much else left.

city limit sign
Water tower, swimming holes
county fairs
biscuits, grits and gravy
hell yeah and amen, yeehaw, and y’all come back again
(soldiers)
Old Glory
trucks
them big city streets (referred to in negative context)
Ford truck, town square
raising our babies and our own green beans

They're just insulting the admittedly low intelligence of the average country radio listener at this point to put this stuff out over and over and over and over and over and over and over and not expect at least one person out there in Walmartica to think "Hey, isn't this the same song they played right before they played this song right after that ad about losing my stubborn belly fat?"

There's no point in reviewing something this insipid and uninspired. Would Apple put out a new iPhone without any new features? Does the '13 Camaro look and perform exactly like the '05? Does CBS just air the same episode of Big Bang Theory every Thursday at 8/7 Central and expect you not to notice? Nope, but the commercial country industry does that shit and they don't give a fried green f*ck what they're doing to the genre as long as you don't change the station and instead maybe get a snippet or two of one of those ads caught in your head. Bottom line is bottoming out country radio. I keep saying it can't go any lower, but they're doing a damn good job of scraping along the ruts.

F f'ing minus
(and for the record, that's without hearing the song even once)

May 24, 2012

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Craig Morgan - Corn Star


(Click title to listen)

I don't get it. Trailer usually sends me vulgar, atrocious songs. This isn't too bad at all. 

It's a celebration of a female corn farmer. Other than the descriptions of her in cut-off shorts and a bikini, there isn't anything here that would make a person think sinful thoughts. Don't get me wrong, putting the thoughts of a lovely country lady in tiny clothing in listeners' heads IS right there on the verge of causing your brother to stumble, but if you have a spotless mind like me, it's no big deal.

Every time I hear of a country girl in a bikini, I picture my wife stuffed in one like a pack of Thomasville sausages and don't feel any lust whatsoever. Much the opposite.

My son-in-law, Jerry, a Southern Baptist, keeps giggling every time I play this song, but I can't understand why. This is an honest, straight-forward ode to a hardworking midwestern farmer who just happens to be a comely young lady. I think Craig Morgan is to be applauded for sending out appreciation for the real people who keep this country going. What's funny about that, Jerry? 

He just asked if I was listening to the soundtrack of "Debbie Does Iowa." I don't catch his drift, but then, those Southern Baptists are a different sort altogether. They think it's okay to drink, so long as you don't speak to one another in the liquor store. 

There he goes again. What in hades is so funny? She's a corn star! 

Well, I'll end this review here. I'm still flabbergasted that Trailer sent me something that doesn't have premarital sex, smoking mary wanna, drinking or any other sinfulness in it. This is a great song that I would be proud to play to my own mother, rest her soul.

Shut up Jerry!

B+

Mar 20, 2012

reviewFAIL 3-20-12


Brantley Gilbert's cover of (the far more talented) Sean McConnell's "Lie Baby Lie"








Kip Moore - Somethin' 'Bout a Truck




Jan 26, 2012

Tracklist Predictions: Craig Morgan - This Ole Boy





In which, FTM attempts to predict what the songs will be about based on titles alone.


Craig Morgan - This Ole Boy will be released February 28th.



1. This Ole Boy
We've already heard the radio mix of this song, but the album version will feature Slash on guitar and a 2 minute shredding solo. There is also a dubstep remix in the works for the This Ole Boy: Deluxe Edition coming out in June.

2. More Trucks Than Cars
Co-written by Morgan (with Tim Nichols, Craig Wiseman, Rivers Rutherford, Brett Beavers, Chris Wallin and Rhett Akins), this song describes the scene in the parking lot at the 12th Annual Wife-Beaters Convention.

3. Whole World Needs A Kitchen 
In this sequel to Tracy Lawrence's "If the World Had a Front Porch," Craig solves the world's hunger problems by inventing a successor for the popular food truck, the giant kitchen truck. It's never explained how he'd pay for this or how the truck would cross bodies of water, but it's a nice thought.

4. Country Boys 
It's not what you think! It's not about all the specific preferences of boys who live in rural areas. It's not a laundry list of country-isms. It's not a rocked-up song parading as country. It's not…

...Okay, it is.

