99 Cent Reviews: Phoenix Stone - 100 Proof Moonshine

Phoenix Stone - 100 Proof Moonshine
(listen at the link)


The People's Take:

Best Country Song! (5 Stars)
by WarEagleOne
Great artist! I wish more country songs were like this!!

Love 100 Proof Moonshine (5 Stars)
by Minnow55174
Love this new song!! It's the best country song I've heard in a long time!


My Take:

Mr. Stone, if that is his real name, must have been listening to Jake Owen's 2011 hit, "Barefoot Blue Jean Night" when he was writing this song. The similarities are far too striking for it to be a coincidence. From the tempo to the subject matter to the instrumentation to the "Ooh Whoas," (only this time they're "Ooh Yeahs") this is very nearly a copycat track. There's also the line "We were rock stars living so large" that falls nearly the same spot in the song as Owen's "We were shining like lighters in the dark in the middle of a rock show." While "BBJN" was playful and catchy enough to make the song better than the sum of its cliché parts, "100 Proof Moonshine" sounds forced and crammed with way too many country signifiers and soccer-mom-friendly wistful notions. There's also some autotune and a crowd singalong to take this piece of crap totally over the top into country radio approved cheese. Stone learned to "make love all night" growing up in Florida…. so there's that bit of knowledge for you, in case you care. He can fight, hunt and fry alligator too. If those are important factors in a future mate, you gals might wanna give him a gander. Phoenix's (if that is really his name) vocals are okay and much more country-sounding than I expected coming from one of the founding members of the Backstreet Boys. That may be the only positive that can be drawn from this 190 proof cup of diarrhea. This is just another pop/rock singer following the path of least resistance into Nashville's welcoming arms, nothing more. It's a "how country I am" and party song all rolled into one. And there's even a Def Leppard reference. Need any other information to draw a conclusion about this reeking meadow muffin? It's a rip-off and a restating of the subject matter of what seems like 90% of the songs on the charts. Nothing to see or hear here.

Total Value: .00/.99

The Checklist:
Hard Work
Church/God
Mama
Boots
✓Name Dropping (song title dropping, anyway)
Dying Person
County Fair
Lost Love
Dog
✓Love/Sex
Hometown/Country Pride
Kindly Advice
Truck
✓Alcoholic Beverages
✓Life Affirmation
USA
Soldiers
Pop Sheen
Star Power

.99 Reviews: Lenny Cooper - Big Tires

The Peoples' Take:

(2 Stars)

Where is black and camo

by 755701General

Where I'd it dang

(4 Stars)

Black and camo

by Muddigger boyz#5

Where us black and cam

(3 Stars)

Black and Camo

by k,doff

I thought Black and Camo was on this album?

I really want this song.

My Take:

If Lenny Cooper had any hip-hop flow, the pathetic-ness of his lyrics might not be exposed so much. If Lenny Cooper had writing skills that produced lines better than "we take this serious, this ain't a game/it's trucks gone wild, man it's insane," his pedestrian flow might not be such an issue. If his voice were something remotely in need of being heard speaking about redneck stuff over dopey beats, both these things might possibly be overlooked. 

Unfortunately for Lenny Cooper, it's three strikes, you're out. There is nothing anywhere close to essential about this ode to monster truck tires and mudding. He's way too serious about having 54 inch tires and lift kits and truck shows to take him serious, even if his rap skills approached, say, Vanilla Ice. Yes, he's that bad.

I'll put it this way. He makes Colt Ford sound like Jay-Z. He makes Soulja Boy sound like 2Pac. He makes …me, sound at least as good as Soulja Boy. This man has no business behind a mic. Lenny Cooper is to rap what Garth Brooks is to anorexic. 

Lenny doesn't even have a bio on his record label's website.

I hate to bag on somebody who hasn't "made it" so to speak, but somebody out there thinks he's good enough to keep releasing his music… so, apparently somebody out there thinks he's good enough to purchase music from… so I have to let people know how bad he is. 

I'm doing Lenny a service here, dammit! He needs to know that there isn't a future in this. He needs to go back and get his GED. He needs to take a few courses at the vocational college. He needs to stop turning down overtime at the muffler repair shop. 

