Showing posts with label Craig Morgan. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Craig Morgan. Show all posts

Nov 6, 2019

The Billboard Country Top 30 (In My Perfect World)


Yeah yeah. One of you’s thinking “miRanDA laMBeRt sUcKS!” And one of you’s thinking “Where’s Jimmy Bob Reynolds and the Pork-loins (or insert actual artist you enjoy or that I too enjoy and just didn’t put on here)?” This is my perfect world, where Americana, red dirt, and even some pop country live in perfect harmony and give mainstream radio variety and depth. Even if you disagree with a lot of these songs, you have to admit it’d sure be better than the real world’s current country chart.



Aug 22, 2012

Single Review: Craig Morgan - More Trucks Than Cars




I've reduced the lyrics of this song to the clich├ęs and really, there's not much else left.

city limit sign
Water tower, swimming holes
county fairs
biscuits, grits and gravy
hell yeah and amen, yeehaw, and y’all come back again
(soldiers)
Old Glory
trucks
them big city streets (referred to in negative context)
Ford truck, town square
raising our babies and our own green beans

They're just insulting the admittedly low intelligence of the average country radio listener at this point to put this stuff out over and over and over and over and over and over and over and not expect at least one person out there in Walmartica to think "Hey, isn't this the same song they played right before they played this song right after that ad about losing my stubborn belly fat?"

There's no point in reviewing something this insipid and uninspired. Would Apple put out a new iPhone without any new features? Does the '13 Camaro look and perform exactly like the '05? Does CBS just air the same episode of Big Bang Theory every Thursday at 8/7 Central and expect you not to notice? Nope, but the commercial country industry does that shit and they don't give a fried green f*ck what they're doing to the genre as long as you don't change the station and instead maybe get a snippet or two of one of those ads caught in your head. Bottom line is bottoming out country radio. I keep saying it can't go any lower, but they're doing a damn good job of scraping along the ruts.

F f'ing minus
(and for the record, that's without hearing the song even once)

May 24, 2012

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews: Craig Morgan - Corn Star


(Click title to listen)

I don't get it. Trailer usually sends me vulgar, atrocious songs. This isn't too bad at all. 

It's a celebration of a female corn farmer. Other than the descriptions of her in cut-off shorts and a bikini, there isn't anything here that would make a person think sinful thoughts. Don't get me wrong, putting the thoughts of a lovely country lady in tiny clothing in listeners' heads IS right there on the verge of causing your brother to stumble, but if you have a spotless mind like me, it's no big deal.

Every time I hear of a country girl in a bikini, I picture my wife stuffed in one like a pack of Thomasville sausages and don't feel any lust whatsoever. Much the opposite.

My son-in-law, Jerry, a Southern Baptist, keeps giggling every time I play this song, but I can't understand why. This is an honest, straight-forward ode to a hardworking midwestern farmer who just happens to be a comely young lady. I think Craig Morgan is to be applauded for sending out appreciation for the real people who keep this country going. What's funny about that, Jerry? 

He just asked if I was listening to the soundtrack of "Debbie Does Iowa." I don't catch his drift, but then, those Southern Baptists are a different sort altogether. They think it's okay to drink, so long as you don't speak to one another in the liquor store. 

There he goes again. What in hades is so funny? She's a corn star! 

Well, I'll end this review here. I'm still flabbergasted that Trailer sent me something that doesn't have premarital sex, smoking mary wanna, drinking or any other sinfulness in it. This is a great song that I would be proud to play to my own mother, rest her soul.

Shut up Jerry!

B+

Mar 20, 2012

reviewFAIL 3-20-12


Brantley Gilbert's cover of (the far more talented) Sean McConnell's "Lie Baby Lie"








Kip Moore - Somethin' 'Bout a Truck




Jan 26, 2012

Tracklist Predictions: Craig Morgan - This Ole Boy





In which, FTM attempts to predict what the songs will be about based on titles alone.


Craig Morgan - This Ole Boy will be released February 28th.



1. This Ole Boy
We've already heard the radio mix of this song, but the album version will feature Slash on guitar and a 2 minute shredding solo. There is also a dubstep remix in the works for the This Ole Boy: Deluxe Edition coming out in June.

2. More Trucks Than Cars
Co-written by Morgan (with Tim Nichols, Craig Wiseman, Rivers Rutherford, Brett Beavers, Chris Wallin and Rhett Akins), this song describes the scene in the parking lot at the 12th Annual Wife-Beaters Convention.

3. Whole World Needs A Kitchen 
In this sequel to Tracy Lawrence's "If the World Had a Front Porch," Craig solves the world's hunger problems by inventing a successor for the popular food truck, the giant kitchen truck. It's never explained how he'd pay for this or how the truck would cross bodies of water, but it's a nice thought.

4. Country Boys 
It's not what you think! It's not about all the specific preferences of boys who live in rural areas. It's not a laundry list of country-isms. It's not a rocked-up song parading as country. It's not…

...Okay, it is.

5. Show Me Your Tattoo 
A pick-up line for our generation. Slightly classier than "I'd like to check you for ticks" but heavily implying that surely there's a little permanent ink in a NSFW place. John Rich has been using this one for years, to varying effect.

6. Love Loves A Long Night 
Sounds like it might be a slow, sensuous "let's get it on" song, based on the title, but nay! It's about a hooker named Love who prefers Winter nights when her work hours are longer.

7. Being Alive And Living
Another inspirational song that in no way steals from "I Hope You Dance," "Living and Living Well" or "Live Like You Were Dying." Hahahahahahaha! that is some funny shit that you'd even think this wasn't a completely original idea. JUST IN: Nashville and LA songwriters running out of ideas..rushing to recycle each other's songs! Gimme a break. You've never heard anything this moving, so shut up.