5. Show Me Your Tattoo 
A pick-up line for our generation. Slightly classier than "I'd like to check you for ticks" but heavily implying that surely there's a little permanent ink in a NSFW place. John Rich has been using this one for years, to varying effect.

6. Love Loves A Long Night 
Sounds like it might be a slow, sensuous "let's get it on" song, based on the title, but nay! It's about a hooker named Love who prefers Winter nights when her work hours are longer.

7. Being Alive And Living
Another inspirational song that in no way steals from "I Hope You Dance," "Living and Living Well" or "Live Like You Were Dying." Hahahahahahaha! that is some funny shit that you'd even think this wasn't a completely original idea. JUST IN: Nashville and LA songwriters running out of ideas..rushing to recycle each other's songs! Gimme a break. You've never heard anything this moving, so shut up.

8. Fish Weren't Bitin'
Why did we get drunk? Fish weren't bitin'. Why did we drive home drunk? Fish weren't bitin'. Why did we crash our truck into a trailer park that housed a meth lab, setting off an explosion whose fallout poisoned all local waterways for years to come? Fish weren't bitin'. And now they never will again. Co-written by Chris Knight.

9. Better Stories 
A song that namedrops Townes Van Zant, Steve Earle, Corb Lund, Johnny Cash, Merle Haggard and other artists whose songs tell "better stories" than Craig ever could.

10. I Don't Drink
Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist's first songwriting credit, this song decries the evils of strong drink and wine. Craig eventually goes on to lose his sponsorship with Anheuser-Busch, leaving him unable to tour, ending his career, making our ears very happy.

11. Corn Star
Not a pun song - well, okay it is, but it's about a porn actress whose signature move is ******* a corn cob in ******* until she ***** and then ******** it from a **** while a guy ****** on her ******. Hard to believe record execs greenlighted this one. Larry Lee sues to have his song removed from future pressings of the album.

12. Summer Moon
A song about how only country boys can actually enjoy a summer moon. It's a laundry list of fun things that can be done under a summer moon: cowtipping, rolling houses, sitting on jacked up trucks drinking shine, straining your eyes to see the girls in cutoff jeans, stealing copper from AC units and beating up city folk who claim to also enjoy the summer moon.

Feb 13, 2011

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews - Three Pack








Eric Church - Smoke a Little Smoke

It's probably beginning to look like Trailer only sends me the most sin-ridden of songs to review, all for the sake of controversy, but I don't believe that to be so. A quick look at the Bob Kingsley Countdown reveals trash such as this to be the rule and not the exception. A listener has about as much chance at hearing an uplifting song on country radio these days as a Methodist has at getting through the Pearly Gates. This particular song is only emblematic of the decay of society and our loosening mores. Mr. Church is at odds with his own last name singing this garbage pile of a song. My son-in-law Jerry, a Southern Baptist, tells me that this song is even more devious than it appears on the surface. He says it talks of smoking the Mary Wanna. How he recognizes this is a discussion for another day. Eric Church apparently does not believe in God or believes God to be a liar. God says we are to treat the body as a temple. If we are to trust the lyrical content of this song, Mr. Church treats his like an Ole Miss frat house. I am organizing the ladies' Bunco group and the men's softball team of our church to boycott any radio station that plays this horrendous tune. Any of our teens who have been exposed to it will undergo counseling and laying on of hands. As always, we will add the offender to our prayer list.

F


Miranda Lambert - Only Prettier

First of all, it may be a sin for a woman to play guitar. I'll be researching this in my Old Testament studies and will report back to you later on that. As country songs go these days, this one is a great deal less morally corrupt than most. However, that's like saying masturbation is a lesser sin than riverboat gambling. In this song's first line, Ms. Lambert claims salvation at the hands of Southern charm. Charm never saved a man or woman from the searing fires of hell. Beyond this, Miranda preaches a message of solidarity with people who want to fight her. Jesus would approve of this tenet, however, she ends this statement with "We're just like you, only prettier." Pride comes before a fall, Ms. Lambert. Basically this song is an insult disguised as a compliment. This reminds me of a phrase the ladies of my church are known to say in weaker moments: "Bless her heart." Trust me, if a woman is commenting on your attire or actions with "bless your heart," she does not wish the Lord's blessing upon you. She is pitying you and deciding which of her gossip friends she'll text first. These biddies have been forgiven, but I fear Miranda doesn't even realize her own inequity. This as she prepares to wed that most sinful of cads, Blake Shelton. As a preacher, I could not join these two in matrimony for fear of the Antichrist himself springing from their loins.

