Showing posts with label Blackjack Billy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blackjack Billy. Show all posts

Jan 2, 2014

Worst Country Songs of 2013

I've already talked enough trash about most of the following songs in 2013, so here are the worst country songs of 2013, presented without comment.

Dec 27, 2013

Low Information Country Fan eCards (NSFW)

These are actual unedited YouTube comments from the fans of
Blackjack Billy, Brantley Gilbert, Cole Swindell and Chase Rice.

Dec 26, 2013

Single Review: Blackjack Billy - Get Some

Blackjack Billy's "Get Some" is D-List bro-country that's not even catchy enough to garner guilty pleasure status from anyone with properly functioning ears. It sounds like one of those sub-par tracks tacked onto the end of the Promo Only Country CDs which featured some local bar band out of Port St. Lucie who was owed a favor. It's another party anthem objectifying women over loud guitars, with some vaguely urban slang thrown in. Any questions? 

The basic concept of the song is um, booty shaking, I guess? That pretty much covers it. In the chorus, "Hey honey, shakin' that money maker" is rhymed with "working what the good Lord gave you" because of course it is. It's cliche to even call those lines cliche, because they aren't anything nearing an even half-hearted attempt at art. They are gospel verses from the Douchebag Bible, added verbatim into the song.

"Baby, all I wanna do is get in your groove girl" is an actual lyric that a human wrote and sang over music and some commercial music entity saw fit to release it for public consumption. What is this, a 2 Live Crew song? Oh, I get it… it's supposed to be a subtle double-entendre. No, let's be real - these guys think an "entendre" comes filled with refried beans and covered in guac at Taco Bell.

Oh, and dude doesn't want to ask the girl to dance because then he'd have to stop creepin' on her and staring at her ass. That's restraining order territory right there, homey. This would be the pinnacle of Nashville's new misogyny culture if this were a song that would make a dent on the charts. Here are the respectful terms used to call upon this lovely young female: mama, pretty thing, honey, baby, girl, sugar. Yes, I'm serious.

Thankfully this band will go the way of the "Harlem Shake" sooner than later. There may be some talent in Blackjack Billy, but none of it has made itself known to this point. Forget guilty pleasure, "Get Some" isn't even worthy of "so good it's bad" consideration. It's just awful.

Nov 8, 2013

Little Known Facts: November '13

By Trailer and Jeremy Harris

Garth Brooks is reportedly killing it at a Tulsa Crossfit studio, getting in shape
to fit into his flying skinny jeans for his big come-back next year.

The only thing Colt Ford prefers to see butchered more than beef is the English language.

In 2011 Shooter Jennings nearly drown in a kiddy pool due to being
the person on bottom during a chicken fight.

Bucky Covington was not injured when Shooter dropped him into the pool.

"Gary Levox" loosely translates to vaginal mesh in Mandarin.

Zovirax dropped Brantley Gilbert as their spokesperson due
to potential customers thinking their product was douche.

The recipe to McDonald's secret Big Mac sauce is hidden deep in the beard of Matt Woods.

At a recent Chrysler Group meeting in Nashville, Ram CEO Reid Bigland jokingly (but not) asked, "Who do I have to blow to get a Ram truck mentioned in a country song?"

When Tim McGraw first met Faith Hill she knew it was love because
they always finished each other's sentences; now she only finishes his meals.

Johnny and June originally spelled their hit duet "Jackson" J-A-X-S-O-N
but were scared of a lawsuit from the writers of Sons of Anarchy.

If Blackjack Billy's fans could read this fact would make all three of them angry.

Dallas Davidson has a signature line of custom tailgates coming out with built-in moonshine jar holders, butt warmers, and a hidden camera to take up-skirt pics of your country girl.

George Strait's 2013 CMA Entertainer of the Year award will
proudly be displayed up Blake Shelton's ass.

Colt Ford is to music what Colt Ford is to golf.

A group of crows is called a murder; a group of kangaroos is a court;
a group of Nashville songwriters is called a "shart."


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