If you wanna write a country hit in the year of our Lord 2021, the lyrics do not matter at all. Write a boring, only slightly catchy pop song that has a “vibe.” Yes, vibe. That’s what the youth’s are into today, so that’s what we’ll give them. It’s kind of like a ‘groove’ but less interesting. They just want background music to not pay attention to while they’re drinking White Claws and vaping Delta-8 and climbing up milk crates or whatever the hell they do these days.
After you’ve got the skeleton of a song, buy a beat online to drop behind it. You heard the cowboy Stevie Wonder correctly, a beat. Don’t hire a drummer, just let somebody beep and boop the buttons and voila: make dat money. But don’t spend that money on Patagonia, Jason Isbell, Coke, Pepsi, Budweiser (fix my headshot, Trailer!), Walmart, Target, Kroger, Netflix, Starbucks, Oreos, Keurig, the NFL, the NBA, the MLB, Gillette, Nordstrom, Nike, Macy’s, Dick’s, Doritos, Yeti, Univision, UPS, Merck, Cisco, Citigroup, Delta Airlines, Viacom, JPMorgan, and probably a few more.
Okay, back to the topic at hand. The lyrics come last and they’re easy as pie. Just write a bunch of country words (you know the ones) on slips of paper and pull 5 of them out of a hat. Use ‘em all in a story that goes as follows, with no changes whatsoever: guys walks into a bar, sees girl, picks her up and takes her riding in his truck. No shit, that’s it. DO NOT VARY FROM THIS PATTERN OR YOU WILL BE RELEGATED TO AMERICANA.
But JR, you say, JR if it’s so easy why haven’t you done it? And to that I say I WILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH AN EMPTY BOTTLE OF JOHN RICH’S REDNECK RIVIERA AMERICAN BLENDED WHISKEY! You don’t know me and know what I’m doing for America out here! You damn liberals.
And before I give myself an aneurism, I’ll see myself out. Enjoy the free money I just gave you with this unparalleled advice bitches.
*not actually written by John Rich