Local moron Jaxon Ward thinks women are themselves to blame for country radio not playing them in great number in recent years. "Their songs are terrible," said the shitbird, 23, taking a puff from his gun-shaped vape mod. "They don't even use snap beats that much."
Ward, a huge fan of male-sung songs with "girl" in the title, explained that women just aren't making good enough songs for radio these days. "Look, I'm all about equal sex or whatever, but how can these chicks compete with songs about hooking up with chicks?" he laughed vacantly. "I mean there was that lesbian song from Little Big Town a couple years ago but that was perverted."
Based on which country chart you follow, solo women artists comprise between 5-10% of the total artists at any given time lately. There has been much discussion and consternation about this topic over the past couple years with little agreement on how to fix the problem or for some, if that even is a problem.
"I could care less. When they start putting out kickass songs then we'll talk," brayed the jackass, completely unaware of the existence of Ashley McBryde and Kacey Musgraves. "The ones I've heard are all shrieking about an ex or being shrill about wanting to be able to vote or something; it's really cringy. Why can't they put out cool shit like "Feels Like a Party" or "Bitches?""
At press time, the "single but always slinging pipe" Ward, was blasting Moonshine Bandits from his jacked up truck at a stoplight while staring down the top of the mom in the car beside him.
These aren't necessarily in order, but they hit a lot of the high points of last night's program.
Oh and, HELL YEAH CHRIS STAPLETON!!!!! (he won Best New Artist, Best Album, and Best Male Vocalist, if you were unaware)
If Chris Stapleton doesn't win all the awards tonight, we riot. #CMAawards
I got to re-flush Hate to admit it but Pooped in a big rush Ain't going down I grabbed the plunger And pushed it down under And still I feel strong hunger Could eat me a cow
I want to taste french fries Yeah, 'cause they taste like grease I want to drown myself In a bottle of Texas Pete I want more chili dogs I want more cabbage soup Yeah, 'cause for sure then I'd really let it loose I got to re-flush I got to re-flush
I don't Beano beans I don't Beano greens Thinking about food Under my fat jeans The way that it's whispering The way that it's pulling me in Lord knows I've tried I can't get it off my mind
I want to taste french fries Yeah, 'cause they taste like grease I want to drown myself In a bottle of Texas Pete I want more chili dogs I want more cabbage soup Yeah, 'cause for sure then I'd really let it loose I got to re-flush I got to re-flush Hate to admit it but Pooped in a big rush Ain't going down
Tim McGraw - Diamond Rings and Old Barstools
McGraw continues his hot streak of great country songs that are actually country with "Diamond Rings and Old Barstools." Whether it was the failure of his attempts at bro-relevancy a couple years back or an honest journey back to rootsy authentic (for this day) country that led him to this point, I don't care - the results are what matter, and this is a killer tune. A smoky atmosphere, throwback imagery, twang, great harmonies from Catherine Dunn, and a classic honky-tonk ballad sound blend this into a modern-day gem. Sure, Tim will have to throw some party songs or "I'm southern" anthems back into the mix at some point to keep his slot on radio, but for now, I'm enjoying the hell out of this era. A-
Mickey Guyton - Better Than You Left Me
A bright new light on the scene, Guyton has been compared to Carrie Underwood's big-voiced pop-country stylings. It's a fair reference, but Mickey may be more appealing to those like me who prefer traditional leanings, because she's got a bit more grit in her throat. She must also have some strong gumption, leading off with a bittersweet single that never mentions going out at night nor loving dude-bros nor wishing to judge her worth on the whims of a man. It's a strong, uplifting song that though pop-country, doles out just as much of the latter part of that genre name as the former. I'm excited to see where she goes from here. B+
Little Big Town - Girl Crush
Even if I didn't like this song, I'd probably force myself to like it just for the effect it has/had on people who: 1)don't listen to lyrics 2)don't understand lyrics 3)just want an excuse to type the word "lezbo" on Twitter or Facebook. "Girl Crush" is just the sort of smartly-written, organic-sounding song radio needs in an era of slackjaws singing the virtues of mud on $50k trucks and banging country girls by a bonfire. The vocal performance is stunning, even more so live. It's a bit too safe-sounding for me to give it a higher grade, but it's a solid tune, that caught on by hook and crook and goaded controversy. Not that it doesn't deserve to be a hit - it just sucks that there has to be viral chicanery involved to get an intelligent song noticed these days. B
3 Down
Michael Ray - Kiss You in the Morning
Man-meat with permanent five o'clock shadow and a good voice sings female-friendly song about night and kissing and love and partying. Lather, rinse, repeat. Ray actually has a better voice than many of his cohorts, and if applied to better… okay, if applied to way better material, he might be someone to keep an eye on. For now, the only eyes (and ears) on him are from lustful ladies (and a few guys) and people who don't care what's on the radio as long as it's not challenging or twangy. This isn't. D+
Florida-Georgia Line - Sippin' On Fire
The fact that this song is far better than their previous single is misleading. "Sun Daze" was one of the most excremental country singles ever from one of the worst radio artists to ever exist, so 'far better' is no compliment. "Sippin' on Fire" is a down-tuned, hookless mess that exists only to give Brian and Tyler a reason to sip their beloved Fireball on stage during a song. It features auto-tune, lyrics borrowed from their own repertoire, convincing a girl to cheat on her boyfriend, and not a shred of anything you might call "art." F
Cole Swindell - Let Me See Ya Girl
Cole took a step toward adequacy with his previous single, "Ain't Worth the Whiskey," earning at least 'guilty pleasure' status from many who'd shunned his earlier radio tunes. While I didn't care for it, it was at least a hint that there might be a little more to Swindell than trucks and being dopey. Alas. Bro country is dead; long live bro country. "Let Me See Ya Girl" is so filled with cliche and signifiers from the "sup dawg?" crowd that it could pass as one of FTM's satire lyrics. It will have all the 16-22 year old females who frequently exclaim "I'm sooo drunk" rocking them cutoffs with their feet on the dash for their boyfriends all summer with the windows down and Hank cranked and blah blah tailgate, shake it, drink, taste of her lips, blah blah. Crap. D-
I gotta man crush, I can't deny it and He thrills me so much, can't settle down I need it like that, want everything he's got That grin and the chiseled bod he’s givin’ you now
I wanna hold his hand, yeah, go where it has gone I wanna drown myself in a bottle of his Axe cologne I want his stubbled chin, I want his sculpted butt Yeah, ‘cause I know then, you’d want me just as much I gotta man crush, I gotta man crush
I don’t get no rest, No I'm always stressed Thinkin’ about him getting undressed The way he is pleasin', all that heavy breathin' Lord knows I’ve strained, I can’t get him off my brain
I wanna hold his hand, yeah, go where it has gone I wanna drown myself in a bottle of his Axe cologne I want his stubbled chin, I want his sculpted butt Yeah, ‘cause I know then, you’d want me just as much I gotta man crush, I gotta man crush
I gotta man crush, I can't deny it and He thrills me so much, can't settle down