Rap isn't for you, Lenny. That's okay, buddy! It's not for me either and I've done just fine! I know you're trying to find your niche in the world. This is a journey every man and woman must take on their own. I'm just being helpful. Stop it, unfruitful ventures are not worth pursuing!

The song itself praises the virtues of …shit, just read the title. His Chevrolet can do all-nighters. He has the hammer down. He makes people say "Good Lord!" with his comically outsized mudders.

Hey, maybe that's your thing, Lenny. Open up a tire shop… a custom truck shop, sell accessories! Hell, you've already got a theme song! This could be big.

Your rap career, on the other hand… is just fodder for Farce the Music jokes.

Total Value: .20/.99 (it's worth 20 cents for unintentional humor, if nothing else)

The Checklist:

Hard Work

Church/God

Mama

Boots

Name Dropping

Dying Person

County Fair

Lost Love

Dog

Love/Sex

Hometown/Country Pride

Kindly Advice

Truck

Whiskey

Beer

Life Affirmation?

USA

Soldiers

Pop Sheen

Star Power

.99 Reviews: Brantley Gilbert - You Don't Know Her Like I Do

Brantley Gilbert - You Don't Know Her Like I Do

(click to listen)

The People's Take:

(album reviews)

. (5 Stars)

by tyler831

Brantley is what's gonna save country music

Best ever (5 Stars)

by Walt1991

BG is the realist country singer out there! Keep it up man

Refreshing (4 Stars)

by David Whitehorn

Nice to see an up and coming country band incorporate their own unique style. Let's hope their style isn't tainted by Nashville.

(Editor's note - Snicker, snicker....)

My Take:

First of all, this isn't a country song… so let's get that out of the way.

From the opening notes, I know this is a power ballad. It has some bluesy tones going on, so there's that positive note anyway. If it wasn't for the mumbly semi-drawled delivery and the lack of over-the-top guitar, this could be a Cinderella song. Look 'em up. 

There's another positive note to mention - this is a sad song. What's that? A sad song released to country radio post-2000?? Yep. However, it's a sad song from the male's point of view that in no way puts out the possibility that the female the male is sad about did anything wrong. That's very important - women = never wrong…especially on country radio.

I had to look up the lyrics because, to put it mildly, Brantley's articulation is not crisp. He's the depressed, buzzed (southern) college guy at the bar who's starting to slur his words as he misquotes George Strait lyrics to let you know how sad he is about his girlfriend leaving him last weekend. And he's got a sinus infection.

His enunciation is such that the first line of the chorus sounds like "you don't know like I do"…you can't even hear the 'her.' Despite his lazy diction, the vocals are slightly above the tolerable range, even showing a hint of soulfulness that belies Gilbert's usual posturing and redneck braggadocio.

Said chorus is fairly catchy. The lyrics aren't anything to make cute little Tumblr graphics about though. "That girl's my best friend" makes certain no man will ever feel comfortable singing along with this in male company. 

The second verse takes the lyrical quality even lower. 

"And I can't cope, it's like a death inside the family

It's like she stole my way to breathe"

Could those two lines be much more awkward? Is a 'death inside the family' one that occurs when the family is gathered in a locked-arms circle, kicking an intruder who's lying in the middle? "My way to breathe"…she stole your lungs? Holy shit! That sounds painful.

One more positive - there's no happy ending to this song. We're left with him hopelessly pining for the girl as his friend tries to provide support on the phone. In my book, reality is nearly always better than the slight ray of hope that's usually thrown into Nashville 'sad' songs in the form of a more upbeat bridge.

As much as I can't stand Brantley Gilbert and everything he stands for, he's shown to be fairly adept at balladry so I'll give him a higher grade than you might expect. He still sucks, though.

Total Value:

.60/.99

99 Cent Reviews: Chris Cagle - Got My Country On

Chris Cagle - Got My Country On

The People's Take:

Finally! (5 Stars)

by MrsDaniLz

It's nice to have him back and making music again. Really hope radio picks it up and supports him because he is a true artist.

Confused (1 Star)

by ASClark84

i got this song confused with every other song that is currently on country radio…

(Editor's note: Review WIN!)