F


Craig Morgan - Still a Little Chicken Left on that Bone

This despicable song actually has the gall to hold up sinners as role models. A divorced woman! A pervert football player! All the while comparing them to fried chicken and Coca-Cola. I don't even fully understand that metaphor and I know it's wrong in the sight of the Lord. Also there's some devilish rock and roll guitars playing loudly throughout this ode to finding the tiniest bit of good left in a hellbound miscreant. While these evildoers may in fact be retrievable from those unpearly gates, one should not look to them as paragons of virtue. Write me a song after this harlot redeems her lifestyle - surely she ate of Satan's fruit, and after this ball player puts his pecker back in his Wrangler blue jeans and repents of his misdeeds. 1 John 5: 17 says "All unrighteousness is sin: and there is a sin not unto death. Verily, we shall only look upon righteousness as a virtue worth following. In summation: divorce and tallywhacker texts = damnation.

F

Jan 11, 2011

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews









This despicable song actually has the gall to hold up sinners as role models. A divorced woman! A pervert football player! All the while comparing them to fried chicken and Coca-Cola. I don't even fully understand that metaphor and I know it's wrong in the sight of the Lord. Also there's some devilish rock and roll guitars playing loudly throughout this ode to finding the tiniest bit of good left in a hellbound miscreant. While these evildoers may in fact be retrievable from those unpearly gates, one should not look to them as paragons of virtue. Write me a song after this harlot redeems her lifestyle - surely she ate of Satan's fruit, and after this ball player puts his pecker back in his Wrangler blue jeans and repents of his misdeeds. 1 John 5: 17 says "All unrighteousness is sin: and there is a sin not unto death." Verily, we shall only look upon righteousness as a virtue worth following. In summation: divorce and tallywhacker texts = damnation.

F

Nov 22, 2010

Still a Little Turkey Left on That Bone (parody lyric)

Just in time for Thanksgiving!

Still a Little Turkey Left on That Bone
(Parody of Craig Morgan's "Still a Little Chicken Left on That Bone")

It's two-oh-four, and the Lions just scored
Sick of Granny's stories, about to fill my plate with another course
I'm two-oh-nine, big-ass waist line,
Just about to make my move when, Uncle Randy said he thinks it's time
Just look at him now, sweat beads on his brow
He said it's about time to throw the Thanksgiving food out

But it ain't over if my pants still fit
Don't pour out that boat of gravy, the last of the dressing needs some on it
Little bit of pie that can't be tossed
Little bit of warm cranberry sauce
There might not be a lot of rolls left, they're almost gone
Still a little turkey left on that bone.

That jello mold, it might be old
But truth be told, there's still some taste in that melting dome
Got a glare from mother, cause she knows that I'll suffer
I’ll twist and yank my pants and complain, I'll be full as John Holmes' rubber.

But it ain't over if my pants still fit
Don't pour out that boat of gravy, the last of the dressing needs some on it
Little bit of green bean casserole
Little bit of ham to feed my hole
There might not be a lot of cake left, it's almost gone
Still a little turkey left on that bone.

Got macaroni and cheese, got pistachio pudding,
Weight I'll have to lose? Ha ha… good one!

But it ain't over till my belt don't fit
Don't pour out that boat of gravy, the last of the dressing needs some on it
Little bit of munching left to do
Little bit of gristle left to chew
There might not be a lot of rolls left, yep they're gone
Still a little turkey left on that bone.

