There Ain't No Cure

What Your Favorite Summer Country Song Says About You

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Dan + Shay “19 + You and Me”

You don’t like country music except Dan + Shay, who are not country. You own 15 personalized tumblers that all smell vaguely of vodka or White Zinfandel. You only have Facebook to post pictures of your 8 yearly vacations.

Alan Jackson “Chattahoochee”

You actually did lose your virginity on a river bank. You like that the mullet came back in fashion. You probably need to start learning about LDL and HDL.

Garth Brooks “That Summer”

You are a horny old widow.

Kid Rock “All Summer Long”

You don’t wash your legs or feet in the shower because “the soap just runs down anyway.” You have some poorly spelled political thoughts you’d like everyone on Facebook to know about. You have a dog named FJB.

Nitty Gritty Dirt Band “Fishin’ in the Dark”

You either think the song is about fishing, or think this is NGDB’s worst song but it’s still the best summer song… there is no in between.

Thomas Rhett “Vacation”

You are theoretical. There is no such person. This song is bad even to people with shitty tastes.

Shooter Jennings “4th of July”

You don’t use the internet. Your work truck smells like Marlboro Reds and pretzels. You hate Democrats, Republicans, and Libertarians equally. 

Deana Carter “Strawberry Wine”

You also lost your virginity on a river bank. You hate that the mullet came back in fashion because it reminds you of your junior year boyfriend who left you for Amanda Sykes. You have kids with a 10 year age gap. You can drink your husband’s friends under the fire pit. 

Clint Black “Summer’s Comin’”

You are a Clint Black stan. You almost drove off the road when they played a Rascal Flatts song on the classic country station. You know what LDL and HDL are. 

FGL “Cruise”

You still have the same truck and the same truck nutz from when this song came out, but there’s a baby seat in the back seat now. You drink exclusively Michelob Ultra. You recently traded in your straight legs for loose fit jeans. 

Deadline for Dumbass Summer Pop-Country Singles Rapidly Approaching

Though we’ve barely stepped foot into Spring, the deadline for stupid-ass, shallow, moronic, brand name filled, pandering pop-country summer songs is quickly nearing. With the slow movement of the charts these days, a song released now might have a chance of peaking by late August or early September, unless your name is Luke Combs or Morgan Wallen. 

Word out of Nashville says around 43 B, C, and D-list artists were preparing to drop tunes about skinny dipping, trucks, feet on dashes, cut off jeans, girls in trucks, trucks in mud, bonfires in fields, sex in a field, beer in a truck, and the July moon in the next couple of weeks. Though most of these will never climb into the top 40, the braindead, embarrassing, numbskull summer song is a tried and true tradition for artists every year, even if they’re simply going through the motions. 

Even country legends have fallen into this trite formula in the past, with Clint Black (“Summer’s Coming”) and Travis Tritt (“Girls Gone Wild”) putting out their doofiest, most cringe-worthy songs simply with the hopes that country fans would like to listen to songs about what they’re doing in summer while they’re doing it. 

Up and comer Chance Russell is excited about his forthcoming debut single “Livin’ for the Summer.” “It’s about you know, living, and summer, and making sure to be living for the summer.” said a smiling Russell as he signed off on the final mix, replete with computerized drums and meticulously corrected vocals. 

In writer’s rooms across Nashville, some were still trying to bang out empty-headed bangers at the last minute. 9 dudes were attempting to find a rhyme for ‘hard seltzer’ in one plush office, while 13 guys and one girl were adding some last minute slang to their shit-for-brains summer slapper in the suite next door. 

Other titles to be on the lookout for include:

“Married in Myrtle”

“White Claw Can, Fresh Spray Tan”

“Redneck Vibe Check”

“Dirt Road Drip”

“Left My Heart on Miramar”

Summer Sux

It's Summer Country Music Festival Time!

