CMA Fest 2024 Starter Pack

Kid Rock’s White House Burns; Meth Lab Explosion Suspected

Country/rock star Kid Rock’s grandiose White House replica home burned overnight, and fire investigators say it appears to be due a meth lab explosion. Experts say the evidence was so substantial and certain that Rock, real name Bob Richey, was taken into custody on scene.

An inside source spoke to us off the record to share the absurdity of the circumstances. “The yard was just littered with burning cars up on blocks, chickens running for their lives, an outhouse, and a makeshift whiskey still.” said anonymous source Terry Jones, assistant fire investigator of Nashville, “It was the wildest thing I’ve seen since that John Rich fiasco.”

He went on to detail the source of the fire clearly being a corner utility room littered with broken beakers, metal piping, and a somehow unscathed pile of Sudafed. “There was also a half-melted metal door sign that said ‘Meth Lab,’ so we’ve pretty much got him dead to rights,” said Jones. 

Back on record with the chief of police, Brittan Marks, we learned that an uninjured Richey was taken into custody without incident, wearing only a pair of flip flops and a “Hillary Lied” t-shirt. He was processed and bonded out a few hours later. 

“With a net worth in the millions, we’re not sure why Mr. Richey would need to be cooking up meth, you know,” said a bemused Chief Marks, “Maybe he was just trying to live up to his outlaw reputation.”

At press time, Mr. Rock was tweeting and working on plans for his new ten-story ass shaped house on the same hill.

#fakenews #satire

More Monday Memes: Morgan Wallen, Johnny Cash, Nashville

 

Monday Morning Memes: Jason Aldean, Kidd G, Morgan Wallen

 

Pop-Country Cover Band Wants You To Stop Requesting Tyler Childers Songs

The lead singer of pop-country cover band Dem Broadway Boyz has just about had enough. During his 2 hour stint at a popular Nashville bar/venue, vocalist Brad Shambles has gone from amused to annoyed to enraged at your constant requests for songs not the the Boyz’s repertoire. 

He sees you there at your table with your girlfriend, Mr. Authentic Country, and despite Brad’s creative shortcomings, he knows your story. You got dragged out to drink $18 cocktails and listen to music you consider beneath you by your attractive but basic love interest, but hey, you don’t have to take it out on him. He doesn’t come to your haberdashery or horse barn or whatever and talk shit about your work.

Brad just wants to play Thomas Rhett and Cole Swindell and Russell Tenpenny.. hell, he gets them mixed up too, but anyway, just let him and his band play selections from the 50 popular songs they know in peace and chill out, dude. Zach Bryan? Do you mean Luke? And who the hell is Colter Wall? You’re just making stuff up now.

You in your vintage Waylon Jennings t-shirt sitting there all high and mighty, drinking a Pabst. What did you expect? That they were going to crank out some Highway Troubadours, or Colby Jinks, or whatever depressing stuff you listen to? Get real man, Dem Broadway Boyz are here to sell beer, Fireball, and overpriced chicken tenders. For the love of God, no they won’t play “Feathered Indians.” 

Brad leans over to his bassist during a rendition of Sam Hunt’s “Body Like a Back Road” and whispers “watch this guy, be ready to take him down” as you saunter to the side stage with a smirk on your face. 

At press time, Brad was singing lyrics read off his phone as the band worked through a poor version of “Whiskey River” after you tipped them $30 to play it. But he’s still pissed.

Stolen Memes: Nashville, Alan Jackson, Jon Pardi, Rhett Akins

 

From Music Shitty Instagram

From @Misery_n_Gin

Ryman Sold; To Be 4 Story Dan + Shay Bar & Grill

The “Mother Church of Country Music,” the Ryman Auditorium has long been a landmark and hallowed ground for country music and Nashville, but it will soon give way to progress. In a stunning move, Ryman Hospitality Properties, Inc. Thursday announced that it would sell the property to Woo Girl Holdings Company, LLC. 