My Take:

If Chris Cagle has listened to the radio in his time away from the charts, surely he's noticed by now. If he's read Chet Flippo's CMT.com articles, Saving Country Music's rants, Country California's fake news or quotes, Farce the Music's anything (unlikely), or even a few random newspaper articles (even less likely), he must have recognized the trend.

I know you're familiar with the trend. Not only is it cliché; even mentioning it is cliché. I'm speaking of the "how country I am" songs in constant spin mode on your local country station since 2003. Complaining about them is almost as common as the songs themselves.

Based on his new single, Chris Cagle is either incredibly (almost willfully) ignorant, terribly stupid or does not give one single shit about the over-saturation of the subject matter. I'm going with a mixture of stupidity and not giving a shit – you couldn't not notice (could you?).

I guess Cagle and his management/record company figure that this type of song has basically become its own sub-genre in which at least 50% of the singles of that ilk find their way into the top half of the charts. It's like shooting fish in a barrel almost, so maybe it's not stupidity, on second thought.

Whether or not it's a good business decision to follow the canyon-sized ruts in this road is not my concern. My problem is with the bull-headed resistance to originality in today's country music scene. I'm not asking for a new political bent or even a change of scenery… but surely there are stories lived on these standard-issue backroads that could provide a much more interesting and personal connection between artist and fan. Country radio has truly become McDonald's. You always know what you're going to get, no matter if you drop in tomorrow or next November. While it's expected and guiltily appreciated from a fast food restaurant, standardization is tiresome and lazy when it comes to what is supposed to be an art-form.

There's little need to critique the actual sound of this song. It's what you're accustomed to from an upbeat country song these days. Loud guitars with a rock riff, ample drums, charging vocals. Jason Aldean is the standard-bearer for the modern country male, and Cagle does little to differentiate himself from that style.

Don't even get me started about this whole "get/got my _____ on" phrase. Unless I get a letter in the mail that says "You just got your million dollars on," I don't want to read or hear it.

This song reeks of desperation. Cagle's long absence from country radio's heavy rotation has led him to be a mere follower to artists who came after him in hopes of a return to commercial success. That resumed success is certainly possible, but suck-cess is guaranteed.

Total Value: .10/.99

The Checklist:

Hard Work

Church/God

Mama

Boots

Name Dropping

Dying Person

County Fair

Lost Love

Dog

Love/Sex

Hometown/Country Pride

Kindly Advice

Truck

Whiskey

Beer

Life Affirmation

USA

Soldiers

Pop Sheen

Star Power

.99 Reviews - Kristin Chenoweth "I Want Somebody (Bitch About)"

Kristen Chenoweth - I Want Somebody (Bitch About)

The People's Take

ugh (1 star)

by shell1120

really, love her, but this is crap

Crap (1 star)

by LeonardWilson

Rebecca Black sings better than her

UNBELIEVABLY FANTASTIC! (5 stars)

by AriannaTheofan

OMG!!!!! Absolutely IN LOVE with this song! Possibly me new favorite song! Kristin, is there any song you can't hit out of the ballpark?

Keep singing (5 stars)

by See me what

Don you there talk mad about her.

My Take

Where to begin, where to begin?

The beginning of the song maybe?

Kristen: "Hey, ha ha, yeah you, yeah y'all better listen up now, uh huh, huh! Okay!"

(Imaginary Producer: "Damn girl, are you sure you haven't been singing country all your life... good stuff! Take 5 and we'll get to the first verse!")

The first verse starts as such:

"I want someone I can talk to/All night anytime I want to/Who'll be there when I want/and won't be there when I don't want him to be." Folks, that's deep. I think writers like Jim Lauderdale and Darrell Scott should just hang it up now. The bar has been set way too high for them to get any more cuts in Nashville. Pack it up boys.

Enough with the facetiousness. I can hardly contain the bile rising in my throat after listening to this song three times in a row. I've already used up all the negative adjectives in the thesaurus on previous bad songs so I'll have to be a little more creative with my review of this steaming load.

I like Kristin Chenoweth. Let's get that out of the way. She's talented, funny, adorable and her duet with Randy Travis on his Anniversary Celebration album is excellent.

