New Video / Hailey Whitters / "Fillin' My Cup"

Women Not Making Good Enough Songs, Explains Dumbass

Jaxon Ward, local tool

Local moron Jaxon Ward thinks women are themselves to blame for country radio not playing them in great number in recent years. "Their songs are terrible," said the shitbird, 23, taking a puff from his gun-shaped vape mod. "They don't even use snap beats that much."

Ward, a huge fan of male-sung songs with "girl" in the title, explained that women just aren't making good enough songs for radio these days. "Look, I'm all about equal sex or whatever, but how can these chicks compete with songs about hooking up with chicks?" he laughed vacantly. "I mean there was that lesbian song from Little Big Town a couple years ago but that was perverted." 

Based on which country chart you follow, solo women artists comprise between 5-10% of the total artists at any given time lately. There has been much discussion and consternation about this topic over the past couple years with little agreement on how to fix the problem or for some, if that even is a problem. 

"I could care less. When they start putting out kickass songs then we'll talk," brayed the jackass, completely unaware of the existence of Ashley McBryde and Kacey Musgraves. "The ones I've heard are all shrieking about an ex or being shrill about wanting to be able to vote or something; it's really cringy. Why can't they put out cool shit like "Feels Like a Party" or "Bitches?"" 

At press time, the "single but always slinging pipe" Ward, was blasting Moonshine Bandits from his jacked up truck at a stoplight while staring down the top of the mom in the car beside him.

More Monday Morning Memes: Taste of Country, Little Big Town, etc.

Face Shrinking Country Singers

Face shrinking was a popular meme 3 years ago, but we don't care. 

Why? Why do we do anything?

Country TwitterFAIL: February 2016

NSFW

49th CMA Awards: Snarky Twitter Wrap-Up

These aren't necessarily in order, but they hit a lot of the high points of last night's program.
Oh and, HELL YEAH CHRIS STAPLETON!!!!! (he won Best New Artist, Best Album, and Best Male Vocalist, if you were unaware)

If Chris Stapleton doesn't win all the awards tonight, we riot. #CMAawards

— Reginald Spears (@ReginaldSpears) November 4, 2015

STAPLETON/TIMBERLAKE 2016 🇺🇸🎤 #CMAawards

— Southern Girl Charm (@southrngirlchrm) November 5, 2015

My daughter just made the "confused girl in the carseat" face when FGL came on. #CMAAwards

— Farce the Music (@Farcethemusic) November 5, 2015

What is a Sam Hunt and how do you make it stop?

— NotKennyRogers (@NotKennyRogers) November 5, 2015

When I was a kid I walked in on my parents fucking. I enjoyed it more than this Sam Hunt song. #CMAawards

— Wheeler Walker, Jr. (@WheelerWalkerJr) November 5, 2015

Is #SamHunt reciting his boyhood diary as a joke, or is this actually passable as "country" music by today's standards? #CMAAwards

— We Hate Pop Country (@WHPCOfficial) November 5, 2015

Sam Hunt is what happens when I download the T-Pain AutoTune app at 3 am after 6 hours at Walt's

— Cole Cassis (@ColeCasstastic) November 5, 2015

Eric Church just name checked Elvis Costello and Jeff Tweedy on the new album title track. Take my money, thanks.

— Craig Jenkins (@CraigSJ) November 5, 2015

That's Uncle Bobby language for "I like Kacey Musgraves" hahaha and it's hard to get that man's approval. pic.twitter.com/vUtwsdabuY

— Caitlin Josephine (@Cati_Jolyn) November 5, 2015

If #dimestorecameltoe doesn't start trending immediately, I'm going to be so disappointed in you Twitter. #cmawards

— Rawhide & Velvet (@rawhidevelvet) November 5, 2015

I wish Thomas Rhett and Fall Out Boy would come down with a case of swamp ass

— Justin Hanna (@just1hanna) November 5, 2015

@Farcethemusic why do you need a belt for skinny jeans? Don't they hold themselves up?

— Mark Breunig (@biggerging82) November 5, 2015

'Sure Gonna Know We Were Here' is Aldean's very worst song. What utter idiocy. All his hubris distilled into 3 minutes. #CMAawards

— Grady Smith (@gradywsmith) November 5, 2015

Y'all enjoy the CMA awards while you can, and by that I mean "before Earl Dibbles Jr. wins one."