Woo Girl immediately went public with its plans to transform the cultural stalwart into a four story entertainment complex, bar and grill. “We’re moving Nashville forward and giving this area a slick update with Dan + Shay’s Tequila Ballroom,” said Chief Marketing Officer Leslie Cransford. “It will be an entertainment center with 6 bars, 3 restaurants, a massive gaming area, and possibly a small corner dedicated to live music or whatever.” 

Demolitions experts have already begun preparations to bring down the 130 year old structure, with dozers, excavators, and haulers to follow, leaving not a single brick in place. “It will be an entirely new edifice,” said Cransford. “The age and, let’s face it, ‘general air of twang and sawdust’ are not conducive to our contemporary and fashionable project. We’re starting over from the ground up, to reference a Dan + Shay masterpiece.” 

The Ryman, which was the home of the Grand Ole Opry from 1943-1974, has continued to host concerts and gatherings through the years, holding on to its honored place in country music fans’ hearts. “Dan + Shay’s Tequila Ballroom will certainly give a nod to the past; we plan to have a plaque dedicated to the history of the Ryman in the 2nd floor hallway to the restroom.” said Cransford. “We feel it very important to acknowledge our roots, yet reach for the sky at the same time.” 

Another nearby country music mecca, Ernest Tubb Record Shop, was also sold recently, with plans to turn the spot into a selfie mural and kombucha bar or some shit.

#fakenews #satire

Country Horror Movie Posters: Garth Brooks, Jason Aldean, Nashville

More Monday Memes: Sam Hunt, Kane Brown, Nashville

Normal Nashville

Hell or Nashville?

Nashville Song Plugger Swings Dead Cat, Hits Bachelorette

Nashville song plugger Larry Weathers has been charged with assault and is also being investigated for possible animal cruelty after he struck and injured bride-to-be Brayley Lynn Smith with a deceased feline on Thursday evening. 

Weathers was trying to make a point to Jenny Lindsay, a young songwriter and recent Nashville arrival, when the incident occurred. "I don't even know where he got the cat; it was just suddenly in his hand and he was twirling it," said Lindsay. "It was pretty wild." 

Smith suffered a contusion to her left elbow and lacerations about her face and hands from falling off the pedal tavern. "It was the damnedest thing," mused Smith. "I was so drunk I didn’t think it was really happening, but I think I got some fur in my mouth.” 

Weathers, who maintains that the animal was already deceased when he swung it, explained: "I was trying to illustrate to (Jenny Lindsay) the amount of competition she's up against in this town. You know… 'you can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a songwriter in this town'… I assumed I'd just graze an Erik Dylan or an Ashley Gorley to show her how many great writers there are here. I didn't mean for this to happen." 

Ironically, the bachelorette has offered to drop all charges against Mr. Weathers if he can get a couple of songs Smith wrote pitched to Luke Combs.

By Trailer - Origin version posted on Country California January 17, 2009 (updated)

Americanafest 2019 BINGO!

Thanks to Trigger from Saving Country Music for some of the ideas!

Top 10 Signs You’re a Basic A** Country Girl

10. The bartender at a Nashville pedal tavern has cut you off before

9. You don’t remember what songs Kane Brown sang in concert, but he’s your favorite singer because he’s “sooo hot!”

8. You own more pairs of cut-offs than there are Presidents you can name

7. You missed work/class to cry and drink wine the day you found out Dustin Lynch has a girlfriend

6. The above concoction seems like the best thing ever

5. You’ve ever said “Y’all I’m literally dead”

4. There’s just something about a community college dropout in a lifted Raptor running a stoplight while cranking Florida-Georgia Line that makes you fall in love every time

3. You own 3 pair of boots with crosses on them and ain’t been to church in years

2. Your Jeep with a Yeti sticker and a deer decal has never left the pavement of Davidson county

1. You will gladly stand in line upwards of 3 hours to have your photo taken in front of some wings painted on a wall

----
Inspired by this tweet from Country Hodge Podge:

Nashville During the NFL Draft

Thanks to Jeff S. for sending this in!

Giant Novelty Check Printer Shutdown Slows Country Singer Charitable Donations

Country singer charitable donations have slowed to a dribble in Nashville, possibly due to the closure of Progressive Printing. The company, who specialized in oversize novelty checks mounted on corrugated plastic or cardboard, was bought out by Exacraft Mail and Print Solutions in Brentwood and will be combined into that location in a few weeks. 