Nov 14, 2010

Top Ten Shortest Books by Country Artists II

10. How to Stay Out of the Public Eye - by Billy Ray Cyrus

09. An Illustrated Guide to My Sleeved Wardrobe - by Kenny Chesney

08. Time Spent on Craig Wiseman's Table - an autobiography by the late McDouble with cheese

07. Avoiding Douchebaggery and General Mayhem - by John Rich

06. Songs I Wouldn't Cut - by Craig Morgan

05. Staying Clean: A Guide to Sexual Health and Responsibility - by Trent Tomlinson

04. Growing Your 401K the Sammy Way - by Sammy Kershaw

03. How to Be a Real Outlaw - by Jason Aldean

02. I Pledge Allegiance to Country: Our Love of Tradition - by Sugarland

01. How to Be a Realer Outlaw... Dammit - by Eric Church

Nov 9, 2010

Skip Black: The Farce the Music Interview

Skip Black is an acquaintance of FTM, a songwriter for Monument/Sony ATV and an enjoyer of fermented beverages out of North Carolina who recently got his first major songwriting cut with Craig Morgan's new single "Still a Little Chicken Left on That Bone." (Available here also)

Today, Farce the Music sits down with Skip for a serious and insightful discussion of songwriting, modern country and his premature baldness.


FTM: So what is "Skip" short for? Skippy? Skipford?

Skip: Skipper..my parents were real big fans of Gilligans Island!

FTM: Soo, just how much chicken IS left on that bone?

Skip: Are you being perverted? I feel uncomfortable answering this question.

FTM: As you should. How did you get your start in songwriting? Was the North Carolina moonshine industry not working out for you?

Skip: Well my daddy ran shine and my mom washed clothes for all the local upper class. We lived in a plywood house on the outer edge of the county line. My daddy found an old piano string in the junkyard one day when he was out looking for food. He brought it home and we nailed it to the front porch post and I noticed you could get some cool sounds out of it...oooh crap that's BB Kings story.

FTM: Right. Describe your process a little for me.

Skip: Usually we start with a Vodka and Redbull drink at 10am...then we drink a beer or 3 at noon..oh you mean the songwriting process...we just throw a bunch of stupid metaphors into a crock pot and end up with a simile.

FTM: No Skip, the process of making 'shine. Anybody can write a country song. Tell me about that sweet, sweet corn mash.

Skip: Oh well you have to have some copper and some overalls.

FTM: What was your costume for Halloween? Columbo? Mr. Clean?

Skip: Actually I bought some tattoo sleeves, a long wig and I went as Axl Rose. Last year I talked about "change" and filled my pockets up with change and had the people eating out of my hands..I just never used the change...though I did spend alot of money..I held on to the "change" that I talked so much about...who was I? I was Pres Obama!

FTM: So Mr. Big-time Songwriter, what are you going to buy with your first million-dollar royalty check?

Skip: Pay off my trailer and add some underpinning to help out in those cold winters!

FTM: Me, I'd buy the world's first quadruple-wide trailer. With HD TV's in every room and Natty Ice on tap!

Skip: Actually my uncle already has a quadruple-wide...he bought 2 double-wides and welded them together with some angle iron.

FTM: You've written a lot of redneck songs in your time. Are you pissed at Gretchen Wilson for making "redneck" a dirty word in Nashville?

Skip: No cause up here we just change it to "backwoods" or "good ol boy" or as AJ coined it "Country Boy"...we just use all the same stuff like tailgates, lift kits, and gun racks and just avoid using the word "redneck"...the listeners never even notice.

FTM: Name some of the esteemed co-writers you've worked at in your time (ahem, ahem....).

Skip: I written with Joe Leathers, Chuck Allen Floyd, Matt Nolen, Trent Jeffcoat, Brian Maher, Ken Johnson, Catt Gravitt, Nicole Witt, Mark D Sanders, Ed Hill, Kris Bergnes, Shane Minor, Lee Brice, and Kyle Jacobs just to name a few...actually they all let me sit in the room while they wrote a song...dude what's with the cough?

FTM: No, but uh, I think you failed to mention one of your co-writers who went on to be a uh, "well known" blogger, ha ha.