This song is the opposite of excellent. I challenge you. Hit that link in the title. Do it. See how far you can make it.

From the first word out of her mouth, you know the next three minutes won't better your life experience. By midway through the first verse (if you're still around), you're convinced you can write a better song with the local Montgomery Gentry cover band. By the chorus, you're feeling a growing sense that your organs are banding together to overthrow your mind for letting things go this far. By the end of the chorus, you're ready to jump into a Slayer mosh pit and leave the whole adrenaline and whiskey charged bunch lying in a pool of their own blood and broken limbs. If you make it to the end, you hate your ears. Or you're a blogger.

I listened to it a bunch so you don't have to.

It's lyrically insipid, vocally heinous (her voice just doesn't fit the style of the song) and generically produced. And the last half of the chorus... I don't even have the words.

Kristin has a master's degree in opera performance, she has appeared on Broadway numerous times and has many awards, including a Tony, to her name. All this, yet Nashville still saw fit to process her voice through some demonic vocal filter and throw in some weird mechanical sounding backing vocals. The finished product comes out sounding something like two feral cats mating on a rusty air-conditioning unit. Or maybe drunken harpies singing to the rhythm of a broken fan belt. I use a lot of hyperbole and the negative decriptions flow like water around here sometimes, but the chorus of this song is damn near torturous. Seriously.

I don't remember if it was Bucky Covington or maybe LoCash Cowboys or Soulja Boy, but this may be worse than any of those. It's certainly among the bottom 1 percentile of songs I've heard in my 36 years on this planet. And I've listened to a lot of songs.

It may have some kitsch value or possibly fall into that "so bad it's good" category, but what it comes down to is that this song is spectacularly terrible. An utter failure. We shall not speak of it again.

Total Value: .01/.99

.99 Reviews - Jake Owen: Barefoot Blue Jean Night

Jake Owen - Barefoot Blue Jean Night (Click to listen)

The People's Take

I don't know what the people's take is... my iTunes isn't working properly, but I can imagine 90% of the comments are as such "This is so great for summer riding with my boyfriend in his truck and going to softball games!!!" and the other 10% are either "First!" or "I hate country so this sucks."

My Take

I already know what's coming. It's late April so like taxes are due and Obama's ratings are down, it's time for Summer songs. I'm right. I can also guarantee "till morning light" or "till the break of dawn" will be sang in this song…. yep, there it is. Jake is doing it right and coming alive with the new girl in town out in the middle of ruralia.

How old is he? 30 or something? Is he really still hanging around at parties in the countryside? Jake, you do know it's legal for you to drink wherever you want to that's not a car? Grown folks have parties at their house… in the back yard. There are too many snakes at the riverside. Authenticity is not a requirement of radio country, so I should look past all these little things, but I just can't.

There is one nice line in this song: "we were shining like lighters in the dark in the middle of a rock show" and honestly, I like the beat. The "whooaaoh ohhs" are making me angry though. Ah hell, I'm feeling generous. This isn't horrible such as it is. There are banjos. Jake sounds interested, but the imagery is as far from unique as Jake's teeth aren't from whitener. "Never gonna grow up/never gonna slow down." You might wanna rethink that pardner… the mid-thirties will drain you of energy, I can promise you that. The hangovers aren't so bad anymore, but you'll have a lot more self-awareness of how stupid it is that you're three Jagerbombs into a Friday night and your jeans are biting into your side. Maybe that's just me.

Basically, this is middle of the road pop-country with a few nods to actual country, but it's catchy. A word of warning to those predisposed to living out songs: being barefoot on the riverbank at night is a good way to end up with poison ivy rashes, ticks and West Nile Virus. Have fun.