In the meantime, hospitals, homeless shelters, and other funds have seen sizable drops in their contributions. Charles Jones of "Toothbrushes for Arkansas" told us he expects donations to be down by 34% when figures come out in August. "It's the damnest thing," said Jones. "I can't for the life of me figure out the connection between our drop-off and the lack of photo-op-ready, comically large, not actually cashable checks."

Usually, somewhere between $900,000 and $3 million dollars are collected and given to nonprofit organizations by country music superstars during the months of June-August. Charity softball games, bake sales, and charity-specific concerts have been non-existent this summer. Some say the shortage of the showy, symbolic checks is to blame. 

"I've seen some social media posts saying that country singers won't give a dime to a relief center if there's not a camera on them," related Cherry Givens of "Kane Brown Fans Literacy Fund." "But I'm not that cynical… can you imagine?"

John Reynolds, COO of "Guns for the Incarcerated" suggests country singers order their preposterously gigantic, camera-friendly checks from Amazon until Exacraft's check printing service is up and running. 

Music City Memes is Hilarious

Check out Music City Memes on Instagram for some great country music humor. It's mostly "inside baseball" jokes about pro songwriting circles and the business, but a lot of it overlaps with what we do here. Witty and insightful stuff.

Reginald Spears on the Eclipse

Top 15 Things Rarer Than a Solar Eclipse in Nashville

 Top 15 Things Rarer Than a Solar Eclipse in Nashville

by Jeremy Harris and Trailer

15. An open mic night without "Wagon Wheel"


14. Shooter Jennings walking down Music Row in shorts

13. A Stanley Cup hockey championship


12. A country exec with any 2 of the following: brains, balls, integrity

11. Thomas Rhett singing in key


10. A Kane Brown fan who won't have retinal damage after today

9. 20 square feet of sidewalk without a douchebag on it


8. A local eating at FGL house


7. Colt Ford and Gary Levox eating salads

6. A sober bridesmaid

5. A songwriting session with less than 5 people in attendance


4. Luke Bryan shopping for relaxed fit jeans

3. An irreplaceable landmark some developer wouldn't happily bulldoze 

to put up another apartment building …or carwash


2. A woman on the country charts who isn't counted against the quota

1. A departed country legend not rolling in his/her grave daily

The SoBro Scavenger Hunt and Drinking Game

This is a Music Stash Contest Entry from Robert Groves.

The SoBro Scavenger Hunt and Drinking Game

Good luck, and may God have mercy on your souls.

Rules.
1. There are 15 items on this list. You will have between the hours of 10 pm and Midnight on any given Saturday night in downtown Nashville to find and photograph each item on the list.

2. For every item remaining on the list after midnight, you must take a shot of fireball. The survival of your liver and dignity rely on your speed.

3. If at any time during the 2 hours you hear "Wagon Wheel" in any form, you must drink a tall can of PBR and start the list over.

The list:
1. More than 4 faddish modes of transportation lined up at a traffic light. 

(Pedal taverns, golf carts, hay rides, etc).

2. A shirtless homeless person.

3. A SoBro crab. (A person so intoxicated that they are no longer capable of walking forward and can only stagger sideways.)

4. A non-flat billed baseball cap

5. A street performer that looks like, or possibly is, Sturgill Simpson.

6. Someone throwing up out of an Uber or Lyft car.

7. A bachelorette foursome weighing less than 500 lbs.

8. The "trumpet guy" playing something other than When the Saints Go Marching In.

9. A bar bouncer without visible tattoos.

10. Any reference to Joe Diffie that isn't a horrible song by Thomas Rhett/Jason Aldean.

11. A "honky tonk bar band" playing a hip hop song.

12. Any Johnny Cash song besides "Ring of Fire" or "Folsom Prison".

13. A telephone pole or piece of construction equipment being used as a stripper pole.

14. A rhinestone cowboy hat...on a guy.

15. Inappropriate cleavage (front or back) visible on a passing pedal tavern.