Jan 26, 2023
Oct 28, 2022
“You could get a McDonald’s combo for two friggin’ dollars and ninety-nine cents, my brother in Christ,” said a gobsmacked Kaitlyn Mack. “It’s like ten bucks now; I blame whoever is President at this moment.” Mack perused ‘throwback’ photos of 90s prices on Instagram, mouth agape, as she proudly sported her $200 vintage Reba McEntire t-shirt she bought off eBay.
Jason Harkenson, an Uber driver from West Memphis, told us he’d initially gotten really into Patty Loveless and Clint Black before noticing the price on someone’s vintage Alan Jackson concert ticket they’d posted on Reddit. “You could get into a show for $25 back then? That’s what parking is now…” he said, Ricochet blasting in the background. “And then I stupidly kept digging and found out a person making $9 an hour could afford a pretty good apartment back then. What the absolute f**k?? I’ve got two jobs and a roommate.”
Many of the younger 90s country fans who took this depressing journey expressed sadness that they’d gone from digging “Friend in Low Places” and mullets to being despondent about the nineties including both $5/6pk beer and strong economic growth and a steady job market.
“Wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then, indeed.” lamented Harkenson.
Oct 6, 2022
Sep 1, 2022
Aug 17, 2022
Aug 12, 2022
Jul 27, 2022
Jun 30, 2022
Alan Jackson “Chattahoochee”
You actually did lose your virginity on a river bank. You like that the mullet came back in fashion. You probably need to start learning about LDL and HDL.
Kid Rock “All Summer Long”
You don’t wash your legs or feet in the shower because “the soap just runs down anyway.” You have some poorly spelled political thoughts you’d like everyone on Facebook to know about. You have a dog named FJB.
Nitty Gritty Dirt Band “Fishin’ in the Dark”
You either think the song is about fishing, or think this is NGDB’s worst song but it’s still the best summer song… there is no in between.
Thomas Rhett “Vacation”
You are theoretical. There is no such person. This song is bad even to people with shitty tastes.
Shooter Jennings “4th of July”
You don’t use the internet. Your work truck smells like Marlboro Reds and pretzels. You hate Democrats, Republicans, and Libertarians equally.
Deana Carter “Strawberry Wine”
You also lost your virginity on a river bank. You hate that the mullet came back in fashion because it reminds you of your junior year boyfriend who left you for Amanda Sykes. You have kids with a 10 year age gap. You can drink your husband’s friends under the fire pit.
Clint Black “Summer’s Comin’”
You are a Clint Black stan. You almost drove off the road when they played a Rascal Flatts song on the classic country station. You know what LDL and HDL are.
You still have the same truck and the same truck nutz from when this song came out, but there’s a baby seat in the back seat now. You drink exclusively Michelob Ultra. You recently traded in your straight legs for loose fit jeans.
Apr 8, 2022
Though we’ve barely stepped foot into Spring, the deadline for stupid-ass, shallow, moronic, brand name filled, pandering pop-country summer songs is quickly nearing. With the slow movement of the charts these days, a song released now might have a chance of peaking by late August or early September, unless your name is Luke Combs or Morgan Wallen.
Word out of Nashville says around 43 B, C, and D-list artists were preparing to drop tunes about skinny dipping, trucks, feet on dashes, cut off jeans, girls in trucks, trucks in mud, bonfires in fields, sex in a field, beer in a truck, and the July moon in the next couple of weeks. Though most of these will never climb into the top 40, the braindead, embarrassing, numbskull summer song is a tried and true tradition for artists every year, even if they’re simply going through the motions.
Even country legends have fallen into this trite formula in the past, with Clint Black (“Summer’s Coming”) and Travis Tritt (“Girls Gone Wild”) putting out their doofiest, most cringe-worthy songs simply with the hopes that country fans would like to listen to songs about what they’re doing in summer while they’re doing it.
Up and comer Chance Russell is excited about his forthcoming debut single “Livin’ for the Summer.” “It’s about you know, living, and summer, and making sure to be living for the summer.” said a smiling Russell as he signed off on the final mix, replete with computerized drums and meticulously corrected vocals.
In writer’s rooms across Nashville, some were still trying to bang out empty-headed bangers at the last minute. 9 dudes were attempting to find a rhyme for ‘hard seltzer’ in one plush office, while 13 guys and one girl were adding some last minute slang to their shit-for-brains summer slapper in the suite next door.
Other titles to be on the lookout for include:
“Married in Myrtle”
“White Claw Can, Fresh Spray Tan”
“Redneck Vibe Check”
“Dirt Road Drip”
“Left My Heart on Miramar”
Mar 17, 2022
RIP Bad Guy.