— Charlie Stout (@charliestout) November 5, 2015

Inner monologue: WHEN IS THE BEAT GONNA DROP? https://t.co/Ec8MNui4Sr

— HuskerGuy (@thehuskerguy) November 5, 2015

Who does #RonnieDunn's plastic surgery? I wanna make sure I avoid them. #CMAawards

— Forrest Jenkins (@forrest_jenkins) November 5, 2015

This is a special moment for ALL of country music. What a talent. What a story. What a man. #CMAawards

— Jason Scott (@JasontheScott) November 5, 2015

Somewhere, Scott Borchetta is trying to figure out what size skinny jeans Chris Stapleton would wear. #CMAs

— Robert Groves (@FiveOLetsGo) November 5, 2015

My favorite celebrity Halloween costume was most certainly Sam Hunt as Wednesday Adams #CMAawards @Farcethemusic

— Tabitha Nicholson (@tabithanichol1) November 5, 2015

How many shallow morons are crying their eyes out right now because some beardy dude beat their beautiful idols?

— Farce the Music (@Farcethemusic) November 5, 2015

Congrats @ChrisStapleton you are ruling so hard. Your Tennessee Whiskey duet with JT was bad ass too dude.

— Shooter Jennings (@ShooterJennings) November 5, 2015

I want to thank FGL for stopping by American Eagle to pick up their new outfits for tonight. #CMAawards

— Nikki Thomas (@NikkiThomas103) November 5, 2015

Luke Bryan wins the CMA for Bad Rapping Middle Aged White Guy of the Year. #CMAawards

— Saving Country Music (@The_Triggerman) November 5, 2015

The most revolutionary thing you can do in Nashville today is play country music. #ChrisStapleton

— Taylor Jones (@NashvilleNiner) November 5, 2015

I have never been as happy at a CMA awards show as I am now..sitting across the aisle from @ChrisStapleton and Morgane. Happy heart!

— Lee Ann Womack (@leeannwomack) November 5, 2015

Honest Billboard Country Chart - July 2015

Re-Flush. A Girl Crush Parody.

 This is reprehensible and gross and childish, and welcome back Bobby Joe!

Re-flush
(©2015 BobbyJoe parody lyrics)

Parody of Little Big Town's "Girl Crush"

I got to re-flush
Hate to admit it but
Pooped in a big rush
Ain't going down
I grabbed the plunger
And pushed it down under
And still I feel strong hunger
Could eat me a cow

I want to taste french fries
Yeah, 'cause they taste like grease
I want to drown myself
In a bottle of Texas Pete
I want more chili dogs
I want more cabbage soup
Yeah, 'cause for sure then
I'd really let it loose
I got to re-flush
I got to re-flush

I don't Beano beans
I don't Beano greens
Thinking about food
Under my fat jeans
The way that it's whispering
The way that it's pulling me in
Lord knows I've tried
I can't get it off my mind

I want to taste french fries
Yeah, 'cause they taste like grease
I want to drown myself
In a bottle of Texas Pete
I want more chili dogs
I want more cabbage soup
Yeah, 'cause for sure then
I'd really let it loose
I got to re-flush
I got to re-flush
Hate to admit it but
Pooped in a big rush
Ain't going down

3 Up 3 Down: May '15

 
3 Up


Tim McGraw - Diamond Rings and Old Barstools
McGraw continues his hot streak of great country songs that are actually country with "Diamond Rings and Old Barstools." Whether it was the failure of his attempts at bro-relevancy a couple years back or an honest journey back to rootsy authentic (for this day) country that led him to this point, I don't care - the results are what matter, and this is a killer tune. A smoky atmosphere, throwback imagery, twang, great harmonies from Catherine Dunn, and a classic honky-tonk ballad sound blend this into a modern-day gem. Sure, Tim will have to throw some party songs or "I'm southern" anthems back into the mix at some point to keep his slot on radio, but for now, I'm enjoying the hell out of this era.
A-