A New Summer Smash Hit

Just Like We Did Last Summer
©2017 FTM Satire

Baby here we go again
A summer song for your and your friends
June, July and August heat
It's the same damn song with a different beat
Ice cold beers and happy tears
Cause swimsuit styles show more ass this year
Pour up drinks till the world's a blur
And crank whatever rapper's popular

Just like we did last summer
Dumb ass music and weak rum runners
You got pirate booty and I wanna plunder
No it ain't legal, but you got my number
Beaches, buds, and backseat hummers
Just like we did last summer

Honey, here's where I hip-hop talk
Even though I'm as white as chalk
Let's skinny dip, get a tan
Then dance by some trucks the way you can
If booty's wrong I'm a sinner
So turn it around like a fidget spinner
Auto-tune this familiar line
Pass around a jar of store bought shine

Just like we did last summer
Pickup trucks, Jeeps, and Forerunners
Country boys booming that bass like thunder
If the cops show up it'll be a bummer
Beaches, buds, and backseat hummers
Just like we did last summer

Bridge
This part's where we slow it down and get a little romantic
Girl you save me from myself, moonlight, blah blah enchanted
You be the housewife, I'll be the plumber...

Just like we did last summer
Dumb ass music and weak rum runners
You got pirate booty and I wanna plunder
No it ain't legal, but you got my number
Beaches, buds, and backseat hummers
Just like we did last summer

Summer Country Music Festival Waiver

Another summer, another spate of bad behavior from summer country concert attendees. To combat the possibility of lawsuits, some promoters have begun forcing ticket buyers to sign liability waivers. Here's a really thorough one for the upcoming Florida Country Superfest.*

*totally not real, but probably should be.

How to Know Summer is Here

 How to Know Summer is Here

Kid Rock is being played on every format. (Except rock and rap)

Green Peace begins lecturing all new recruits on not rolling Gary Levox back into

the water if he's encountered on the beach.

Female country singers become more popular to bros. Because cutoffs.

Every package of Gold Bond medicated powder includes a download

of the latest Luke Bryan Spring Break album.

Wynonna's orange glow becomes more of a grapefruit color.

The amount of nighttime that Scott Borchetta has for feeding is reduced significantly.

Trailer starts bitching about his yard needing mowed instead

of Mississippi State having a horrible season.

...country music remix season.

Country Rap King Mikel Knight decreases the days between showers for his street teams to 7.

Some country music bigwig says something stupid. Wait, that's every season...

Colt Ford makes extra money blocking the sun from Jason Aldean's forehead.

Leann Rimes blends in with everyone else.

New tailgate songs.

You go to a big drunk redneck fight and a country music festival breaks out.

 Calm down Trailer. We get it, mowing sucks.

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Almost all of these by Jeremy Harris

Country Songwriter Tailgate Magnets: Summer Edition!

Lyrical Satirical: This Song is for Summer

This Song Is For Summer

©2013 FTM Satire

Aw hell yeah it's summer again

Time to drop a tailgate with your redneck friends

Text up some honeys in cut off jeans

Sugar shaker, donkadonk, know what I mean?

Crank some Lil Wayne in a country mood

Pass around some moonshine we bought at Whole Foods

Let's get rowdy like Hank would do

Hey, check out my new Duck Dynasty tattoo

Chorus

This song is for summer, y'all

Those three months after spring and just before fall

Have to spell it out cause my fans are dumber

Crank it on up in the summer summer summer

Yeehaw boys, yeah I got some swag

Got a Mud Life sticker and truck nutz that drag

Old farts hatin' cause I drop some rhymes

But that's how we do country in the summertime

Shotgun, old truck, some other cliche

Gather round the fire and I'll sing you some Kanye

Feet on the dash, let the night commence

Who cares if this tune doesn't make any sense?

This song is for summer, y'all

Those three months after spring and just before fall

Have to spell it out cause my fans are dumber

Crank it on up in the summer summer summer

Bridge (spoken)

And now a word from our sponsor:

It's hot out there while you're partying with your homeyz

Try something a little different!

Bud Light Lime.

It's Bud Light, with a twist!

Back to this song for summer, son

Put it out in March so it's a June number one

Have to spell it out cause my fans are dumber

Crank it on up in the summer summer summer

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