Nov 17, 2023
Sep 15, 2023
Aug 14, 2023
Aug 2, 2023
Jul 19, 2023
Jun 6, 2023
Prop Me Up Beside the Juice Bar When I Die
So Help Me Up
Off My Lawn Attitude
A Good Run of Bad Back
Put Yourself in My Skechers
An Elder Man
The Orthofeet You’re Wearing
He Thinks He’ll Bathe Her
I Feel Achy
This One’s Gonna Hurt Me
Sigh Sigh Sigh
Rock My World Geriatric Girl
Brand New Teeth
Clarks Scootin’ Boogie
My Next Leakin’ Fart
Feb 10, 2023
Ms. Humes went on to list several of the songs that would find their way across the airwaves this month. They included:
“Long Black Train” Josh Turner
“Two Black Cadillacs” Carrie Underwood
“(The Black Dress Song) Getting You Home” Chris Young
“Black Tears” Florida-Georgia Line
“Blue on Black” 5 Finger Death Punch ft. Brantley Gilbert
“Blacktop Gone” Jason Aldean
“Black” Dierks Bentley
“Where the Blacktop Ends” Keith Urban
“Black Jacket” Tim McGraw
Many of the comments below the post expressed concern that possibly the radio giants may be missing the point of Black History Month. “Couldn’t you just… you know… play some black artists?” asked Barry Summers. “Some of those were never even singles… it’s like you’re going as far out of your way as possible not to play Charley Crockett or Mickey Guyton,” replied Laverne Shirley. “How will a Jason Aldean song make anyone on earth think of Black people? This is sooo stupid.” said Terry Hogan.
While none of those complaints were addressed, Humes did add an additional comment. “No, we will not be playing Clint Black or Blackhawk songs because that’s old people music. Josh Turner is already pushing it.”
At press time, the media giants had also removed Johnny Cash’s “Man in Black” because of its age and also some complaints from listeners that the song was “lib’rul grooming.”
Feb 9, 2023
Jan 26, 2023
Oct 28, 2022
“You could get a McDonald’s combo for two friggin’ dollars and ninety-nine cents, my brother in Christ,” said a gobsmacked Kaitlyn Mack. “It’s like ten bucks now; I blame whoever is President at this moment.” Mack perused ‘throwback’ photos of 90s prices on Instagram, mouth agape, as she proudly sported her $200 vintage Reba McEntire t-shirt she bought off eBay.
Jason Harkenson, an Uber driver from West Memphis, told us he’d initially gotten really into Patty Loveless and Clint Black before noticing the price on someone’s vintage Alan Jackson concert ticket they’d posted on Reddit. “You could get into a show for $25 back then? That’s what parking is now…” he said, Ricochet blasting in the background. “And then I stupidly kept digging and found out a person making $9 an hour could afford a pretty good apartment back then. What the absolute f**k?? I’ve got two jobs and a roommate.”
Many of the younger 90s country fans who took this depressing journey expressed sadness that they’d gone from digging “Friend in Low Places” and mullets to being despondent about the nineties including both $5/6pk beer and strong economic growth and a steady job market.
“Wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then, indeed.” lamented Harkenson.
Oct 6, 2022
Sep 1, 2022
Aug 17, 2022
Aug 12, 2022
Jul 27, 2022
Jun 30, 2022
Alan Jackson “Chattahoochee”
You actually did lose your virginity on a river bank. You like that the mullet came back in fashion. You probably need to start learning about LDL and HDL.
Kid Rock “All Summer Long”
You don’t wash your legs or feet in the shower because “the soap just runs down anyway.” You have some poorly spelled political thoughts you’d like everyone on Facebook to know about. You have a dog named FJB.
Nitty Gritty Dirt Band “Fishin’ in the Dark”
You either think the song is about fishing, or think this is NGDB’s worst song but it’s still the best summer song… there is no in between.
Thomas Rhett “Vacation”
You are theoretical. There is no such person. This song is bad even to people with shitty tastes.
Shooter Jennings “4th of July”
You don’t use the internet. Your work truck smells like Marlboro Reds and pretzels. You hate Democrats, Republicans, and Libertarians equally.
Deana Carter “Strawberry Wine”
You also lost your virginity on a river bank. You hate that the mullet came back in fashion because it reminds you of your junior year boyfriend who left you for Amanda Sykes. You have kids with a 10 year age gap. You can drink your husband’s friends under the fire pit.
Clint Black “Summer’s Comin’”
You are a Clint Black stan. You almost drove off the road when they played a Rascal Flatts song on the classic country station. You know what LDL and HDL are.
You still have the same truck and the same truck nutz from when this song came out, but there’s a baby seat in the back seat now. You drink exclusively Michelob Ultra. You recently traded in your straight legs for loose fit jeans.