Mickey Guyton - Better Than You Left Me
A bright new light on the scene, Guyton has been compared to Carrie Underwood's  big-voiced pop-country stylings. It's a fair reference, but Mickey may be more appealing to those like me who prefer traditional leanings, because she's got a bit more grit in her throat. She must also have some strong gumption, leading off with a bittersweet single that never mentions going out at night nor loving dude-bros nor wishing to judge her worth on the whims of a man. It's a strong, uplifting song that though pop-country, doles out just as much of the latter part of that genre name as the former. I'm excited to see where she goes from here.
B+


Little Big Town - Girl Crush
Even if I didn't like this song, I'd probably force myself to like it just for the effect it has/had on people who: 1)don't listen to lyrics 2)don't understand lyrics 3)just want an excuse to type the word "lezbo" on Twitter or Facebook. "Girl Crush" is just the sort of smartly-written, organic-sounding song radio needs in an era of slackjaws singing the virtues of mud on $50k trucks and banging country girls by a bonfire. The vocal performance is stunning, even more so live. It's a bit too safe-sounding for me to give it a higher grade, but it's a solid tune, that caught on by hook and crook and goaded controversy. Not that it doesn't deserve to be a hit - it just sucks that there has to be viral chicanery involved to get an intelligent song noticed these days.
B

3 Down


Michael Ray - Kiss You in the Morning
Man-meat with permanent five o'clock shadow and a good voice sings female-friendly song about night and kissing and love and partying. Lather, rinse, repeat. Ray actually has a better voice than many of his cohorts, and if applied to better… okay, if applied to way better material, he might be someone to keep an eye on. For now, the only eyes (and ears) on him are from lustful ladies (and a few guys) and people who don't care what's on the radio as long as it's not challenging or twangy. This isn't.
D+



Florida-Georgia Line - Sippin' On Fire
The fact that this song is far better than their previous single is misleading. "Sun Daze" was one of the most excremental country singles ever from one of the worst radio artists to ever exist, so 'far better' is no compliment. "Sippin' on Fire" is a down-tuned, hookless mess that exists only to give Brian and Tyler a reason to sip their beloved Fireball on stage during a song. It features auto-tune, lyrics borrowed from their own repertoire, convincing a girl to cheat on her boyfriend, and not a shred of anything you might call "art."
F


Cole Swindell - Let Me See Ya Girl
Cole took a step toward adequacy with his previous single, "Ain't Worth the Whiskey," earning at least 'guilty pleasure' status from many who'd shunned his earlier radio tunes. While I didn't care for it, it was at least a hint that there might be a little more to Swindell than trucks and being dopey. Alas. Bro country is dead; long live bro country. "Let Me See Ya Girl" is so filled with cliche and signifiers from the "sup dawg?" crowd that it could pass as one of FTM's satire lyrics. It will have all the 16-22 year old females who frequently exclaim "I'm sooo drunk"  rocking them cutoffs with their feet on the dash for their boyfriends all summer with the windows down and Hank cranked and blah blah tailgate, shake it, drink, taste of her lips, blah blah. Crap.
D-

Country TwitterFAIL: May 2015

 

Honest Radio Promo Ad: GIRL CRUSH

"Girl Crush" Parody Lyrics

They definitely wouldn't play this version on the radio...

Man Crush

(Parody of Little Big Town's "Girl Crush")

I gotta man crush, I can't deny it and
He thrills me so much, can't settle down
I need it like that, want everything he's got
That grin and the chiseled bod he’s givin’ you now

I wanna hold his hand, yeah, go where it has gone
I wanna drown myself in a bottle of his Axe cologne
I want his stubbled chin, I want his sculpted butt
Yeah, ‘cause I know then, you’d want me just as much
I gotta man crush, I gotta man crush

I don’t get no rest, No I'm always stressed
Thinkin’ about him getting undressed
The way he is pleasin', all that heavy breathin'
Lord knows I’ve strained, I can’t get him off my brain

I wanna hold his hand, yeah, go where it has gone
I wanna drown myself in a bottle of his Axe cologne
I want his stubbled chin, I want his sculpted butt
Yeah, ‘cause I know then, you’d want me just as much
I gotta man crush, I gotta man crush

I gotta man crush, I can't deny it and
He thrills me so much, can't settle down