Total Value: .55/.99

The Checklist:

Church/God

Mama

Boots

Name Dropping

Dying Person

Jeans

County Fair

Lost Love

Dog

Love

Hometown/Country Pride

Kindly Advice

Truck

Whiskey

Beer

Life Affirmation

USA

Soldiers

Pop Sheen

Star Power

.99 Review: Colt Ford - Country Thang

Colt Ford - Country Thang

The Peoples' Take:

Haters gonna hate (5 Stars)

by Forrest Latta

Another killer track… Colt's here to stay.

why??????????? (1 Star)

by zooladd

all you idiots that like this bigger idiot singing make real country people sick.. go back to your damn suburbs and cities and leave us real country people alone.. and colt needs to have a heart attack so we can be done with this bulls**t he calls music!

yea, i like colt (5 Stars)

by Garth-101

more country than Kieth Urban…

My Take:

Colt Ford is to rapping as Dane Cook is to comedy. Actually, that's not fair to Dane. At least Mr. Cook has told a joke or two that made the corners of my mouth turn upwards in mild amusement. Colt Ford has never uttered a single line or verse that made me think he had a shred of talent that might manifest itself as a worthy hip-hop or hick hop song. Despite the glee I get out of slagging bands and singers on this blog, I'm not a hateful person and I don't begrudge anyone doing what they think they were put on the planet to do; I'm just here to speak truth. Truth is, Colt Ford has likely NOT found his life's calling just yet. I get it - everybody has to grind the gears a little before they get it rolling.

This song is the sound of Colt missing third gear. Chgggg chgggg chggggaaahhhhhh!

"Country Thang" is YET ANOTHER listing song about, well, country thangs. And among thangs that Ford would like you to know are fixtures for the rural set are misspelelingllings (see song title) and uncorrect grammar, because "that's how we does it" down here! We also does it barefoot and crazy while the tin roof sings. We live in the pines in a shotgun shack with a high-priced huntin' dog baying around back. I bet you'll never guess what our women-folk wear. Yep, cutoff jeans. Apparently, in some necks of the south, women's clothing stores sell ONLY cutoffs, tight jeans, bikinis and short skirts. I wish.

You get the gist of the song already. You don't even have to hear it yourself, unless you really want to subject yourself to the undynamic flow of Jason Farris Brown (Ford's real name). There's nothing unique about "Country Thang," and even less interesting.

Somebody out there enjoys this music enough to keep Colt Ford playing clubs and low rent festivals year-round, so I guess there's that. He has a cult following and he's an underdog, I suppose… but one I can't get behind.

This song likely won't get Ford above that #50 on the charts ceiling he keeps headbutting, and doubtfully will get him out of that shotgun shack on an unpaved road (he told the courthouse "hell no" when the county tried to blacktop it) anytime soon.

Hey Colt, you sure you weren't better at golf?

Total Value: .09/.99

The Checklist:

✓Church/God

Mama

Boots

Name Dropping

Dying Person

County Fair

Lost Love

✓Dog

✓Love

✓Hometown/Country Pride

Kindly Advice

✓Truck

Whiskey

Beer

✓Life Affirmation

USA

Soldiers

Pop Sheen

Star Power

.99 Reviews: Trace Adkins "Brown Chicken Brown Cow"

.99 Review

Trace Adkins - Brown Chicken Brown Cow

(Click the title to listen)

The Peoples' Take

Cowboy (5 Stars)

by Brenda Smith

I love Brown Chicken Brown Cow song - it is the absolute funny and to watch Trace perform this in concert makes it that much better.

One of his best! (5 Stars)

by Paula Peppers

I can't get "brown chicken brown cow" out of my head! LOL

My Take

To be honest with you, I felt dirty listening to this. With a listening history of NWA, 2Pac, 2 Live Crew, George Carlin, Jon Lajoie, Clarence Carter and the Bellamy Brothers ;), that's saying a lot. It's a country rocker built around the old joke that the music in pornographic movies sounds like "bow chicka wow wow," and that's almost all you need to know about the tune. But that won't stop me from running it down.

Trace Adkins has what may be the best voice in contemporary country. It's a booming baritone that has depth and a gentleness when needed. He's also an interesting dude with a big personality and genuine country cred. He's released some really great songs over the years… "Arlington" "Every Light in the House" "Til the Last Shot's Fired" to name a few.

That said, he's also released some of the biggest steaming piles of crap heard on country radio in… ever. I won't hate on "Badonkadonk"… it's been done enough already, and there's at least a little kitsch value to that song. No, I'm talking about "Rough and Ready" "Swing" "I Left Something Turned on at Home" "Hot Mama" "Ladies Love Country Boys" the list goes on.

