Showing posts with label New Year's. Show all posts
Showing posts with label New Year's. Show all posts

Dec 29, 2023

Predicting Mainstream Country in 2024

By Bobby Peacock

* Caught up in his trend to collaborate with everyone, Riley Green includes 19 artists on his next single... then forgets to include himself

* Entire Billboard Hot Country Songs chart occupied by Zach Bryan songs for five weeks straight; new rule enacted the next week to counter this results in chart occupied entirely by Morgan Wallen songs

* Oliver Anthony Music banned from Dollar General in Farmville, Virginia for vandalizing a display of Fudge Rounds

* Latest Cole Swindell single proven to be both written and produced by AI; results inconclusive on whether Cole himself is an AI

* Several casual Randy Travis fans experience shock upon hearing "Whisper My Name" for the first time

* Disturbance at Woodlawn Memorial Park in Nashville discovered to be Dobie Gray rolling in his grave after the release of Dustin Lynch's "Chevrolet"

* "You Can't Hide Beautiful" by Aaron Lines officially recognized as the first "boyfriend country" song

* Oliver Anthony Music denies allegations that he is related to Lorenzo Music, the former voice actor for Garfield

* For the first time, Luke Combs gets a single all the way to #1 before it even has a Wikipedia article

* Jason Aldean releases new single "But Some of My Best Friends Are Black"... alongside a cover of Cledus T. Judd's "Illegals"

* Bobby continues to be the only Farce the Music regular who refuses to make jokes about Kane Brown or Maren Morris

* Due to an overflow error, Zach Bryan's next album listed on Spotify as having -27 songs on it

* After the success of "Watermelon Moonshine", Lainey Wilson releases "We Danced Regardless", all the while denying allegations that she is just going to keep copying Deana Carter

* Blake Shelton continues his slide into irrelevance by collaborating with Pitbull... oh wait, he already did that

* At last, the long-awaited return of the Smokin' Armadillos

Jan 13, 2023

Luke Bryan Just Recycles New Year’s Resolutions From 2011 Again

Country superstar Luke Bryan recently dropped his handwritten New Year’s Resolutions list on Instagram, and eagle eyed followers noticed something interesting. Bryan fan Lucy Ziffle took a screenshot of the post and took the picture into Photoshop.

“I noticed something funny y’all,” she said under her post. “The whited out part behind ’2023’ was just the previous years! LOL, but we don’t care, he can keep doing the same thing every year till he retires! Luvin’ Luke!”

In her image, she added focus and contrast to the area and somehow cleaned it up enough that viewers could clearly see every year from 2011-2022 covered over. (Don’t ask us how this works; it doesn’t seem possible… and don’t go looking for it, just believe us.)

While it might be odd to use the same physical copy year after year, Luke clearly found his niche with this checklist in 2011 and stuck to it. The commitment to doing the same thing over and over and over, while predictable and safe, has been successful. 

Here’s what he had on the list.

1. Shake my ass in front of moms, daughters, and embarrassed dads at concerts

2. Wear jeans a size too small

3. Sing ONLY about college girls, trucks, love, drinking domestic beers, working, America, and deer

4. Keep teeth pearly white

5. NEVER EVER EVER say anything of importance, depth, or controversy in interviews or on social media

6. Only put out songs that are somewhat traditional sounding if the lyrics are cringe

7. Keep Farce the Music blocked on Twitter so he can’t hurt my feelings again

8. Root for them Georgia Bulldogs!

Jan 5, 2022

Top 10 New Year's Resolutions for Koe Wetzel Fans

Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions for Koe Wetzel Fans


10. Get serious for their 9th year of community college

9. Complete the full collection of Pit Vipers

8. Get a tattoo to cover up that seemingly permanent groin rash

7. Get LED bars put on both jet skis

6. Continue boycotting those motherf***king b***hes at the p***y ass Great Texas Balloon Race

5. Not wear wife beater to the job interview next time

4. See the doctor about this dark yellow pee

3. Not get anybody pregnant at LTJ fest this year

2. Wrestlemania. Jerry World. Both nights.

1. Jack Daniels, Taco Bell, Hangover + raging shits, Repeat


~By Trailer with some input from someone who could dance that slow Uvalde shuffle

Dec 31, 2020

Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions for Dan + Shay Fans


 10. Speak to 5% more managers in 2021

9. Keep up with teen slang so you’ll be able to snoop on your daughter’s Snapchat effectively

8. Monthly salon visit to maintain that just above the shoulders layered look that silently asks “Are you supposed to be here?”

7. Keep the white zinfandel cellar fully stocked at all times

6. Berate Dan + Shay on Facebook for not going on tour because Covid is just the damn flu!

5. Sell 22% more essential oils and seaweed kelp powder on Facebook

4. Berate Kane Brown on Instagram for wearing a mask because “there taking our freedom away!”

3. Keep tan somewhere between “just returned from Cozumel” and “oh God, you better get that mole checked out!”

2. Maintain the perimeters and facilities of your gated subdivision against people who don’t seem to belong near you

1. Practice saying “How arrrre yeeewwww??” and “Oh HOOWWW Cute!” and “Bless YEWR Hawrt!” for when you finally get to see your friends after this Covid hoax goes away

I Was a Wanna Be Rocker, She Was More Into Merle

Dec 29, 2017

Top 10 New Year's Resolutions for Kane Brown Fans

Top 10 New Year's Resolutions for Kane Brown Fans
Top 10 New Year's Resolutions for Kane Brown Fans
Top 10 New Year's Resolutions for Kane Brown Fans
10. Pass 10th grade…third time's a charm

9. Sell the rest of the crack and get grandma's priceless heirloom China out of hock

8. Return the "Managing Your STD" book to the library now that the internet's back up

7. Lose 15 pounds so I can fit back in my good Juicy shorts

6. Get that sorry motherf***er at Farce the Music shut down for hating on Kane

5. Stop telling my kids their daddy is in Angola - the country - when he's actually in Angola - the prison

4. Fix the hole in the trailer floor from the failed meth cook

3. Through strongly worded but grammatically incoherent YouTube comments, convince Kane he should dump his fiancee and marry me

2. Get the "Only God Can Juge Me" tattoo covered up

1. Stop calling the DMV the HPV


Related Posts with Thumbnails