Skip: Um, are you referring to yourself?? I think I may have gave you some songwriting lessons before..was it one of those "pay to write with a hit writer" things? Yeah that's what it was! You paid me to write a few songs with you...actually you still owe me for that one that band from Texas recorded! Where's my hundred dollars?

FTM: Uh, nevermind.. but hey, don't forget the people you stepped on during your upward climb when you're on your way back down, boss... Anyhow, next question. Outside the obvious Taylor Dayne and Hillary Duff, who are some of your influences?

Skip: Edbassmaster and Jack Vale really are huge influences..then there's Jack Daniels and George Dickel

FTM: Your buddy Joe Leathers got to write with Guy-freaking-Clark to pen a song for his and Kenny Chesney's albums. How do you hide your jealousy when you're around ol' Joe these days?

Skip: I usually just avoid Joe all together because it's so hard to fit both of our egos into one room..plus he's jealous of my biceps so that offsets my jealousy.

FTM: Have you read some of the venomous reviews of the Craig Morgan single (Still a Little Chicken Left on That Bone) that you cowrote and if so, should multiple bloggers (Jim Malec, Kevin John Coyne, etc) be on the lookout for an angry baldheaded songwriter in their rearview mirrors?

Skip: What reviews? I don't read any of those lame songwriter wannabe sites so I'm not sure what you're talking about...I'm too busy counting my royalties!

FTM: I criticize and make a lot of fun of commercial country music on this blog. Will you toe the corporate line and tell me country radio is a perfect, wonderful product or be honest and say what a massive putrid, rotting, black hole of a sewage lagoon it has become?

Skip: Actually I don't listen to country music. I listen to over -produced, pitch corrected, slick songs that sound contrived and that are written specifically to appeal to a certain demographic that was pin-pointed by a dozen guys in a conference room wearing business suits...oh shit! I guess I do listen to country music!

FTM: Huh, that's interesting. What's your checking account number? You can tell me off the record.

Skip: My wife won't give me that info.

FTM: Well, you were just being so open, I figured I'd give it a shot.

Skip: The only thing I'm about to open is a 12 ounce!

FTM: Good call, Mr. Black. Next question: What sort of music do you listen to for actual enjoyment?

Skip: I listen to Slipknot, Cradle of Filth, and Fear Factory.

FTM: Rock on. I would have put money on Katy Perry. Actually I still would... I'd happily slide a few dollar bills into her... um, nevermind.

So, what level of success do you need to reach before you quit your day job at Dollar Tree?

Skip: Actually I just made manager there so I may stick around for the insurance and 401K.

FTM: Fair enough. Well now, Skipford, it's time for the lightning round!

How many beers does it take for you to do RuPaul karaoke?

Skip: As many as you'll buy me

FTM: Last game you ate.

Skip: Possum

FTM: I meant like Scrabble tiles or something. But, cool. Tupac or Biggie?

Skip: Monopoly

FTM: Who would win in a wrestling match: you or Kye Flemming?

Skip: I already beat her in thumb wrestling so you decide

FTM: Your favorite episode of the Brady Bunch.

Skip: The one where I grabbed the remote and turned it

FTM: Have you ever ghermed (Kellie Pickler's beau and writer of Garth's massive hit "More Than a Memory") Kyle Jacobs?

Skip: All the time

FTM: If you could share a meal with any 4 famous people, dead or alive, would you take them to McDonald's or What-a-Burger?

Skip: What-a-Burger cause their fries rock!

FTM: Man, I really think you should pitch "Strangers" to somebody again, Jason Aldean could do it right... that's a damn good song, if I do say so myself, and my car needs new tires, and...

Skip: That's not really a question... wait, that's the song you owe me $100 for!

FTM: Right. Uh, what singer would you most like to have sing one of your songs?

Skip: William Hung or that Pants on The Ground guy.

FTM: I can respect that.
Well, thanks a lot Skippy, I have really enjoyed our conversation here. Good luck with your new song and I'll raise a few Natty Ices tonight to you having many more cuts in the future.

Skip: Thank you for using my name to help boost your blog! Now how do I get paid?

FTM: Uh, wait till the 15th and I'll see what I can do.

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