"Brown Chicken Brown Cow" falls into the latter category. It's a one trick pony with no saddle.

The story is pointless, just a contrived tale to lead up to the punch line. So what's wrong with a little roll in the hay? Nothing; nothing at all if there's a little feeling in the lovemaking or a good plot leading up to it… this is just an end-of-the-show SNL sketch set to music. Ha ha ha, it's a song about porn music, LOLZ! So clever.

What's worse - the titular bovine and foul apparently get off on voyeurism. "nobody watchin' but the brown chicken brown cow." Great. I bet there's already a website for that. The crow even called out to let 'em know that some barn loft sexin' was about to go down. All animals are equal, but some animals get to watch the peep show.

I hope the two rural lovers checked all their crevices for straw afterwards.

Come on Trace. You're better than this.

Total Value: .22/.99

The checklist:

Beer

Life Affirmation

Mama

Boots

Name Dropping

Dying Person

County Fair

Blue Jeans

Lost Love

Love

Hometown Pride

Kindly Advice

Dirt Road

Truck

Whiskey

USA

Soldiers

Pop Sheen

Star Power

.99 Reviews: Aaron Lewis - Country Boy

Aaron Lewis (with Chris Young, George Jones and Charlie Daniels) - Country Boy

(Note: linked version does not feature the guest stars)

The People's Take

Aaron is the MAN!! (5 Stars)

by Casie Browning

My wife and I have loved Aaron since Staind started back in 96'. His lyrics have always spoken to us and this song makes us love him even more. Get this now and request it on all the country stations out there.

Watch out country music, Aaron Lewis HAS ARRIVED!!! (5 Stars)

by redheadfaxy

Absolutely LOVE that voice!

My Take

Another day, another rocker going country. I'm not going to delve into the authenticity of this song; I have no idea if Lewis, lead singer of nu-metal outfit Staind, is actually from the country and I don't care. I'm going to take this thing at face value. First of all, he doesn't stray from the down-in-the-mouth, angst-filled delivery he used in modern rock hits like "So Far Away" and "It's Been Awhile." That alone makes this song nearly unlistenable as Mr. Staind never varies from his Alice in Chains-lite vocals. To play devil's advocate though, at least he didn't suddenly develop a Clearchannel-ready twang. Still, it's disconcerting in the context of this song.

Next of all, if there's a "proving my country cred" song with more rural touchstones than this, I'll eat my iPhone (not really; Justin Moore might ruin my lunch with his next release). Hank, guns, jeans, t-shirts, trucks, whiskey, dirt roads, soldiers, patriotism, stubborn independence…. what else do you need right?

George Jones warbles a little and Charlie Daniels even stops in to tell us about family and country and say "sonsabitches" at the end. I guess Chris Young was in there too, but I couldn't pick him out in the first 3 listens… and I don't want to listen again.

Overcompensating much?

Again, I don't know if Aaron Lewis really grew up on a rural route or in a trailer park on 49 South, but even if Jamey Johnson sang this song I'd have to take him to task for going way too heavy on the back woods imagery.

A co-worker said it sounds like one of those songs on a rock album where the band tries its hand at country… and many have done so much better. Stone Temple Pilots, Alice in Chains and especially The Rolling Stones, to name a few.

And then... the song itself. It's as dull as any Staind album cut. That band, while milquetoast as all get out, still managed to create some "catchy" and successful singles based on the Nirvana quiet-loud formula. In "Country Boy," there is no differentiation between verse and chorus melody-wise. It's the aural equivalent of a wet dishrag.

While other rockers gone country have been received at country radio with open arms, I'd be shocked if this one got much of a run. It's just too tuneless and drab, and the superstar appearances have no positive effect whatsoever.

A minor kudos: there's a bit more honesty and grit to this than your average country cred tune, but that doesn't move the arrow much in the positive direction.

This is a dud.

Total Value: .25/.99

The Checklist: (I've added a couple of categories: blue jeans and dirt road)

Beer

Life Affirmation

Mama

Boots

Name Dropping

Dying Person

County Fair

Blue Jeans

Lost Love

Love

Hometown Pride

Kindly Advice

Dirt Road

Truck

Whiskey

USA

Soldiers

Pop Sheen

Star Power