I’m gonna be completely real with y’all. I haven’t been doing this column much in the past couple of years because I don’t know what the hell to tell you. Clearly, I don’t know how to write a hit country song in this era, so how am I supposed to give you advice? So, either listen to a bunch of Gavin DeGraw and write kind of sleazy but respectful songs entirely speaking to a generic “you” who is the woman you desire. Or… or, you can still go the bro-country route, only as long as you take the country part out. Bro pop? Shit man, it’s enough to make an established songwriter have to sell his stately manor with an elevator, runway lights, and 9 bars, and downsize to a measly million dollar starter home. And this Lil Nas X thing? That could change it all. Do I need to learn to rap now? Do I need to have Billy Ray Cyrus on all of Big & Rich’s songs? Can we say “boobies” in country songs now?? I’d have been dropping d-cups in every damn song if I’d known. And why do we have to let the singer have a credit on every song now? Just because Morgan Chase Russell added one trendy phrase to the lyrics doesn’t mean his handsome ass deserves a sixth. F**k that guy. Things are changing fast on Music Row and your space cowboy isn’t sure how to handle it. I’m thinking about just becoming a permanent Fox News correspondent. Politics is easy compared to Nashville now, bitches. Be careful out there!
*Not really by John Rich