8. Fish Weren't Bitin'
Why did we get drunk? Fish weren't bitin'. Why did we drive home drunk? Fish weren't bitin'. Why did we crash our truck into a trailer park that housed a meth lab, setting off an explosion whose fallout poisoned all local waterways for years to come? Fish weren't bitin'. And now they never will again. Co-written by Chris Knight.

9. Better Stories 
A song that namedrops Townes Van Zant, Steve Earle, Corb Lund, Johnny Cash, Merle Haggard and other artists whose songs tell "better stories" than Craig ever could.

10. I Don't Drink
Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist's first songwriting credit, this song decries the evils of strong drink and wine. Craig eventually goes on to lose his sponsorship with Anheuser-Busch, leaving him unable to tour, ending his career, making our ears very happy.

11. Corn Star
Not a pun song - well, okay it is, but it's about a porn actress whose signature move is ******* a corn cob in ******* until she ***** and then ******** it from a **** while a guy ****** on her ******. Hard to believe record execs greenlighted this one. Larry Lee sues to have his song removed from future pressings of the album.

12. Summer Moon
A song about how only country boys can actually enjoy a summer moon. It's a laundry list of fun things that can be done under a summer moon: cowtipping, rolling houses, sitting on jacked up trucks drinking shine, straining your eyes to see the girls in cutoff jeans, stealing copper from AC units and beating up city folk who claim to also enjoy the summer moon.

Feb 13, 2011

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews - Three Pack








Eric Church - Smoke a Little Smoke

It's probably beginning to look like Trailer only sends me the most sin-ridden of songs to review, all for the sake of controversy, but I don't believe that to be so. A quick look at the Bob Kingsley Countdown reveals trash such as this to be the rule and not the exception. A listener has about as much chance at hearing an uplifting song on country radio these days as a Methodist has at getting through the Pearly Gates. This particular song is only emblematic of the decay of society and our loosening mores. Mr. Church is at odds with his own last name singing this garbage pile of a song. My son-in-law Jerry, a Southern Baptist, tells me that this song is even more devious than it appears on the surface. He says it talks of smoking the Mary Wanna. How he recognizes this is a discussion for another day. Eric Church apparently does not believe in God or believes God to be a liar. God says we are to treat the body as a temple. If we are to trust the lyrical content of this song, Mr. Church treats his like an Ole Miss frat house. I am organizing the ladies' Bunco group and the men's softball team of our church to boycott any radio station that plays this horrendous tune. Any of our teens who have been exposed to it will undergo counseling and laying on of hands. As always, we will add the offender to our prayer list.

F


Miranda Lambert - Only Prettier

First of all, it may be a sin for a woman to play guitar. I'll be researching this in my Old Testament studies and will report back to you later on that. As country songs go these days, this one is a great deal less morally corrupt than most. However, that's like saying masturbation is a lesser sin than riverboat gambling. In this song's first line, Ms. Lambert claims salvation at the hands of Southern charm. Charm never saved a man or woman from the searing fires of hell. Beyond this, Miranda preaches a message of solidarity with people who want to fight her. Jesus would approve of this tenet, however, she ends this statement with "We're just like you, only prettier." Pride comes before a fall, Ms. Lambert. Basically this song is an insult disguised as a compliment. This reminds me of a phrase the ladies of my church are known to say in weaker moments: "Bless her heart." Trust me, if a woman is commenting on your attire or actions with "bless your heart," she does not wish the Lord's blessing upon you. She is pitying you and deciding which of her gossip friends she'll text first. These biddies have been forgiven, but I fear Miranda doesn't even realize her own inequity. This as she prepares to wed that most sinful of cads, Blake Shelton. As a preacher, I could not join these two in matrimony for fear of the Antichrist himself springing from their loins.

F


Craig Morgan - Still a Little Chicken Left on that Bone

This despicable song actually has the gall to hold up sinners as role models. A divorced woman! A pervert football player! All the while comparing them to fried chicken and Coca-Cola. I don't even fully understand that metaphor and I know it's wrong in the sight of the Lord. Also there's some devilish rock and roll guitars playing loudly throughout this ode to finding the tiniest bit of good left in a hellbound miscreant. While these evildoers may in fact be retrievable from those unpearly gates, one should not look to them as paragons of virtue. Write me a song after this harlot redeems her lifestyle - surely she ate of Satan's fruit, and after this ball player puts his pecker back in his Wrangler blue jeans and repents of his misdeeds. 1 John 5: 17 says "All unrighteousness is sin: and there is a sin not unto death. Verily, we shall only look upon righteousness as a virtue worth following. In summation: divorce and tallywhacker texts = damnation.

F

Jan 11, 2011

Larry Lee the Primitive Baptist Reviews









This despicable song actually has the gall to hold up sinners as role models. A divorced woman! A pervert football player! All the while comparing them to fried chicken and Coca-Cola. I don't even fully understand that metaphor and I know it's wrong in the sight of the Lord. Also there's some devilish rock and roll guitars playing loudly throughout this ode to finding the tiniest bit of good left in a hellbound miscreant. While these evildoers may in fact be retrievable from those unpearly gates, one should not look to them as paragons of virtue. Write me a song after this harlot redeems her lifestyle - surely she ate of Satan's fruit, and after this ball player puts his pecker back in his Wrangler blue jeans and repents of his misdeeds. 1 John 5: 17 says "All unrighteousness is sin: and there is a sin not unto death." Verily, we shall only look upon righteousness as a virtue worth following. In summation: divorce and tallywhacker texts = damnation.

F

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